HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

To be honest when my phone makes the noise that means a message from him I think "what fresh hell is this" but I'm not too bad with that as it's remote and I can ignore it for a while if I want to, it's the face to face stuff that gets me because I can see the look on his face and mostly it's a face he's putting on to cover up what he's really feeling and thinking, overly chirpy or smug as a front. Annoys the hell out of me.

And then I'm annoyed because it's bothered me.

Welcome, broken74 sorry you need to be here, what are your plans now?
Are you going to return to your family and friends to give you some real life support ?

Welcome broken, you sound like you're left with a lot of unanswered questions the same as all of us really.

Brave - that's totally it, and up until he cut contact it was anyone's guess how he would behave at contact, nice as pie or evil and callous and abusive. We were actually singing and playing with dd together the previous weekend even though I was due to go outsourcing his contact he asked me to stay!!
I think his life is simple now, his job and only one person to please OW. I always thought he had morals or a conscience but it's clear he doesn't so I'm pretty sure he's not crying over missing her. She's been great today despite the pox. Helped with the cream and joyfully said goodnight as I shut her door. I'm glad I'm the parent who stayed, who did the right thing, who will raise her and love her and show her that she deserves much much more than this! When her sibling arrives we shall be the 3 musketeers!!
Anyone who's been a single parent to 2, am I literally nuts to contemplate continuing my open uni degree part time whilst on my own with little family support?! I feel like it was my only thing for me as such and also the plan is to teach and be around for the children as much as possible as well as being able to support them with a stable career.

2little It's me and dd against the world now, like you are your dd, we're very close and getting even closer, it's a comfort to have each other and to give her that stability.

I've contemplated restarting my masters, I gave up after the first stage a while ago, but I think that now I only have me and dd to think about and work around I might manage it, you may find the same. Are you working at the moment or would you just have the dc to look after and the degree to do, not that looking after 2 small dc and doing a part time degree isn't a massive commitment, but if you're trying to fit in a job as well that's even tougher.

Thought I might restart my masters once dd has settled into secondary school, then maybe I can do my course work while she's doing her homework, haven't decided yet, but it would improve my promotion prospects.

Yes, I totally understand that braving
During mediation I sat at the side of him because I couldn't even look him in the face, he disgusts me so much. He is such a coward he can't look me in the eye anyway , but is certainly able to still boil my piss with his inane remarks and callous comments.

He can't look his sons in the face either, and avoids coming to the house at all costs now. Jess is in fact a complete traitor and still gives him a warm welcome, I don't know how he feels about that, I'm never here to see it.
Bf has got cats, < nothing against cats, just bitch face>

I'm not working so it would be looking after dd who's 3 in December. She does 2 pms and one full day at nursery and then a newborn due in September too. I deferred in March so have to pick up again in March 2016 to save my grades from this year. I was doing well and enjoying it. I managed on my own mostly to do 39 credits when dd was born as he left then too - what an idiot I am for thinking he wouldn't do it again and believing it was his biggest mistake ever. Leopards and spots?!

Hobbit He must know dd doesn't even really want to see him, the only one who looked pleased to see him tonight was the dog and he had it thrown in his face, twat.

I've decided if his pension info comes this week I'm not going to tell him, just put it into his post pile, there's no reason for him to get in touch while dd is away so I can have a few days of total no contact, hopefully.

2little My advice would be to carry on, it'll be hard but it'll be worth it in the long run and it's a great example to set for your dd. From experience I'd say make the most of the support you get from OU and don't be afraid to ask for extensions to deadlines and anything else you need, don't be brave ask for help.

Thanks for the welcome. I'm not sure Hobbit, the job, while not being that fun, isn't terrible and has good prospects and this girl is like my soul mate so I like to think we could still be friends. I'm not sure if that's me just holding out for her to change her mind though. I can't see how you go from planning the rest of your life together to saying that we can only be friends inside 3 weeks.

At the moment though I'm just treading water, can't concentrate on anything and finding it difficult to know where to turn - my head is all over the place. I'm worried I won't be able to afford a place on my own now, I need to start saving for a depost. Add to that being in an area where I don't know anyone, it just feels really lonely.

broken I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you a man?

