My husband has just hit me

[toomuchnutella]

I separated from my husband in December last year, we decided tot ry and live apart and to try and work through things while having some space, he has the 5 children all day on a sunday and sunday night, monday night, wednesday night and friday night, i have them the rest of the time (sahm).

Tonight i went over there as i am still feeding the youngest who is 18m, and to read the older kids a story.We also had a disagreement this morning and i was feeling bad about it so went over there to make up as i hate leaving things like that.

He drinks a lot in general (Lager/ales, at least 4 every night at home) but i could tell he had been drinking more than usual as he seemed snappy and argumentative (with me, not with the kids, they had music on really loud and were all running around pretending to be dinosaurs) the kids hadnt seen me all day so when i got in all of them came running over saying mummy can we come back to yours. i said no its daddys turn.

We spoke about this morning but he basically threw my apology back in my face and said he didnt care and didnt want to talk about it.I was really upset as we have been getting on well since he moved out despite some ups and downs, i do love him but everytime he does something i end up being the one to say sorry and he makes me feel like the bad guy.

As i left the kids asked again if they could come with me, i said no, but then once id closed the door i changed my mind as i was upset about what had happened and tbh i was worried about the drinking, so i went back in and said who wants to come to mummys, they all ran out and jumped in the car except the oldest,who my husband told not to go with me.

He started shouting at me saying your not taking my kids away, i said im not they want to come to mine, your drunk anyway, he started saying he fucking hated me and went back inside to ds1,7. I was worried about ds1 as husband was now very irate and ds1 was really upset.I didnt want to leave him.

Husband slammed the door but i put my foot in it, he slammed the door shut on my foot, told me he was going to fucking kill me, smash my face in etc, i didnt think he would so stayed there, he then opened the door and smacked me really hard around the jaw. All the kids had seen what happened, they started crying, i was really shocked and said i cant believe you did that, ds1 was screaming, i told him if he didn't let ds1 out the house i would go next door and tell them to ring the police (didn't have phone) he still didn't so i tried to push my way through, he started screaming really loudly, i think this was an attempt to make it sound like i was hurting him, i knew i wasn't getting anywhere with him so i ran next door and asked them to ring police, they said they would.

Husband said fine im going, and drove off.

Not only is he drunk, but he also doesn't have a licence (something i only found out about about a yr ago, he has been driving for nearly 20 years)

By this point the kids were hysterical, they had seen everything.

To cut the story short, the police came, drove behind me home, they caught up with him somewhere and now he is in custody for driving offences and obviously assault.

I dont know what to do. My poor kids.I don't know how it escalated so quickly.

I feel like its all my fault.I know he will blame it all on me.

Police have gone now. I have no one at all, no family near by, no real friends i can tell this kind of stuff to.

He keeps doing things that i never thought he would do.He cheated on me when i was pregnant with my first baby, i forgave him. I found out recently he had been sending flirty messages to a girl at work, and that he had taken cocaine a few times on nights out with his friends. He just lies constantly.

He might be paying for insurance, but if anything happens they sure as hell won't pay up. That means if he crashed into someone's car,and wrote it off HE (ie you) could end up paying.

If you can't get you head around the enormity of the dangers him not having a licence, think about the inconvenience:

if he was driving the kids and he got pulled up for any reason ( even just a faulty brake light, never mind ANPR flagging the car up for an irregularity) then they'd just confiscate the car and leave him and the kids to get the bus.

OP you need to up the Barr about what is acceptable, it's far too low atm so you're not bothered about stuff.

The contact you had in place is frankly ridiculous, the kids won't know if they are coming or going. Their dad has moved out and they're being shipped between houses every other day practically not even had a time to process their parents splitting up and get some calm in their lives. This is going to if it carries on majorly bite you on the arse during the teenage years.

See the police thing through and forget about your needs for a break for the minute. Your children should be coming first and foremost and are depending on you to bring some stability to their lives.

Hunker down today and spend some time with them and sort out contact later on.

OP, you need to read very carefully what everyone else on this thread is saying and take note of it. Because from the detail you have posted so far, should SS get involved here and ask exactly the same questions previous posters have done, you could end up with your children on a protection order.

Allowing their father to drive them without a licence or insurance (and boy will he make sure he tells the authorities you KNEW about this and were fine with it) is utterly shocking
Knowing he abuses drugs and alcohol and letting him have majority care will raise major questions
Hopefully you are rethinking this, but post DV incident, simply asserting that he'd see them at your house until you were satisfied that all was ok again - no no no no no.

Can I just add too - unless you know yourself that it's the case and you've actually seen his insurance details, I can't really see how your H has managed to get himself car insurance. Faked driver details? Faked licence number? Let's be blunt: you think a man who has the arrogance and criminality to be happy driving unqualified for years is going to bother to shell out for insurance that - unless he is actually really truly stupid - he knows is NO USE to him as if there's ever an accident, they won't pay out and he'll be prosecuted? Extremely odd.

The bottom line is, anyone letting their children be driven by an unlicensed and uninsured driver will have their judgement as a parent seriously questioned.

There are some big assumptions being made here.

He doesnt have them more than i do, ihave them all day mon to friday, from mid morning on a saturday, and then tues,thurs and sat nights. I spend a ton of time with my kids, they are home educated so we are together all the time.

I am not putting me needing a break before anything, i dont really need a break, i miss my kids when they are not here.

I disagree with the driving thing. I know he is a safe driver, thats all that matters to me. I would refuse to get into a car with someone who was not a safe driver, licence or not, i had been driving round with him for years before i found out, i know he is a safe driver. I don't really feel the need to comment on that anymore.

