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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has just hit me

205 replies

toomuchnutella · 25/05/2015 00:48

I separated from my husband in December last year, we decided tot ry and live apart and to try and work through things while having some space, he has the 5 children all day on a sunday and sunday night, monday night, wednesday night and friday night, i have them the rest of the time (sahm).

Tonight i went over there as i am still feeding the youngest who is 18m, and to read the older kids a story.We also had a disagreement this morning and i was feeling bad about it so went over there to make up as i hate leaving things like that.

He drinks a lot in general (Lager/ales, at least 4 every night at home) but i could tell he had been drinking more than usual as he seemed snappy and argumentative (with me, not with the kids, they had music on really loud and were all running around pretending to be dinosaurs) the kids hadnt seen me all day so when i got in all of them came running over saying mummy can we come back to yours. i said no its daddys turn.

We spoke about this morning but he basically threw my apology back in my face and said he didnt care and didnt want to talk about it.I was really upset as we have been getting on well since he moved out despite some ups and downs, i do love him but everytime he does something i end up being the one to say sorry and he makes me feel like the bad guy.

As i left the kids asked again if they could come with me, i said no, but then once id closed the door i changed my mind as i was upset about what had happened and tbh i was worried about the drinking, so i went back in and said who wants to come to mummys, they all ran out and jumped in the car except the oldest,who my husband told not to go with me.

He started shouting at me saying your not taking my kids away, i said im not they want to come to mine, your drunk anyway, he started saying he fucking hated me and went back inside to ds1,7. I was worried about ds1 as husband was now very irate and ds1 was really upset.I didnt want to leave him.

Husband slammed the door but i put my foot in it, he slammed the door shut on my foot, told me he was going to fucking kill me, smash my face in etc, i didnt think he would so stayed there, he then opened the door and smacked me really hard around the jaw. All the kids had seen what happened, they started crying, i was really shocked and said i cant believe you did that, ds1 was screaming, i told him if he didn't let ds1 out the house i would go next door and tell them to ring the police (didn't have phone) he still didn't so i tried to push my way through, he started screaming really loudly, i think this was an attempt to make it sound like i was hurting him, i knew i wasn't getting anywhere with him so i ran next door and asked them to ring police, they said they would.

Husband said fine im going, and drove off.

Not only is he drunk, but he also doesn't have a licence (something i only found out about about a yr ago, he has been driving for nearly 20 years)

By this point the kids were hysterical, they had seen everything.

To cut the story short, the police came, drove behind me home, they caught up with him somewhere and now he is in custody for driving offences and obviously assault.

I dont know what to do. My poor kids.I don't know how it escalated so quickly.

I feel like its all my fault.I know he will blame it all on me.

Police have gone now. I have no one at all, no family near by, no real friends i can tell this kind of stuff to.

He keeps doing things that i never thought he would do.He cheated on me when i was pregnant with my first baby, i forgave him. I found out recently he had been sending flirty messages to a girl at work, and that he had taken cocaine a few times on nights out with his friends. He just lies constantly.

OP posts:
kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 25/05/2015 10:06

You are minimising and normalising his behaviour. You should be furious. You should be seeking help. This thread has some fantastic advice. Lordsandladies and exlteve seem bang on the button.

logicalfallacy101 · 25/05/2015 10:07

OP...it's all been said by PP. Please dont think I've commented in order to judge. Until I could walk a mile in your shoes, I havent got a clue what its like to be you in your situation. That said, I do have serious concern that in your original post you commented that you found out about a year ago your DH had no driving licence. Then on a later post you say that DH was supposed to have taken them to a wedding 3 hrs. away! Was someone else taking everyone, or were you just accepting the fact that he was driving? See, before the escalation to the violence, the storming off and the driving under influencem I'm concerned that you may have accepted this as situation normal. As for the rest of what happened. He's the adult, his fault.

Lolimax · 25/05/2015 10:14

Hi op. Just to say I'm thinking of you. Some things might be taken out of your hands now so don't be surprised if you get a phone call from ss tomorrow. But my advice would be work with the system, don't fight it, take all the support offered. There is loads out there (and us on here) and you and your kids will get through this. And this isn't your fault! Try and have a peaceful day x

Clutterbugsmum · 25/05/2015 10:14

I mean my gut instinct is that they are not in danger because he has never hurt the children before, That's fine to think that but did you ever think he would assault you.

I think your thinking has got a bit screwed because you have been in a abusive relationship for a while. It's not ok to let your children to see their dad at the moment, it's not ok for their dad to be that drunk/high while looking after them in case some thing happens to one of them.

I think the best thing to do is to have some distance between you.

lordsandladies · 25/05/2015 10:16

nutella please please believe me that if you try and "manage" this yourself you will be back at square one by Friday.

He will convince you this was a 1 off.

He will convince you it was somehow provoked him and if you can just try snd try and try a little harder all will be well.

You could end up having those children removed. You could lose everything.

You already say he drives with no licence, why would being banned make a difference? Seriously he chose and chose and chose again to break the law and you are choosing to allow it at this point.

Do you have girls? Do you want them to have a DH like this?

Do you have boys? Do you want them to drink, bean the law, scream and slap their wives.

Make the call to SS. It's one tiny call. Once it's done it's done and if he proves he can be good then what's the harm?

Baconontomato · 25/05/2015 10:20

How was he going to get them to the wedding?

Original poster
toomuchnutella · 25/05/2015 11:15

He was going to drive to the wedding. The not having a licence thing wasnt a huge thing for me, i know he is a safe driver, i know plenty of drivers who have passed their test and are rubbish drivers and have crashes all over the place. He has always driven without one, since he was 17 so its his dcision, and his risk to take, i dont feel like my children are any less safe with him in the car because he has a licence. The drinking while driving on the other hand, i wont tolerate so have never let him drive when hes drank, but i know he has done it loads of times when ive not been with him. I cant force him not to if im not there.

