I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

[Rubberleg]

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

Please, please, please have a good look around your house - in every last nook and cranny - for the last vestiges of your self-respect. When you've found them, however tattered they are, dust them down, put them on, and WALK AWAY.

The first question to ask yourself, once you've done this is: why am I satisfied with a relationship where the guy can never really entirely belong to me? Why don't I believe that I actually deserve someone who is free, single and able to be there for me when I need it? You may need to see a counsellor to help you figure out the answer to those questions. And then you can think about using your valuable time and energy on a guy who is free to love you as you deserve.

It never fails to shock me how fucking immature grown women can be when in the throws of their daydream of being a star-crossed lover, doomed to eternal angst after the evil wife thwarts true love.

The excessive use of '.....', and sentences left hanging and half said, the dreamy yet tearstained angst that punctuates every post.

I often imagine the OPs of such dramatic bollocks to be prettily sobbing, whilst gazing out of a rain splashed window - the pain as physical as it is mental............

Fuck. Off.

The reality is not in the least romantic - it is messy and shitty.
He is married.
He has a 7 yr old child, and a wife - neither of who had a say in this situation.
He chose not to be with you after his wife found out.
You even refer to yourself as acting 'desperately' to keep a hold of him.

What you had isn't 'love', it was a fantasy.

Cut ties with him and his life, and work on your own self esteem - value yourself and others will value you. Do not accept the crumbs, crumbs are shit.
Move on and be happy.

I find it so impossibly difficult to believe the OP was "duped".

Sorry notsorry to be harsh, but you have to be a special kind of stupid before you believe someone has separated from his wife if he A) spends every weekend with her B) hasn't even moved out yet & C) has done nothing but lie.

Oh, and it is pretty common if you are suffering from low self-esteem to convince yourself that you are unlovable because you are unable to make this one person love you and therefore you should keep trying to change his mind. It's the reason so many women stay with 'men' (and I use the term loosely here) like this. He said what he said to get you into bed. It is a well-used tactic by people with absolutely zero concern for anyone else except their own fragile ego. He got the ego boost he was looking for, so he is done with you, although I have to laugh at his saying you have to wait - REALLY?! How kind of him. He wants you to hang in there, his ego is enjoying feeling wanted which means his regard for you is zero. Run a mile. (sorry to be harsh)

Take a lesson from history here, OP. Anne Boleyn only had sex with Henry VIII after he started divorce proceedings against wife number 1 and organised marriage to her. That's how much he wanted her. If a man wants sex with you and you know they are married please leave well alone. If they want you that bad they will leave their 'sad' marriage and come and find you in the flower garden where you can hold hands and walk through the blooms as the sun glints through your hair, both smiling radiantly at each other - the perfect ending. If they can't do that (leave the wife before sex with you) then they don't really want you, they just want your lady bits.

Not RTFT as on my way out but this jumped out at me "He wants to put our relationship on hold for a while"

In others words, he is keeping his head down with his wife until she thinks he has truly finished it, then he will quietly take up with you again, covering his tracks better so next time his wife doesnt find out.

The fact is, she found and that would would have been the perfect time for him to leave and hasnt. You know what that means dont you?

Anne Boleyn only had sex with Henry VIII after he started divorce proceedings against wife number 1 and organised marriage to her. That's how much he wanted her.

And yet even that wasn't exactly happy ever after :o

You've omitted the bit about Henry arranging for Anne Boleyn's head to come off after he'd had it off with her, AuntyMary.

Only 2 out of the 6 women that Henry VII made Queen of England can be said to have benefitted from his lust largesse; Anne of Cleves who became a relieved happy divorcee and Katharine Parr who narrowly missed being taken to the block by outliving him.

There must be a moral somewhere in Henry's tale of high ranking immorality - 'keeping your head on your shoulders is worth more than the false lavish promises of an amoral man'?

Anne Boylen and Henry are not a model of how to do things the right the way. She married a cheat and, literally, lost her head. At least the OP is only losing her metaphorical head over this douche bag.

