My husband has just hit me

[toomuchnutella]

I separated from my husband in December last year, we decided tot ry and live apart and to try and work through things while having some space, he has the 5 children all day on a sunday and sunday night, monday night, wednesday night and friday night, i have them the rest of the time (sahm).

Tonight i went over there as i am still feeding the youngest who is 18m, and to read the older kids a story.We also had a disagreement this morning and i was feeling bad about it so went over there to make up as i hate leaving things like that.

He drinks a lot in general (Lager/ales, at least 4 every night at home) but i could tell he had been drinking more than usual as he seemed snappy and argumentative (with me, not with the kids, they had music on really loud and were all running around pretending to be dinosaurs) the kids hadnt seen me all day so when i got in all of them came running over saying mummy can we come back to yours. i said no its daddys turn.

We spoke about this morning but he basically threw my apology back in my face and said he didnt care and didnt want to talk about it.I was really upset as we have been getting on well since he moved out despite some ups and downs, i do love him but everytime he does something i end up being the one to say sorry and he makes me feel like the bad guy.

As i left the kids asked again if they could come with me, i said no, but then once id closed the door i changed my mind as i was upset about what had happened and tbh i was worried about the drinking, so i went back in and said who wants to come to mummys, they all ran out and jumped in the car except the oldest,who my husband told not to go with me.

He started shouting at me saying your not taking my kids away, i said im not they want to come to mine, your drunk anyway, he started saying he fucking hated me and went back inside to ds1,7. I was worried about ds1 as husband was now very irate and ds1 was really upset.I didnt want to leave him.

Husband slammed the door but i put my foot in it, he slammed the door shut on my foot, told me he was going to fucking kill me, smash my face in etc, i didnt think he would so stayed there, he then opened the door and smacked me really hard around the jaw. All the kids had seen what happened, they started crying, i was really shocked and said i cant believe you did that, ds1 was screaming, i told him if he didn't let ds1 out the house i would go next door and tell them to ring the police (didn't have phone) he still didn't so i tried to push my way through, he started screaming really loudly, i think this was an attempt to make it sound like i was hurting him, i knew i wasn't getting anywhere with him so i ran next door and asked them to ring police, they said they would.

Husband said fine im going, and drove off.

Not only is he drunk, but he also doesn't have a licence (something i only found out about about a yr ago, he has been driving for nearly 20 years)

By this point the kids were hysterical, they had seen everything.

To cut the story short, the police came, drove behind me home, they caught up with him somewhere and now he is in custody for driving offences and obviously assault.

I dont know what to do. My poor kids.I don't know how it escalated so quickly.

I feel like its all my fault.I know he will blame it all on me.

Police have gone now. I have no one at all, no family near by, no real friends i can tell this kind of stuff to.

He keeps doing things that i never thought he would do.He cheated on me when i was pregnant with my first baby, i forgave him. I found out recently he had been sending flirty messages to a girl at work, and that he had taken cocaine a few times on nights out with his friends. He just lies constantly.

Well done for calling the police. He violently assaulted you in front of your children.

He definitely should only have supervised access while he is still drinking and for that reason it may be better if SS are involved as they will help you to protect your children from him.

I think you know that your marriage is over. Whatever happens next, he has brought it on himself.

Please try and get some support from Women's Aid as suggested earlier. I don't know if you have a Sure Start centre in your area, the funding has been so dramatically cut, but if you do, they would also be able to help you.

I hope you can get some help from somewhere.

So sorry this has happened to you, OP.

I wonder if the freedom programme might help you, because though you did what you had to do under the circumstances, you seem so accustomed to taking the blame for everything, you also seem to be taking the blame for being hit.

toomuchnutella I am so sorry this happened. I am sure I will just echo what others say! You said "I feel like its all my fault.I know he will blame it all on me."

Of course he will blame you, he does not want to admit he has fucked up! Sorry, and I rarely swear!

Please just remember what you have told us, he has cheated on you while you were pregnant, taken cocaine, he drinks, he has hit you, he is driving without a licence and under the influence of alcohol, imagine if he drove while drunk with your five kids in the car! He could end up in a fatal accident with your kids in the car!

