My husband has just hit me

[toomuchnutella]

I separated from my husband in December last year, we decided tot ry and live apart and to try and work through things while having some space, he has the 5 children all day on a sunday and sunday night, monday night, wednesday night and friday night, i have them the rest of the time (sahm).

Tonight i went over there as i am still feeding the youngest who is 18m, and to read the older kids a story.We also had a disagreement this morning and i was feeling bad about it so went over there to make up as i hate leaving things like that.

He drinks a lot in general (Lager/ales, at least 4 every night at home) but i could tell he had been drinking more than usual as he seemed snappy and argumentative (with me, not with the kids, they had music on really loud and were all running around pretending to be dinosaurs) the kids hadnt seen me all day so when i got in all of them came running over saying mummy can we come back to yours. i said no its daddys turn.

We spoke about this morning but he basically threw my apology back in my face and said he didnt care and didnt want to talk about it.I was really upset as we have been getting on well since he moved out despite some ups and downs, i do love him but everytime he does something i end up being the one to say sorry and he makes me feel like the bad guy.

As i left the kids asked again if they could come with me, i said no, but then once id closed the door i changed my mind as i was upset about what had happened and tbh i was worried about the drinking, so i went back in and said who wants to come to mummys, they all ran out and jumped in the car except the oldest,who my husband told not to go with me.

He started shouting at me saying your not taking my kids away, i said im not they want to come to mine, your drunk anyway, he started saying he fucking hated me and went back inside to ds1,7. I was worried about ds1 as husband was now very irate and ds1 was really upset.I didnt want to leave him.

Husband slammed the door but i put my foot in it, he slammed the door shut on my foot, told me he was going to fucking kill me, smash my face in etc, i didnt think he would so stayed there, he then opened the door and smacked me really hard around the jaw. All the kids had seen what happened, they started crying, i was really shocked and said i cant believe you did that, ds1 was screaming, i told him if he didn't let ds1 out the house i would go next door and tell them to ring the police (didn't have phone) he still didn't so i tried to push my way through, he started screaming really loudly, i think this was an attempt to make it sound like i was hurting him, i knew i wasn't getting anywhere with him so i ran next door and asked them to ring police, they said they would.

Husband said fine im going, and drove off.

Not only is he drunk, but he also doesn't have a licence (something i only found out about about a yr ago, he has been driving for nearly 20 years)

By this point the kids were hysterical, they had seen everything.

To cut the story short, the police came, drove behind me home, they caught up with him somewhere and now he is in custody for driving offences and obviously assault.

I dont know what to do. My poor kids.I don't know how it escalated so quickly.

I feel like its all my fault.I know he will blame it all on me.

Police have gone now. I have no one at all, no family near by, no real friends i can tell this kind of stuff to.

He keeps doing things that i never thought he would do.He cheated on me when i was pregnant with my first baby, i forgave him. I found out recently he had been sending flirty messages to a girl at work, and that he had taken cocaine a few times on nights out with his friends. He just lies constantly.

OP.ot is your choice but I would strongky advjse against you supervising contact. He will use it as an opportunity to control and manipulate you. Sadly they all do.

Is there someone else who can do it? Your PIL if you trust them? Your own parents?

Id the reason you do not want to use a contact centre because you are scared he will be angry? Or other?

And I fully agree with exLt who clicks on a thread titled 'my dh hit me' and immediately looks for ways to blame the OP

Do you really think that having a licence means you are a safe driver> It just means you have passed the test safely. Look at all the idiots on the road, i bet most of them have passed.

Right, so why didn't he just take the fffing test then if he's so great at it?

He sounds narcissistic.

Psippina

this is relationships not AIBU.

For some one that HE you area behaving very stupidly op

The police were absolutly leading you diwn the path to get more infomation and don't for one minute think they wouldn't charge you if they could.

How ridicoulous you let your kids drive round in a car that is uninsured. If there was a accident that wasn't even your DH fault and you children where seriously damaged for life you would get no insurance to help make their life easier.

My mil does this. I refused point blank to let my dd in her car.

Madness

I think you will get a call of SS

What did I say to offend you, Mink?

In any way discouraging the victims of domestic abuse from seeking the protection of the law is deeply irresponsible. Even planting the seed of thought that they are in some way less entitled than anyone else to the protection of the law is a seriously flawed thing to do.

The OPs partner is abusive.
The OPs partner is breaking the law when he drives without a license. The OP reported him for drink driving.

The OP is NOT responsible for him.
it is NOT HER FAULT.

Quit with the victim blaming please.

OP I think people are focussing on the driving thing because it highlights how you've been brainwashed by this man.

In baby steps you have normalised every bit of shitty behaviour his has thrown at you, this is very common in an abusive relationship.

You get by with abusve people by telling yourself that "it could be worse, at least he doesnt....." whatever. Except yours has now done it all. Cheated, taken drugs, drink to excess with your kids in his care, hit you, driven drunk and uninsured with no license (and who's to say he hasnt driven over the limit with the kids in the car? You cant be sure he hasnt), terrorised his kids when drunk.........

