HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Not sure its wise to admit this on here amongst all you gin drinkers but I can't drink gin it has a very odd effect on me and none of it good. Hobbit can you think of something else to put in my Tabbytini? Bear with on the PMs I may be a bit distracted this evening.

Yeah, gin has that effect on me too tabbymy darling, it gives me blurred vision, terrible headaches and I can't stand on my own two feet.....

Wait, that's not an allergic reaction... That's called being pissed!

Ha ha, my lovely clever cat, we'll put vodka or Bacardi in it instead...

Just for you...

Bobs you going to be a LIP then? Good for you. MrsC is a whizz at the form filling side of things. I'm better at pissing off the other side...

Gin has a terrible effect on me too. It stops me spelling and everyfink.

Tabby do whatever it is you need to do to unwind. There's no feeling like a final hearing being over: it's chaos, manic, and you're bouncing off the walls with adrenaline still...

at pissing off the other side WWK Still don't know - still waiting for sol to get back to me. Grief we're bending over backwards for SF Have spent the day reading up on stuff and formulated what I want him to say to SF's solicitor, pretty well finishing with me de-instructing (looky, I got that one form you!) my sol and being a LIP.

Another thread, nearly done?

We do go on don't we

hobbit I cant drink gin, whatever mood I start the night off in I always, ALWAYS end up in a snotty mess at the end of it if gin has been involved. It must mess with my DNA somehow

Brilliant news Tabby !! I would sooo like to see someone eventually wipe the condescending look off MAR's face and tell him what a manipulative bastard he was for 23 years.

Bobs I wish you could get yours sorted. I'm very panicky about having this to come, yet on the other hand, as he got us into so much debt the only thing to settle is try my damnedest to get lifetime spousal and if it's possible to get more than half his pension, then that too and not when I'm 55 but sooner given that I had to be medically retired because of my brain tumour and had my small work pension paid early to me. I've seen on wikivorce that someone else managed this so hoping same happens with me.
Just wondering if anyone else may have heard of this ?
wwk I will check if the book is on kindle although I'll probably be cursing if word I read, lol

Evening all. tabby wow!

That's such brilliant news. Perhaps judges aren't being as hard on us ladies as some -ie HRT- would have us believe.

Life not particularly great in 1's world. I hope that one day it might be at least ok again. I don't expect to feel happy all the time but I'm pretty tired of feeling like this I guess we all are. HRT pretty agitated about everything. I Guess it's just the stress of D day approaching. He's now going on endlessly about not wanting to stay here either - doesn't want to be alone etc etc. Everything I say is wrong and so I say nothing. If I say nothing, I'm being hostile. Funny I should be hostile as I'm losing my marriage and my home shortly.....Hey ho. He's upset that I'm doing less and less around the house too. He's away much less seemingly at the moment. Just one night this week unfortunately. Not much to be done except endure I guess. This bloody weather doesn't help. I'm frozen.

bobs the whole settlement thing seems to taking an age for you. Must be so hard. I'm impatient to get things sorted and it's not 6 months yet since his announcement. I keep thinking that this time next year things will be better.

Anyway, have a good evening all. Will be back later no doubt.xx

Congrats Tabby...another good result! Well done :-).

Was it 2little who asked if I was pregnant when ex left? No, I wasn't, son was 2 1/2, however, it appears he has had many affairs during our relationship and also during my pregnancy. By his own admission via text and I quote "only two affairs, think on". It makes me want to vomit. However, he has admitted to an affair with OW approx 8 years ago, during which I had a miscarriage. I do wish he'd left then, I had a good job, a small-ish mortgage, DD and I would have been fine. To leave me like this though...beyond belief.

There has been a development today. Am quite angry at the moment so am taking my own advice and stepping back until later on when I may report.

Green, I still cannot believe your husband left you while you were being treated for BC...what a callous bastard. Funnily enough, in the August before my H left, I had a second breast cancer scare and was referred to the breast clinic. He didn't want to come, citing childcare, although neighbour had offered to have DS. So, off I went, on my own, terrified. Luckily, it is a one-stop-shop and I was given the all clear the same day. However, when I got back, hoping for comfort and cuddles, he disappeared. My neighbour said "where's he gone all dressed up", he hadn't told me, hadn't said goodbye or anything. I later found out it was OW's birthday. They have denied it of course. However, it does make my stomach turn. I don't suppose I will ever know because he was also seeing somebody else at that time (description of that OW was the total opposite of current OW) but you really have to be a certain type of arsehole to do something like that when your wife has been through such a hideous ordeal.

Anyway, off to bath DS, fingers crossed for me please...I need him to have a normal bedtime tonight, poor little man, too much to cope with.

Here's a toast to you tabby with your very own cocktail......
The Tabbytini .... One of many at the bar tonight to celebrate....

