Please - I desperately need help. A truly horrible situation

[ChopinLiszt]

I've nc for this. I've posted one or two threads recently and I'm worried about being outed.

I've been plucking up the courage to post this for such a long time but it feels like when I start to talk about it, the floodgates might open and I'm only coping at the moment by blocking most of it out.

Basically, ex-DH and I separated two and half years ago. I left him and we both went into other relationships. About six months into mine DH decided to be nasty and threatened constantly to spread lies and rumours about me. He specifically said he was going to contact my then partner and tell him all manner of horrible, personal things about me; some true and some not. DH also rang round my family and told them I was working as an escort (I was not, nor have I ever, I think it was the most damaging thing he could come up with). The absolute embarrassment and shame of having to discuss this with my family was awful. And DH was doing it to be nasty. He thrived on threatening me and making me sick with worry. He was hurt and he wanted to hurt me. It showed me another side of him that I hadn't seen before.

He would also go through my phone any opportunity he got (we have 3 DC so he's been in the house for pick up and drop off).

At that point I began suffering badly with MH issues. The stress and strain of the marriage breakdown and being bullied by my ex plus a relationship that was abusive eventually led me to have a nervous breakdown. At that point I was suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I became very, very ill for a period of weeks. I functioned enough to look after the DC but one day I came home to find social services on my doorstep. They'd had an anonymous tip-off they told me, so they'd come round to assess the situation. I was flabbergasted as there was no way I needed SS involvement. It was crazy! They went away and nothing more was said.

Whilst this was going on, DH refused to give back his doorkey which left me feeling very vulnerable and he generally bullied and threatened me. And it continues to this day. He has no respect, he will go over my head about things with the DC, he still goes through my phone. He says he doesn't believe a word I say, he is very controlling and he leaves every situation with a threat. Or just storms off. He NEEDS to be in control of everything.

SS became involved again because 'someone' had reported me and it turns out that they thought I was working as an escort!!!! There's been some sort of investigation going on but because the allegation is nonsense and my DC are very much loved and well cared for I've tried not to let it get to me. Until ex-DH said nastily that it was him who had told them that. I honestly could have cried. Due to BP I have anxiety issues and stress makes me ill. I can't be ill though or the children will suffer and it would give SS another reason to be involved.

On Thursday night last week my DC were away so I arranged to meet a friend in the pub. Unbeknown to me my ex-DH was also there with a friend (he lives hours away so it was really unexpected). We said hello pleasantly enough and then we left. Separately. I got back home, my friend and I went into the house, put some music on and sat down and chatted. At one point one of the dogs went into the porch and because they will chew up any shoe they find I followed them in - and got the shock of my life. Ex-DH was standing in the porch, black raincoat on with the hood up, just glaring at me. I asked him wtf he was doing and he said "It's your fault, you left the door open." Friend hadn't pushed it shut properly. He then started ranting and raving about what he'd heard, saying that he knew the truth now, etc., etc. All absolute rubbish and it came across as a bit of an act. He left in the end after arguing with my friend who was defending me against him. I honestly cannot describe the utter contempt ex-DH seems to have for me.

And this weekend things have come to a head. I asked him to wait to pick DC1 up because I had family down and they wanted to see her, he ignored me and went to the school, picked her up and took her. Didn't even text me, ignored my calls and then when I was frantic with worry he texted and said "What? DC1 didn't want to stay." She's young and should not have been put in the position of having to choose. It's making life for her stressful and she gets tearful because she feels the pressure. Ex-DH is oblivious to this and so utterly self-centered that he seems to believe that he can do no wrong.

I've ended up tonight just feeling anxious and tearful. I have no idea where his next 'attack' will come from and I can't trust him with my DC. I can't trust that he will behave in their best interests. I can't relax, I can't concentrate and I have no idea where to go from here. He has this horrible, threatening look in his eyes when he talks to me and I don't know how to cope with him. I don't know where to go from here. I feel cowed in fear and I have no idea how to deal with SS, what he might say in the future, what he might do with the DC. I don't trust him with my DC and that's awful.

Can anyone advise? Am I being stupid about the whole thing? I'm just desperate for advice and guidance. I was so pathetically grateful when my friend defended me against exDH - it showed me that I wasn't over-reacting. I have no one to talk to in RL and no partner so shouldering the strain is hard. I want to keep things amicable, I want to be friendly - if not friends - I want to hand the DC over with confidence but honestly this weekend I have caught myself wondering whether he's planning to commit suicide and take them with him. It's the sort of thing he would do and all the stories in the press recently have scared me. It's got the point where I'm scared if I don't hear from him and yet my adrenaline shoots through the roof when his name flashes up on my phone. He seems hellbent on hurting me and I don't know how to stop him. What can I do????

Sorry this is so long.

She needs to put bolts on the inside of the front door and keep them bolted. Then he can use the key but the door still won't open! Leaving by the back door, if it's possible, means that you never actually have to use the front door unless it's for someone you want to see.

How are you, op? Have SS called?