You need the scales to fall from your eyes over his behaviour and realise that by allowing him to have the kids in the way you have when he is drinking, to accept his law breaking over the driving and to gloss over his cheating and drug taking, you are simply enabling his behaviour.

I do agree that the Freedom Programme could be good for you. I dont think you quite get just how bad this situation is for the children.

I wonder what other illegal activities he has been taking part in during your relationship. Maybe living in this way is normal to you, hence why you are minimising it all now, but it isn't normal or right is it. I mean if it was the police wouldn't have arrested him for it.

This isn't your fault, but I think you need a lot of real life support to enable you can see what he really is like. Please call Women's Aid. Also have you had medical attention for your injuries? If not please make that a priority. All this being on record will only serve you well in the long run. If not for yourself, please do this for your children.

You're contradicting yourself. You didn't want to leave your oldest because of his behaviour yet you're now saying they aren't in danger from him.

Get a divorce.
Supervised access

Everything done through the courts
Don't talk to him
Put a chain on the door.

Your boundaries seem to be way out of whack OP. Who on earth leaves their kids with someone who has major alcohol issues, never mind knowingly walking out the door leaving them with a drunk person.

I'm struggling to imagine how, why, where that would ever be appropriate.

Please please for the love of god sort yourself out and get yourself and kids away from this idiot.

Oh and the car thing, I'm speechless. I'm angry on your kids behalf that their lives mean so little to him!

mink the op is responsible for the safety of her children.

He absolutly should not have hit her.

She Should absolutly not have let her children be driven around by a uninsured driver. She does have to take responsibility for that.

absolutley*

I cannot fucking believe that you are happy for your children to be driven around by an uninsured driver. What is the fucking matter with you?

Of course he can have insurance, and must have it to drive on a provisional licence, but the insurance is only valid if he is accompanied in the car by a passenger with a full driving licence. If not, his insurance is invalid, and in the case of an accident, the insurance would not pay out. So if he cripples or kills someone, no money for them. If your children suffer life changing injuries, no money for their care. If he writes off or damages someone else's car, no money for them.

If you can't see how wrong and dangerous that is, you're as bad for thinking it's ok as he is for doing it.

The best parent in the world would need to be on their toes to look after 5 children under 7, including an 18 month old, for four nights a week yet you have been happy for this drunk drug-using criminal to look after them.

Now he has actually hit you in front of them, please say he will not have contact with them unless supervised any more.

If these children are home-educated, who do they have apart from you to care for them and to protect them? They do not have teachers or other professionals in their lives. From what you say, I am very concerned about their welfare.

I would be worried about anyone driving three hours with 5 young children in the car let alone a man with a drinking habit and no license or insurance.

If you are in a position to home-educate, you must be an intelligent person but I don't understand you.

I'm sorry you went through this and that your children saw this. Well done for getting them out of there and insisting that your 7yr old came with you.

If you're honest with yourself you'll find that you have probably burried your head in the sand about a lot of things, and I don't mean just the driving.

• He cheated on you whilst pregnant yet you had four more chn with him.
• Your childcare arrangement is terrible! Day time in one house then eve in other is madness. Did you not consider their need for stability when you arranged this?
• is your 18month old going back and forth too?
• home ed with 5 dcs ... Where do I start with that one? Especially if you don't have friends or family near by, who apart from you two do they get to see? Do you have previous teaching experience?
• if you're a sahm, couldn't you have been looking after them with dh seeing the at the weekend (that is before the incident).

I've no doubt that you love your children and are strong enough to keep them safe. Focus on giving them stability and leave that abusive drunk out of your lives.

WHERE does the OP says she home schools???

I spend a ton of time with my kids, they are home educated so we are together all the time.

See 12.34, Bacon.

Thankyou.

That's even more worrying - being in this ghastly bubble without the contact and comparitor of other mothers and children, let alone less safeguarding for the children.

OP what did he do to make you split up in the first place? And well done you for getting away to at least some extent! That can't have been easy.

Agreed. No doubt you would all judge me for 'allowing' my kids to stay with my exP when he is an alcoholic with serious anger issues. He is also very laissez faire with safety issues and drives like he thinks he is a F1 racer.

I have NO CHOICE over this. A court order has been made stating I MUST make them available for contact then, and that if I refuse, the judge will consider giving me ex full residence of them.

So I am damned whatever I do, until he serious hurts one of them or creates severe emotional damage than can be diagnosed as such by a professional. They don't want to go there but aren't yet of an age where their views will be taken into account. It is truly shit, and I strongly suspect they will hold it against me when they are older.

If there is a court order, then I'd agree that you'd have no choice.

But, if there isn't, then he can seek the court order himself. I'd facilitate reasonable contact within what I would deem safe for the children and show that I had the children's interests first at all times.

Lucy61 you DO NOT need to have previous teaching experience to home school. I home ed. I'm not a teacher.

Let's not bundle in without knowing the facts eh?