Opheliarose, I have read all your posts from the five threads you created...
Ten years ago, I was married to the father of my child, he is a kind man, decent, solvent, handsome. My current husband was married to the mother of his two kids, she is a kind woman, decent, attractive. We were all in our late thirties and early forties, we all worked except for his ex whom until then, had no work experience or qualifications.
We were both content to an extent with our marriages. They were functional. They were just like the marriages of my friends and work colleagues... We had grown apart from our ex-spouses somewhat, our conversations with them were mainly about domestic matters, we enjoyed their company, it was safe, it was what we knew, it was what we thought we had chosen and wanted.
I met my current husband on a train and that single trip changed our lives. Within a month we had ended our previous marriages and begun divorce proceedings.
I used to live in a stunning Georgian terrace with my ex-husband and my son. We drove and brand new BMW. We had a long haul holiday every year and several breaks within Europe... They enjoyed a similar lifestyle.
My current husband and I gave all of that up. Both of us signed of the house and car to our exes. He gives his ex-wife half his salary every month and will continue to do so indefinitely. I have never accepted any money from my ex-husband. My son chose to stay with his dad and I have him one afternoon a week, and every other weekend. I also have him when his dad travels for work, which is at least one week a month. This is tricky to juggle, but I have worked full time since my son was a year old, and I would strongly recommend to all women in the world to undertake some sort of paid employment or training, to have something to fall back on.
Not seeing our children every day is painful, but I am grateful that this happened with the kids were young. Friends of mine that are divorcing or became widowed now that their kids are teenagers and older are going through hell. A younger child accepts reality as it is presented to them.
I met his kids, they were four and seven back then, two months after we met. He met my son a week earlier. I remember his ex trying to prevent this from happening. I was prepared to wait to meet his children but he wanted me to know them straight away. I dreaded this, I thought they would reject me, but they didn't. They never did, neither did my son. Our respective children embraced each other too. They sought each other out in their own way. Eventually they felt as if they hadn't lost people they loved, but they won more people that loved them.
Of course, their lives changed, their families changed and this was painful for all involved. You can choose to think that your ex husband and this woman aren't afraid and feel no remorse, but they wouldn't be human if that was the case.
We were unhappy and we didn't even know how unhappy we were until we met... We didn't have the decency and the nobility to end our marriages before we got together. We are not proud, that was a diabolically shameful thing to do. What happened had a huge financial and emotional cost. We had to deal with the rage of our ex's families and friends, we lost so many people we cared for in the process.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. We carry huge remorse because of the pain we have caused... Believe you me, if your ex and this woman go the distance, they will bear the same wound, and so they should.