Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

Ledkr I've read the Hobbits thread I believe lurk may be the correct terminology but honestly I feel a bit scared to post because everything I say just seems to sound like a broken record which i'm already posting here so I feel like people would just despair that i'm bring the misery to another thread

Phee, some things just have to be said over and over and over again. Its all part of the process.

Even when your 57 and you think you're old enough to know better.

wee I feel like whenever i talk to people (especially in RL) they all just sit there thinking why can't she just shut up and get over it already, she's said that before it still doesn't change the fact he's gone

Phee, when you are good and ready, post on that thread… but DO NOT be scared about being a broken record or bringing misery. NO! That's not the way anyone on this thread feels, and it's certainly the antithesis of what the hobbits bar is about as far as I could tell. If you are only ready to post it once on here, that is of course fine, it must be hard just to do that sometimes. But you could post it a hundred times… no one is going to get bored or sick of you. Really. I know your trust has been shattered by your H, but you can trust people here.

Oh love, in RL… it's been 7 weeks and your whole life was turned upside dow… please don't think for one second anyone thinks you should 'get over it already'.

Phee

People won't be thinking that, they may just not know what to say to you, I think it is really difficult to comprehend how someone could be such a total and utter bastard

thank you laurie i've been crying most of this evening because I think to myself no wonder people still want to be friends with or spend time with H (and OW ) because they don't sit around crying or looking like they will cry. Or have really pale sallow looking skin with massive dark circles under the eyes.

I tried putting on make up the other day, now when i can't sleep i spend time watching the Lisa eldridge you tube tutorials a poster suggested and she makes it looks so simple but i feel i end up looking like a clown or an idiot, everything looks terrible on my skin because its so pale and horrible looking.

Also, for RL people, it's true that sometimes you could get some 'that's awful, you poor thing, ok, onward, upward, pick yourself up etc'.

It's because they are hurting so much for you. They want to 'magic' you better for your sake, not theirs. Even, as you've already discovered, people you didn't realise would care so much are gutted for you. It's not because they think you think you should 'get over it already'. As Christina says, they are reeling from his utter awfulness too.

The darkest hour is often before the dawn.
From your pain you will find your strength, you really will.
Through my pain I found a new way of living, different perspective.

A simple thing would be to not fear the space, try and get used to it.
your heart may be tearing apart and your thoughts sawing your mind but...find a little corner, a little bit somewhere, that is calm. The still point?

I hope I have not confused you with this.

won't bore you but in the wee hours the brain chemicals are different which is why things often feel crap.

Phee, the red head from girls aloud does make up for beautiful pale girls. My little dd is a red head with milk white skin so I'm sad to hear you be so down on yourself as I know you can be beautiful.
Why not try a lovely light bb cream instead or a light facial fake tan?

Lack of sleep has a huge impact on your mood so that just adds to things around these times.

I definitely recommend a visit to gp.

Phee - you lost your husband a few weeks ago. Of course you feel awful and are grieving and despairing. I'm not sure if it's au fait to mention this kind of thing (ie RL people) but I was told the other day that Sheryl Sandberg posted something on FB (or via the Internet somehow, I'm not sure) about the sudden death of her husband. Apparently it's moving, although I haven't read it. But when I was told about it I actually thought of you.
Your husband didn't die but you lost him, as you knew him, and your life has changed. It's a massive massive shock and that is why we are all so supportive of you and so proud of all the steps you are making even if they feel tiny to you and even if you still feel lost in it all. It's understandable, you'd be a robot if that wasn't the case.
But don't forget that you ARE moving forward even if you don't feel it. Just coping is moving forward. You're going to have good days and bad ones. Don't feel like you're a failure during a bad day - it's completely natural to feel sad and overwhelmed. Just remember to ask for help - your family, friends, your GP, the MN supporters, they all care and they can all help in different ways. Try to keep all your thoughts and strength on YOU and your DT. Don't waste them on your ex DH and WF. Not until you're stronger.
Sending lots of 'chin up' best wishes and you really are doing so well even if you don't feel as if you are. As pp said - being strong doesn't mean you won't cry or feel awful. It means you carry on despite those things. As you are..

Phee - gosh, have just seen your last post… Having never gone near anything like it, I also started looking at those Lisa Eldrige you tubes and thinking that my very pale skin was 'old and sallow' from tears and despair. And also that I was just so boring because I couldn't engage in conversations with people properly because my mind was addled with the pain and I felt that I just projected 'sad' or 'angry'. It took me a long time to realise it but, no, you don't look like the person you see in the mirror right now. I can promise that having the vantage point of looking back at photos (which I avoided like the plague but there's always someone who insists) and now thinking… blimey, how did I see something so different at the time?!

And you're not boring people who care about you. The truth be told, I think most people would say that when they went through a crisis, there were one or two friends who didn't step up in the way they would have hoped. But mainly people just really want to support and help and I became a lot closer to a couple of friends during that period and my sister, mum and best friend have all said it cemented our relationships even further when I later thanked them for all the hand-holding. People you decide you can trust with your raw pain will feel privileged that you have done so, really. It's not like you're just "having a moan" about something. They want to help. Yes there are times they want to wave a magic wand and make it better, and feel bad that they can't, but they certainly don't blame you for the fact they can't.

Your H has done his best to make you feel awful for his own sake (have you seen the MN 'script' thing on your thread? I can't remember… the one where the cheating H then turns it all round on the DW so you don't even recognise the marriage he was talking about (because it wasn't actually like that) but anyway, it was all your fault… ?) and that's made everything even harder.

I know you don't feel it.. but you are young. You have a happy future. I'm sorry you have to go this extraordinary heartbreak to get to it. But you will get to it.

