DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

You'll never know what went on, I think you'll have to make your peace with that fact. He isn't going to tell the truth, he's got too much to lose.
So you're going to have to work with what you do know and see if their is anything salvageable in this seedy mess.
The fact that he did this whilst on holiday with you and presumably (if it hadn't gone tits up) you would be none the wiser would be a deal breaker for me. He has killed any trust. How do you know he hasn't done anything like this before? You think you know him inside out but this little scenario proves you don't, at all. What else don't you know? This is where the unravelling of your marriage begins, it's up to you to decide whether their is enough good stuff to make it worth patching up again.

Irrespective of what happened drugged or not. He put himself in his position whilst on a family holiday for me that's enough to leave the bastard. Putting visiting sex joints before his family. He could have spent the mortgage money and left you destitute. Your child could be without food now. Sorry but there is no excuse good enough to stay with someone who does this.

My advice OP: get off MN for now.

Get away from the bullying voices bringing their own baggage to your situation.

Take some time to establish all the facts. Take some time to talk to your DH. Take some time to reflect.

Then decide the best way forward.

Trice

Good post

Hi OP- having followed the thread. My heart is with you....please consider advice to take a step away from the hulabaloo. Advise you don't involve pil's or OH family. This will calm down, but even the most loving in-laws will retain animosity towards you. 35yrs. ago I faced lies, deceit and what could/should have ended my marraige. I just sucked it up and got on with my life. Resentment regularly surfaced over the decades. Crivens, help-ma-boab, reading your situation makes me want to run downstairs and confront him with all this and punch his lights out. Even tho we're nearly pensioners . I'm crying for you and me now. Proceed at your own pace. Gather facts. Detatch yourself amicably from the other couple. Your choice in duration.Tread causitiously sweetie. Hold your head up. Either way, this means the rest of your puff. Your dc will grow up, and events will raise their uglies again. Living with uncertainties and lies never goes away. Take my word on it.

Op I think it's the never knowing that will kill you in the end.

Hope you're ok

He did not visit a brothel he did not see a prostitute, why does this keep coming up. Lap dancing club on a stag is compulsory, every man has visited one. Most would rather have their money back. Ask yourselves how many posters or their friends have seen a male stripper on a hen do? Hell ive even heard of them on birthday parties.

Buying prostitutes 101, Set up bank account, withdraw small amounts of cash each week and pay into this account.

Procuring prostitutes. Why go to a tourist trap to procure one? for the price of a round of drinks in that place you can get a cheap hotel room and 2-3 pros for an hour. Its absolutely ridiculous to accuse him of going there to look for prostitutes.

His friend brought him there, he didnt go looking for it, which also explains why his friend got done for most of the money. The hyperbole is ridiculous, if he's a sleazy scumbag then 95% of men are the same, the other 5% are worse.

I was once drugged with rohypnol - and the time is completely missing. There were a few minutes of 'hazy' before the drug kicked in, and then nothing until about 5 hours later and a voice was trying to get me to respond to them.

But the dosage given to me would probably have been quite high - am assuming a lower dosage would leave more haziness and less absent time.

Fucking hell op. I really really really feel for you.

Fuck, what a moral quandry.

Anything to do with the sex industry disgusts and angers me. And by anything I mean, lap dancers with their clothes on, strip bars, hookers, escorts. The whole range. It's exploitation. And objectification. Decent men should not do this. They should not use an escort. They should not go into a sports bar and cavort even in a fairly innocent way with women working there. Fuck that. It's gross. It's disrepectful. It's so immature. I could not imagine stooping so low as to go into a bar where there were young poor men with good bodies that I perhaps paid money to for dances. Pathetic.

But modern male culture doesn't seem to realise this. A group of decent (or so I thought) guys I know recently went on a stag and organised a stripper. It ended very badly when the stripped stuck a vibrator in her vagina and then shoved it into the stags mouth. He turned up on his wedding day the next week not having told his bride and wondering whether he had an std.

What the actual fuck do men think they are playing at. None of the girlfriends of these men seemed to think what had happened was wrong I'll in terms of their oh's behaviour. I could see that deep down some of them were uncomfortable but it's like, no one even bothers to say this is wromg anymore. It's just so much a part of modern society that it's acceptable.

I can see your quandry. On the one hand his ibehaviour s totally unacceptable. But it just seems like today this culture is sort of acceptable. And if you lay down ultimatums then,,.its not realistic.

But screw that. I think I would have to leave my DP if this happened. Personally. I am not saying you should. I can see your quandry. But I could not respect a man who was stupid enough to go to a sports bar with strippers. My father wouldn't do it. I could not abide by a man who lied to me. Old school standard which today's men seem to have lost. I blame so many things. Not just the men themselves but the porn industry, our fucked up culture generally to sex.