Of course you could not leave a drunk, angry man in charge of five children. The pattern of contact sounds quite a lot of time for him to have the children, because the youngest is so young and the spread of days means the children are back and forth between you both. Even if he were perfectly capable of looking after them then it could be disruptive to them, but because he is clearly not currently capable of looking after the children unsupervised I think you should proceed carefully and make professionals aware of the situation.

Agree with minkGrundy, SomethingOnce, Atenco, skyeskyeskye, MrsNextDoor BettyCatKitten, and all who are commenting about how you should not allow him to be in charge of the kids due to his problems at the moment and also how you appear to be taking responsibility for this violent action, which is just one part of a string of actions which have put your marriage and your safety in jeopardy.

He has done this, for whatever reason, and he is blaming you.

Please get angry with the right person, HIM. I know you love him and you can still love someone and know that they are not safe to be around your kids or you.

The fact all your kids wanted to go back with you shows they were not comfortable but the evidence of your own eyes that he was drunk in charge of the children is evidence enough that he is not safe to be around them, and by hitting you (in front of them) he has proved he is not safe to be around you. Please, please do not minimise this. Follow your instincts. Get all the help you can.

Please do call women's aid too.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Women's Aid, PO Box 3245, Bristol, BS2 2EH | Registered Charity No. 1054154 | T: 0117 944 4411 | F: 0117 924 1703
E: [email protected] | Helpline: [email protected]

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Can I also just ask, you say you do not have family or many friends? I am guessing with a lot of kids you are busy but I am also guessing you have come into contact with a lot of people like other mums and dads from toddlers or school etc. Did your husband stop you making friends? If so, that is a classic (I believe) sign of an abuser who keeps you isolated. Please take steps to change that when you can, to build up friends locally. You don't need to tell everyone your life story, just have a coffee with another mum at the local toddlers, take kids to the park together etc. Building up friendships will help to build your confidence and might also show you more positive family interactions so you may spot the things your husband has done which are totally wrong and see them in a more realistic light.

If not making friends is about your own lack of confidence, please do try because it is such a help to have friends who like and respect you and it can go some small way to redressing the confidence that being in an angry or abusive relationship can sap out of you.

Please do call women's aid too.

leaving your kids with a drunk four nights a week isn't protecting your children that's putting them in danger. You can't have care is children and drink. You said he drinks four cans that's bullshit he was pissed. You know he drinks but left your kids there how is that doing what's right for them. Sorry that isn't. Don't minimise your part in this. If you have care of kids at any time you don't drink. Kids come first not the need to get pissed

I cannot understand leaving five children with a man who drinks, has used drugs, doesn't have a license, etc., for four nights a week PLUS one entire day. Please be sure to take the advice of the posters above before social services steps in and handles this FOR you.

From what you've said, it could be that he'll be charged with driving without a licence and may also be charged with driving without insurance as any policy he may have purchased will be invalidated by the fact that he shouldn't be driving a car or any other vehicle on a public highway. .

If he was over the limit when apprehended, he'll also be charged with drink driving.

In addition to the above, he's also facing a further criminal charge of common assault.

It's probable he'll bailed tomorrow to either appear before the Magistrates or return to the arresting police station on a given date to be formally charged with whatever offences it's alleged he's committed.

In terms of sentencing, disqualification from driving, penalty points on any licence he may eventually obtain, hefty fine(s), and/or a prison term are all possibilities.

In short, he's going to have a sackload of blame to offload on you and it's likely to be a gift that keeps on giving as he begins to appreciate the adverse effect a criminal conviction, or a string of them as the case may be, may have in the future.

Under the circumstances, you would be ill-advised to allow him into your home until you "are satisfied that he can look after them (the dc) properly" and, indeed, bail conditions may have been imposed which prohibit him coming anywhere near your home or making contact with you.

If the police don't get back to you later today, I suggest you make contact with them to clarify what action has been/is being taken against him.

FWIW you appear to believe that a 'couple of drinks' is acceptable when in charge of children but 2 alcoholic drinks are sufficient to impair judgement, particularly if they've been necked in quick succession, and it's imperative that any one person caring for 5 dc age 7 and under has their wits about them at all times.