My exH had an affair - I found out, we tried to patch things up but I eventually came to the conclusion that I didn't want a lying, cheating, selfish arse, so I told him to go.

Of course, off he went, back to the OW - they are still together, but every few months, I get a "poor me" email off the exH. He's still not happy. Because, quite often, men like him & possibly your married man, are chasing something that doesn't exist.

My exH got what he wanted & he's no happier. In fact, his life is a lot more complicated.

As for what it did to me - well, I will never be the same person I was. When someone that you love does this to you, it's like being dropped from a great height & getting smashed into several pieces. You try to put yourself back together, but some pieces remain missing - you can't find them. And you are left with lots of cracks. It takes YEARS to rebuild, but you are still never the same. It is an unbelievably shitty thing to do to a person - utterly devastating. Add children into the mix & they suffer too. As much as my exH & I have tried to minimise the impact on them, what my two beautiful children got, was a mother who was broken, distracted & not the mother she used to be. My youngest had this from 6 months old & I worry that she has really missed out.

The repercussions of what you have been involved in will affect several lives, and will be around for quite some time.

I explained I was the OW Oh boy! what a wonderful admirable lovely lady he is missing out! You were even willing to become the OW because you loved him and yet he dares put you on hold. How truly painful your situation is compared to the spouse whom he married made a mother of a son and yet does not return to him the love he deserves - he wanted to go away from her didn't he? he feels depressed because of her doesn't he?! You have given up on so many things for the love of him. You became the OW for his love- you are wiling to push around things to make time for you to meet, and this despite the fact that he is not willing to talk about your future- he probably focusses on the future of his son; but his son is just seven and what did he do his son for him? Does he make him feel special? Did he jump to the other side of the fence this place of the untouchables that are the poor damsels who fall in love with a married man and chase him until they become the cursed OW. How can he be blind to the shame you are willing to feel just to be with him, and all the desperate efforts (calls- mails- time for him even if it became difficult for you..) you are making and decide to put you on hold now that his wife discovered things.
I really do pity you- and his wife is just a bitch: she does not know what wonderful bird she has in her cage!
I really admire you! To what extent you are willing to go for the love of a man even though he is already married and you spend holidays and week ends lonely and consummate with love and jealousy when he is with his legal bitch and his annoying 7 years old!
Of dear! I admire your generosity and magnanimity! You are willing to give him so much and you already did give him a lot by becoming the shameful OW and by spending holidays and week ends on our own when he is with his depressing legal family! Love absolves everything! Lower you are willing to go in a love relationship deeper you prove your feelings are! Bravo Madame!

Maybe the "time he's had" with his wife and child mean more to him.

You sound dramatic and lacking in all sorts.

No more contact, delete numbers, etc. it will hurt but hurt less when you tell yourself you didn't love him as who you thought he was is not who he is so there's nothing to love or get over.

My ex husband needed time to decide as well when I found out. I made the decision for him and told him to go off in pursuit of true love. He went running off to ow but has no loyalty to her. Asks to come back every time I see him. Only with her as has no other choice. Agree completely with previous post. You never completely get over the level of deceit from someone you trusted so completely. Don't understand any woman prepared to start a relationship based on deceiving someone else. My husband's ow feels very pleased she won him over a wife and 4 children. She's unaware the grass is greener "prize" now looks wistfully back on the life he left and sends constant pitiful texts

No, I wasn't duped completely. Because he did say he didn't know what he wanted and said he didn't want a relationship at first. But he did tell me in the first half that he and his wife had been discussing divorce. He said he wanted me to be in his life. But true, when pushed to make a decision, he often found it difficult to be truthful

Urgh FFS,

some people will say anything to get their leg over, do you really not realise that?

But he's shown some glimmer of conscience about his wife and family, for heaven's sake do the decent thing and allow him to do the right thing. If he knows he's got you available at the drop of a hat he'll be tempted to forget them momentarily for the sake of a shag.

How sordid.

Cut all contact immediately, it's the only right thing to do.