I'm so sorry.

MakeItACider, or the same dose given to a larger person.

Very true Spell88. Although in my case I suspect the dose was fully intended to make me completely incoherent.

The other thing that Rohypnol did was make me feel incredibly overheated, and people feeling that way are more likely to want to drink more. So small doses might make it easier to get the 'customers' drinking more and be more persuadable. You follow instructions without being able to make up your own mind. So you're thirsty and get told to order a bottle of cava, so you do.

"Lap dancing club on a stag is compulsory, every man has visited one"

Of course they haven't.

"Ask yourselves how many posters or their friends have seen a male stripper on a hen do? Hell ive even heard of them on birthday parties."

How often does 'male strippers on a hen do' get trotted out as an excuse for men to do anything they want? Or ' but women have 50 Shades!' for the excuse to view porn?

See I lived in sea - Singapore and HK for 2 decades.
I'd say this could happen as described in both of those countries.

Op - your head must be in turmoil right now. Well done on sorting things with the bank.

I'd take some time to yourself, leave DH looking after the kids this weekend if you can, and write down what you know, and what (if any) the deal breakers are for you. What you need to move forward. Counselling sounds like a good idea, both couples and individual.

Only you know if this relationship is worth saving, and no one should judge you if that's what you try to do.

"Lap dancing club on a stag is compulsory, every man has visited one"

How depressing the sexual exploitation of women is seen as an ordinary male right of passage for so many people. Those will no doubt include the women who a few years later will come to MN and start a thread saying "I really don't mind porn but ..... (list many points of complaint re their disastrous relationship with a misogynist/"really nice guy usually")

BTW I know plenty of men who don't share the view that stags = strip clubs/lap dancing etc.

Sorry you have had so little helpful advice OP. TBH is story sounds very plausible, and while he did kind of bring the situation on himself a little bit, being assulted and robbed is a crime no matter what.

I had similar things happen to friends in Easttern Europe (Prague) though less money was taken as they were stupid 17 year old boys. They also got away in better shape as they were 17 year old sporty blokes. Thes rest sounds almost identical though. The guide books to Poland and Hungary also warn you to be wary of this scam.

I'm quite surprised so many of you are so skeptical of this. I hope you don't have any silly teenage sons leaving for Eastern Europe anytime soon, or if you do they are a fair bit more streetwise than you. But honestly, those of you with sons honestly haven't warned them about the high risk of assult on punters as well as prostitutes surrounding the sex industry? The general scams surrounding laps dancing/strip clubs? How negligent of you.

The fact of the matter is OP you need to decide how you feel about him vising strip clubs and lying about it etc. If it is a deal breaker for you then it is a deal breaker for you.

becool- I agree.

spell99 Lap dancing club on a stag is compulsory, every man has visited one.

I feel sorry for you if this is the world you inhabit.

ethelb well, yes, these things do exist, but I would expect a relatively intelligent adult male to know better than to place himself in that situation, perhaps by not looking for sex or lap dances when out on a family holiday. I also would expect a partner or husband to not utilise those services, but then that's my own personal opinion. The behaviour alone that placed him in that situation would be a deal-breaker for me.

Alice- yes it would be a deal breaker for me too.

ethelb that sounds very very much like a defence of the OP's DH to me.

So even if we believe nd mugged, what about:

• this was on a FAMILY holiday - can't quite get my head round that - and he was off to find a lap dancing club
• the tissue of lies told from the beginning - the only reason OP knos half of what she knows is because the DH's friend confessed
• the DH's previous
• the DH explicitly knew that the OP would be upset if he went to a lap dancing club, let alone a brothel
• DH has "no respect for women"

He sounds like a real catch doesn't he?

OP is he contrite? Sorry?

Becool I agree. It is totally depressing. It is total exploitation of women. The women in many countries have been traffiked, with the promise of better lives. It is fucking abhorrent.

Spell "95% of men are the same, the other 5% are worse"

I am really sorry that you mix in circles where this is the norm of the men you know. But I can assure you, it's not. I think you need some different friends.

X post with Propel

What is even more depressing is that casual acceptance that spell99 and other posters have.
"Boys will be boys" and other attitudes are not helpful. If you are not against this behaviour then you are supporting it.

I wouldn't associate myself with any man who thought a lap dancing bar was a good idea. I have no female friends who have seen a male stripper.

If I found out a new male accquantance thought that strip clubs and lap dancing was a good idea would disengage mysely from his company.
I don't tolerate idea that this is "normal" and OK.

I'm 50 never seen a male stripper. Does nothing for me. Pointless

Oh and his friend took him there really? Life gives you choices he went willingly didn't say no. He chose to go doesn't matter whose idea it was.