My husband has just hit me

[toomuchnutella]

I separated from my husband in December last year, we decided tot ry and live apart and to try and work through things while having some space, he has the 5 children all day on a sunday and sunday night, monday night, wednesday night and friday night, i have them the rest of the time (sahm).

Tonight i went over there as i am still feeding the youngest who is 18m, and to read the older kids a story.We also had a disagreement this morning and i was feeling bad about it so went over there to make up as i hate leaving things like that.

He drinks a lot in general (Lager/ales, at least 4 every night at home) but i could tell he had been drinking more than usual as he seemed snappy and argumentative (with me, not with the kids, they had music on really loud and were all running around pretending to be dinosaurs) the kids hadnt seen me all day so when i got in all of them came running over saying mummy can we come back to yours. i said no its daddys turn.

We spoke about this morning but he basically threw my apology back in my face and said he didnt care and didnt want to talk about it.I was really upset as we have been getting on well since he moved out despite some ups and downs, i do love him but everytime he does something i end up being the one to say sorry and he makes me feel like the bad guy.

As i left the kids asked again if they could come with me, i said no, but then once id closed the door i changed my mind as i was upset about what had happened and tbh i was worried about the drinking, so i went back in and said who wants to come to mummys, they all ran out and jumped in the car except the oldest,who my husband told not to go with me.

He started shouting at me saying your not taking my kids away, i said im not they want to come to mine, your drunk anyway, he started saying he fucking hated me and went back inside to ds1,7. I was worried about ds1 as husband was now very irate and ds1 was really upset.I didnt want to leave him.

Husband slammed the door but i put my foot in it, he slammed the door shut on my foot, told me he was going to fucking kill me, smash my face in etc, i didnt think he would so stayed there, he then opened the door and smacked me really hard around the jaw. All the kids had seen what happened, they started crying, i was really shocked and said i cant believe you did that, ds1 was screaming, i told him if he didn't let ds1 out the house i would go next door and tell them to ring the police (didn't have phone) he still didn't so i tried to push my way through, he started screaming really loudly, i think this was an attempt to make it sound like i was hurting him, i knew i wasn't getting anywhere with him so i ran next door and asked them to ring police, they said they would.

Husband said fine im going, and drove off.

Not only is he drunk, but he also doesn't have a licence (something i only found out about about a yr ago, he has been driving for nearly 20 years)

By this point the kids were hysterical, they had seen everything.

To cut the story short, the police came, drove behind me home, they caught up with him somewhere and now he is in custody for driving offences and obviously assault.

I dont know what to do. My poor kids.I don't know how it escalated so quickly.

I feel like its all my fault.I know he will blame it all on me.

Police have gone now. I have no one at all, no family near by, no real friends i can tell this kind of stuff to.

He keeps doing things that i never thought he would do.He cheated on me when i was pregnant with my first baby, i forgave him. I found out recently he had been sending flirty messages to a girl at work, and that he had taken cocaine a few times on nights out with his friends. He just lies constantly.

OP I also read this last night and was at a loss what to say. Luckily you have had some amazing advice from pp far wiser than me...please listen to them.

I'm not blaming the OP for him doing these things or for him hitting her, driving without a license or insurance, being drunk in charge of the children or anything like that.

I am pointing out that she is SUPPORTING and ENABLING him in doing at least some of these things, which it appears she has a choice in. If she didn't approve of his actions I'd be fully supportive of her but as it is, she thinks he's fine doing some of this stuff and that is where I cannot offer support.

I didn't suggest she doesn't deserve help. I suggested she may find it harder to access if she is supportive of his abusive and illegal behaviours.

Wardeness, don't assume 'I don't know the facts.'

Home ed is a BIG commitment, and although no previous teaching experience is necessary, it is very helpful. Also, support from local authorities for home ed pupils and their families varies a lot from one place to another. Without teaching experience and or qualification it is tough at the best of times. In op's situation, that is 5 dcs under 7, an irresponsible husband, no family or friends near by and an 18 month old... I would say previous experience of teaching would be a great help. Better still, a supportive school that can provide them with a chance to build relationships with others outside their home, as well as professionals who could contribute towards setting up a support network at this time.

This isn't a home ed thread and for all we know, ops children's home ed situation might be temporary and for reasons outside of her choice- e.g. moved to a new area and no school places were available.

OP, are you still here? Don't feel you have to answer, but I hope everything is okay.

I got some really good advice when I posted here on January under another name. I didn't like a lot of it at the time, but I have followed it since then.

About the car thing... My DH used to drive without his glasses, which he needed (he destroyed them in an argument and wouldn't admit his mistake) . I was terrified about him having the children in the car, but felt powerless to intervene. Now that I have left him. I am able to make sure that he is never able to drive the children without his glasses again. I have told social services about it, and I will not be allowing unsupervised contact until he can produce a suitable pair of glasses.