Im not sticking up for him!Is anyone actually reading my posts! I dont want to get back with him, i can see now he is an arsehole.

The bottom line is, anyone letting their children be driven by an unlicensed and uninsured driver will have their judgement as a parent seriously questioned.

Indeed. I'd imagine the relevant agencies would take a very dim view of that.

yes i have seen insurance it came out our joint bank account,i dont know what kind, think it might be third party?either way as you say it would be useless in an accident so doesnt make any difference.

Arrogance is the correct term!!

I asked the police if it was bad that i knew, they said no, who would shop their husband? Good on him for getting away with it for so long, he did well!

Good that you are the one habitually with the children more.

It is utterly worrying that you cannot see the problem with 'the driving thing'. Simply based on that, I'm not going to comment any more. I would strongly advise you to look at the volume of comment from parents here saying how unacceptable they would find it and realise that your thinking here on how you protect and the example you set your children is seriously skewed. Good luck.

You've lost my sympathy with your last post. Your poor children.

The insurance is invalid! He may be paying it, but it won't pay out in th event of an accident BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A LICENCE!!

Good on him for getting away with it for so long, he did well!
Are you fucking for real?

"I know he is a safe driver, thats all that matters to me."

• but he drove off pissed today!

How in the name of arse is that a "safe driver."?

thats what the policeman said!

I'm so sorry about the DV, that sounds awful and very distressing. No contact/supervised contact is the right way to go.

That said, I think you are in very deep denial about your ex.

Please, please listen to what people are saying and don't, for god's sake let this man drive your children around!

While I applaud you for calling the police last night and for saying that you won't go back to him, I am utterly amazed at how clueless you are about the implications of him driving without insurance and valid licence.

OP....you need to seriously wake up and smell the coffee. Your justification on the no licence etc is seriously flawed. What planet do you live on? If an accident should occur and God forbid your dc were killed or seriously injured; even assuming it was the other drivers fault. All that would be swept aside by the law and your DH would have the book thrown at him.
What life lesson in accepting this situation is being given to your dc?
Please please change your thinking on this before you process anything else. You are in denial.

I asked the police if it was bad that i knew, they said no, who would shop their husband? Good on him for getting away with it for so long, he did well!

It's very naive of you to think that this was their actual opinion. Police try to get you on side so you'll admit more details - surely you've watched crime shows in the past? They minimise the severity of what's happened to encourage you to think "Oh well it's obviously not very serious so I might as well tell them everything." They were getting as much detail from you as possible so they can counter his lies when he's arrested.

Leaving aside the whole driving issue right now - which I think you have normalised in your own mind partly because you haven't had anybody else around to "compare notes" with - how are your children this morning? They must have been terrified yesterday seeing their mother assaulted by their father.

Can you phone Women's Aid today? I think it would be really good for you to get a supportive and knowledgeable viewpoint on where to go from here.

for you because you have got a bit of a pasting here for sticking your head in the sand. Time to pull it out and start smelling the flowers instead, okay?

The fact that your children are home educated means that you need to be even more careful that you are seen to be doing the right thing. Please call social services and ask for their advice.

When I called the police after Dh had hit me in front of the children, the police officers who attended raised child protection concerns about ME because I was co sleeping with the children, and because the little one was out of bed quite late. Social services were understanding about this, but the whole thing was very stressful and I had to be questioned about exactly why I had made these parenting choices.

You need social services on your side!! Your children have been through enough already. You don't want to be seen as an unfit parent and have your children hauled away into foster homes and mainstream school.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this. Sometimes, when you are in the thick of it, it's hard to see the wood for trees, but I'm sure you will make the right decisions when you've had the head space to think this through for a bit.

Good on him for getting away with it for so long, he did well!

Your attitude sucks. This makes me doubt your ability to be a good parent in other ways.

You've lost my sympathy totally with that comment. Sort it out yourself.

Good advice pocket . I second the advice about getting in touch with Women's Aid as it sounds like you Cound do with some RL support.

*could

The fact your kids aren't in school makes it more likely you'll be checked out because they're not on anybody's radar. You really need to wake up a bit about how serious what you're saying is.

OP please take pics of any bruising as soon as it appears, if it does so. Also please book a GP appointment and get any injuries reported, even if they are minor. You must do this, it could provide valuable evidence just incase you need this in the future.

If you don't need it, then no harm done in just having pics/gp confirmation.

I didn't take pics of mine as I had no intention of leaving him, but it was a big mistake.

Talking to your doctor is a good idea in any case. You need all the professionals on your side! Social services will certainly be talking to health professionals who are involved with your family, especially as there is no school to consult.

My doctor was really helpful about the whole domestic violence thing, and offered to refer both me and ds1 for counselling.

Actually no, your attitude is awful but you have a husband who assaulted you. So I don't want to suggest you don't deserve any help. It's just, when you talk like that, it will put people off wanting to help you.

It sounds like there is a huge backstory here. He has been breaking the law for many years, you have been enabling him and possibly doing similar yourself.

These children deserve more than the chaotic life you are giving them. It is wrong and unfair and it will all unravel around them if you carry on like this.

Sort out your stance on the law and clue yourself up on insurance, driving without a license etc. You have zero respect for these things and yet still expect the law to protect you when something goes wrong.

It can only work on give and take, and you are likely to seriously piss off the powers that be if you continue to support law breaking activity while demanding their help.

Does this make sense to you?