I've nc for this. I've posted one or two threads recently and I'm worried about being outed.
I've been plucking up the courage to post this for such a long time but it feels like when I start to talk about it, the floodgates might open and I'm only coping at the moment by blocking most of it out.
Basically, ex-DH and I separated two and half years ago. I left him and we both went into other relationships. About six months into mine DH decided to be nasty and threatened constantly to spread lies and rumours about me. He specifically said he was going to contact my then partner and tell him all manner of horrible, personal things about me; some true and some not. DH also rang round my family and told them I was working as an escort (I was not, nor have I ever, I think it was the most damaging thing he could come up with). The absolute embarrassment and shame of having to discuss this with my family was awful. And DH was doing it to be nasty. He thrived on threatening me and making me sick with worry. He was hurt and he wanted to hurt me. It showed me another side of him that I hadn't seen before.
He would also go through my phone any opportunity he got (we have 3 DC so he's been in the house for pick up and drop off).
At that point I began suffering badly with MH issues. The stress and strain of the marriage breakdown and being bullied by my ex plus a relationship that was abusive eventually led me to have a nervous breakdown. At that point I was suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I became very, very ill for a period of weeks. I functioned enough to look after the DC but one day I came home to find social services on my doorstep. They'd had an anonymous tip-off they told me, so they'd come round to assess the situation. I was flabbergasted as there was no way I needed SS involvement. It was crazy! They went away and nothing more was said.
Whilst this was going on, DH refused to give back his doorkey which left me feeling very vulnerable and he generally bullied and threatened me. And it continues to this day. He has no respect, he will go over my head about things with the DC, he still goes through my phone. He says he doesn't believe a word I say, he is very controlling and he leaves every situation with a threat. Or just storms off. He NEEDS to be in control of everything.
SS became involved again because 'someone' had reported me and it turns out that they thought I was working as an escort!!!! There's been some sort of investigation going on but because the allegation is nonsense and my DC are very much loved and well cared for I've tried not to let it get to me. Until ex-DH said nastily that it was him who had told them that. I honestly could have cried. Due to BP I have anxiety issues and stress makes me ill. I can't be ill though or the children will suffer and it would give SS another reason to be involved.
On Thursday night last week my DC were away so I arranged to meet a friend in the pub. Unbeknown to me my ex-DH was also there with a friend (he lives hours away so it was really unexpected). We said hello pleasantly enough and then we left. Separately. I got back home, my friend and I went into the house, put some music on and sat down and chatted. At one point one of the dogs went into the porch and because they will chew up any shoe they find I followed them in - and got the shock of my life. Ex-DH was standing in the porch, black raincoat on with the hood up, just glaring at me. I asked him wtf he was doing and he said "It's your fault, you left the door open." Friend hadn't pushed it shut properly. He then started ranting and raving about what he'd heard, saying that he knew the truth now, etc., etc. All absolute rubbish and it came across as a bit of an act. He left in the end after arguing with my friend who was defending me against him. I honestly cannot describe the utter contempt ex-DH seems to have for me.
And this weekend things have come to a head. I asked him to wait to pick DC1 up because I had family down and they wanted to see her, he ignored me and went to the school, picked her up and took her. Didn't even text me, ignored my calls and then when I was frantic with worry he texted and said "What? DC1 didn't want to stay." She's young and should not have been put in the position of having to choose. It's making life for her stressful and she gets tearful because she feels the pressure. Ex-DH is oblivious to this and so utterly self-centered that he seems to believe that he can do no wrong.
I've ended up tonight just feeling anxious and tearful. I have no idea where his next 'attack' will come from and I can't trust him with my DC. I can't trust that he will behave in their best interests. I can't relax, I can't concentrate and I have no idea where to go from here. He has this horrible, threatening look in his eyes when he talks to me and I don't know how to cope with him. I don't know where to go from here. I feel cowed in fear and I have no idea how to deal with SS, what he might say in the future, what he might do with the DC. I don't trust him with my DC and that's awful.
Can anyone advise? Am I being stupid about the whole thing? I'm just desperate for advice and guidance. I was so pathetically grateful when my friend defended me against exDH - it showed me that I wasn't over-reacting. I have no one to talk to in RL and no partner so shouldering the strain is hard. I want to keep things amicable, I want to be friendly - if not friends - I want to hand the DC over with confidence but honestly this weekend I have caught myself wondering whether he's planning to commit suicide and take them with him. It's the sort of thing he would do and all the stories in the press recently have scared me. It's got the point where I'm scared if I don't hear from him and yet my adrenaline shoots through the roof when his name flashes up on my phone. He seems hellbent on hurting me and I don't know how to stop him. What can I do????
Sorry this is so long.