HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

I absolutely refuse to give any acknowledgment of any feelings towards the person I married. It will be like it never happened. That is my aim. I will achieve it in time. The man I married died a long time ago. The man in his body, who the hell is that?

The above is the main Project Izzie.

We, all of us, will be the last person standing in our own personal stories. Right will out, in the end

Stronger

Another anthem

I'm Still Standing

And to complete my mood, my favourite feel good

Dover Police

Morning all, I'm off to strut my stuff with the paintbrush

Morning all.

man, random man What a lovely thing to say about your ex wife. One of the things that comes over loud and clear here is that the other halves - be they male or female - are crazy to have let you lovely people go. Enjoy your travels drifted.

according such good news. It has really been heartwarming to read your happy posts. I've got my fingers crossed that you feel the same today. Don't panic if not. I think we all recognise that feelings now seem to come in waves.

iwas I'm with you in wishing for tidy teens and not ones for whom even the laundry basket is an unknown object in the corner if their rooms. I am beginning to believe that once the awfulness of having to admit my marriage and life as I knew it is over to friends, neighbours and - totally dreading it - our children, I think I will be happier. We watched a film last night and he insisted in closing all the curtains to shut out all the light. Likes the cinema atmosphere. It doesn't dawn on him to ask whether I want to sit in darkness - he did and so that's that. I know that's just a small issue but his life truly is all about him. He'd totally deny this and say everything he's ever achieved and worked for has been for us but what does the song say, "there's a man works down the chip shop swears he's Elvis, but he's a liar and I'm not sure about you."

The sex thing - so complicated in marriage it seems - and I'm not sure why. I found that sometimes I just wanted to cuddle -nothing more - but he was unable to just do that which meant I felt I couldn't initiate contact without it leading to sex and so I guess I stopped. He got grumpy about it and it became a real issue. God knows how many times I suggested counselling, wanted to discuss it, suggested things that might help but no. As with pretty much everything - his way or the highway.....well the highway it is for me.

bobs I knew you had lived with ex after marriage over but 2 years.....I take my hat off to you. Coming up to five months here and I'm struggling. I'm going to miss my home like crazy but also am beginning to plan future and look forward.

The prospect of loneliness in old age is not something I particularly want to dwell on. I guess ultimately, life is what we make it.

wise hope your son is ok. They (exes) are complete tossers the way they detach from their offspring the same way as they detach themselves from us. You sound like a fab mum though.

Feeling thoughtful today. I hope the ladies who haven't posted for a little while are all ok?

KOKO xx

Morning izzieisfabbypootoday

Loving the music x

The closing curtains because he wanted? I can do agree with that, my life was full of those moments.

Had a bad day yesterday but one that reinforced I'm doing the right thing. It's very different for me than most of you lovely ladies as I was the one to get him to leave. So I often have wobbles over whether I am doing the right thing.

Had to take my dog to the vets yesterday, she's quite unwell and needs meds, special food etc. it could well be a lifelong thing. I cried in the car on the way home, unfortunately DDs were with me. I was just so sad that I have nobody to discuss this kind of thing with, to share the responsibility. Later DD was on the phone to her dad and said the dog was ill, he just changed the subject. He really doesn't give a damn. And this was the very dog he wanted to take when he left because he loved her so much. He barely even strokes her these days.

Shows the kind of man he is.

I think you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats animals. My ex was often mean to the cats. I'm sorry to hear that your dog isn't well. Things like that are harder to cope with when you're already trying to cope with divorce or separation because that's enough for anyone to cope with all on its own.

I also instigated the separation and divorce. He already had an affair and hated me but he didn't want to separate and was utterly shocked that I should even consider it.

Yes mine hated my cats. Would often be very rough with them. The dog he professed to adore but never actually did anything for her.

All I keep thinking is how on earth will I afford special food for her. I know I will find the money but he is adamant he will only give me the minimum of child maintenance and my figures show I will barely get by on that. Of course as far as he's concerned that's my fault for wanting to divorce him......

