Please - I desperately need help. A truly horrible situation

[ChopinLiszt]

I've nc for this. I've posted one or two threads recently and I'm worried about being outed.

I've been plucking up the courage to post this for such a long time but it feels like when I start to talk about it, the floodgates might open and I'm only coping at the moment by blocking most of it out.

Basically, ex-DH and I separated two and half years ago. I left him and we both went into other relationships. About six months into mine DH decided to be nasty and threatened constantly to spread lies and rumours about me. He specifically said he was going to contact my then partner and tell him all manner of horrible, personal things about me; some true and some not. DH also rang round my family and told them I was working as an escort (I was not, nor have I ever, I think it was the most damaging thing he could come up with). The absolute embarrassment and shame of having to discuss this with my family was awful. And DH was doing it to be nasty. He thrived on threatening me and making me sick with worry. He was hurt and he wanted to hurt me. It showed me another side of him that I hadn't seen before.

He would also go through my phone any opportunity he got (we have 3 DC so he's been in the house for pick up and drop off).

At that point I began suffering badly with MH issues. The stress and strain of the marriage breakdown and being bullied by my ex plus a relationship that was abusive eventually led me to have a nervous breakdown. At that point I was suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I became very, very ill for a period of weeks. I functioned enough to look after the DC but one day I came home to find social services on my doorstep. They'd had an anonymous tip-off they told me, so they'd come round to assess the situation. I was flabbergasted as there was no way I needed SS involvement. It was crazy! They went away and nothing more was said.

Whilst this was going on, DH refused to give back his doorkey which left me feeling very vulnerable and he generally bullied and threatened me. And it continues to this day. He has no respect, he will go over my head about things with the DC, he still goes through my phone. He says he doesn't believe a word I say, he is very controlling and he leaves every situation with a threat. Or just storms off. He NEEDS to be in control of everything.

SS became involved again because 'someone' had reported me and it turns out that they thought I was working as an escort!!!! There's been some sort of investigation going on but because the allegation is nonsense and my DC are very much loved and well cared for I've tried not to let it get to me. Until ex-DH said nastily that it was him who had told them that. I honestly could have cried. Due to BP I have anxiety issues and stress makes me ill. I can't be ill though or the children will suffer and it would give SS another reason to be involved.

On Thursday night last week my DC were away so I arranged to meet a friend in the pub. Unbeknown to me my ex-DH was also there with a friend (he lives hours away so it was really unexpected). We said hello pleasantly enough and then we left. Separately. I got back home, my friend and I went into the house, put some music on and sat down and chatted. At one point one of the dogs went into the porch and because they will chew up any shoe they find I followed them in - and got the shock of my life. Ex-DH was standing in the porch, black raincoat on with the hood up, just glaring at me. I asked him wtf he was doing and he said "It's your fault, you left the door open." Friend hadn't pushed it shut properly. He then started ranting and raving about what he'd heard, saying that he knew the truth now, etc., etc. All absolute rubbish and it came across as a bit of an act. He left in the end after arguing with my friend who was defending me against him. I honestly cannot describe the utter contempt ex-DH seems to have for me.

And this weekend things have come to a head. I asked him to wait to pick DC1 up because I had family down and they wanted to see her, he ignored me and went to the school, picked her up and took her. Didn't even text me, ignored my calls and then when I was frantic with worry he texted and said "What? DC1 didn't want to stay." She's young and should not have been put in the position of having to choose. It's making life for her stressful and she gets tearful because she feels the pressure. Ex-DH is oblivious to this and so utterly self-centered that he seems to believe that he can do no wrong.

I've ended up tonight just feeling anxious and tearful. I have no idea where his next 'attack' will come from and I can't trust him with my DC. I can't trust that he will behave in their best interests. I can't relax, I can't concentrate and I have no idea where to go from here. He has this horrible, threatening look in his eyes when he talks to me and I don't know how to cope with him. I don't know where to go from here. I feel cowed in fear and I have no idea how to deal with SS, what he might say in the future, what he might do with the DC. I don't trust him with my DC and that's awful.

