HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Roz I was in group before but had to change name as he deleted my email account.
what you see I too get the short answer to all my questions ... Usually it's "whatever" or something as hurtful that doesn't show an ounce of decency ...

so there are no dividends to be declared this month - he is upping his game alright - now putting more financial pressure on me.

do I now make the EA official because I am right back in that place again

There are not enough C88T words to describe how I feel about him right now - as for OW - HA BLOODY HA - you have reaped what you sow!

I need to get him out of my life once and for all and protect my kids from the damage he is capable of doing - they still don't see him for what he is but they will - perhaps when they have to change schools and move house it will all hit home

Oh my God, I am actually in shock right now. Just read page 18 and it appears I was indeed living with Mr Always Right with a huge portion of Rambo thrown in. Don't know what to say as it's so frighteningly my story

It is a shock Iget. My STBXH fits the Drill Sergeant profile exactly. Frightening, especially as Lundy says these abusers are dangerous. I was doing exactly what it said in the profile, reading a copy of "Why does he do that" that I kept hidden at work. It had taken me years to get hold of a copy.

However, now you know what you're dealing with. It helps to recognise you're being abused, it's not you it's them. Shocking, painful but also liberating.

Green I find w8nker makes a nice alternative to c88t now and then, chin up, its shit when they up the ante like clever twats

iget glad to see you on here again did you see what Roz did with your name? Perhaps a potential NC?

Talking of NC, what was last night all about bunch of twits Took me ages trying to work out who was who - and none of them was me! Loved the owl

green it's all such a mind-fuck control thing - so irritating being at the mercy of someone you're dependant on to be able to live. At least you can address some of these issues in court

2little that's good he's started paying maintenance. I had to ask twice via sols. The 3rd time i just said I would apply via CMS if he didn't start paying within 2 weeks. That worked.

did you see what Roz did with your name? Perhaps a potential NC?

Ahem, yes, that was deliberate! [bush]. I did think it was part of your name and chose to use the positive section. It wasn't actually there, but an oversight on your part and I'm sure you'll be changing any time now.

Really, I feel sad when I see poster's sad NNs.

Waiting on Ed welfare person and Mr Always Right (MAR) from now... Cacking it !!

Good luck - just remember - ask for their advice. Perhaps mention bedtimes and staying up late on a school night!!!

Liking the MAR mine's now SF (shit-face - so named by Hobbit)

Thanks Bobs, he is upstairs with dd and I heard her crying and went up... Looks of 'why are you interrupting ?' Thrown my way and I can do nothing. She won't divulge what he's saying and she's just sobbing ... He is such a fucking bastard

iget Hope the meeting is helpful, a third party involved might be what you need.

Bobs MAR reminds me of nasty Nick Cotton lol, suits him ! Roz notice anything ?
EWO was brilliant, I liked her and felt she understood some of the issues and dd has a plan of action now.
He of course had me in tears both before and after but I think in front of EWO I held my own and even managed to slip in when he was out of room that I was attending WA and how he was a manipulator and ea. Also that he was doing same to dd. The lady seemed on the ball and wasn't falling for his 'I know everything' shit. I've to ask GP for referral to CAMHS and I'm really pleased about this. At last she'll get some help in getting her feelings out there ! I'm at WA tomorrow so am on a roll.
Just wanted to share a little thing from last night with dd. Now, not sure if any of you ladies are familiar with Vampire Diaries but dd and I have found common ground in that I love supernatural stuff and she likes this kind of teen drama. Anyhow, last night I was struggling and went into bathroom to cry... She heard me and asked what was wrong. I just said that I was having an off day and that I had been silly and was over emotional about her Dad and felt very sad... I apologised to her whilst blubbering and said it was stupid... Anyway instead of what normally would have been her telling me she wasn't interested, was this peach ... "Well Mum it's not like you're a Vampire and can switch your emotions to off" Well I just burst out laughing and she was just a wee honey. Feels like we are reconnecting but I'm so scared of MAR screwing with her emotions again.
Bobs loving shitface as a name !

iget That sounds positive :)

I need a nickname for H, I'm sure I can come up with a shortlist.

