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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
SignoraStronza · 10/06/2015 15:33

I thought they were B/G twins.

FoolishFay · 10/06/2015 15:37

I haven't posted here before but am amazed at the way you have coped. When I separated, I talked and talked and talked obsessively and my friends and family were very supportive. On the days I had subjected them at least once or it was in the small hours, I would ring the Samaritans and they were also amazing. There is always someone there, don't feel alone. Wishing you all the best x

eminthebigsmoke · 10/06/2015 15:58

weebirdie I think bread's post is about Phee's worries about her taking the house. Bread is saying she shouldn't feel like she's taking it, as it's not H's to give and she's owed at least half anyway.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/06/2015 16:20

My twins are B/G

No ones every asked till now why sex they are so I haven't particularly mentioned it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/06/2015 17:01

H OW has a son who I've referred to before so that might have caused some confusion

OP posts:
Ledkr · 10/06/2015 17:05

I thought you didn't say because it was too much detail and might out you phee
How u doing? Did u think about seeing Dr?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/06/2015 17:47

Ledkr that too but it as people specifically asked and I didn't want to encourage the views of others from that thread I thought I better say

I'm honestly not feeling great. I feel like I've reached a sink or swim stage in my life and I may be sinking.

I'm really nervous about going to the dr but I can see that it's probably going to be necessary. If I was as advising a friend in my situation id be suggesting a Dr. I just worry H will be able to use it against me to prove he is better for the twins! I keep thinking what if he says it's unreasonable that I won't let the twins meet ow because or upsetting or disrupting them but I'm on anti depressants surely I'm worse than Ow

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 10/06/2015 17:53

Phee, there is no reason at all that he needs to know about the doctor. Anti depressants or not. He doesn't need to know a thing! Besides, he'd have a cheek making a fuss of it anyway as he is the reason you need some support right now!
I had gathered that they were DS/DD twins by the way as you had mentioned DS previously and then mentioned DD when she got her ear infection.
It's ok to feel that you're sinking. It's important to ask for help. Talk to your DM if that would be comforting. I always turn to my mum when I need a good cry and cuddle. Don't be afraid to show you are hurting. It would be strange if you weren't! Flowers

Vivacia · 10/06/2015 17:53

He'll never know because it's none of his business.

AccordingtoMe · 10/06/2015 18:01

What Vivacia said, why does he need to know?

BreadmakerFan · 10/06/2015 18:42

Ophelia, I am sorry if my post has upset you. I am 100% sure you are genuine, sadly, and wanted to quickly clear it up before it ran away with itself.

Do not say that seeking treatment for a natural condition is worse than shagging someone else's husband!! I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive but it sounded it. You have had a huge shock, shock unsettles the chemical balance in your brain, therefore you need help to fix it. You are more likely to be accused of being a bad mother if you know you need help and don't get it.

It's none of his business. Nothing you do now is his business.

laurierf · 10/06/2015 18:45

As said, no need for him to know… but also, how could you being sensible and looking after yourself be seen as anything other than responsible parenting?

Ledkr · 10/06/2015 18:46

phee ima child social worker and can promise that wouldn't go against you sweetheart.
Ss are not interested in any of that.

Don't be scared of the Dr, u sound very reasonable as you have tried hard to cope and you are coping but your mood has understandably suffered.
Can u get anyone to come with you?
How about your friend who suffered the same thing, have you talked to her lately? It's nice when someone understands.

GERTI · 10/06/2015 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebirdie · 10/06/2015 19:12

Phee, I take 10mg of Cipralex daily to help me over the panic attacks that would wake me up at 4am every morning.

I also go to one on one therapy sessions every few weeks, its supposed to be for an hour but todays was going so well I was in there for two. The do me the world of good.

Please go to your Dr.

As for you husband knowing? There's no need for him to know, but even if he did know - so what?

xxxx

whitsernam · 10/06/2015 19:40

OpheliaRose,
I haven't posted yet because others are doing such a good job supporting. But I do know about ADs during a divorce. My Dr. said... You have a difficult situation you HAVE to cope with, and it isn't going to go away, so it's good to have something that can help you get through it. I think the same applies to you, Phee. I was impressed at the Dr's logic here, and how down-to-earth it all was!! No one can criticize you for finding it difficult to cope in your situation.