Can anyone advise? Am I being stupid about the whole thing? I'm just desperate for advice and guidance. I was so pathetically grateful when my friend defended me against exDH - it showed me that I wasn't over-reacting. I have no one to talk to in RL and no partner so shouldering the strain is hard. I want to keep things amicable, I want to be friendly - if not friends - I want to hand the DC over with confidence but honestly this weekend I have caught myself wondering whether he's planning to commit suicide and take them with him. It's the sort of thing he would do and all the stories in the press recently have scared me. It's got the point where I'm scared if I don't hear from him and yet my adrenaline shoots through the roof when his name flashes up on my phone. He seems hellbent on hurting me and I don't know how to stop him. What can I do????

Sorry this is so long.

Please call Women's aid OP. They will have experience of people in a similar position to yours and know how to advise you best.

in the meantime I would definitely change the locks and the code on your phone and not let DC know the code.

In your position I would definitely go to the police but I understand how hard that must be in your position so I really would recommend talking to Women's aid first as they could probably give you an idea of what would happen next and how to keep yourself and the kids as safe as possible.

Stay safe OP

Please call womens aid/police.

Your ex-BF reaction should tell you that this situation is not right.

I think you haven't called them, because you maybe believe that you won't be believed and they won't stop it.

They will believe you and they can stop it.

If you call Women's Aid they will source you free legal advice. You are a victim of domestic abuse. A lawyer will not cost. Do not let money stop you seeking help.

You haven't let anyone doen lovely but please do speak to somebody. You'd dickH reminds me so much of my own dad it's scary and I'm scared for you. He is harrassing you. Call the police and speak to d.v. team or call women's aid. Explain about the house and tell them you are scared. It isn't a waste of anybody's time, this is the type of situation those agencies were made for. I see how easy it must be to carry on with this as normal, but this man is controlling you, your life and your children's lives can be so much better than this.

Morning Chopin.

How are you feeling today.

I understand what you are saying about him thinking he has power by being in a position that he is. He may have some contacts in on the legal side of things, but what he is doing is wrong, and you do need to report this.

We have had a similar sort of situation in our family, there was a divorce where one of the party was a magistrate and she used every one she knew to make life difficult for her ex (my dbro) - but in the end it is now her sitting in the difficult position as all her legal "buddies" have seen through her and seen what a nasty piece of work she is. She has been worked out of her position as had to go and work away as she cannot get work in the town where she and my dbro lived when they were married. She has used everyone, including her own children (she lost custody of them too) just to spite my dbro and to stop him moving forward in life.

The crunch came when my dbro reported her and got and injunction placed on her that she was not allowed within certain distance of him or the children. She even got my dbro fired from two jobs with her lies and false accusations.

But he is free of her now, but only because he had to get outside help. Help in the form of social services, the police, family advocates etc As part of this, she was ordered to be admitted to a hospital for testing of mental health issues as they believed her to be schizophrenic. She left the hospital on her own accord and a warrant was put out her arrest.

I know what I am saying now may be frightening to read, but this is the scenario now over a 12 year period. Had my dbro acted sooner in getting the help he needed, it was have caused him and the children a lot less trauma I believe. The children are currently at boarding school now as it was the safest option for them, as she is not allowed near their school either. They have absolutely nc with their mother now. She has moved on quite fast once her each and every plot was blocked, has moved away, is engaged and pregnant again. My dbro has had no contact from year for around a year now. He has also moved away, as they were in a small town and she smeared his and our families names something terrible. I think you find where you real friends are in times like these.

He is a bully and must be stopped. He has to bully you to make himself feel better and think he is right. He is still trying to control you even though you are no longer married. I suspect there are some mh issues there too OP.

Sorry this turned out long. I really just wanted to say that this is way to be free of him, but you cannot do it alone. You need to reach out to those who can help you.

I know it is not the done thing, but I would love nothing more than to sit down with you and give you a big hug and wish you strength for you to move forward, for you and your children.

