Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

[MilesHuntsWig]

Ha ha ha bloody hilarious! Fuck him you're amazing.

[BrowersBlues]

Ophelia, I have been lurking on your thread from the beginning and just want to say I am in awe of you. I went through similar about 18 years ago and floundered for ages. If mumsnet had been about maybe I wouldn't have struggled for so long.

All the posters are saying every bit of advice that I would give you and I say hear hear!

I know you will think I am bonkers but I would genuinely put my house on the fact that he will be hit by reality in a couple of months and will come crawling back begging forgiveness and will invariably use the words 'mid life crisis'.

I am approaching 50 and have seen this scenario so many times. It is utterly predictable behaviour. Nobody on the planet has an illicit affair for a few months in the workplace, for removed from reality, and moves on to another family and lives happily ever after. Trust me they will find themselves immersed in the complication of pretending to be a family. They haven't a hope in hell.

Relationships are extremely hard work and involve an awful lot of compromise which goes on for years and years. Your ex and his new gf are living in cloud cuckoo land. This whole business of her being so reasonable with her ex and your exh trying to emulate it is so false it makes me sick.

It is bullshit and I promise you that it won't last. The only comfort I can give you is that by going through this crisis you will end up knowing yourself and being your own best friend. You will get strength and will always be able to cope on your own. You will be a better mother than you could ever have imagined because you will teach your children to stand on their own two feet.

You keep your chin up against the odds and know that you will survive. This is a great lesson for you to learn and in the future you will be a wiser person who will others will rely on. You are more than capable of rearing your children and you will be a better parent because of what has happened to you.

One last thing, allow yourself to be excited about your future. You have so much to look forward to.

[JugglingLife]

Morning Phee, just checking in on your shiny new thread, love the skinny jeans by the way, you're rocking them! You know Phee, some people are incapable of acknowledging or even seeing their own mistakes, was that something the twat did prior to this? I agree with others that at some point he will crash and burn, just mentally prepare yourself for this if it actually does happen. Keep on keeping on Phee, look how far you have come.

[Dumdedumdedum]

Morning Fab Phee - loving the thread title! Good for you!
Just checking in to say I am totally gobsmacked at your STBEH's continued attempts to control you - I would indeed say, bully you. He sounds absolutely vile in his present incarnation. I really hope he and WF will suffer somehow, if not now, in the future. (But not to the detriment of the twins.) I think you did well in your response to him about access over the week-end and I am glad for you that you have messed up his plans for Wednesdays. He really should be giving you a week's notice, until you have something agreed by solicitors in place, and he should not be telling you what he's going to do, he should be asking you. Who the hell does he think he is?
You are just doing so well, I am in continued admiration of you. But I was thinking, you are in some sense bereaved by the loss of your marriage and family which is due only to your husband's departure and moving on to a new life and you do need time to recover from it. One month is by no means sufficient time in which to grieve for this lost relationship and it is only normal that it will take time for you to adjust to your new circumstances and get used to not being part of a couple any more. Don't put yourself down for having to take time to mourn the relationship. Also, I was wondering, since you have been together since A levels, have you ever actually lived on your own before now? Because that, with or without children, is also a huge change for you.
Good luck with your meeting at work today, I hope it goes really, really well and you come back with a new sense of purpose!

[whereismagic]

Opheliarose, I agree with Weebirdie that you don't need anything from him to make sense of it all and to move on.

[Mama1980]

Great thread title

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Love your title :) it's good to see you getting stronger with each day, you are truly doing such a great job considering all this. Go Phee. Xx

[Spidergirl2015]

I've been following your threads and think you are amazing, so strong.

[MaMaof04]

Great title .
wee spelt it clearly: do not expect from him to show remorse; his emotional growth is stunted ( from Mum to Ophelie). With such people earlier you understand that more immune to their ugly behavior you will become.
I totally agree with you Fab Phee : say no to any child contact on her day out with her ex. Fix some other day- and if she changes her day then change yours. (I am man- I am evil. You might want to behave in a more civilized way.)
Oh dear - how much can one person take on her own! You feel numb- no wonder. But have faith. You will be happy again. You must be happy and proud and smug to be yourself! Just read the funny and light posts by Ledkr and all the posts by all women who went through their own via dolorosa! They are an inspiration! Good Luck Fab Phee! (How are your headaches darluing? How are the twins today?)
wee I hope you go to these fab countries for vacation and not for some business only. Enjoy yourself! (SHare with us some funny or emotionally laden/difficult events)

[TakemeforwhatIam]

ace thread title!
I agree with getting the contact in some formal arrangement so he can't shock you with his demands, I still can't get over the way he demands this from you. If you have it in place (as much as it pains you) then you know what to expect each week. Also I'd just reiterate to him that you don't want them meeting WF yet.

[addstudentdinners2]

Just checking in Phee x

[Vivacia]

Phee may have been paraphrasing when she wrote, "He said he wanted the children this Thursday".

[Rosieliveson]

I think with regards meeting WF, your only option is to tell him that it would be too much too soon (him leaving, separate homes, nights away etc) and be confusing for the children just now and that you expect him to put them first and allow them to adjust to the new situation between the two of you before he introduces anyone else to the mix. If he goes ahead anyway then at least you have made your position clear.
Hope today goes well. Am rooting for you and your job prospects

[sebsmummy1]

BrowetsBlues makes a good point actually. I think you said that you and he had been together for donkey's years. You really can't buy that sort of relationship. It's a partnership built on shared experiences and friendship.