Hi ladies, sorry not posted but been having a really difficult week, feeling very low and tired, cried more this week than when he went, he's being a hostile fucking shithead, not sure why, guilt probably, still appears to be a case of we'll talk about money etc " when he feels better" unbloodybelievable, he left me, he left our kids, but we'll talk when he's less emotionally drained, what a selfish cock

just hating all these "happy family" ads on TV - the KFC adoption one, now the NATIONWIDE Dad scarf one - they make me blub and then of course we have the "pasta meal " thing - the new girlfriend /wife whatever " I don't want to replace your mum" thing WTF - who the hell thought of that for advertising??? She can't cook ?

iget - very good start

Lovely comment - we watch Vampire diaries too

Bizarre behaviour.

He just came to collect dd, reasonably pleasant except he didn't want to discuss what they were going to do in front of me and he didn't say when he'll be bringing her back, just playing games.

Anyway the bizarre part, he totally blanked the dog, didn't even stroke him, just told him to get down, this is the dog we've had from a pup, that he had to have even though we'd agreed to not have any more dogs, and the dog he was desperate to take with him just a few weeks ago. The dog he wanted to have on his days off to go for walks, how can you ignore a dog that loves you and wants your attention? It's like brushing off your own toddler.

Don't know what to make of it, but at least it probably means he's not going to want share the dog now, which suits me fine, I've already got a back up plan for our summer holiday, I had a feeling him dog sitting wouldn't happen.

It'll be interesting to see what dd makes of it when she gets back.

Twat.

I still can't get over how these men behave. So many people think it will be eating exp up not seeing dd but I'm pretty sure it's not. I really do think it's a case of our of sight out of mind. They seem to find it difficult when they have to return to the family home for pick ups and contact etc which he is not having to do with Jo contact and therefor can just pretend we never existed. Wonder if that'll still be the case when he knows I've given birth again and he gets a text saying his Csa just went up.
I too so wanted to save things and tried very hard convincing him. I'm so glad I've stopped now but at least I can say that I was even willing to forgive and work hard To make things work for our family. He can only claim to be a coward who ran from everything.
God I feel mad today!

Hello people, I just thought I'd settle in here. Going through a tough break up at the moment. I ran a small company that was struggling so switched jobs. It involved moving away from friends and family but I did have one friend up there. I moved in with her temporarily but ended up staying and we ended up in a great relationship.

We get on so well it's not true, we just fit each other perfectly and in two years we had maybe 3 disagreements, not even arguments. We recently moved into a lovely house that her parents helped us with (they own it and we paid a low rent) and I sunk all my savings into renovating it.

It all came crashing down a couple of weeks ago. I found out she'd cheated on my with a married guy. I ended up staying in a hotel and went back the following day to talk about it. She explained it all to me and assured me it was just sex and it was going to fizzle out. I genuinely believed her about this and was ready for her to get it out of her system. We didn't have a lot of sex (her sex drive was non-existant due to anti-depressants) and she's not very affectionate (not into kisses\cuddling) so moving forward I wanted us to correct that so I could be more confident in our relationship.

A week later she turned around and said she only sees me as a friend and now I find myself in a job I'm not that keen on, living in a b&b and trying to pick up the pieces of my life. It's all happened so fast, she told me she loves me and 3 weeks ago she was sure we would be getting married then suddenly it's all gone.

I'm not going to lie, this is the lowest I've ever felt. I'm trying to keep busy but there's not a huge lot to do in a B&B room! I try and think of the bad things about her as I know I should be out of this relationship but there's pretty much nothing. I don't know what to do. My life was literally perfect a few weeks ago and now I've lost it all. Cheer me up!

Sorry for sad post :(

2little It's hard because they've got these new lives that we don't know anything about (and don't want to in my case), and we don't know how they feel, are they happy with the new life they've chosen? sad about the life they've left behind? Mixed feelings? Who knows, we just see how it manifests itself.

So does he stand on the doorstep, because I'm still here in the family home with dd and ddog and he misses it/us, or does he do it because he can't wait to get away, who knows. Is he trying to emotionally detach from the dog because he misses him and it's hard to see him or is he just being a heartless twat?

Does yours stay away because he can't face you and what he's done to you or something else?

I just know I've had a good day and then he turned up and I couldn't face the meal I'd made and he's been a twat to the dog, and now I'm on here writing about him when I should be ironing and packing for dd's school holiday.

broken74 Sorry to hear your story, welcome to the bar .

Yep, all the joy seems sucked out of your life when you have contact with them doesn't it braving my love. It unsettles me and I have trouble sleeping even if I just have an email. < I've blocked him now so I won't get any more texts >