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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
GERTI · 09/06/2015 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laurierf · 09/06/2015 09:25

Phee, on the email thing, I'd actually forgotten this until this morning: My ex asked me to change my password because he didn't trust himself not to look and that was really bad for both of us. As I said before, we split under different circumstances than you and so were able to have that sort of conversation. I'm not suggesting you should have that conversation but for your own sanity you need to find a way to prevent yourself from being able to check them, whether that's blocking the site on your computer (though you probably use the same site for your own emails) or something like that or whether it's just focusing on what paddy said - he knows you can access them and he is writing them with that in mind so do not allow him to that access to you.

anotherbusybee · 09/06/2015 09:26

As GERTI said, "The best revenge is living well."

Phee, you are doing so brilliantly! We are all in awe of you! You go girl!

Going back to work will be a tough juggling act, but you very quickly get into the swing of it! Promise!

Bloody well done on getting the childminder sorted for the Fab DT! You are awesome!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2015 11:25

I don't think it even occurs to these men that their wives lives continue and that they can find happiness again, it's just assumed that you will continue to pine for them for all eternity

Some men would put in a revolving door if they could. They expect the welcome mat. It is as if they calculate the DW will accept anything if the DCs have Daddy under the same roof and try so much harder. Win win for him!

snorfully · 09/06/2015 11:29

Phee I just want to add to all the other voices that are in awe of you. Your strength and dignity through this horror have been inspirational.

I wanted to share something from the other perspective. I hope you don't mind.

My DSis had an affair last year which broke up her 15 year marraige. My BIL was convinced to move out of the family home and her 3 kids were devastated.

I love my DSis and we have always been extremely close but the anger and horror and disgust I feel towards her and OM (as he will always be) has not faded. I stay close to her for her DCs as she actually seems to be suffering some sort of brain damage where she rationalises her actions and I can't be sure she will act with their best interests.....I mean she didn't.

Although I am close to her I have never ever been unclear on how I feel.
We have had raging arguments about it.

Imagine my surprise one day to hear her use me as an example of 'someone who understands why she had to do what she did'. I was astounded and was very quick to put her right. Everyone in the room at that time were openly laughing at how deluded she had become.

Nobody supports this. Everyone is horrified and disgusted. She doesn't seem to see this. She just tunes out what doesn't fit her narrative and lives in a fantasy land where she's not weak and cruel but a victim of true love.

Take it from me nobody will approve of what has happened to you. Your H may try to convince you, the world and even himself that his actions have been understood and accepted but that will never be the case. All of his relationships will change because of it and he will forever be judged.

I promise you in the future you will be able to find a peace. H and WF never will.

Ledkr · 09/06/2015 11:56

Thats a very interesting perspective snor
My DH saus thst he reckons "the leaver" cannot imagine their deserted partner to be anything other than "mum and ex wife/husband" that's why it's always such a shock when their ex moves on with their lives.
It's funny if it wasn't so bloody damaging

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/06/2015 21:10

I've been a bit nervous about posting this evening after reading another thread.

I want to thank you all for your valuable advice and help through what has been an awful dark time for me. I genuinely don't know what I would have done without the advice and support from MN. I still don't really feel like I know what i'm doing so i've kept posting and my threads going because the support offered is invaluable and I also am so grateful for all the stories people have shared with me as its given me strength at a very dark time.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 09/06/2015 21:19

Im so sorry that the other thread has prompted you to post your last post.

Please don't think for one moment there was any need to.

xxxxx

HexBramble · 09/06/2015 21:21

Phee, why are you nervous?
Every single one of us here have a vested interested in your plight because we all see how incredibly hard you're working at this. We are all very proud of you, despite us never having met in RL. We care.
What's unnerved you tonight my lovely?

UglyJellyShoes90 · 09/06/2015 21:28

I've spent the last few days reading your other threads and can't believe the shit you've been through. It's hurtful to read even though I don't know you. You seem like a wonderful person and I hope one day you'll look back and know that you're better off without this spineless prick because you have an amazing life without him in it.Flowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/06/2015 21:33

I don;t know Hex I just feel pretty pathetic most days and very stupid for not noticing my husband was sleeping with someone else and being so silly as to trust him. I have some very very down days where I just have the blackest thoughts. I've found it so hard to keep going for my twins or anyone really last couple of days.

Life is all new and raw for me right now. Its like being in a room where the lights are too harsh and bright to stand fully opening your eyes and looking around. everything just seems so hard.

Last night I started reading another thread and then when i caught up this evening once twins were in bed it was all a lie but some posters were saying they suspect another thread is similar and saying stuff like if a thread goes over one thread then they usually think its fake and things like that and I just felt completely crap about my threads because my pain is still so real and raw. I think i come across a lot stronger than i really am since usually when I post i'm in floods of tears with a snotty nose but no one can see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/06/2015 21:33

wee thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 09/06/2015 21:34

How are you today ophelia?

clam · 09/06/2015 21:44

Whilst I don't know for sure which thread they were referring to with that, I'm pretty sure it's not yours.