Im not sure what im going to do, but i am listening to your advice and taking it on board. I will wait for him to contact me and see how that goes, it will be by email as toddler dropped my phone down the toilet!

I do know 100 per cent that we wont be getting back together, i doubt he even wants to anymore as knowing him he will blame it all on me anyway. And i know he will not be having unsupervised access to the kids anytime soon.

I feel stronger and im glad i started this thread else i would probably still be upset and confused.

OP posts:
Lolimax · 25/05/2015 11:19

You have my complete sympathy with the DV but to let your children go in a car with an uninsured, unqualified driver????? Please!!!!

Cherryapple1 · 25/05/2015 11:20

If your child was going to a friend's house for tea - would you let them go if the parent was a drinker or a drug taker? I cannot understand why you think this is any different. You need a contact centre. You cannot manage his behaviour - please do not let him come into your home either.

Cherryapple1 · 25/05/2015 11:22

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
toomuchnutella · 25/05/2015 11:22

He is insured.

Do you really think that having a licence means you are a safe driver> It just means you have passed the test safely. Look at all the idiots on the road, i bet most of them have passed.

Thats not the point of this thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
toomuchnutella · 25/05/2015 11:24

Can i clarify re the drugs, he has taken them a few times on nights out and not told me until recently. Its not like he is keeping them at his house and taking them regularly.If i thought that was happening then i wouldnt let them go round there.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 25/05/2015 11:24

no he is not insured. If he hasn't passed his test and he has provisional insurance or he has had his licence revoked then he isn't insured because he is lying to the insurance company.

M00nUnit · 25/05/2015 11:24

How can you be so blasé about an unqualified driver driving your kids around? That's bonkers!

AnyRailway · 25/05/2015 11:25

Op, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your children.

I think you're right in refusing all contact. Please call social services yourself first thing tomorrow morning. This will put you in a strong position, and I'm pretty sure they will back you up.

Witnessing domestic violence is a major child protection issue. You need to be doing the right thing here, no matter how conflicted you are feeling.

MakeItACider · 25/05/2015 11:30

Op, you mentioned that he has them 4 nights a week, and 1 whole day on the weekend.

With school age children (which I guess 2 of them are?) that means he has them more than you do. I gather the non school children spent the days with you, but as soon as they go to school they would also have been with him more than you. How much thought went into this pattern of access? Because it seems highly unusual.

BalloonSlayer · 25/05/2015 11:30

If you are found not to have a driving license your insurance would be null and void. Everyone knows that, surely? Confused Do you seriously think an insurance company would cough up if they found their policyholder didn't have a licence??????

And as for " he can come here and see the kids in my house until i am satisfied he will look after them properly" - the mind boggles! I don't think YOU won't get the chance to decide on that matter - it will be up to SS.

Arsenic · 25/05/2015 11:30

The insurance isn't valid without a licence.

Baconontomato · 25/05/2015 11:35

I know its already been said but I'm going to shout it:

HE ISNT INSURED UNLESS HE HAS A FULL VALUD DRIVING LICENCE. AND HE DOESN'T.

Fucks sake, woman! Angry

FujimotosElixir · 25/05/2015 11:39

This is not your fault im sorry this
happened to you, sorry your kids witnessed that too poor buggers. must have been very frightening. Flabulous, your posts arent being very helpful re.drinking a lot of parents have like a couple of beets on a sunday afternoon etc however the question about the car is very valid , i hope the answer to that is no.

FryOneFatManic · 25/05/2015 11:41

The not having a licence thing wasnt a huge thing for me, i know he is a safe driver, i know plenty of drivers who have passed their test and are rubbish drivers and have crashes all over the place. He has always driven without one, since he was 17 so its his dcision, and his risk to take

It's not just the licence, is it? The insurance isn't going to be valid, if you even have any, and if someone hits him/his car, it'll get really, really messy. I would never risk the DCs with an unqualified driver.

I reckon if he tried passing a test now, he'd quite likely fail. And not bothering to take a test strikes me as being arrogant, as if he knows better, and that kind of attitude is highly likely to be apparent in his driving.

And this is before we get on to all the other stuff.

OP, don't discount contact centres, etc. It should be supervised contact now, away from your home, and preferably away from you.

Now that he's on record as having been violent, you may be able to get legal aid for advice on contact. And you should get proper advice. You never thought he'd hit you, and as your DCs grow older you don't know how he'll react to them.

But even without the violence, children learn about relationships from their parents, so what do you think your DCs will be learning from him? Do you want them to copy his/your relationship in the future?

Cherryapple1 · 25/05/2015 11:42

I am astounded he has them more than you. Does that mean he has the tax credits and child benefit in his name? Was he always the primary carer?

where are your family and friends in all this. You need RL support.

Baconontomato · 25/05/2015 11:42

"Can i clarify re the drugs, he has taken them a few times on nights out and not told me until recently. Its not like he is keeping them at his house and taking them regularly.If i thought that was happening then i wouldnt let them go round there"

With respect, how would you know? How would you (also) know whether he's had a skinful the nights he's had your kids and you're not there?

You've told us;

  • he's hit you (but you thought he'd never do it
  • he did it in front of the children (and you thought he never would)
  • he abuses drugs and alcohol
  • he drives uninsured without a licence (but you didn't know that)

What a catch. Seriously, wake up OP before this rapidly unravels in your face.

Cherryapple1 · 25/05/2015 11:43

And he is unfaithful too.

Hardly a trustworthy, pillar of the community is he.

FujimotosElixir · 25/05/2015 11:49

oh , i posted too soon Confused