HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

iwas, for me definitely. I could never manage a few squares. After Kraft destroyed Cadbury chocolate I turned to green and blacks. Only they are much bigger bars. So I'd buy one thinking I'd eat some today and some tomorrow. But I never did, it would all be eaten on day one.
One thing that helped was knowing how much physical work equalled the calories in a chocolate bar. That can certainly quell the cravings. But basically cold turkey is the only way for me.
By the end of week one the cravings had dulled to a muted roar. By the end of week two they'd gone.

1 the laundry basket is an unknown object for my two as well. I dreaded telling everyone and put it of as long as possible as I found it humiliating people knowing my husband had been unfaithful to me but once you have dealt with the initial upset and adjusted to the change you will be happier.

I was exactly the same with sex and having a cuddle. Sid would always get ideas if I initiated a cuddle so it was easier not to in the end even though I would have liked that.

Toast sorry you had a bad day yesterday but it does help if it reinforces your decision. I chose to leave too. I hope your dog is okay.

Home I thought the same about telling a lot about a person by how they are with animals. But Sid was and still is an absolutely softy with our dog. He used to sleep on the sofa with our dog when there was a storm so he could calm him down because he hates storms (the dog that is). I always used to think he was lovely when he did that.

roz great post - happiness does come from within

I am struggling today - keep blubbing -blubbing on the way home from meal out with kids - blubbing just now reading some paperwork - why? why? why?

I am questioning my feelings - I loved him - i know that - do I still love him? can I love someone that has treated me so appallingly and continues to do so -who wants to destroy me! the logical answer to this has to be no - so why do I feel like I do. I have found someone that makes everything easy - I keep expecting him to behave as the x did but he doesn't - just continual support & understanding - can anyone put some light on this - i guess its just another stage of the process until it is no more - countdown to first court date and stress building!

SHIT THIS IS STILL BLOODY HARD!

Rozalia "Never put your happiness in someone else's hands. They can be remarkably careless with it." So very true.

I agree about Kraft destroying Cadburys. Dairy Milk used to be my favourite but I probably have Galaxy more now. I had a big bar of it last night while I was on here and picked it up to put it in the cupboard when I went to go to bed and realised I'd eaten the entire big bar in one sitting. Thank you for letting me know about the gravings, that's very useful to know. When I've finished my supplies I might try cold turkey.

I just like milk chocolate, none of this fancy stuff so if I buy the children stuff I don't like I can avoid having chocolate in the cupboard that I want.

I did diet a few years ago and I agree it is scary how long it takes to burn off those calories. I think there's over 80 calories in one chocolate biscuit!

I so agree with you about being out in the countryside. When you see all the beautiful countryside and animals and birds and the peace and tranquillity you feel it's so hard to equate it with all the things going on in your head caused by the twunts. It feels like a different world being out there.

I've gone for a daily (usually) walk for years but I stopped for a while when all the shit was happening. I went back to my walks a few months ago and it has made a difference to my sense of wellbeing.

Green it's in my back story that I met someone else after I left my husband all those years ago. The man I met was totally supportive and understanding and he adored me. Everyone always used to say that he didn't have a bad bone in his body. That was so true. He had been through a lot in his life, some truly horrendous things, but he was always dignified where many people would have been screwed up and angry. But I still left him. He was a port in a storm, in hindsight. He will always hold a very special place in my heart, but he wasn't my husband, the one I really wanted. In hindsight, he was also probably the person my husband used to be.

To conclude that story, we parted as friends. We had some text contact a few years later, had closure. He's happy with someone else now, and I'm really pleased for him. I would never contact him to let him know my marriage has ended, as he would be upset for me. It's best that he thinks I'm happy.

Green yes I've done a bit of FB stalkery on his gf. He doesn't really do it

Thank you Green I like the change in me too. Pleased you had a nice meal out with your kids.

I am so sorry you are struggling today. You can't just switch your feelings off. I think with everything that Sid has done I should hate him, but I hate what he has done but I don't hate him. All logic tells me I should hate him but feelings have no logic and are beyond your control.

I have accepted I can't control my feelings about Sid, I still love him and probably always will and wish like hell I didn't. There is too much history there and despite his long list of faults I was happy with him until I saw the other side of him.

