DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Not Thailand, then? The maximum a Thai ATM can hold is less than 1k in gbp, unless they went to several ATM's (which of course will show on the bank statement).

Sounds very like the story from the golfer Robert Allenby lately. The press were very sceptical about that, too.

Personally I'd tell his parents , but no one else and he would be banned from any lads nights out / holidays et ever again as can't be trusted and if he doesn't like it he can pack his bag and fuck of

That's what I'd do in this situation if it was me.

Oh should of added the ins and outs of what happened I'd most likely just forget about as it's unlikely you will get the truth

I wouldn't chuck my marriage away over this for DC sake but as stated above his boys jollies would be finished

But where the men robbed for money or was the money withdrawn to pay for sex (and more) but the evening just went a bit pear shaped towards the end

OP are you still hoping that he'll come clean - or that something will come together, so that there's a version of events that you can believe - and forgive him?

(I don't blame you at all, if so.)

I've been in a similar situation. Not my partner, but a close family member did something unconscionable. What followed was a whole performance of lies and layers of - I don't know what to call it really - their personality? unravelling. The way they behaved in the wake of the allegations was absolutely more upsetting than the allegations themselves. Because it absolutely destroyed my working understanding of them as a person. That doesn't describe it particularly well. I could accept that they were capable of what they were accused of, and was willing to stand by them (blood tie, not partner). But the more they lied, the more I lost totally my grasp on who they ever had been. It was very disconcerting (understatement). His voice changed, his language, everything. He was unrecognisable.

I have actually lost count of the number of men that I have worked with, who I have witnessed disappearing off to the RLD at the end of the evening, whilst I go back to the hotel. The most interesting thing is watching them with their wives and children afterwards. Butter wouldn't melt.
You just never know, would never know, and will never know. Detachment rules. It will drive you crazy op, I'm so sorry.

I presume that this man, at the end of his long night of touring sex establishments on a family holiday, if all had gone "well" (ie. not drugged, beaten and robbed) he would have simply slid into bed next to OP and carried on as "normal"

he might have even initiated what op thought was some lovely sleepy sex

exactly what he has done before I guess

some women can live with this

Agree madwoman. Which makes me think that if you ever do find something out like this it's the tip of the iceberg. About a third of the men I worked with were serial shaggers their wives oblivious. Sorry but I am very cynical about this.

Ex bf worked in Far East and was friends with an ex pat group though he was closer friends with the women. The men went on a golfing weekend. Ex stayed in hk with the women, lots of friendly phone calls and between the couples. Except they weren't playing golf they were at a brothel. And none of the wives had a clue. "Nice" men too I met them.

And none of the wives had a clue. "Nice" men too I met them

This - I remember going straight to the office after arriving at Heathrow with a group of colleagues one morning - walked into the Managing Partners office to find him on the phone whispering sweet nothings into his wife's ear. He had spent the previous two days in the room of someone from another firm.

If this happened in Japan I'd be inclined to calm down and listen to his story properly (i.e. when he's less shaken). It's a very common crime against Western men out there. Often they get drugged to the point of unconsciousness (through spiked drinks), moved to the bar's back room, slapped about a bit to wake them up and then (when they come round) taken "shopping" where they get forced to hand over their credit card in various late night "stores" to pay for goods that don't exist.
Whilst I agree that following a tout to a bar or two is not the wisest decision in the world, your (D)H is probably a bit freaked out by the whole thing. This happens in plenty of supposedly "respectable" bars too.
I'm with Allways above. if he's willingly gone to a strip club I'd less than pleased. However, my immediate response would be support in the aftermath of a scary event for him, sort out the financial mess with the credit card company, then later talk properly about what he had originally planned for his night out.

Your OH visits a brothel and has a bad experience.

Poor guy.

He needs a lot of support to get through this and regain his confidence so he can continue to enjoy sleasy nights visiting prostitutes.
Perhaps you could start by arranging some nice local friendly prostitutes until he feels safe again?

Can't you talk to the other man?

OP I would want him out of my house.
THis man sounds sleasy.

OP, I hope you're ok.
I feel for you that you are not only having to deal with your own feelings and thoughts but now the passion and anger of MN.
I hope that you start to be able to make sense of your own boundaries and limits in a way that feels acceptable for you and that the anger on here doesn't make you feel worse.

Did you call the bank? Did they tell you how the money was withdrawn, when, where etc?

If you feel you can move on from this and continue your marriage then do so. I'm not in the ltb camp! Not while you're not 100% sure. If you change your mind and want to leave him later, plan your exit carefully and do it with a cool head.

I'm still trying to get my head around what kind of man does this on a family holiday? And obviously he intended to come home with the OP none the wiser, which has likely happened many times before. The betrayal would eat me alive.

OP - don't feel that you need to keep his secret or that you are obliged to "go along with it" just because the other wife is. You have a right to your own opinion and feelings on this and the right to talk about it. He doesn't have the right to ask you to keep this secret - it's like it makes you part of his nasty little habits and that's utterly unfair to you. He is simply trying to avoid the consequences (parents being upset) of his behaviour by holding you hostage to it. Do NOT keep his secret.

Mn is probably not the best place for marriage advice. The ltb camp is always strong and passionate, no doubt people bring their own emotional baggage with them.
I'd say break the vow of secrecy and talk to whomever you need to in real life.

Has he shown any real remorse? self awareness? a desire to look into himself to find out what was in him that made him go to these places and address these flaws and issues? remember its actions not words that you need to look at.

I would disengage from him and the friends in order to focus on getting some space so that you can process things properly - no wonder you are in a muddle.

If he is not able to tell you the whole truth and back up his story with evidence from the bank, staying with him will keep eating you up inside but that's your decision. Make sure your decision is fully informed so don't decide anything for a while.

P.S Don't forget the STD tests given his history of using the sex industry.

Also if he really wants you to stay, he would be re-assessing his friendship group and be more selective about who he socialises with. Birds of a feather.

I would not leave my dh over something like this. we would be taking it out for years though.

I think your dh needs to educate himself about the harms done women by the sex industry. And I would be avoiding his 'friend' in the future.

I would not be complying with any gagging order either. You should speak to who you need to for support.

I agree pestering op where it was is annoying (I did it!) but it might shed a bit more light. Hostess clubs in japan are seen as the norm/part of the cultural experience.

I was asking because I lived in Asia for a numbers of years and would perhaps have been able to say if the story seemed real

I agree with trice