HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Hi'mrsc, nice to hear from you. I'm sorry your little one is unsettled, it's impossible to understand how this pathetic man can treat his family so badly.
I don't know how he can live with himself < and ow >

Hello Hobbit....excuse me for ranting, it's been a long day...and appears it will be a long night. Bloody insomnia has plagued me for the last (nearly) two years...so tired of being tired. This divorce stuff really does completely screw you up in every way possible doesn't it? No, I don't know how they live with themselves either. Entitled and without any self awareness whatsoever I guess!

Anyway, hope you're OK my lovely?

Yeah I don't sleep too well either, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving isn't it?
I'm ok, my lovely, nearly at the end now, just got to get the consent order done and ratified and then I can apply for my absolute.

Still feels like a nightmare some days...
Can't believe he'd do that to us, he really was the last person I ever thought would act in this way, just goes to show you can never really know someone, even when you've spent more than half your life with them...

Bloody hell fire...this thread has moved on loads since I last popped my head in to make sure all and sundry were behaving themselves!

I have just finished "wurk" so going to have a catch up...

Firstly, thank you to Gettingtherenow for writing something motivational and uplifting. When times are hard, as it is for so many on this thread, and the court cases/mediation/fuckwittery seems ever ending, it's nice to have someone remind us 'this ends' and you get your self-respect, your self-esteem and your individuality back. Well done you.

Green it's a phenomena we've all observed that fuckwittery goes on the rampage when you get close to court hearings (as if it isn't bad enough the rest of the time...). However, so much of it is designed to put the frighteners on us (you) and actually when they go in front of a judge, they suddenly decide there might be a need to behave themselves. Him paying dividends late...and you're heading into court? An opportunity to get him to agree fixed periodical payments, no? Mr SW paid his last maintenance payment two days before the second final hearing...I guess he was hoping not to pay it at all until he received a strongly worded email and a threat to put it in front of the judge...

I think what I can always point to (because it happened in real time) is the 17 emails in a night...where apparently all sorts was threatened (I only read he was taking me to court...yeah? the same court we were due in anyway?) and finding it hilariously funny (fuelled by wine) which sort of shows me just how far I came from the early panicking 'he says' days.

I look back now, and I also listen to others' similar experiences, and I realise that a lot of their fuckwittery is because they are scared. I mean, really scared, so they try to bully their way out. But standing up to that (or at the very least, withstanding it) helps us get our self-esteem back. You've come so far already with your health issues, you'll survive this too. KOKO.

Iget I'm so pleased that EWO was aware and genuinely concerned. Most of the women I've had contact with, if they chat to CAHMS/SS/other agencies with an open mind and accept their help, it is really beneficial. It's really tough being the parent left behind, not only having to cope with your (our) own unpredictable emotions, but also that of a child. And we all know the teenage years are unpredictable in the absence of divorce, so your situation is incredibly compounded. The first step is asking for help, the second step is accepting it. He can't run the show if you're slowing walking away.

As an aside, have you bought Lundy's Bancroft's book on abusive men? It's very different from the WA approach, but all the same, enlightening. I didn't agree with everything, but it did help me understand the fuckwittery a lot more. He does go into great lengths about abusive men doing more damage to the children after separation than before.

Braving him ignoring the dog? Symptomatic as to how cold and easy it is for him to switch off. Something not right about that.

2little as hard as you're going to find it - don't defer the degree. A part time degree needs around 8 hours per week. 1.5 hours on an evening, five days a week, is doable. Or two blocks of four house - ditto. But if you're little one is 3, then by the time she's well in to primary school, you could be starting a graduate programme...and wowsers - off you go. I know PT degree study is long and hard (I may have done more than one [bush]) that sense of purpose of adulthood is so important. It's an investment in you - and you deserve to invest in yourself.

Braving ditto - re-start your masters. Nothing makes you feel more like a grown up than learning shit. Honestly.

what you sound so much more focused! Go you! I also like the fact you've realised you've married a twunt, and whilst you're a long way from the Mecca of Meh (your words) you're more 'meh' about him. Big step.