Hello OP and well done starting your thread. Right now you must be feeling overwhelmed by all the people telling you what to do. It takes time to sink in and accept what is going on.

You might find it helpful to read This thread and get support from other women who have been in your situation.

I had my laptop hacked, my emails read, was followed and spied on, and thought I was going mad. My XH even posted on threads and posed as a wronged wife reversing our situation to get sympathy on here. AF told him to get legal advice and leave me, so I took her advice instead!

You are suffering from Spaghetti Head Mess which is a well known effect of spending too much time with an abusive Fuckwit. Cut him out and you will find you are quite healthy! But be gentle with yourself. Take it a step at a time and look after yourself x

Omg, he is abusing and harassing you. He's a complete bully and I'm in no doubt that you only have mental health problems because he is trying to break you.

Please know that you don't have to put up with this, your in control all along and that's what he doesn't like as he's a bully. Call the police, see a solicitor and have him prosecuted for harassment. It will probably infuriate him more as he is becoming unstable himself yet making it look like you are.

He can call SS all he likes, they won't take your children just because you have MH issues. Next time SS turn up obviously put their minds at rest as they are just doing their job, then tell them you are taking this to the police and you want a statement which lists every false accusation. Get your family to write statements too about the lies and you have your friend as a witness. Change your door locks and don't let this man into your house again.

He's obsessed and deluded by the whole thing, I'm filled with rage for you as I had an ex do similar to me but not as extreme and I know how it whittles you down.

Would it be possible to get your friend (the one who was with you when he followed you home) to phone Women's Aid on your behalf and then pass the phone to you? I understand the fear about making the first step and it might give you the impetus you need to start the ball rolling towards your new life without this abusive bully.

I hope you are thinking of some nice things to do for yourself, too? being a single parent to kids/not feeling 100% on it's own is enough to warrant a nice treat. So maybe book a massage/pedicure/haircut/nice meal out with friends/cinema - something to re-invest in you. You are coping and juggling well, you should reward yourself.

Then if you want to add the ex into the mix, you might be a little stronger. I think we under estimate treating ourselves - the conversations we have with therapists for example - it can go a long way to feeling you are supported in RL and saying it aloud to someone you don't know on a personal level can be quite liberating.

So if you aren't ready to call Women's Aid, try to book in some quality time for you.

Thank you so much for all of the responses. You have no idea how much they mean to me.

I bit the bullet and phoned Women's Aid. I spoke to a lovely lady but she told me wrong advice (I'm legally trained) which dashed my hopes a bit. However she also told me to tell the police and report him for harassment. Which I know I need to do. I can't now because I have to go out to the school, but maybe tomorrow (can't tonight as DC around). They also told me to change the locks (even though technically I'm not allowed....) And I will. As soon as I have the money!

Oh brilliant! :) Well done. Shame that some of the advice was a bit off (do you want to share in case anybody can decipher, perhaps she misunderstood something?)

I'm glad you're feeling more confident about contacting the police.

I also agree with others, that perhaps money for a lawyer would be more helpful, short term, than money on swimming etc. It can't be very stable for DC to have daddy coming in and intimidating mummy every time he picks them up, and they will be aware of this on some level. Perhaps something to think about as the weather warms up and there are more free outdoor activities happening? But perhaps if you contact the police and change locks, that will be the beginning of some good enough changes.

Just take small steps for now, you dont have to do EverythingAllAtOnce.
Phoning Womens Aid was a fantastic first step! :)

Id suggest printing off this thread, or just your first post and take it with you when you speak to the Police DV officer - it lays everything out, gives them a bit of history and a bit of a timeline, and also means if your mind goes blank under the stress of talking to someone, you can just hand it over for them to read.

They, and Womens Aid, and any other resources that could help you are all there FOR YOU. You are being treated badly by him, you are not just making a fuss or whatever other rubbish he may have told you, you are deserving and in need of assisitance and help with dealing with him, and thats what theyre there for, dont be scared or hesitant of leaning on them or asking as much from them as YOU need.