Phee, I've followed you're threads from the start and it had never occurred to me that your pain and anguish is anything other than genuine. Please don't allow people who come online to spout crap take this support system away from you.
Also, there is no shame in admitting that you're hurting, that you love him and that you want your family back. That is so very natural. It doesn't make you weak and wouldnt make anyone, especially on MN, think less of you.
You really have experienced true betrayal from someone you lived and trusted. He gave you no reason to be suspicious. This is probably what makes this all the harder. Your trust was broken. That's a hard thing to get passed. You will though Phee. You will love and trust again.

Definitely see your GP. I have a friend, also with twins coincidently, whose husband decided he wanted a divorce just as the twins turned 3 months. It has been a long drawn out process and she has been seeing a counsellor. She said the same as you about repeating herself over and over, the counsellor just listens. What is more, rather than pacify as people in RL tend to, the counsellor actually helps. It could be something to look into

Phee my lovely - as a matter of urgency you need to pick up the phone and make an appt to see your GP.

I am mental health nurse and often see the mention of antidepressants bandied about here - but I am concerned that your mood is tipping over into a depression .... I really think a discussion with your GP about your mood is a priority for you right now.

I feel your pain Phee. I have travelled this road ... And it is a long road to recovery - 2 years on from a very similar to yours , and I have a very tearful week reflecting on the pain and anguish I went through. Sometimes I feel proud , on days like today I feel bitter about the way that I have changed and become harder . Like you - it was not what I signed up for when I got married or had children. I did not sign up to infidelity, or sign up to raising children on my own. Before 2 years ago I did not think I was capable of feeling hate - I am such a pacifist - but now I know I feel hate . I feel hate towards OW for betraying another woman who has children.

Please see your GP Phee. Antidepressants in these circumstances can really help as buffer in getting you through. Thinking of you. Don't give up. This WILL pass - yes you still have dark days ahead but they will lessen and you have lots of laugh out loud moments ahead with your DTs.

OP on the make up, yes look at Lisa Eldridge but the tutorial you need to look at for very pale skin is one with a guest make up artist called Mary Greenwell (who is really famous). It's specifically about very pale skin and the make up she does is really natural and lovely looking.

It always amazes me (and inspires me) how 'unpretty' Lisa is without makeup, and how she transforms herself. Basically, she has really good skin, which can take the makeup. My skin is terrible so I don't wear any makeup. This is about 'no make-up, make-up' which I found helpful.

Hi Phee I really hope you dont mind me posting, I havent been on here for a very long time. I read your posts and my heart went out to you. You see, I went through exactly what you are going through, five years ago, although it doesnt seem that long. It took me 2 years to even begin to feel the sunshine again. Please dont let that scare you because you are doing such a fantastic job (I know you probably dont think this) but it does get easier. I too felt like I was a walking misery and that no RL friends would want to listen to me constantly crying. I would question them all the time "do you think he will come back" because that is all I wanted to know. Of course, eventually he did or at least made out he did unbeknown, no doubt, to OW. I did get counselling without it I would not have been able to function. The despair is unreal and you need good friends and family to carry you through. Please dont feel that you are a burden because you are not. I used to think that it would have been easier if he had died and of course that is a terrible thing to say for all the loved ones who have lost their dear partners but the pain of the betrayal and the broken trust is hard to bear. I remember one time in the early stages my ex had taken our DD's out with the OW and I sat in my kitchen and thought that I would be better off gone. Please dont let it get this far for you. I did seek help and there is no shame in doing so. Book an appointment with GP today. I dont want to offend anyone by talking about my own personal experience, this is not my post but I guess I just wanted to give you hope. You are not alone Phee and we are all here cheering for you. Its not easy but I promise with all my heart that you will get through this. I am now engaged and love my new partner which I never thought would ever be possible. I have 2 DD, age 8 and 12 who I am immensely proud of. Its not been easy but I look back and think well maybe I did an OK job after all. It has left its scars but maybe thats not necessarily a bad thing. My ex is still with OW and I honestly pity her. She was so cock sure (pardon the pun) that he loved her and never loved me but only now I know thats not the case. You see once he had strayed it appears he couldnt stop straying but just doesnt have the balls to leave again because then that would mean it was his fault his marriage broke down and after all, in his mind, he still believes it was mine. Phee you deserve so much more and eventually you will know this too. Its a long hard road but not one you have to walk alone. Do not think that he has any control over you, the day he walked was the day he lost any input into your life. I wish I lived close by, I would let you cry all day if it helped. You will find out your true RL friends and please dont feel guilty about leaning on them, thats what friends are for. Your worst days when you feel you cant go on without him will become less and less and the days you think "you're a selfish tosser" will become more and more. Stay strong Phee, you are doing so well and we are all here for you x

What's all this crap about taking the house? He said you can have it? etc etc

IT IS HALF YOURS ANYWAY it isn't for him to bestow on you.

Do not be grateful the big man is helping out the little woman .

Which sex are your children ?

Breadmaker where has it been said he is taking half the house? I cant find ref to it.

@bread

I thought the DTs were boys but recent post suggest at least one of them is a girl!

I agree that a visit to the doctors might help. I did at the start and had something to help the anxiety and panic attacks, i then thought I could manage ok. 7 months on and I have crashed again and am now on anti depressants. For me they seem to just make my head 'less busy'. I felt like I was going to explode with the constant stream of thoughts and feelings, what if's, buts, re-enactments and conversations both real and imagined. It was exhausting. I feel a little 'detached' now but much calmer and most importantly able to sleep.

I am another one who is in awe of your strength. To feel pain and to cry is normal for a loving empathetic human being. He and WF are not normal. You will get through this xxx

Weebirdie, I haven't said he was taking half the house.

Exactly, mama.

Sorry bread, I meant where has it said he's taking the house. I cant find it.