You can just read off a lot of your posts on this thread to WA, or DV Unit, and it would be enough to start them off, then they'd just talk to you nicely.

One more thing, when you feel the panic taking over and you get brain- freeze, do deep breathing - in through your nose counting to 3 and out through your mouth counting to 5, do that at least 3 times. This triggers a physical reaction in your brain and your autonomic system which then produce calming chemicals, and so you're better able to deal with people like SS and xh. Every time you feel fear coming, do the breathing. My neurology consultant told me about, as did my neuro-psych. They have both seen MRIs of brains calming down just under the influence of that breathing.

Agree that Women's Aid will give you the advice you need. I don't know if you are divorced yet, but that should sort out the rights you have over the home? They can advise you on that too.

I think he is assuming he has all the power as he is legally trained, he isn't expecting you to protect yourself in that way. Once you do and sort out how to keep your home private, he may well get worse, but it is needed to show him that you are getting your own life together. IME once you move on and get stronger the bully in them gets jealous, then bored and it can peter out a bit. So if you can try to break it into little steps - 1 being call women's aid - then you will be able to do all of the practicalities. They are used to women in your position calling and will be able to help you.

I really feel for you. My ex turned up after we split and I moved because of it. I was lucky that I could. However he seems to know where we are still and it is a horrible feeling. The anxiety can be triggered very easily for me, so I really feel for you and your situation. Just try to protect yourself first and foremost, to give yourself time to breath and get healthy again.

Oh God OP. I know a guy just like this, my friend's Ex. He has relentlessly harassed her in person, online and via text for so long. He was constantly reporting her business to the council, the fire brigade, the police etc with trumped up accusations. This is harassment, just like repeatedly reporting you to SS is harassment.

The only thing that stopped it was the involvement of solicitors and police. I know it sounds like a terrifying step to take but the police were great.

Is there anybody in RL who you can confide in and perhaps they can support you in approaching the police?

Agree with all above, please call a Women's Aid and enlist their help to make a plan of action.

But also I highly doubt he was 'coincidentally' in the pub if he lives hours away (couldn't quite work out if it was friend or dh) if dh I would think about how he knew you were out. For example he could be forwarding emails to another address or installed key logger software or tracking your phone.

Please get some help, the man is seriously unhinged.

Im sorry I haven't had time to read what other people have advised.

I would say that please see a good lawyer. Given the incident with him entering your home and shouting to make you feel vulnerable there is ever possibility that there will be sufficient evidence there for you get an order preventing him from coming close to you without notice given to him. This means that the order will be put in place before he has even realised that you have applied for it.

You also need to notify the police immediately. Once you get an order they need to be aware of that too.

The same solicitor should be able to advise you in relation to dealing with ss and arranging so that your husband can see the children but not have to have any direct contact with you.

You are obviously in a very vulnerable frame of mind but you do need to be proactive and act now. The more you can show that you are on the ball and tackling this issue head on, the less likely ss are to believe stories about you.

If you do see a solicitor it is imperative that you write down every incident that has happened where your ex has behaved badly. Make a not of dates, times and what was said. This diary will give credibility to your argument.

Sorry for being so wordy but I hope your situation resolves itself soon.

One more point - you do need to change the locks. By failing to do so you risk the police, court, ss etc not believing that you are genuinely afraid of him.

Good luck with everything and do tell us how things are.

Yes, a belated agreement - if you're up for it change the locks and sod the legalities .. depends how brave you feel. You aren't in a relationship with him now, haven't been for awhile. This must count for something, eh? How is contact with DC going otherwise? Are they ok? Want to see him etc?

I feel scared to read the new posts on this thread - I feel like I've let everybody down. I've done nothing today. Just buried my head in work. I honestly can't deal with anything yet.

I think if this were me, I'd be logging every incident with social services myself!!

A massive, nassive bear hug from me Chopin

I recognise your mn name and although it's all 'words on a screen' I feel a bit protective of you

Is there anyone, anyone at all you can tell? Someone who can support you discretely without gossiping all over town? Telling that one person will be a crutch to help support you - more than we can, although we'll still be here so keep posting

Chopin I really can reinforce the advice you have had to seek help. I would suggest contacting the police, because I am a police officer, but any of the agencies already recommended can help.

It is ok to have a day to bury your head in the sand, you are being put through the ringer. But gather your strength and make that call. He is stalking and harassing you and as someone who assesses such incidents, I can tell you - I would view your situation at the higher end of risk of repeat and escalation. I don't say this to frighten you, but to reassure you that you would be taken seriously and you will get good advice about how to move forward.

Good luck, and make the call.

Who do you feel you've let down, Chopin?

Darling, you can do this. You start easy by calling Women's Aid - or emailing them and linking this thread; that would be the 'easiest' way to start. They are the experts in this, they know how hard this is for you - they have spoken to countless women in your position. They aren't an info bureau, they are a support organisation and are very skilled at sensitively supporting women who are facing what you are.

If there is aything else that needs to be done to protect you, they will sensitively lead you, supporting you all the way - they won't push you to do what you're not ready for. There are many of us on here who have experienced their wonderful support and can testify to how carefully and sensitively they do it.