+/morning ladies & drifted

I have been chuckling at your late night banter again - iwas the change in you is so great to see and izzie you are steaming lady

drifted - your words hit me - I have a thing for words especially when they come straight from the heart and yours often do - you would give me hope if I hadnt already met Mr SB - hope you enjoy your travels!

according great post about your daughters - its the simple things like this that can give us strength to keep going just one step more.

had a mixed day yesterday - kids birthday - at the moment its just another day to get through until all the "first days without X are done" - next year will be different - kids were also a bit subdued but had a nice meal out with them.

as for the X's so called plans with them and being out til late so couldnt bring them home - all lies and manipulation for what exactly - the only reason I can think of is to try and spoil it for me!

this thing about trust - did a lot of thinking on this and I came to the conclusion that I had to be able to trust again because otherwise I would be allowing the X,s behaviour to continue to have an impact on me. I beleive that being open and honest is the only way to be - yes it makes us vulnerable but this can also be a strength because we are not afraid of our true feelings. If someone wants to exploit this then that is their flaw and all our twunts have done this.

I have said before I am verging on the "spiritual nutter" and something I am interested in recently is the Law of Attraction - and from experience I can say there seems to be something in this - ie believe and you shall have!

I have a day of sol paperwork to do so expecting mixed feelings to be kicking about today

but weather is looking good - all those into their gardens enjoy

I have a new addition to our thread L.G.O ( Life Goes On) ladies - there's nothing we can do about this - take one small step at a time if we have to - but we can chose to make this a positive step - Disclaimer - I dont always practise what I preach but hope to get their eventually -

KOKO everyone xx

I miss him, but yes I miss the man I thought he was not the man he is. I am effectively still doing our life, the washing up the worrying about boys the garden while he has left. There is a gap here but I am not sure he is man enough to fill it. The first photos of the baby are going online. My mum was admiring the baby photos on youngest lads phone yesterday. They agreed he looked like my precious middle son. This shit is indeed hard.

Toast, it is just as hard for you. When it came to finally acknowledging what was going on to the boys after him being here for six months after telling me he was off. He sat in the bed and looked at me with tears in his eyes saying we don't have to do this. At that point I could not cope with any more so said yes we do. Was this my choice? No, I wanted a happy marriage. I was in love with him with every fibre of my being. But I said you have to go. I thought he would be back, that he would realise how much he loved me. It took years to believe that he didn't. Now he has a fantastic relationship with the woman he had an affair with six years ago. And a baby. I still sometimes fantasise he will want to come back. Am mad.

Perhaps this anniversary next month will be our last. 29 years married. I do know there will be no celebration.

This is what I'm am trying to achieve. It requires a huge amount of mental strength, but if I managed to survive the last number of years, I'm going to make damn sure I follow that saying. Because this is my life, my future.

I'm reading all posts but I'm not commenting on a lot of them because I'm struggling to contain my own feelings, as per my quote. I'm having to wear metaphorical blinkers today. But please be assured, those who are struggling, I do fully understand, and care

Why is there a weird flower today? Sorry, it looks like I'm a mean caah sending one instead of a bunch.

Morning ladies and man, if you're about.

I am celebrating an achievement this morning. I have lost 10lb in 5 weeks. Healthily. And that's the point. All through the marriage twunt was obsessed with my weight. Every hug he would be doing fat callipers with his fingers, testing my body. Always wanted to know how much I weighed, obsessed with appearance. Sometimes I was underweight, unable to eat because of stress and fear. Sometimes I was overweight, comfort eating because I was so unhappy. Exercising to the point of injury because he claimed to be an outdoor man and I had to be fit enough to fell walk as that was his thing.

Why I didn't develop an eating disorder I don't know.

So I decided to take control of this. I'd put on a stone carb craving while we went through the will he/won't he leave. I've used myfitnesspal to track what I eat and conquered my chocolate cravings. I exercise every day but instead of using the gym equipment he left, which bores me to tears. I go for very long walks with my dog and I garden. Lots of digging at the moment which is more of a workout than the gym stuff.

I'm outside hours everyday, which I've always loved. It feeds my soul. I see deer, goshawks, foxes, lizards, snakes, hen harriers, red polls, stone chats and more. The sun rising or the sun setting, moon and stars, clouds and storms. The wind rushing across the heat invigorates me. I walk the forest in darkness, amazed at how good my night vision is. I study trees and plants, listen to sky larks.

