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Original poster

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 26/05/2015 13:12

The only way you'll be unlucky enough to snare this prize catch is if his wife comes to her senses and chucks him out. Even then you'd not be his first choice. Unless you are totally deluded by this man you will always be worried he was waiting for someone better/younger/more exciting.

Men worth having do not have seedy little affairs and do not treat the mother of their children like this.

Take your rose tinted glasses off, get you dignity back and move on. No more contact.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2015 13:13

Grow up. I was a late bloomer, but I read stuff on here from people who surpass even Peter Stingfellow for immaturity.

akaWisey · 26/05/2015 13:14

From one who knows -

If he loves you OP there is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, that could stop him from being with you.

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 26/05/2015 13:16

Rubberleg, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are being honest here. They ALWAYS say they are unhappy in their marriages. ALWAYS. Otherwise, they know they'd never get anywhere with their OW. The vast majority of the time they are in perfectly normal, perfectly functional marriages. That story doesn't get them a mistress, though. Please read up on the causes of adultery. It's not lack of sex, it's not unhappiness; it's entitlement pure and simple. And the one thing you know about a man who takes a mistress is that he is a liar, by definition. Please never do this again.

Mygardenistoobig · 26/05/2015 13:18

I agree with catofthewoods.

Op if this man was in so much misery, why has he not left?

He is a liar .

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 13:18

I was never ever trying to convinve him

So why does you OP say I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me,

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 13:21

I am 100% certain he wasn't miserable. But acting miserable was the way he made it into your bed.

Don't get involved with a man you only 'half trust'

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 26/05/2015 13:22

OP, walk away.
If you truly believe that you love him and you do want him long-term, then tell him you're not waiting for him to 'choose', you're only interested in him as a single man. So he must get a divorce and not come back to you until he's been divorced (ie, Decree Absolute) for 6 months at least. (He won't do any of this).

Don't cause yourself any further indignity by staying in contact with him.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 26/05/2015 13:23

"But acting miserable was the way he made it into your bed."

This. It's all part of the script that is so successful.

Original poster
Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 13:24

..I just assumed he might want to be with me as he constantly assured me how great it was being with me...I made the assumption that his words mean't something

OP posts:
fearandloathinginambridge · 26/05/2015 13:25

I don't think he wanted to use me for sex...

I am pretty sure he did.

A decent guy would have sought to resolve his marriage problems before having an affair with another woman.

I don't believe he was leaving his wife, they always say that. In reality he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He has now been caught out and the lies he fed you about wanting to be with you have been exposed.

If I was you OP, I wouldn't waste another minute pining after this arsehole. I would be getting angry at the way he has used you and, indeed, used his wife. That is not the mark of a good man.

Move on, find yourself a single guy and forget this twat.

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 13:26

cant you see he wasn't depressed? He is obviously just a miserable bastard to start with.

He lied anyway and told you he was organising a divorce.

If what he said was true he would have left the family home and came to you once his affair was exposed.

He didn't because it's not you he wants. He is using his son as a cover story because believe me if he truly wanted and loved you he would leave his wife and his son to be with you.

He's a liar! Wake up to that fact.

He told you what he had to do so that he could feed his lust.

It was lust wasn't it? Well for one of you it was.........hard truth to face

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 13:27

No his words mean nothing. His actions do though.....

What are his actions telling you?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 13:28

I made the assumption that his words mean't something

But why? You already knew he was a liar.

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 13:30

OP You aren't being honest. You know his wife knows, you know this is why he has called it off. And yet you continued to beg him and convince him of your side of it. You know he lied and that his marriage is never anywhere near over. You may have thought it was at the beginning. But you know that's not true and yet you continued to chase him.

So you know the facts and still want to win him over.

You also mentioned you couldn't see him at weekends because this is his family time. Did you really think a man separating from his wife would spend all weekend, every weekend with her having family time? You knew (even if only deep down) that he was not separating from her.

S0mmer · 26/05/2015 13:32

I would agree with twinklestein. You've dodged a bullet. The time to think?!?!? I think that means you will fade away until feelings die down a bit.