I can't control my feelings but I can control my actions. Still having feelings for Sid doesn't ultimately mean anything as I don't want him back. I love the man who is the father of my children and I was happy with but I can't love a man who repeatedly cheated on me, lied to me throughout our entire relationship and who has been nasty and spiteful to me. So there are still a lot of conflicting thoughts.

Every single one of us can look at everybody else's situation objectively but not our own and that is entirely down to our feelings. You love the man you married and who fathered your children. Don't agonise about your feelings. Feelings and emotions are what makes you alive. You have lots to look forward to and what you do feel for your husband, despite it making no sense to you, is not holding you back in embracing life.

I still love Sid but so what. It is not negatively affecting my life so I am not turning it into a problem. KOKO sweetheart, you're doing just fine xx

Green I suppose what I'm saying to you is that, despite meeting someone else, you still have to work through your feelings for the ex. Whatever those feelings may be towards either men

The lesson I learned from my experience was that I would never never never get involved with someone newly out of their marriage. It's too easy to get your fingers burnt

Right, enough naval gazing, I'm off painting again

FuckIt oh sweetheart that must be hard with the baby photos and being compared to your son too. Your post made me well up. I am so sorry that things didn't work out the way you wanted. xx

Izzie that quote, I admire your strength in aiming to achieve that. I'd be very surprised if I don't stay single and a lot of that is because of what Sid has done. But I also have found that it's easier living without a man, I like pleasing myself and not having to fit everything around him.

Please don't feel you need to explain not commentating on a lot of posts. Everyone knows you understand and care. x

Are you having a new name every day?

Me great you feel the same today. There's a lot to be said for calm and peace. I know a lot of people don't understand why I am being civil with Sid but while we have to work together it is just so much easier. I get peace rather than all the shit that went before and peace is so important to me.

Enjoy your gardening today. x

Struggling to get moving this morning, I managed to get dd up and dressed and she's gone out with my MIL and her cousins to see a parade through town. I'm supposed to be ready to pick her up when they've done to go shopping, can't get off the sofa. My excuse if that the dog is snuggled up at the side of me napping and I don't want to wake him :)

I want to spend the last of my insurance pay out money today, so it's becomes part of my personal jewellery rather than an asset up for grabs if you see what I mean.

I'm hoping to use it to upgrade my watch. It's a gift card unfortunately so has to be spent at a particular jewellers, if it was cash I've got more pressing things to spend it on. The watch was a gift from H, so it'll probably annoy him if he notices, I'm not doing it for that reason, it just seems like a reasonable thing to spend the money on. If they won't give me a reasonable trade in for my current watch I'll have to find something else to buy. It's a bit of a "my diamond shoes are too tight" problem :)

Hello my lovelies, have read through all the posts and i agree it is hard to switch off your feelings some days.
But then I think of the lies and manipulation of the past year, him watching my disintegration and distress through his pursuit of her, and my heart hardens and those rose tinted specs fall smashed to the ground, I must admit, I hate the twunt with a passion.

Anyhoo, that's enough bitterness and resentment from North Wales for now, here's our lovely mascot today, with some lilac from the garden to support the Alzeimers foundation, a terrible disease that I'm lucky not to have any experience of yet in our family.

Loving your pics Roz they are beautiful, KOKO all, xx

Some lovely posts. roz you sound as if you are doing so well. It's lovely reading about the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

green it is a mystery to me how I/we can miss and at times still feel love for them. I think that probably I'm confusing the person I fell in love with and the overwhelming desire to keep my family together as love for HRT. I know that over the years I would definitely have left it wasn't for the children. I'm worried that in my case it might be a matter of can't live with, can't live without him. The kids have been asking about hols. I can't imagine going without him but other than last year, holidays have been quite stressful with HRT for one reason or another. So, why aren't I thanking my lucky stars that he won't be coming this year - assuming there's any cash to go of course....

I've just heard him chatting to DS1 on phone - being supportive about exams. At this very moment I feel love for him - ludicrously grateful that he's shown love and support to his son. It's pathetic. I 'parent' day in and day out, he does it once in a blue moon and I'm overcome with emotion. Pathetically grateful. I know it's ridiculous but hey ho.

izzie you are literally a whirlwind with the paint brush. I'm being lazy. Lost all motivation to do things in the house. I guess that's good. I'm detaching from it.