Needless to say, your dc should not be allowed ot travel in any vehicle he's driving until such time as he's obtained a full driving licence through the proper channels and can show evidence of this.

Why do you let him have the children so often knowing he drinks?

Right,

He assaulted you in front of the children. That is abuse of you and of them too.
He was drunk in charge of the children.

You need protection and the children need to be protected.

He should have supervised access, yes, but NOT in your presence, and definitely not in your house. He will just continue to abuse you.

Yes, contact SS. Move heavens and earth to make sure the children are safe.

Definitely press charges. It's not likely that he will go to jail or anything, but it will be important to protect the children and you legally.

Give up on him. This is a man you don't want to be in a relationship with. As difficult as it is, let go of him. Don't expect anything from him.

I am sorry Op on every count. He is an abusive wanker. I am glad that you have the children. I agree with all who say that they would not leave their children with him now. I hope that the police do charge him although I suspect that you are right in terms of him still claiming that this is your fault. Clearly it is his doing but I imagine he won't see that.

I would not let him in my house either and agree supervised contact at a neutral location. I would let the HV know (they may see this anyway) and also contact SS myself for advice. You have done nothing wrong and have stood up for your children. He is a disgrace.

Hope today is as peaceful as possible for you Op and your children.

Sorry that this has happened to you OP. How are you and the kids this morning?

Please call social services yourself - you can't allow him to come to your house to have contact with the kids, it's not safe for you or them, but I think you are right to identify that supervised contact is needed.

Please call Women's Aid too, for some support.

You might want to think about whether you need to let your older DC school know, if your ex would normally pick them up etc and this needs to change. But SS could help you with this.

Oh just realised he's still your husband and you are trying to work things out. Please don't - please end this relationship.

I think you've been ground down and isolated over time lovely and have slowly slowly moved your boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

It's a steady drip drip of accepting things and trying to "make everything ok" for your DC who you clearly love. You fought for them tonight and despite what a few posters say that's a good thing. You felt that for once they were in genuine danger and you got them safe despite this escalating to a punch for you.

However THIS is the line. All those times you accepted being wrong, accepted things that weren't your normal you DON'T do that this time. Forget you forget him forget any love and think about the fact your children were scared. Your children saw violence. Your oldest, still a baby really was trapped in a home with someone who was hitting and screaming. If it had been a stranger not your husband would you be horrified.

He will be angry when released. He will be seeking to manipulate and his lack of care for the children seeing him in that state worries me. He could kill them in revenge, you know that right? Not just lose his temper and slap one of them (I'd check he hasn't already and they haven't told you tbh) he is on a spiral and could take them with him.

This cannot be normalised. You can't "check his attitude" or "allow them access in your house first" because he will talk you around he's clearly spent many years doing so. You need to stay away.

Do you have supportive family anywhere? Or a strong friend?

If you can pack those kids up (fuck school, commitments all of it) and go to someone then do it, now.

When DH and I hit crisis point in his breakdown (no violence). I ran "home" to mum and dad and god the clarity! I could suddenly see where we were going wrong and felt strong again. I had no time to see out of the bubble with 3DC and no help. 5 DC must be so much worse!

You need to pop your bubble to plan your future. There isno safely saving your normal now I'm sorry

Just to pipe up....child contact should now not ever be in your house, or with you there. He poses the risk to you, so you cannot be there when he see the kids otherwise he could harm you no they will see.

There will be a social services referral which will be brilliant. Child contact now needs to go thro the court and the judge, cafcass will decide on the contact.

I'm very sorry to hear what happened. Take it steady for now, zero contact with husband, zero child contact, just quiet days letting the dust settle xx

Agree with PPs. Not in your house OP. It isn't safe and he will use it to control you.

Hope you are OK today.
Also bear in mind, he will want to bkame you but you are not obliged to see him or to speak to him. In fact if he does contact you, you can and probably should tell the police, especually if he is in anyway persistent, verbally abusive or threatening.

Stay safe.

Read this post when it first came up but could offer no practical advice. Been thinking about you all night OP.
Keep safe, protect your children and keep strong, X xxxxx

STOP with all the "you shouldn't leave your kids with a drunk" BOLLOCKS.