So, you have nothing to fear. You haven't let anybody down, you are a victim of a horrible situation - it's not your fault!

Six months ago i was in your position. Thought i was going mad and needed to be in hospital. Couldn't eat or sleep and was frantic at what stbx's next move would be. My advice? Start talking. I called 101 and told them about the harassment. They were amazing. Go to the doctor and tell them everything. I saw a few different doctors but they were all wonderfully supportive. Go to citizen's advice. All of this gave me my confidence back because people believed me and that was a great feeling. Keep all emails texts etc and print them off. Show them to people so they can see what you're up against.

Look, I know exactly how you feel. You want him to realise what he's doing and come to his senses. He won't. He only cares about how he feels. The bullying chips away at your self esteem and you feel like you're constantly asking, "why me?". It's not you, it's him. He's the problem. Don't engage because that's what he wants. Let him tie himself in knots.

I drove myself to the hospital to have dc2 - and home again. After a C-section

That's heart-breaking to read. Your life will be much better once you've dealt with this but I know how hard it must feel. Just try to make one move in the right direction. Tell someone.

Please OP, keep yourself safe.

Chopin you are brilliant leaving this bastard - that must have been total hell to get away from him but you said enough and you did it.

He's worked his way right into your head isn't he? Sweetie you can do this. You have a right to do this. he's got you brainwashed into giving him all this power and believing you have no rights, it's what abusers do. When you're ready you can start trying some of the brilliant advice on this thread, talk to some of the suggested agencies and you'll find a whole lot of support. He is legally not allowed to do this. He's only getting away with it because he's terrified you into keeping it a secret.

You don't have to do this on anyone's schedule, what a huge step you've taken just putting this into words and sharing it here.

Change the locks. The fact that it is a jointly owned house doesn't stop you from mislaying your keys.

Report him to the police as others have said, and take advice from a good solicitor. I don't think he is being quite so clever as he seems to think he is. Given that he is a magistrate, he seems to be taking some huge risks. An official warning or even injunction from the police and/or a solicitor may well be what he needs to pull him up short. Surely his coveted career as a magistrate will be over if he ends up with a police record, and that is the way he seems to be heading.

Another reason for needing good legal advice is the question of whether or not you can or should be trusting him with the children. He probably wouldn't be above using them as pawns in his efforts to control and intimidate you, and that could be very damaging for them (and for you).

You haven't let any of us down. You are having a seriously bad time, and have had for a very long time. No one expects you to change your mindset behaviour and feelings in the blink of an eye.

Small steps, lovely one, small steps. You can do it.

You take as long as you need, seriously. We'll be here for you whenever you are ready to give the bastard the shock of his life :)

Apologies to repeat, of course don't reply if you don't feel you are able to. But these two questions, I will highlight.

What do you need to be able to move forwards now? Even if it's impossible?

Secondly, somebody asked if you have a divorce lawyer. Do you?

He scares me. I know he wishes me harm and he will stop at nothing.

Rationally, I feel indignant on behalf of myself but the reality is every time he comes into the house (I can't stop him but I will get locks changed) he stands over me, sometimes in silence, and I am so scared. Not at what he'll do to me but the next bit of information that leaves his mouth - because often it's something which is going to cause me stress.

I saw an ex-bf tonight just for a chat and he was furious, outraged and speechless at what's going on. But I can't lean on him for support. My family will distance themselves because my mother has the attitude "Well he's hurt you but he hasn't hurt us so we'll be friends and let you get on with it."

He tried to call tonight to speak to DC. I missed the call and didn't call back. After everything he does he stills expects me to facilitate contact?! Which if they wanted to, I would. But they don't ask.

I don't have a divorce lawyer, no. Money is tight and I'm counting every penny at the moment. Just so that the DC can have an un disturbed life and do all the things they're used to doing (nothing amazing, just swimming, etc)

I understand you wanting your children to have their activities, but seeking legal counsel is more important for their well being than swimming lessons. They are seeing how he treats you and feeling your fear. That's not healthy for them. The best thing for them is a calm, unafraid mum.

Just take that one step. There are many firms that do free 1/2 hr consults. Look into it. I think you'll find that after you take one step, further steps will come more easily to you.

And don't feel you're letting us faceless mners down. We aren't important in this situation, love. You and your children are.

This thread gave me nightmares last night. It wasn't just the description of him standing outside in the rain with his mac on giving you the evil eye, it was more the fact that this man is in a position of power. These type of men (those with good respectable, "pillar of the community" type jobs) are often disgusting pigs when it comes to how they treat their wives. Their job gives them a measure of social legitimacy, meaning they don't have to reign in their behaviour.
I am actually a bit fearful for your life. He is unhinged.

Please phone 101 and talk to the police about Harassment.
Phone Women's aid, and keep phoning - evenings are supposed to be better.
Keep a record of what he does, write down as much as you can. If you can safely record him do.
You may well be able to get legal aid if there is enough record of abuse - and this is abuse.