He is trying to slot his new girlfriend into his wife slot and it ain't as easy as all that. Their history is very short and based on illicit sex. He is now trying to build a romantic, loving foundation on a base of lies and lust. It just doesn't work as easily as all of that.

They don't know each other yet. Yes they think they do, lots of chatty messages going back leading to sweaty blow jobs in the stationary cupboard, but that's not knowing the bones of someone. I honestly agree there will be a huge wake up call down the line, it won't be for a while yet. I would say expect some sad little texts around the time you are genuinely happy without him and starting a new life with a new guy. Idiot.

[MerryMarigold]

Their new home

Every time you post something from him I say the same: he's on another planet.

A home is somewhere you live most of the time, not somewhere you visit every other weekend for 24 hours. Especially when you're 2. He is SO presumptuous it's quite unbelievable.

I completely agree with the poster who said he just demands, never asks. Is this ok...? How would you feel about...? I am glad to see you kicking back, Phee - in your skinny jeans and next you can add heels (I never wear heels, but maybe I would if I needed to kick some butt). He cannot dictate to you anymore. You don't owe him anything, and you don't need to try and make a marriage work by compromising.

He may well marry WF 'as soon as possible', or he may not. We'll see how long the honeymoon relationship lasts. I just don't expect it to be very long if he is as selfish and self absorbed as he seems. You can't just change your basic character for different people (over the long term), you are who you are.

[Vivacia]

Fuck them.

This is all about Phee, her new life and the life she's creating for her little family.

[Cacofonix]

Great thread title Phee! Good luck with the job meeting today - you really are doing an amazing job. x

[SignoraStronza]

Bollocks to them all Phee. Love your new thread title. I think it will start going wobbly between them when the realities of housing and potential cohabitation and marriage set in. I remember you saying that she's financially independent, with her own place. I think it would be quite interesting how it pans out if he moves into her gaff, or if they try to get a place together or he makes noises about getting hitched. I predict some furious back peddling there.
Anyway, all this is irrelevant at the mo, but just make sure your interest in the house is protected and keep on keeping on the way you are. You're doing fabulously and your dts are so fortunate to have such a loving, emotionally mature, protective and sensible parent.

[HollyJollyDillydolly]

Loving the new title! Its sounds really strong and positive even if you don't always feel it.

[ClareAbshire]

Great thread title, Phee. #TeamOphelia. Looking forward to hearing about how your kicking your sorry excuse for a husband into the curb.

[ClareAbshire]

*youre

[FructoseTart]

Dd goes to her dads friday after school until Sunday 6pm. She understands she has 2 homes, she has her bedroom and clothes at both houses and it is nice. We get on very well now and are very good friends, although there was no cheating involved in our split - just too much too young.

I quite like the break knowing she is safe and well and being looked after by her dad.

We both had new partners quite quick - within weeks - although they were friends of ours whilst we were together so DD already knew them when we each got with new partners. She was 3 at the time and adapted well.

It was very hard at first, but it does get much easier. We don't have these 'family night' things like WF and her ex, but we are civil and joke about things if we're in the same place etc. we make joint decisions about anything that involves DD.

I have found it most important to put aside our differences and show DD that we don't have to be together to love her the same.

You are doing very well Phee

[cakedup]

I was 10 when my parents divorced, and unusually, my father got custody of me. My mum had an affair with my dad's cousin, which I didn't know about at the time. She was so 'in love' she went to live near the OM, miles away from where me and my sister were living with my dad. She put her needs before ours. As an adult, I can totally see that now, and I'll always be grateful for how selfless my dad was (again, too young to appreciate it at the time) and how selfish my mum was. Her 'love' for OM was more important than her love for her kids. Needless to say, it didn't last long, shame because she lost her kids' respect for nothing.

You just carry on as you are Phee, doing the right thing, and let that idiot dig himself his own grave. It will catch up with him.

[KitZacJak]

I have read some of your posts and just to say that I am thinking of you. Like others have said, I think things will not work out as lovely and rosy as he thinks. Your husband sounds like he has had his head turned and is not thinking rationally at all. He will be ashamed when things go wrong and he realises how easily he gave up his family. He actually stands to lose a lot more than you and the twins in the long run.

A couple of men I know have left their wives under similar circumstances.

The first one left for one of my friend's best friends. He has been asking to go back to my friend but is not even strong enough to leave OW to prove he is committed to the idea! His excuse for leaving is that one of the children was having behavioural difficulties!!!

The second, is someone from work who had always had a crush on one of the women there. She decided she wanted him (after having various flings with other people at work) so went all out to get him (sexy texts, photos etc). He left his wife and 2 kids and now she is bossing him around like crazy while still flirting with other men on works nights out. My favourite part was his wife found a new boyfriend within about 2 months!!!! He did not like that!

What I suppose those examples show is how weak some people are and I think if the truth be told both of those men now wish they had stayed with their wives but can't turn the clock back. Meanwhile, their wives are getting on with it, enjoying a bit of freedom when their exes have the kids, getting back to work but still are in the family home with their children!!

You are everything to the twins, he has made himself an outsider to his family. He is the loser in this. Be strong, in a years time things will seem a lot better. Try to get out of your head that they are better than you. They are not, they are morally weak and nothing can change that. You have kept your dignity which is good, when the hurt dies down you will be very glad of that.

[AbitSceptical]

Hi Phee, I'm just checking in on thread 5. It is a great title.

Your children's home is with you, and I'm sure they'll feel that.

Keep going. I'm sure it will still be painful and sad but you are doing well in a difficult situation. I doubt there is anyone who could handle what you are going through better than you have handled it.

hope your work situation works out as I think that would give you a lot of confidence.