DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Bollocks. DH is lying. Don't be a mug.

Lying about what exactly?

Lacoba I dont get it either. Most of these blokes wouldnt like it if their wives went and gyrated while 99" naked over a male friend so why is it ok for them to do it when the only difference is money changing hands.

Hypocritical as well as misogynistic.

What's his explanation re the missing hours

All of it

christina he swears he can't remember. My friend has spoken to some other men who had posted warnings on trip advisor and it seems the lost time because of blackouts is a common theme. Rohypnol or similar seems to be the drug of choice. The idea being it makes them compliant, easy victims and also vague enough that reporting anything is a waste of time through lack of detail.

Who knows, I feel suspicious, but I'll never really know.

No you won't, that's why it is so difficult for you

you will never really know and yet it seems you are willing to carry on your life with him

how shit is that ?

Sorry OP, I really wish I could tell you that your husband is telling the truth.
However, based on the info you have provided, I believe that your dh is lying.

How does that make you think OP?

Is it still about that night, or that he has possibly destroyed your faith in him .

Remember it's apparently not a one off..

Just asking you to think.

It does sound shit put like that. I suppose I am hoping I can get over it, perhaps I can't. I never thought I'd be someone to forgive such things and I'm not sure yet if I can. I suppose I'm inclined to try, for now. Not everyone would want to I know that.
I want to stop thinking about it for a moment (I even dreamt about it last night) and so perhaps a bit of head burying is a short term relief.

Not quite sure how we move on though. That's a bit of an issue.

This tale sounds like it's been woven together with a mixture of truth & lies. The fact he lied to you initially means it's more than likely that the subsequent 'truth' is a watered down version of actual events & there'll probably be a third version of the actual truth you'll need full disclosure of. If he's lying, the only thing he could be lying about is consensual sexual activity with prostitutes & paying money consensually for that. If his story is completely true, he visited a hostess bar in the red light district on a family holiday, spent time with prostitutes, including putting his arms around them, got himself into a dangerous situation where he could've been killed & lost hundreds of pounds. Even what he's admitted to is enough to permanently destroy trust. The missing hours he's probably telling the truth about as it sounds consistent with the effects of date rape drugs. I'm sure slipping these into people's drinks to encourage them to sleep with prostitutes is common enough.

That was to AF ..

I suppose I want to believe him! Sad I know. My friend believing isn't helping me think straight either. I need to reread this tomorrow and think of me as a friend. It's very hard to separate my life as I thought of it and the life I'm clearly being shown. I can't just flip 180 degrees in a couple of days but then I will really never leave this behind. Oh shit, I've got to park this for now or I'll be bonkers by the morning.

Your friend may be "believing" for reasons of her own that you are not privy to.

Make your own mind up

I know, but it feels like it pushes the 'ok' agenda. I know it sounds mad, but it makes me feel that I'm over reacting by leaving him.

There is nothing "ok" about this for me

Your husband went to a sex establishment while on a family holiday, got into some serious bother which doesn't sound remotely like he describes it, and then lied about it

he also has form for treating women like they are commodities

if this is truly "ok" or even "nearly more or less ok" with you, then I guess you will have to learn to live with the uncertainty and the horribly nagging feeling that you have been made a colossal fool of, and will continue to be so

I didn't say I think it's OK, it never OK, I suppose I mean she accepts their tale, which to me means she thinks it's ok IYSWIM. Sorry being a bit unclear.

that's not what you said

OP, what if none of the Asian stuff had happened. What if you'd "only" found out he'd been paying women to grind against his cock during lap dances. Isn't that enough, really?

It can't be a coincidence that the friend was beaten up worse to pay a much larger sum of money.

OP, it sounds like your husband went out with the intent to pay for some form of sex and then got in too deep. Deep enough that he couldn't keep it a secret, so he tried lying a bit instead.

You were right to demand an STI test. If you want to forgive him, I won't judge. If you want to kick him to the kerb, I won't judge.

I do think, this can't be a totally out of the blue type thing. Some one whose never dabbled even a teeny bit doesn't suddenly get rolled in a whore house "accidentally."

I'll share something personal with you, that may or may not be applicable. My father was a well paid merchant seaman. He wouldn't have blinked an eye at any of this. Mum eventually divorced h, after many years of emotional pain and humiliation. He thought these things were separate from her. But really, he didn't respect women and she was a woman. He was a very strict father with his DDs, no need to guess why.

I think at this point most people would be clinging on to reality as they'd known it for 20 years rather than facing the new, unpalatable truth of the sexist, dishonest prick who had deliberately misled them for years.

What you know for sure is that you are married to a liar who hates women.

I don't believe for a second that you can make your peace with that.

But perhaps you can invent some reality in which treating women as produce is just normal for men.

Is this Japan?

In any low-income country like Thailand there's no way sex workers would cost anything close to £3k.

Amazing how this is escalating, I see there's now charges of procuring children being thrown into the ring for discussion. Ridiculous.

Come on MN, calm down. Yes, They went a bar that wasn't appropriate, no arguments there. Yes, their attitude to paid sex workers isn't what it should be, no arguments there either. They then got drugged, robbed and beaten up, a full on scam. Yes, I have a (non EU) bank debit card that allows me to take up to the maximum in the account. Yes, the cards could have gone over the bar during the missing hours and been debited that way. Yes, you do the ATM thing just before and just after midnight, so get two days max withdraw. So a total 3k off, presumably, several cards is very possible. Easy really.

No, OP's hubby didn't spend 3k, that was the total between the two blokes iirc. No, they didn't have sex with the girls, why would the girls bother doing that for money while the guys were already being robbed, and drugged, and beaten up, for their own fun? No, this most definitely isn't worth ending a marriage over - if every spouse had this view and knew everything about club visits made by their spouse, or them seeing strippers in a bar, or on a hen / stag night, or the details their internet use, there wouldn't be a 45% divorce rate any longer yet most marriages proceed just fine.