Broken74, welcome to our thread, and again, I'm sorry that you have to join us. So you've been socially isolated to support her and then she's gone off with someone else? Now when you're at your lowest ebb and need a support network, of course, you're socially isolated. That makes it really tough for you. Is there anyway to relocate back to where your support network is? Or do you feel too 'ashamed/like it's admitting failure' to return? I'm with Drifted in that if they cheat, they are shits. It takes time to accept that, but the 'soul-mate ideology' was comprised of the things we liked/loved about them. Their values are what we hate. Their values totally mismatch ours.

Bloody hell, According you've found your assertiveness gene. Quite right too. You have a daughter with Asperger's? I'm no expert, but from what I've learnt from MrsC and Hobbit (thank you very much both of you for your patience and understanding when educating little old moi) is how important routines and predictability are. So, yes, you're right - contact is about her, not him. She needs time with her father - but she doesn't need it to be inconsistent/on a whim. Well done you for making sure she comes first.

....

When does the sleep resume? I mean I'm out of divorce and all that hell, and I still barely get six hours a night. I mean, fuck me, I'm unemployed, unencumbered and underachieving...I should at least have a sleep pattern that reflects that? no? I want my teenager years back!

Wwk - just woken up from my 6 hours. How is it possible to be awake with a sleeping toddler at 34 weeks pregnant when I could be asleep?!
I deferred the degree for a year back when this began in February but I will pick it up again next year although its 25 hours a week I'm supposed to study which is fairly tricky to squeeze in at times, that's why when I've completed next year I'll drop to 30 credits which is 8-10 I think and more manageable.
Mrs C - were you pregnant when your ex left? You don't have to answer if you don't want to but what happened with the birth and early days in terms of exs involvement?

I am half expecting contact from mediation service and half expecting a pathetic email from him in about a months time when the novelty of spending every waking second with OW has warn off! I want to be able to say no to contact, not out of spite but because our dd is genuinely happier and more settled and less emotional since stopping and him coming back for contact will just confuse her all over again and I end up picking up the pieces. When he left it was so hard not to be angry or spiteful but I wasn't, I was actually nice to him to the point where he'd ask why I don't hate him! I did it for dd and I tried because I wanted them to have a relationship, but this is the 3rd time he's walked away from that now and broken a contact agreement we both made and signed! God I wish we could just vanish to somewhere remote sometimes.

Thanks for your comments bobs and wwk you are both right, of course my daughter comes first and if she is happy about these proposed arrangements then that's fine with me. I guess I was just a bit irked at how his request was delivered, it was all "I need" " I want" etc. no mention of whether it actually suited my daughter or not.. Oh well, anyway in the grand scheme of things it's not the biggest problem, let's see how she takes it.

Regarding the sleeping thing - think that we do need less sleep as we get older - such a bitch - all those years when working and with young families that you had to set an alarm and drag yourself up and now? Up with the larks! Seemingly 6 hours is considered a " good night's sleep" by doctors...and that's without adding fluctuating hormones to the mix

2little I totally understand the contract thing i think we'd both be happier if H just disappeared, infrequent contact is unsettling when you're trying to build a new life and new routines.

I need to get some clarity in writing once I start divorce proceedings, around how contact us agreed, notice and telling me what time they'll be back so I can plan things for me, rather than being stuck in the house in case they come back early.

im just trying to catch up ladies - this thread moves on so quickly - have got to your post gettingthere - Thank you!
I think I'm kind of proud of myself now - think this is what we all need to hear and need to feel ourselves - we are the ones who have done nothing wrong but are having to deal with the fallout and put ourselves back together at the same time. For me this is all about the kids - always has been always will be and because of them we keep going - we have too.

But I am so tired of this all - sol is now trying to go straight to final hearing due to twunts fuckwittery - I cant even get the words out now to explain how i feel - i have stuff to do I just cant get motivated - saw a text the X sent to dd along the lines of "I can only help you with you homework if Im allowed to see you" what a C&&T - this was down to him mucking about with contact and not wanting to be flexible.

you lot have made me laugh though - all the talk of bushes & pineapples - especially as [bush] has a meaning here.