I know I used to believe what men, and in fact people told me. I took it at face value, why wouldn't I? It takes a few hard knocks before you learn the hard way to judge people by their actions not their words, so I disagree with the poster that says 'your [sic] the worst kind of human being there is'. worse than rapists? paedophiles? con artists? murderers

magoria · 26/05/2015 13:34

He probably meant the words when he said them. Just like when he promised to love, honor etc his wife.

Once they got him what he wanted job done.

You sound pathetically desperate to hold on to a cheating liar who has told you that you are not his choice.

Work on your self esteem, self respect and leave men like this alone.

Sammasati · 26/05/2015 13:34

It's been a painful process from start to finish and I;ve shed more tears than I care to remember

Love isn't ment to be difficult.

If I were you op I would go and get some councelling for your self-esteem issues and to look at why you felt the need to enter in to a triangular relationship situation.

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/05/2015 13:35

I agree with romanoff about hurt pride .

You were only ever going to be a shameful secret. He didn't even deem you worthy of telling you this in person. I've experienced infidelity and men don't usually refer to the ow in a positive light once it comes out. Ie It was only sex, it only happened once , , she perused me , I felt sorry for her , she's not important , she could have been anyone , the sex was shit it was an ego boost ,ect ect. They both will get std checks to make sure they haven't caught anything from you. Mm will BEG his wife not to tell their friends and family about you.

Your best bet is to walk away and get some counselling to work out why you chose to get involved in this.

Mygardenistoobig · 26/05/2015 13:38

As stated above the reason men like this lie is because it makes it easier for them to get a free shag.

If he had said, I absolutely adore my wife, she is the most beautiful, sexy woman I have ever met. I am so lucky that she wants me. She is so funny, intelligent, smart, caring and the perfect mother for our child. There is no way in hell that I would ever leave her or give up my wonderful homelife for any other living being. Oh by the way she is out volunteering at the local hospice tonight, due you fancy wanking me off?

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?

Becauseicannes · 26/05/2015 13:39

Oh yuck, and this guy has 2 women wanting him? REALLY? Sorry, I realise I am not being constructive here but why would you want to be with anyone who treats people like this. Just be glad you're not his wife.

AuntieStella · 26/05/2015 13:41

His words did mean something.

They meant he liked the thrill of a dangerous sport (like some people enjoy sky-diving, motor-racing, bungy-jumping). He became miserable because of you. He was no longer an adequate husband, he knew he was risking the well-being of his DW and DS; but could blot that out temporarily, whilst compounding the problem, by being with you.

He's going NC with you because he's trying to save his marriage. Because that's what he really wants. He probably wants to turn the clock back so he never met you.

The vague message to you means he knows he's on a knife edge as far as the important things in his life are concerned. If he cannot persuade his DW to reconcile, then he wants you waiting in the wings. Not because he wants you greatly, but because you're a bit preferable to being on his own.

There really isn't a happy ending in this for you.

You've made a huge and horrible mistake, and in doing so have hurt innocent parties dreadfully. You cannot atone for this. But you can learn from it.

The advice to go NC, and fill your life with friends and activities is good. It's a 'fake it until you make it' time for you, as telling people in RL that you've been an OW will produce reactions you may not be up to.

Jan45 · 26/05/2015 13:41

What future, you aint got one with him and never did, you were always the titillation on the side.

You are making it worse by making excuses for your behaviour, you got involved with someone who is married, not cool, pretty desperate really so you've managed to fuck that marriage up, well done, it's women like you that these men seek out, desperate and no morals. I hope his wife gets wise and kicks him out and then the two of you can have your future - bet it's not as rosy as when you are sneaking about though huh.

This is a blessing in disguise, now is your chance to go out and find a man that is actually available.

S0mmer · 26/05/2015 13:45

Absolutely, be glad you're not his wife. She's the one who is stuck with him. It's not you that's hurt her, so the "you can never atone for this" comments are a bit eye-popping! You were duped by a line from a player who knows what to say to whom to get what he wants. Almost everybody has fallen for bullshit once or twice. Unless they're so lucky they had a super robust self-esteem from day one and never, ever had to learn a single solitary lesson the hard way! I learnt every lesson the hard way!

Mygardenistoobig · 26/05/2015 13:46

I actually hope his wife kicks him out and finds happiness without him.