You ARE coping, but it can get overwhelming or just plain wear you down.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/06/2015 20:42

This will sound utterly stupid but i never even considered it was none of his business because i'm still in that Husband and Wife share everything mind set. I still have the urge to text him and tell him things, I don't because I don't want to look pathetic and couldn't handle it when he didn't reply but its feels like i'm fighting an addiction every day trying to cleanse him from my life

My Dr is one of those places you have to call at 8am and see if they have any appointments so I will call tomorrow morning and make another appointment. I'm still having issues sleeping properly but I still Don't think sleeping tablets are the answer. I keep telling myself if i could just get a decent nights sleep i would be fine but even when the twins are not here (so not preventing me sleeping unbroken) i find myself waking up worrying.

Bread sorry I'm just feeling over sensitive so if i interpreted your commenst wrong i'm really sorry.

OP posts:
BreadmakerFan · 10/06/2015 20:47

No need to apologies but thank you.

You are legally married so you get to make next of kin decisions, get everything should anything happen but emotionally you aren't a wife and you don't have to answer to him. Keep reminding yourself of that.

mamaneedsamojito · 10/06/2015 20:51

There's absolutely no shame in getting some help while you're going through this terrible time. Personally I'd say it's more responsible to see a Dr and get the support you need now rather than waiting and it potentially spiralling out of control. You need to take care of yourself too. ThanksThanks

Joysmum · 10/06/2015 20:59

My GP is like that too. I told them it was an emergency and when the receptionist asked why, I declined to discuss it with her.

She asked me to hold and came back on the line with a shirty attitude having obviously referred it. No way I was going to explain my downturn to a receptionist and you don't have to tell them.

Ledkr · 10/06/2015 21:01

The thing is honey, you are getting it from all barrels. You are heartbroken and grieving so cannot sleep and when you do the kids wake you up.
You are probably very run down too which massively affects mental health.
Possibly your diet is erratic and you are also dealing with two kids alone.
It's more than anyone can bear.
What you have to do is tackle one or two of those things to reduce the impact of the whole thing.
So for example get some sleep and eat well which will make you more resiliant to all the other stuff.
Anti depressants could really lift your mood and may reduce your anxiety.
They will just stimulate your brain to produce the right chemicals.
I know it's the last thing you feel like but I started going to the gym when it happened to me.
It helped me so much and I'd previously been pretty anti gyms.
Mine had a crèche so it gave me a bit of time off too and I took the dc swimming after too which tired them out.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/06/2015 21:03

joy its such a pain i actually dread calling the dr sometimes.

I really appreciate the advice from you all about what i should do. I have to say its not an area where i have experience. I just want to not feel this way anymore and i want to be there for my twins showing them how much I love them when right now all i can do really is cry

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/06/2015 21:07

ledkr thanks i feel like i'm trapped in a rut concerning how everything is going. i'm always tired but cant sleep eother through worry or the twins. I',]m not eating great which is making me more run down and i always just feel incredibly sad. I honestly wouldn't get out of bed if I didn't have to for the twins.

I wouldn't say i ever considered myself an anxious person but I lately everything stresses me out and makes me very anxious. I know its to be expected given whats happened but some days i have to force myself to leave the house because i feel physically scared to do so.

OP posts:
mamaneedsamojito · 10/06/2015 21:21

Sleep deprivation is probably a big part of it, Phee. A few rough nights and I'm an emotional wreck - grumpy, irrational, anxious tearful. It's like the worst kind of PMT. When I was studying psychology (a good few years ago now!) I remember learning about an experiment where cats were deprived of sleep and started to shows signs of psychosis as a result. Obviously this is an extreme example but it demonstrates the impact sleep deprivation can have on mental health. So don't be too hard on yourself - you're exhausted, shocked and dealing with a complete overhaul of your life. Anyone would be feeling low after that!

laurierf · 10/06/2015 21:24

Phee, as you say and are aware, it's to be expected.

You are not an anxious person. You have not been mistaken about that. However, you are a person going through anxiety. This is because you are person going through huge shock as a result of being blindsided in a way that no one else predicted either. That is very scary. I do think some counselling will help you (as Rosie rightly said, they will listen, not try to tell you to 'pick yourself up and onward and upward' etc.) plus some mild form of anti-anxiety medication and exercise endorphins. Please remember it has been such a short time. 6-7 weeks. You have already shown strength way beyond what would be hoped for on this timescale, so be free and honest with yourself and your family and friends when you need their support (and of course with us too) because you deserve it.