I want to say to you keep positive - believe that you will meet someone when the time is right, someone who will see all the good points in you lovely ladies - believe in what you want and it can happen - my mood is down though and I can't get this out as I want to - for those that don't know my story or who are new read the back threads - hang onto hope everyone!

KOKO LGOxx

Hi green what are the chances that you can go straight to a final hearing? does twunt have to agree to it? Sounds like a great idea. I too would be happy to just lay it all out in front of a judge and let him decide.

I would hope that with all you are dealing with that this could happen, and yes, the only thing you can do is remain positive

Can we all cross fingers for Hope - she's in her final hearing today and hoping to keep the house.

2little 8 - 10 is definitely more manageable. Although it's hard, being a 'mature' student, with two young children and doing a degree is something you'll look back on and be so proud of yourself for accomplishing.

Crossing everything for hope KOKO lovely lady..

They've been crossed ever since I woke up was hoping something might have transpired yesterday but obviously not

Yeah, me too Bobs. And being the applicant, she gets to go through the trial and I bet then he'll settle. It's a shit process getting them to climb of their horses called righteous indignation and think!

NEWCOMER ALERT

Draws up bar stool, orders a G&T and opens packet of pork scratchings.

Welcome long to the bar. I'll pass on the pork scratchings but the G&T is definitely something I'll be joining you in. How's your Tuesday going?

I'm enjoying a week off work and because I'm divorced I slept in until 10am, ate a jar of hummus for brunch and I've arranged for a gardener to sort out the overgrown meadow behind my house.
Life is good

Hi braving, yeah, I'm a man. Our relationship was a strange one in that she never really spoke about her feelings and wasn't very affectionate whereas I'm the opposite.

WellWhoKnew, you're right about the cheating. It's thinking about that that's keeping me going and makes me determined to bounce back from this. I'm just finding it tough to accept that it's all over and so suddenly. I was ready to go after the cheating but she persuaded me to think about and how she wanted me to stay. After a week or so I was sure I didn't want to give it all up only to then be told we're just friends. I don't see how you go from thinking you're getting married and spending the rest of your life with someone to 2 weeks later coming to the conclusion that you're just friends. I feel like I've been messed around and just dumped on the scrapheap.

I'm currently looking at a house share or something so I can save a bit of money up rather than staying in the B&B.

bobs yes twunt has to agree

think i am getting a rage on what sort of highly regarded professional can suddenly decide he no longer needs to contribute to the finances to run the home that his kids are living in - oh is it because his DW had breast cancer and can now live off the insurance claim- i have to go back to hospital on thursday for follow up appt -

I can tell you I feel like posting more than pineapples on twitwoo -

dont know hope but good luck for today

I introduced myself to OW - as the "twisted wife" she once referred to me as when giving advice about my DD to twunt - which was then read by DD -whom she has never met and is unlikely too because she is referred to as "the bitch"

They must certainly be egocentric or deluded - I wouldn't want someone else's twunt! but dont forget they only see the "nice" side!!

On other news Caitlyn Jenner - just goes to show that a man can change and STILL bitch on about his ex wife (Not that I am a fan of her! ) and how badly she treated him - you can take the "man" out of the body but you can't take the "man" out of the mind... as I said before Boo Fucking Hoo! Poor him....

Home not Hope (losing it today!).

Hi Broken
Just wanted to say hi and welcome..
My h MAR ( said with Nick Cotton impersonation ) was also 'my soul mate' and sometimes when I'm not being emotionally abused to the max I think he still is and I'll admit still unfortunately wish he would come back. Now there, I've said it out loud and although I know it's not right, it's insane and everyone including my own brain is screaming w t actual f are you thinking ?.... I can't help it. In my case I am looking in at myself from the outside screaming to myself "stop wasting your time, your energy and feelings on this man, he is not coming back and you need to move on". That's me at the minute, the woman who can't actually break through to herself. All because I've been conditioned to always be sorry and Haven't known any better.

I'm actually just back from WA and it went well, some signs of me becoming more positive and trying to fight this mother f*** !
All I know is my so called soul mate has cut me out of his life and I need to recover and get on with mine. Not even at the halfway point to the Mecca of "Meh"... Did I few u turns but want to get back on track again.
Frizzy it's completely normal for us to have these set backs x