Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

[Dulra]

Hi phee I have been following your story but haven't posted before because I haven't felt I had any great advice to offer you beyond what has already been said. I just want to say I think you are doing amazing and I am really glad you went to see your gp today who sounds very clued in which is great. Just wanted to let you know I was prescribed citalopram after I got post natal anxiety.. I was on 10mg initially which got upped to 20mg after a couple of weeks. I found they really helped my sleep improved and anxiety began to ease. They do take a couple of weeks to work as the medication gets into your system and you can sometimes feel a little worse before you start feeling better but don't get discouraged stick with them and they will help you cope. Mind yourself and I think your twins are so lucky to have such a strong loving mum looking out for them

[Newbiecrafter]

Hi Phee

You are so so brave and amazing. I am in awe.

I think his cooking for them and sundaes are just another photo op so he can show off to everyone just what a great dad he is. He is probably also doing it to still try and impress WF.

He is a useless piece of poo and the way he has been so unthinking and unfeeling shows his true character. He has been an utter utter bastard to you.

He has also, possibly for the first time in your relationship, not got the upper hand. You stood up to him in front of the mediator, another person he's trying to show off to, and he is doing what he does best and being a shit back to you in private, never in front of anyone.

You are better than him, stronger than him and simply way above him in terms of intelligence, compassion, empathy and humanity.

He really has lost, BIG TIME!

Sending you healing hugs and lots of

[Vivacia]

It's easier for him because he's had months to prepare for this. You're still counting in weeks. Also, if I only saw my children one night this week I'd be making them sundaes. As it is I'm doing their smelly PE Kits and being harassed taxi driver instead.
Pity he can't be organising the sundaes for that weekend away.

What happened about that? Have you had any more mediation sessions?

Private counselling sounds an excellent idea.

[BeyonceRiRiMadonna]

Ophelia, I'm known as "The Fun Aunt" because when I see my nieces and nephews it's always about doing fun stuff, taking them out, playing, dancing, singing, watching Frozen a million times and generally spoiling them, but that is because I have the once a week for 6-8 hours so I have all the energy to be "Fun Aunt", you have a lot on your plate, raising 2 children, TWINS is very hard work and you are doing a FAB job! High Five Super Mom

[Jackw]

Newbiecrafter useless piece of poo

[eminthebigsmoke]

Nearly time for a new thread and look how much progress you've made again!! Citalopram can be a bumpy ride to start with but bear with it.

I know it's a long game, but one day your twins will know what a shit their dad was to you and the sundaes won't change their views on him then.

Sleep tight

[vertigo]

Evening and Good. It will help. It takes a week to feel benefits and don't be alarmed if you feel slightly dizzy/spaced out a few days in. It passes and the peace is very worthwhile.

Don't get worked up re his pissy little Sundaes. He is working hard at this. They don't want bells and whistles ...however full of the novelty right now.... And he may be too stubborn to tell you if one or both asked for you or played up etc.
it does hurt because previously them Enjoying themselves with him would be a nice thing for you to watch on indulgently.

I wouldn't have chosen my situation but one big positive to come out of it is I feel I am a better parent for It. I'm not just the looker on-er getting the picnic ready or running the bath hearing those sounds of play. I have a deeper closer relationship with them and a different bigger role than just mum if that makes sense.

As another poster said it's helpful to allocate their time with him mentally as you might at nursery or creche.

All this is still nano seconds from the impact Phee. Do make space to grieve it.

Do you have more mediation sessions? Just a thought -nip any nonsense in the bud - suggesting routines that work for them eg bath then bed wind down and timing. You can't make him acquiesce but can put it in the forefront of his mind not to do the late to bed fun/junk food as a habit rather than one off.

Well done

[MerryMarigold]

Oh Phee, it's really starting to kick in now. I feel for you and can hear the pain in your writing. You've been amazing though, and pretty much every decision you've made has been the right one, which is really incredible considering what you are going through.

I was on Citalopram 20mg per day and it did wonders for me, twice! I actually consider them to have saved my children's sanity, as well as my own. They helped me to be me again, a much more fun and patient mum to my kids. And I wasn't going through anything more than being a mum.

You need to watch you come off them very slowly and they affected my sex drive, but very small price to pay for the benefits.

I think work is going to do wonders for you too. I'm so excited for you on that front.

In terms of him, well it's amazing when you're euphoric how much energy you have. Remember he is still in the first flush of all this. Also, he is desperate to prove to his kids that he loves them, and maybe to prove to WF that he's a great Dad. He's still trying to impress her, I think. That's what courtship rituals are about, but it's pretty draining long term.

[StaircaseAtTheUniversity]

Just another one saying I've never for a second thought you were a troll. I'm sure very few have. You wouldn't be heading for thread 6 if people's hearts weren't going out to you. Big love, Phee.

[paddymcgintysmum]

Well done Phee on another hurdle overcome in seeing your GP.
Hope you feel better very soon and have a peaceful weekend.

[Lotsofponies]

Good for you on going to the docs, mine made me feel a bit sick and weird for a few days but that passed. I feel I am a better Mum with a calmer mind, intrusive thoughts/feelings were getting in the way of out quality time.