Well done!!

Spaghetti Head Mess and Abusive Fuckwit Syndrome - brilliant diagnoses Cliff

And it gets worse. SS have phoned - they are going to have a full on child protection meeting. Based on exH false allegations and what seems to be a miscommunication. I have no one to turn to. No one to tell. I haven't done anything wrong. I am so very scared.

You've nothing to hide and nothing to fear, Chopin.

Social Services DO need to know of your concerns about him. Can you find the courage to ask police advice on 101, or at least log the incidents with them? This might lend more weight to what you say?

Chopin, you need to consult a solicitor straight away. They can accompany you to meetings with ss. Also please take along an accurate and detailed diary of incidents - it's imperative that you reveal what's been happening at the earliest stage. The layer you leave it to give your side of the story, the more likely they are to infer that you've fabricated allegations.

I know it's all scary but you must be proactive.

Keep a copy of the diary (take plenty of copies) as you might be asked to hand it to them/the solicitor.

Last thing - make sure you record that you've contacted women's aid so it's clear that you are taking steps to protect yourself.

Just be completely honest with SS. You have nothing to hide. It may even help to get him off your back.
Call police. Keep a diary of contact with him, times, what was said. Keep all txts. Show SS and police everything.
Best of luck

Try not to despair although I know it must be hard. The SS are not strangers to ex partners reporting lies about people. You have nothing to hide and if anything the meeting is likely to go in your favour given his behaviour.

I know doing all these things is so difficult but you have made a great first step in phoning Womens Aid.

I think you do need to make changing he locks a priority now as it seems he is making moves to distress you. If you cannot afford it could it be claimed on house insurance if you "lost" your keys? It is worth it for you own sense of security.

Do you think you give the police a call in the morning? The first steps are the hardest bit

This is classic abusive behaviour to intimidate and control you. It's awful but please remember you are not alone. Sadly, SS 'tipoffs' and lies are so common.
So 1) take heart. You are not alone and you are believed
2) take steps to protect yourself such as changing the locks, reporting abusive behaviour to the police etc

Also, I may be way way off base but just consider if your mental health is actually a symptom of his behaviour rather than something from you?

Oh Chopin, my love, you are having the shittiest, most terrifying time. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling but try and stay strong and keep faith that you've done nothing wrong. You sound a fantastic mother, and a strong woman, so for now, just keep going.

As the others have all said, document everything - every little detail. Go back as far as you can remember. Is your ex wanting custody of the children, is that his aim, or is he just so determined to do you harm that he'll stoop this low?

While the temptation must be to curl into a ball and hope it passes, it seems that what your ex is hoping you'll do. It's time to muster all your incredible strength and fight back. He cannot do this to you, and he cannot get away with it. He's been so used to you accepting his vile behaviour, that you seizing back control will throw him off-balance and you should take all steps to protect yourself.

It must seem overwhelming now, the list of things you need to do, but please, start with the basics and tackle them one by one. First, call the police and go and report him. Tell them everything - from the threats, the calls to SS, the entering your house, things going missing. Don't spare a single detail. Then, my love, I know it's not as easy as writing it, but please, please, please find the money to change the locks. His actions are frightening and, as a man who's obviously used to having control, you need to take as many actions to keep yourself and your children safe. Tell the police how frightened you are - they will take you seriously.

And keep talking on here. There's endless support and hand holding, and there will be plenty of incredible and inspirational women who have experienced much the same and come out the other side. In just a few weeks or months, this too could be you.

Stay strong, and rely on us, we'll help see you through.

This is truly one of the most frightening threads I've read on here.

You really need to go to the police asap.

I see that you work. Do you belong to a union? If not, please join one as soon as you can. It will give you access to some legal advice and support.

I called the police and they were amazing. Just on the 101 number. I had to hang the call up suddenly to take a call from my GP and they actually sent two police officers straight round to my house. I was at school though unfortunately. Anyway, they're coming back here at 9pm tonight after the children are in bed to take a statement.