I'll go with the vodka Hobbit already been invited up the road for wine and staggered back with a bottle for later with more visitors. Now attempting to cook pizzas how hard can it be?

Hi everyone just been reading through you are all such brave and strong ladies how do u all cope so well? I am really struggling as been ill with flu but obv still have to do school run make dinner etc its so hard with no help. And what makes me feel doubly shit is that exh has fucked off to Portugal on holiday with ow and his illegitimate child and is delaying form e again. I would love to go holiday desperate for it its impossible kids used to beg him to take us never happened and now he is always off while i struggle with everything

I know i shouldn't monopolise the thread but I just don't know where to turn no one else gets it doesn't help at school one of the mums went to LA over half term with a friend and her husband took week off to look after kids its small of me but i felt consumed with jealousy

I hate all the smug marrieds who have support comfort and intimacy and moan about petty things makes me feel like screaming

I can't handle being single was with hin since 18 for 20 years and now feel old past it and shite and like I will be alone forever esp as he always makes digs at me. He always said i was fat and ugly and too fat to fuck etc and now its like who will go out with you with two kids nearly 40 blah blah

I just don't know how to cope at times

Apologies for the rant but i have literally no one no family v few friends the isolation and loneliness esp evening time its unbearable. If i didn't have to try stick it out for kids i don't think I would be here

You're right WWK and straight after my legs went to jelly. Even more jellified now.

That's a shocking story mrsc , one of many I'm sure, it just shows the callous nature of the man.

Have a great evening, tabby my love, x

Yummy please don't apologise my lovely, this is what this thread is for. I am sorry you feel so poorly, it is normal to do so I think, the stress of everything. I was very ill with one thing after another for a long time, just be kind to yourself, try and eat a bit, plenty of water. That's all I can advise. I get what you mean about seeing other people seemingly happy and in families, it's hard, it really is. I still find that hard now, however, I haven't let it stop me and try and do as much as possible and also lots of "Dad" things with my youngest..have had some lovely experiences all from being brave and trying things out! Give it a go. Also, remember that every family has its' own issues and it's not all happy happy 24/7.

It really is very hard to embrace singledom when you have been part of a couple for such a long time. For me, it has been a revelation to accept that actually I was probably never part of a "couple" in the truest sense because my ex was an unfaithful twat. My perception of that relationship was skewed. Accepting that has afforded me some freedom. Don't take a blind bit of notice of his ridiculous assessment of your ability to have future relationships. It's utter nonsense. I have had a lot of fun since he left, I admit I can't commit to anything (huge trust issues) and really don't want to, but I have been seeing somebody for quite a long time now on my terms and it suits me. I have become a regular Mrs Robinson it seems (he's a decade younger). However, it will be a long time before I am prepared to consider anything more than that or indeed involve my children. It will happen for you but giving yourself time for recovery is the best thing you can do. I recommend counselling (see your GP for a referral), that saved me, it really did. I promise you it will get better, it really will.

I've said it before, it just makes me so very sad reading these stories. If only these people realised just how much damage they do. It steals your soul, it really does.

I think we would all like to see our twunt's get their come-uppance, but other than some some of Karma event, the only way that is going to happen is if we go through court and it goes to a Final Hearing. This is only only time that we have someone else (a judge) decide for once and all what is fair and equitable.

Everything else is just down to negotiating - or not - and sometimes, especially if your twunt is of the unreasonable ilk, you have to settle for less, just to get it sorted, and to avoid the potential court costs.

1 I wouldn't be surprised if he suggest that you sell the house. You should then be prepared to negotiate on what happens until it sells - ie he continues to pay what he is currently paying, but moves out. I actually thing from the DC perspective that this would be a good thing. It gives them time to adapt to the separation while still in familiar surroundings.

MrsC so feel for your DS being caught in the crossfire. Let's hope you can get him settled - then you can relax a bit

Hobbit great Tabbytini (how many people can say they have a cocktail named after them?) Am thinking MrsC needs one too

"attempting to cook pizzas how hard can it be" Well I reheated bolognese earlier for DD2 and burnt it - proper stuck to the bottom stuff with big black bits

yummy yes I would like a holiday too - i dream of going away somewhere all-inclusive with DDs - really hot, nice pool, good nightlife, on tap coffee in the morning, followed by alcohol for the rest of the day

You are in no way monopolising the thread - we all get as much rant time as we want - Hobbit's generous that way I don't have much in the way of family and few friends. I have been getting back in contact with old friends online which has been nice. Wise has made inroads into making new friends. As for what he said - well that's just his words isn't it? And as we all know on here, just coz they say it doesn't make it true!

Tee Hee MrsCrobinson

Trying to fill fill this thread up - thinking you've all buggered off to the next thread without me. Hate unfinished business!!!!!!!!

For Tabby Apologies to Jess

This one's for MrsC

Oh dear out of pic allowance...

Part 10 here

Yay my very own Jessogram but what on earth is she holding?

The