Outdoor man, ironically, has not been for one walk since he first moved out 6 months ago. But if I see him, he always asks if I've been exercising. Because "he cares".

I feel me, myself, more than I ever have in my adult life. And thinner too.

Here's some of my favourite photos I've taken in the last year. The very green one is the view from where I would sit under a tree wondering wtf was happening in my marriage.

Not great pictures, all taken on my phone. But the natural world has helped me stay sane. I used to think, at least I can still enjoy all this, even if he leaves. Actually I enjoy it more.

Izzie lilac flower explanation here

Rozalia well done, that's a great achievement and you did it your way. How do you conquer chocolate cravings? Your photos are lovely. Well done you. x

Good morning everyone, another lovely lazy morning here. On third cup of tea still in bed, got to go to a garden centre today, need gardening gloves but am sure to pick up other bits and bobs!

Feeling exactly the same as I did last night. There is definitely no future. Why on earth would I want to give up my current feeling of calm and peace to go back to dealing with his fucking oppressive moods, no sex, stonewalling and gas lighting, not just me but my two beautiful girls. No thanks.

1no re the getting old thing, I often ponder on that one. I'm 45 this year so plenty of life ahead of me I hope. I honestly don't think I will ever live with a man again. I'm thinking of travelling again in future once my youngest flies the nest, but then again my oldest fled the nest then came back, so maybe it will be us three until the end of my days, who knows. I can't think of better company though.

toast sorry about your dog x like you and home I was the one who chose to end things, I'm only three months in and have spent a lot of time reflecting on that decision but the feelings I have developed since I left, I feel more alive and content, this must be the right choice.

Thank you green my girls mean the world to me, to see them happy like that yesterday was overwhelmingly lovely. I'm sure they will be back to bickering as normal today though.

I too see some sense in the law of attraction, there's that saying isn't there, misery loves company. Mr MG and his oppressive moods would keep us all down all the time. I used to dread weekends the most. Now I'm free and happy and genuinely grateful to the higher powers for the strength to leave Things seem to be heading upwards for me (am always grateful for this too, not taking anything for granted)

Love that picture quote izzie it's very very true.

roz I love love love that description of you in your garden and what you see there, sounds like soup for the soul, beautiful. I'm glad to hear you are feeling more yourself.

iwas, just not eating it basically, until the cravings went. They really are strong cravings too, aren't they? I think if I started eating it again, I'd be craving it again too. I know no moderation when it comes to chocolate, if I have some I have to eat it. All.

It's a big part of my recovery from my marriage, re-educating my appetite. Being fit and healthy for me, not for a man. As well as hawkishly watching my weight, for some reason Twunt would also undermine my efforts. Some time last year I told him I was going cold turkey on chocolate, trying to get a grip on it. That very evening he came home via the supermarket having picked up 6 bars of green and blacks ( my particular weakness) , all different types. Happily spread them out on the table as if he'd done a great thing. I remember thinking " You are not my friend".

I expect it was a control thing. I'd made a unilateral decision about my health, tsk. Had to be put back in my place.

Great post as always Random Man I second being busy, it cuts down on the thinking time. It was one of the reasons I've started gardening. It's good being in the fresh air, keeps me occupied and gives me a sense of achievement.

We live on the outskirts of a village and it's rural at the other end of our lane. The lane can be a bit of a rat run but after dinner it's really peaceful and apart from the occasional car you just hear the birds tweeting and it's lovely.

Thank you for the songs Izzie

Roz what I love about your post is that it shows that happiness comes from within ourselves.

The sense of calm and peacefulness is how two divorced friends have described their new lives.

I glimpse that feeling within myself sometimes. It's what I visualised in a diary entry a few years ago. And it's what I'm working towards in everything I do.

Thank you for the lovely post.

Rozalia they are very strong cravings! How long did it take for the cravings to go? I've been trying to cut down recently but as you say if you have a bit you want more so think cutting it out might be the only way

I think you are right that it was a control thing with your ex. Bringing you lots of chocolate the day you tell him you're going cold turkey on it. I am so pleased you are managing to do this for yourself now. You always post so eloquently.

It's a turning point, isn't Izzie when you realise that? Never put your happiness in someone else's hands. They can be remarkably careless with it.