And that's the worst things out trolls. It means posters in true need can be overlooked.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/06/2015 21:44

fearless I'm having a very bad day. Twins are constantly asking for daddy which hurts twofold 1) because I hate were in a situation where they have to ask for daddy this is not how i saw my life. 2) because despite the fact he slept with someone else and left us they still adore him because they're too young to understand ... its like a knife in my side.

whats worse is no matter how much i hate him for all this I still wish none of it had never happened Sad

OP posts:
HexBramble · 09/06/2015 21:56

Oh Phee Sad
Your pain is so palpable and raw, there isn't one of us that doubts you. Please rid that toxic thought from your mind right NOW.

Please, please, please don't forget what many of our wise posters said all those posts before - you are grieving. You have suffered the worst possible betrayal and you alone have to pick up the pieces. It must be devastating to hear the DC call after him. It must be just fucking terrible. I wish I could make it all go away. I also wish that folk around you would stop pussyfooting around this fucker and tell him - shake him to the core by telling him how his actions have really affected you all. How this man can sleep at night, I don't know.

I am gutted that you are hurting Phee. I am holding your hand.

Fearless91 · 09/06/2015 21:56

Oh phee Sad

It's natural to wish all this never happened. It's normal to wish things could go back to how they were you. You're human, you're a mother and you were/are his wife.. You never expected any of this.

I know you feel as if you aren't doing that great especially when (as you say) you're sitting there with a snotty nose but are!! You are doing fantastic.

One day your twins are going to find out about what he's done. That's when they'll understand... Not just what their father did but what their mother did and how she coped with it all and still made them her priority.

I know you were nervous about posting here tonight but no matter what's said, if you have something on your mind and need help or someone to talk to, please do post! Flowers

NeitherHereOrThere · 09/06/2015 21:56

Have you seen a Dr yet? I think it would help to see if he/she could prescribe something to help you get through this horrible heartbreaking phase.

The reason why you didn't notice is because he is such a good liar and also because you being such a decent, loyal and good person would never have dreamt that he would be unfaithful. Of course you wish none of it has happened - your head is still catching up and processing what is happening and it will take you time to accept things as these are.

Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 21:57

Aw Phee, no one thinks this thread is fake

laurierf · 09/06/2015 21:59

Phee - no one suspects your thread is fake. No one. I'm new to MN and internet forums in general so do not have any sort of 'troll radar'. But I didn't post on the fake thread and although I have posted on one that I might be a bit dubious about, I have posted because I thought there was something to be said anyway. But I really don't feel 'suspicious' generally of threads here at all and I genuinely don't post on your threads for any other reason than because I, like everyone else here, know you are in pain, know you can do this, know you will get better, know you will be happy and want to do anything we can - no matter how tiny - to help you get there because we also know that must seem a long way off right now. But it will happen Flowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/06/2015 22:06

Hex Thank you .. I keep asking how can men just do things like this?? how can they betray on such a level and just get up dust themselves off and carry on. I've seen other women go through similar situations and it always amazes me how it turns out. I don't want to be picking up the pieces Sad

Fearless thank you it means a lot. I feel so low right now and this has been a massive area of support to me.

neither I did see a Dr originally but I am starting to think I need to go back. I've tried to do it without any thing but i'm sinking really badly right now and i can lie to myself as much as i like but i kow deep down i'm drowning. It sounds so stupid when i say it but i was never suspicious I trusted him and never saw a reason not too. Yeah sure we had tough times but everyone does, yeah sometimes i was annoyed that girls would chat to him if he was out but guys also chatted to me (pre twins) and i never shagged any of them so you know i just didnt even consider he would risk everything for an affair

Christinayanglah i would hope you are right because the pain and misery i feel makes me feel sick and keeps me awake most nights so the idea that someone can make that up just mortifies me. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone not even the OW

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 09/06/2015 22:13

I think seeing your GP will be a good idea: extra port of call for support, somewhere confidential where you can safely get everything of your chest, it would be worth seeing what they suggest.

HexBramble · 09/06/2015 22:13

Phee, your despair is so raw, I am concerned.
Please keep busy in the next few days.
You have a start date for work - start meal planning, start stockpiling your non perishables and nappies, loo roll etc. I seem to bloody live in Tesco at the moment because I'm so crap at planning. Itemise your shopping and do it online, so that it's saved to favourites. Easy click shopping for you in future. Keep your mind busy Phee, you must.

Ledkr · 09/06/2015 22:31

phee I saw that comment and did think of you but not that you were fake too but can see why that worried you.
Don't add this to your already crap feelings, we are all here for you and nobody thinks you are a fake.

It sounds so tough for you at the moment and who can blame you, it's just being heaped upon you at the moment isn't it, your h is making it worse than it needs to be with his vile cruelty.

I think it's time to call in the troops and I mean your friends.
Lots of talking and crying and even laughing is what is needed now, some wine and pizza and just some female company.

I also agree with maybe seeing the gp, maybe some low dose anti depressants could be tried just for a while.
Don't be scared by anti depressants, they are not highly addictive they may just take the edge of the rawness to get you through it.
I took them for a while and I was a psychiatric nurse so don't be too concerned.

I hope you can rest tonight, I wish I was near enough to help a bit, it's very hard to find the right words sometimes.

Ledkr · 09/06/2015 22:33

Did you try the hobbit bar phee