I thought about you this morning. Tonight is my Pilates class and for that hour (even before AD's) I could totally relax and forget. At the the end of the class I could lie on the mat and just go to sleep. Its fab for core strength and toning up too. Might be worth considering, or yoga which I understand is equally as good

[Dumdedumdedum]

Dear Phee, I hope the Citalopram kicks in soon and doesn't leave you feeling too strange in the meantime. Your GP sounds good and understanding. As I've said before, I think counselling might be a good idea for you, as well, and I hope you can manage to go privately to speed things up for you.
I hope you have a peaceful week-end with the twins and that they didn't play up too much after their tea with Disney Dad.

[MerryMarigold]

After I wrote my post, I realised something. I think soon the 'happiness' index will be reversed for you and exH. He is there now, but when reality hits, it's going to be a lot LOT harder for him. He's gone there too quickly, and I don't believe it's sustainable. It's a bit like a sugar rush, where the crash is worse than the place you were in before.

Whereas for you, you're starting in a dark place, but it's slowly going to get better and better. And your happiness will be longer lasting because it has been slowly fought for and earned, bit by bit. It IS sustainable. Some day, you will realise he's not that happy, and you are...it's small comfort now, maybe no comfort at all. But we are all looking forward to it for you, on your behalf!

[NorthernLights33]

I only just caught up with this thread. You have been through so much Phee and I am in awe of you, you have handled everything with such dignity and grace. I can't believe how he has treated you! I am so angry on your behalf! He is clearly missing something! I'm glad to see all the other ladies on this thread have been there for you......
I think it's good you're starting anti-depressants. They can take some time to work (and you can have some strange side effects during this time...at least I did) but they will help you get through this difficult time. Antidepressants can also make things seem a little worse initially for some people until they build up in your blood stream. You need to take them for at least a week or two before they begin to work....and if you feel the Citalopram isn't for you don't suddenly stop taking it, as when the time comes you need to gradually stop, you could go back to you GP if need be and maybe adjust dosage/change to a different one as there are quite a few out there.
You need to remember that however dark things seem now, you will start to feel better with enough time. You were with him since you were so young that I think you never had a chance to see how you have been wayyyyyy too good for him. He never deserved you, as you are a wonderful person and so many people in your life clearly see this and all the ladies on here can see that as well. He had a precious gem with you and he never realized it, and now he has some cheap fake glass. It may look nice and shiny but it's not the real deal and he can delude himself into thinking it is but it isn't and can and will eventually shatter. People like him and the OW who can treat people so badly with no thought to anyone else but themselves will never be truly capable of having a real and deeply meaningful relationship.

Once again I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all this. You have done so well Ophelia taking such great care of your DCs. When they are older they will be in awe of how wonderful their mother is.

[OpheliaRose]

Thank you formal your kind messages of support. I've been trying really hard to not cry all day. The Dr told me it can take a bit of time for them to kick in but I'm not sure what I was expecting ... Maybe to feel something other than misery but I know it takes time.

I've googled counsellors in my area and found a good website that advertises all the counsellors and makes it easier to choose different issues Etc they have expertise with. I've found 4 I think are affordable and would suit me by the sound of their adverts just need to look into logistics now.

My friend is wothout her kids so has suggested she comes over once my twins are in bed for a Chinese and some films or trash TV. I want to say no so I can curl up and hide in a ball but I think I need to force myself to have social interaction

[Phoenix0x0]

Please please let your friend come around.

You may not feel up for it, but just having someone there (even if it's a mutual silence) will lift your spirits somewhat.

Glad you researched counsellors, have you considered also looking into 'mindfulness'? There are lots of online courses...

[StaircaseAtTheUniversity]

Force yourself. You will feel better when your friend is there. I promise.

[Weebirdie]

Let your friend vine round Phee even if it's just so your not tempted to go to bed really early and end up awake half the night.

And another vote here for mindfulness.

[laurierf]

New thread time?

Let your friend come round Phee - it'll do you good.

I think PP are right, you are too good for the person he has become. But, despite his attempt to rewrite history during the mediation to justify his appalling behaviour, you were good together. The person you married and created your precious children with was a good person for you to have chosen. But people grow a lot over their 20s, from being teenagers to being 30. As weebirdie (I think it was) said, you have grown and matured with family life while he hasn't, which is why he's reverted to this sort of teenage, reckless, impulsive, infatuation and "followed his heart" … and then tried to rewrite history to justify this behaviour.

I'm sure there was a time when he was worthy of you Phee. But he sure as hell isn't now. And mourning someone who has gone, whilst someone who looks like them and pretends to be them is still in your life, is so hard. It's not to say that aliens have abducted him and given him a personality transplant - this element of his personality would always have been there, in the same way we all have positives and negatives - but he has allowed the negative to overwhelm the good. The man he has become now is not worthy of you but don't let your history be rewritten. Because you had a good relationship. You were a good wife. You did nothing wrong here. And this means, one day, when you are ready, you will be able to find real happiness again with someone who deserves you.

[Joysmum]

When my DH went to the docs he was told it would take about 4 weeks to build up in the system at which point they would see him again to reassess. They then upped the dose for my DH as it wasn't effective enough. That's turned out to be the right dose for him.

His sleep is better but not good. He gets enough sleeping tablets for on night a week. Doc said they are very easy to form a reliance on so she doesn't like to prescribe them, only did do when dH hit normal enough for daytime to show the dose was right but still wasn't working for his sleep.

[Rosieliveson]

Yes Phee, force yourself to see your friend. You will have a far better evening with company. Keep plodding on. You've already come so far

[Ledkr]

10-14 days is usual but you may experience some reduction in anxiety before then.
Read the leaflet carefully so you know the possible side effects.
Get that friend round, it will do you the power of good to talk.