H has suggested pub lunch with DS2. He carries on and on about being bloody friends. The thing is, for DC, I'd like to be able to but every time he says the word 'friends' with that condescending tone and pity in his eyes, I want to poke his eyes out. Perhaps best avoid lunch!

iwas I like the idea of being able to accept we probably do love them on one level but being able to 'box' that feeling and not worry about it. It is what it is, accept it and move on kind of thing. Easier said than done but I'm going to give it a damn good go. Sink or swim. L.G.O.

Hobbit I'm with you on that! And fortunately you're off to the opticians. Here are some which would get you noticed.

Alzheimer's, yes thinking of anyone who has experienced dementia, whatever the cause.

iwas Izzie can never have enough name changes. Go on, why don't you do a few. For example iwasachocolatesnufflerandnowimnothappyatall

Going to work now, < Boo! >
Will leave you with some pics of our lovely girl to make you smile....

1 friends support, respect, look after each other. That's just for starters. When I want a friend to do the total opposite, I will call the ex.

Catch you later Hobs. Come on Jess, let's get this painting done

Oooohhh.... They is lovely, izzbob , do you think they will suit me?
Who am I kidding, of course they will, I look a bit like Dame Edna anyway, only smaller obvs, and without the purple hair....
to everyone today, xx

thanks ladies - i guess there are always going to be some "feelings" there but over time they will have less of an emotional impact. I guess i need to accept I loved him - he is father to my kids as you say iwas - and I gave him a second chance but it wasnt to be - there were issues in the marriage which I would have been prepared to work through but he wasn't - however there is no excuse for how he has treated me since - end of story and its not going to be over until I have some sort of closure and can truly move on.

izzie - personal question for you which you do not have to answer but if this guy had been free would you have got in contact?

Love that lovely dog X Her face is so pretty even although it is saying " will you PLEASE stop!"

Am snowed under with laundry which has emerged today ( from son) when it could have been done yesterday and dry by now ..still...who cares.... he is cheerier today - is off involved in his sporting thing - while I attend the washing machine. He will be away again tomorrow so need to make the most of it.

Morning all, lots going on, isn't there?

Bobs congrats on the thread. Wonder if we can put this on our CVs - Managed a bar full of drunken lunatics!

Izzandtherest I'm giggling at all the name changing! I would like to see Iwas find a more positive name now I sense more positivity from her.

Things I don't miss about MrSW:

The farting. Oh my God could that man fart. The belching. The gobbing stuff out of the car window. The selfishness. His woe is me - really he has an amazing life. His cowardice. His lies. His inability to see anything other than his point of view (which became more and more cantankerous as he got older). His short fuse. His sensitivity. His royal moodiness. oh God this is cathartic, his snoring. His stupid temper tantrums. Being shouted at - sometimes daily, sometimes many times a day. His driving. His supposed 'jokes' which were just nasty put downs. His inability to make friends with people. Him needing to go to the toilet just as I was serving dinner. Him believing that when he cooked it was worthy of Gordon Ramsey and told me to tell him how good it was every mouthful throughout the meal (it was okay but not worthy of GR). That he could never think of things he wanted to do, but would criticise any suggestions I made. Have I mentioned his whining? God he could whine. He telling the same stories of how he scored the winning goal in some boring game of footie (just a few friends knocking a ball around - nothing remotely leaguish). His obsession with drinking. His inability to play card or board games. The way he interrupted if I started telling an anecdote and finished it for me. Blaming anyone and everyone for anything and everything. Anything and everything could be misconstrued into a personal attack. Right I'm going to stop now. And yes, this is a personal attack on the man, make no miscruance (?!?!?) about it!

Green They get nastier and nastier the closer you get to court. And those conflicted feelings are really normal - of course you still have feelings of love (they are a habit like any other) because there ARE things that a lovable about them, after all we did marry them in the first place, it's just that there's also this awful side to them, that they choose to bring to the fore. He could choose to be a decent man, but he doesn't. He's choosing to show his 'nice' side to OW for now...but he's who he is, and will revert back to type once he gets comfortable with her. Keep going - this shit is stressful.

Home if you need to ring, I'm still around.

Wise yeah, any contact with them really does make all of us sad - because they will never respond in a way that is acceptable. If your STBXH was a decent man, he wouldn't need you to explain in simple terms that your son needs his love and attention.

Lovely pictures Roz

Right off to "wurk".

Green I'm happy to answer that. No I wouldn't have got in contact.

WWK can you arrange a date for me?