You are in a position of power here, because you have a police report and clear evidence of domestic violence. You are able to start calling the shots about how your children have interaction with their rather dodgy dad.

Lucy. I think your post is kind of assuming that mainstream school is a better option than home ed. That's not necessarily the case.

Any - as this is not a home ed thread, my comments should be read within the context of op's current situation and not as a commentary on home ed in general. In op's current situation, I think a supportive school could be beneficial to the dcs and the family as a whole.

Lucy, maybe you're right. A supportive school would be a great thing in this situation. However, as the children are already home ed., this might be just to much upheaval for the moment. They have been through so much already, and adjusting to the very different world of mainstream school could be horribly distressing for them.

If they could join a steiner school or similar, that might be good, as they would be less difference in the way they are educated, but more adult support. However, this costs money...

Not all mainstream schools are supportive. My boys are lucky to attend a mainstream school which is amazing, not just despite but perhaps almost because we live in a deprived area. They have been great in helping me deal with social services, and have helped my boys enormously.

Not every mainstream school is as good. I really wanted to home educate my boys. I'm glad I didn't, the way things have turned out, but I would never criticise it as a choice.

But you are assuming that most schools are not supportive, with the exception of a Steiner school or the school you found for your dc. I would disagree, many (not all) schools have excellent pastoral care and access to many professionals who can help in these situations e.g. play therapists, councillors.

I'm not knocking home ed, it can be better than sending dc to a school that doesn't meet their need. But the assumption that a good school is a rare thing is mistaken.

Only op knows how her dc would react to a change. Starting school can be stressful for some children. For others, school can be a place that they look forward to going to and in some cases ( not suggesting this is the case for ops dc) it can be a safe haven.

No no honestly I don't think that schools are not supportive. My mum was a headteacher, and I have more insight them most into the ways that schools can help families in need.

I mentioned steiner schools because this would be an easier transition for children who have been home educated. One of Ds1's best friends is at a steiner school. I love the outdoors and child friendly way of educating, although some of it seems like total woo to me.

Maybe school would be a good thing in this situation, I don't know. Only the op knows. Hopener, if she doesnt make some decisions quickly, social services will probably make this decision for her.

I think all questioning posts so far are relevant and the problem is deeper than a slap around the face.

The isolation is worrying. All children being home schooled yet the OP seems to know no one and sorry to harp on it, but doesn't understand everyday law. Who do the children socialise with outside of the family? Why does OP not seem to have any family or friends?

How did this arrangement of two houses come about OP? Do you own the family home and he rents?

Obviously the kids love you, being able to tear them away from running riot at their dad's house is testament to that. Your lives though, yours the children and the father's seem chaotic and if I was in SS, I would be taking a close look.

I was wondering if the homeschooling was insisted on by the husband.

Isolating their victims from a support network (comprised of friends, family and some statutory services) is a commonly used and well known tactic by abusers.

I don't know what the pair of you are trying to do. I assumed dating and getting back together at a later stage but you go to his and breast feed your 18 month old baby, read a bed time story then leave so not a date night then. More to confuse the kids as where they live and why sort of thing.

Meanwhile the father has a skinfull and takes off driving under the influence with no insurance after having assaulted you, his wife, mother of his children. Reported to police.

All of this is very sad as five children are involved and if that catalogue happened to my child's school teacher I wouldn't want him or her anywhere near my children, yet you are teaching your children and in the restrictions of your home.

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if I've missed anything.

The home ed is fine, we do lots and see lots of other people and the kids have friends, when I say no real friends I mean I don't have what I would call a best friend I feel I can confide in about all this. I have plenty of mumfriends though.

He got a caution for assault and 2 points on his licence and a 100 pou d fine for driving with no licence.

He won't have got 2 points on his license - he hasn't got one.

Did he tell you that?

He would have got 3-6 penalty points.

What about the drunk driving? Considering speeding results in 3 points (I think?), 2 points on his non-existent licence for driving without a licence sounds ... bizarre.

How are you today? Have you had any contact with him?

I do not believe one word of your post.

God help the five children though maybe that is fantasy too.

Are the children with you?

op, are you pregnant at the moment? You are on another post asking about names... I'm not judging, just think that some men become more violent around pregnant women. I remember seeing lot s of posters about this in the maternity ward where I had my ds.

Hope you are safe and that you are seeking support.

Far too soon for Court. We are not stupid here OP. Pity those kids.

But he doesn't have a license you said?

court on a bank holiday Monday !

Bank holiday. Given the drink driving, lack of driving licence, therefore no insurance plus the assault wouldn't that be a magistrates appearance? Unless you're in Scotland?