Thank god I happen to have a daughter with her head screwed on and with oodles of brain cells as it seems there's a certain amount of women who believe all them rap that men spout to get into their pants.

Surely that is meant to be just teenagers who fall for such bollocks?!

You deserve what you get.
Him - meh.
His wife. Poor woman.

I hope you don't sleep easy in your bed. You're disgusting OP.

Get some self respect, sure - but get some moral decency whilst you're at it.

He had his cake and was eating it too. He's a lying little shit and you deserve better. Everything he said to you was a lie. It's what all married men say to their bit on the side. He never had any intention of leaving his wife, he just liked having a bit of extra spice in his life. He didn't give a shit about you and he doesn't now.

I once worked with a woman, oh 35 or 40 years ago now, way back in the 70s. She'd been the OW for over 25 years. She had wanted a family - husband and children. Her particular little shit kept coming up with excuse after excuse. His children were doing exams, changing schools whatever, his wife was ill and he couldn't cause her such stress now - he'd tell her when she was better. You know what? When that woman had been through the menopause and had no hope of children of her own, at the point of retirement, she was still clinging to the bastard and he was still promising to leave his wife when....... insert whatever crap excuse you can think of. The wife died. OW waited respectfully for her man to fonally become her man, now they could be together. Oh yes, what bliss.

He ran off with a 25 year old.

Walk away and one day you'll thank your stars you did.

I agree it's not smart to go out with a mm, I find the force of condemnation directed at the women who get involved with these chancers (due to their own loneliness or low self-esteem) extremely nasty and also, unintelligent and biased. It's as though the duped woman is a saint and the woman who became with the cheater is evil (statements such as "you're the worst kind of human being) are thrown around, and you'd think the cheater was some sort of prize. So, two women are involved with the same man? That instantly makes the man worthless. It doesn't make one woman a poor cuckholded saint to be pitied any more than it makes the duped woman 'evil'. Jesus, the shite you read on mn sometimes.

And I do sympathise with women who discover to their shock that hteir H is a cheating fucker, I do but the judgement and the venom towards a woman who did no more than believe what she was told or succumb to loneliness .... it's UNHINGED

For fuck sake: it will hurt OP! It has already devastated the spouse and God knows how this will impact on a little 7 years old boy!
OP is enjoying some love story on the account of an innocent Mum and her son!
All of us have become so nice and tolerant to the unthinkable and this is why many women are not afraid to become OW - OP you can cry and cry and tell him that you are ashamed of becoming the OW and this shows how much you love him- but the truth it comes across as if you enjoy dipping in the mud for his sake, especially that most of us do feel some solidarity with women even when they zeroed themselves by becoming the OW; they use this as a kind of weapon bunny-boilers . If only we were to feel a tiny weeny bit of the anger we express against male-cheaters directed at OW then maybe the opportunity to cheat would not be that wide-spread and the home- wrecking by OW would be more limited for fuck sake I do not mean that we do not have to be angry at male-cheaters- just some fairness.

OP is probably a desperate zero with all her waiting for him (just read how she kept an eye on him a long time before they had sex! just read how she is up herself with her love for him that made her desperate and become the OW! OP you were a zero to start with and when he will come back to you because he was not able to rebuild his marriage, then the high to get him from another woman will go down and you will be a zero just like before. Unless you think that you are not able to get any other man but a married one who wants sex on the side! You are sick not of love but in the head and you need some deep therapy and maybe some extreme makeover. I do not wish you good luck- I wish it to his spouse and to his son-

justusemyname
This is a serious question, but do you tell your daughters "don't believe the shite men come out with, they just want to get in to your pants and they'll lie and they'll read you and tailor their lies like heat seeking missiles to target your loneliness or your insecurities". Is that what you say to a 13 year old or a 14 year old? I have daughters and I know not to believe a word a man sayys to me unless i have proof it was sincere, but how to communicate that to daughters?!!?

That's disgusting!

MaMaof04, what a deeply unpleasant and misogynist remark.

My comment was to Ma.

S0mmer. No I haven't said that to my child, who isn't 13 yet .