DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Out of interest, why has the thread narrative become that this incident happened when the OP's DH visited a lap-dancing club? Unless I'm missing something, that isn't what the OP has posted.

I'm sorry, OP, this thread has been taken over by posters taking the opportunity to share once again their angry views on the crapiness of men and the exploitation of women - rather than give you helpful advice.

Many posters do seem to be letting their imaginations run away with them - lap-dancing clubs, prostitutes and all the rest. None of this mentioned by the OP.

You know your DH. You know how he's reacting to the situation. And only you can decide whether you and he can work this out.

Have skim read and just wanted to say this si a LOT more common than people think. I know lots of well educated family type men who have done this Its up to the individual how they deal with it. I think its idiotic curiosity for some men when they find themselves in a country where this is rife and they do egg each other on. Unfortunately if you are where I think the whole industry is presented in such a way that you could be forgiven for thinking its a fairground attraction :( In some ways a mate of mine did the reverse she went and got a boob job in one of these countries no insurance etc and her dh and dd had to pick up the pieces It was like she lost her mind temporarily when in teh situation and it was almost like as it happened there it didn't really Hope you are ok x

I can never understand why some white people think so little of other races. The op's man willingly visited a sex establishment, beaten up, if true, mugged 650 pounds - unlikely but because he is white in Asia, most on here seem to believe his version.

No OP, your husband was not mugged because he is a "a rich white man". Your problem is that your husband treats women as objects, visits sex establishments and lies. At least when you choose to live with him, let it not be because you think his only crime was to white.

It's scarcity of mind to believe only a certain type objectifies women.

At least when you choose to live with him, let it not be because you think his only crime was to be white in what is presumed to be a poorer country.

Your husband hates women and took advantage of possibly poorer women.

I know, I know my percentages are way off, slightly infantile response from me. But honestly LTB because he got rolled in a hostess bar and has stag night club visits. OP has a right to be angry but saying she should definitely break up her family over it.... its frightening.

The problem is not that he found himself "curious" in a poorer country. He knew it was a poorer and actively planned to use his money to buy women.

It's disengenious, disrepectful and borders on shaming women in that country to think that it's their poverty that led your husband and his likes to buy them.

Men who buy sex do it even in the UK

I agree that it is never a 'type'. I know 2 men who had similar whose wives would never believe it of their dh and live a 'perfect' life in suburbia probably posting on here saying LTB!!

2pm

Who said the ops dh was white... You assumed that

It happened in Asia.. That is a fact

People can act out of character though in certain situations and make errors of judgement I am not excusing him but as I said I do know a few who have done similar and came home and think nothing of it. It is sad and abusive but they equate it with the place and minimise and then get on with their life

I am not the only one who made this assumption, why single me out?

People can act out of character though in certain situations and make errors of judgement
It is sad and abusive but they equate it with the place and minimise and then get on with their life

A man who hates women never acts out of character. Unless he hates a certain type of women?

There can never be a justification for objectifying women, in the UK or Asia

I don't agree

2pminthemorning - please stop your angry, uninformed ranting.

Your husband hates women and took advantage of possibly poorer women and he actively planned to use his money to buy women

You have no evidence for either of those assertions FFS!

Op

Let things calm down, give yourself time to think, when you have your head sorted a bit talk to him

You must have gotten a real fright and it's a shame you have been put in this position

ToYou you don't know me, how do you know I am angry?

None of us here have evidence.
Studies through the years have shown that sex trade takes advantage of poorer women.

It just hard for others to believe that the so called "nice, educated good father and husband" buys sex.

Ate you reading a different thread??? Most people on here have believed that he was buying into the sex trade

Most people on here have believed that he was buying into the sex trade

And only believe he did so, only because he was in a poor country.

No, because he deliberately went out looking

ranting at the op that her dh is some prostitute loving colonialist isn't helping.

He is a tosser, we all agree- but is he a redeemable one?- why not?

Some People behave badly overseas- that's probably how come I ended up a hostess in asia for a while.

The people who came in were varied- and no one bought my body, thanks.

The OP, I'm sure, is more than able to assimilate all the different perspectives on this situation she's sought views on & act accordingly, ignore it all or take advice elsewhere. She's not going to leave her husband because people on the internet told her to. There's been a range of views from: 'End it' to 'that's just what men are like'.

And only believe he did so, only because he was in a poor country.

We don't know which country it was.

The OP has posted that her DH was in a red light district and went along with a tout to a bar to be introduced to women seemingly working there. It's a reasonable assumption that the DH and his friend were being invited to buy into the sex trade.

All this other stuff about skin colour and poor countries is just getting in the way of what is supposed to be an advice and support thread.

ranting at the op that her dh is some prostitute loving colonialist isn't helping

1. Pointing out racism is often seen as ranting
2. The OP has said she is struggling with the idea that he participated in sex trade. Prostitution is relevant here

It's a reasonable assumption that the DH and his friend were being invited to buy into the sex trade
To assume he was invited is to want to say he wouldn't have gone had he not been invited.

All this other stuff about skin colour and poor countries is just getting in the way of what is supposed to be an advice and support thread
You could have mentioned this earlier when it was insinuated that it happened to him because he is white and that he behaved badly only because he was in Asia

Good luck OP.

Don't let this event be minimised. Take some time to get some perspective on this. Don't let anyone prohibit you from speaking about it with anyone who you think will help. Accept that you'll probably never have a reliable account of what went on.