OP may well not have a choice.

Courts will NOT stop contact based on one parent saying the other drinks/is a drunk.

The only way to use drinking as a reason is with COURT ORDERED LFTs that show habitual over-drinking. And the only way to get court ordered LFTs is for there to have ALREADY been an issue, known and reported to the police.

OP may well be able to do this now - but if this is the first alcohol related incident in which the police have been called then she couldn't do it before.

STOP telling her she can refuse to let the children go with him/stay with him. If he has PR she HAS NO CHOICE and what you are suggesting is dangerous and could make things worse for the children and OP.

Fucking half truths and knee jerk reactions are DANGEROUS. If you don't know what you are talking about then shut the fuck up. You are NOT helping OP.

OP. Women's aid. As soon as possible. They will be able to give you factual advice and the ability to fight your corner. The Freedom programme too is a godsend, both for you and the kids. Social Services to show you are doing everything in your power for your children - you have nothing to fear from them. Supervised contact in a contact centre is probably the best offer and SS can facilitate that. Contact Centre staff can refuse entry to a drunk. Call the police each and every time he is abusive and/or threatening to you. The more reports on record the better your chance to get a non-molestation order and/or contact order.

You can do this OP. You were strong enough to call the police yesterday, you can be strong today and every next day. You've made that first call. Well done OP, bloody well done.

Ex while I agree those having a go at OP for "allowing" her DH access so far are wrong (for a start he's clearly not been violent before) but do you really mean she should just hand the kids over now at the next arranged day? Despite them probably being terrified, him being violent and the danger to her. Plus I suspect this is not a court ordered arrangement but an informal one.

Can't she steer clear for now, contact the appropriate authorities and arrange contact in the future within that framework??

That was my point lordsandladies. Now that there has been violence she has a reason to withhold contact and can use the police case as 'fuel' to withholding. But she wouldn't have been supported simply because she says he is a drinker/drunk, because anyone could say that and without LFTs there is no 'proof'. I was angry with posters condemning the OP for leaving the children with their father when actually she had no reason (in law) not to do so. It's bad and dangerous advice and quite simply judgemental bollocks from posters who just want to stick the boot in.

We all have choices. The husband has proved he is incapable of looking after the children. Social services will be called by the police. And they will want assurances from the op that she will not put her kids in danger. Ergo don't leave with a drunk. Does she let him take the kids in the car knowing he has no licence and insurance?

Thanks for all the messages, we are all fine this morning. Have explained to the kids they wont be able to stay with daddy for a while until he sorts himself out. He was supposed to take them to a family wedding 3 hours away for a couple of days but ive told them they wont be able to now and they are not impressed!

I don't want to stop him seeing the kids and i don't feel they are in danger, but as you have said, didn't think he would ever hit me. I think maybe meeting in a neutral location like parks etc would be good for now, if that doesn't work out i will involve ss or whoever it is i need to involve.

God i didnt think this would ever happen to me!

HI OP,

I've been where you are, and you're doing really well. What helped me was going non-contact (part of his bail conditions) because the fog just lifted and I could see clearly how many lines I'd allowed him to get away with crossing.

SS have been brilliant, hugely supportive of me because they can see I just want to do the right thing by DC. Contact is currently via a contact centre, no overnights due to the alcohol. Next step will be court to agree a plan that is risk assessed by the experts.

Be strong, it does get better I promise.

I don't want to stop him seeing the kids and i don't feel they are in danger,

Would you be able to explain a bit more of your thinking here?

I mean my gut instinct is that they are not in danger because he has never hurt the children before, but i am also saying i know that doesnt mean much because i didn't think he would ever hit me.That is why i wont let him have unsupervised contact til he has sorted himself out.

I really don't want to get involved with contact centres and courts and stuff, although i will if i don't think the situation is getting better (he stops drinking and takes responsibility for his actions) he will be banned from driving now anyway so wouldn't be able to have them anyway.

So what would it take for you to feel that their physical and emotional well-being was in danger?

I agree with the earlier, very kindly put, comments that your boundaries have been pushed and pushed, inch by inch, until you can't see properly.

Put it this way, I would not knowingly leave my children with people who abuse alcohol or drugs.