We have men in the bar, so it's not a problem, just helpful for perspective if we're offering advice.

Please feel free to tell me to bugger off :)

Some wise words from our mascot.... My prince certainly turned into a big fat toad.....

hahahahahahahahahaha God I just love that Jess!! Bless her....

braving it would be great for you to continue with your Masters when your daughter - I did an online PG after my son went to Uni..took me many more hours than what to was supposed to be..maybe I should do something else like that now..just for the fun of it.....

RMA

The OW has tits
The OM has dangly bits
I will not be blunt
And use the word c**t
To describe these utter shits.

Welcome Broken74. We are a good bunch. Let it all out & see it does get better slowly.

KOKO xxx.

Wise The OU does some really interesting modules, if you're doing it for fun rather than to build to a qualification you can do some really off the wall stuff.

I need to check if work would help me to fund my masters, I couldn't manage it on my own, last time they shared the cost, but they paid the university up front and took my share from my pay monthly.

drifted you is funny, I don't think you should give up your day job for a stab at Poet Laureate though,

Evening all - a busy day in the bar but nice to see some old faces back in town and welcome broken. Sorry you find yourself here but you will find honesty, humour, great advice and support in equal measure.

hobbit what would we do without you - and Jess of course.

It's like the middle of winter again here - I put the heating on - much to HRT's annoyance. I told him I was using up my half of the oil.

I'm yet again tackling paperwork and so can't stop for long - just a swift half for me tonight.

2little definitely carry on. I did some OU modules when mine were very tiny to keep my brain active. I thoroughly enjoyed and used to settle down to my books in the evenings when HRT was away and DC's in bed. Be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself though.

Well I'm off. KOKO all xx

braving yeah think just for fun - too old to waste time now on occupational qualifications - sol said the other day that I was unlikely to get a job after so many years out of the market and my age...

for JESS

Thank you all. I shall take your advice and carry on after baby is born!
Thinking of keeping to 30 credits a year to keep it manageable until eldest is in school and youngest at pre school then do more.
Feel odd tonight, friend asked if I'd thought of names yet, don't know what I'm having so I haven't, thought I'd enjoy the right to choose a name myself but I just feel sad. The birth of your child and all those firsts are so special, his relationship may or may not last but his children are here forever, how can he walk away from that for what - at the moment - is a cheap thrill?! God when I think of the text messages it makes me want to vomit but all so text book, everything he sent to me in the early days. Pathetic!
How does anyone in his office have any respect for him? Knowing he left his toddler and pregnant partner and is now shagging the office receptionist - what a man!!

Wise Bit rude of your solicitor.

2little I'm sure they've been judged and found to be scum. We'd rip them to shreds where I work.

Hiya all, have been lurking as always, never feel I have anything to add that I could possibly articulate better than anyone already has (if that makes sense?) but you lovely ladies (and random gent) are always in my thoughts and I am always lurking.

I've been glad to have zero fuckwittery recently, its been lovely. However I KNEW it wouldn't last. Nice things just cant can they? Meh!

So, he wants to mess with the contact we have set up. Its early days. "Madam who shall be obeyed" ie; my nearly 12 year old has already kicked off about going to his the last weekend as she didn't want to.

I made her go, saying she would have fun. She came back and reported she had had fun. I knew she would. She is just a typical lazy ass pre-teen. There are no issues as I have spoken to her about it at length.

He wants to mess the schedule about because he wants to have her on "fathers day"

I am like [hmmm]

You were not exactly the father of the year when we lived with you, why?

I have messaged him back stating "its not a problem for me but contact is to suit my daughters needs and not yours. I will ask her"

Now bearing in mind she didn't even want to go to his last weekend, she is a creature of habit/routine (Aspie) I don't think she is going to go for this anyway. Why? really why? why should we change things just to suit his "need" to play step daddy of the year on facebook?

I think IABU but I am not sure.

He told me a while back that no one he's spoken to thinks he's doing the wrong thing!!! This leads me to believe that they were either totally speechless or he told them a good pack of lies! Moron