Please - I desperately need help. A truly horrible situation

[ChopinLiszt]

I've nc for this. I've posted one or two threads recently and I'm worried about being outed.

I've been plucking up the courage to post this for such a long time but it feels like when I start to talk about it, the floodgates might open and I'm only coping at the moment by blocking most of it out.

Basically, ex-DH and I separated two and half years ago. I left him and we both went into other relationships. About six months into mine DH decided to be nasty and threatened constantly to spread lies and rumours about me. He specifically said he was going to contact my then partner and tell him all manner of horrible, personal things about me; some true and some not. DH also rang round my family and told them I was working as an escort (I was not, nor have I ever, I think it was the most damaging thing he could come up with). The absolute embarrassment and shame of having to discuss this with my family was awful. And DH was doing it to be nasty. He thrived on threatening me and making me sick with worry. He was hurt and he wanted to hurt me. It showed me another side of him that I hadn't seen before.

He would also go through my phone any opportunity he got (we have 3 DC so he's been in the house for pick up and drop off).

At that point I began suffering badly with MH issues. The stress and strain of the marriage breakdown and being bullied by my ex plus a relationship that was abusive eventually led me to have a nervous breakdown. At that point I was suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I became very, very ill for a period of weeks. I functioned enough to look after the DC but one day I came home to find social services on my doorstep. They'd had an anonymous tip-off they told me, so they'd come round to assess the situation. I was flabbergasted as there was no way I needed SS involvement. It was crazy! They went away and nothing more was said.

Whilst this was going on, DH refused to give back his doorkey which left me feeling very vulnerable and he generally bullied and threatened me. And it continues to this day. He has no respect, he will go over my head about things with the DC, he still goes through my phone. He says he doesn't believe a word I say, he is very controlling and he leaves every situation with a threat. Or just storms off. He NEEDS to be in control of everything.

SS became involved again because 'someone' had reported me and it turns out that they thought I was working as an escort!!!! There's been some sort of investigation going on but because the allegation is nonsense and my DC are very much loved and well cared for I've tried not to let it get to me. Until ex-DH said nastily that it was him who had told them that. I honestly could have cried. Due to BP I have anxiety issues and stress makes me ill. I can't be ill though or the children will suffer and it would give SS another reason to be involved.

On Thursday night last week my DC were away so I arranged to meet a friend in the pub. Unbeknown to me my ex-DH was also there with a friend (he lives hours away so it was really unexpected). We said hello pleasantly enough and then we left. Separately. I got back home, my friend and I went into the house, put some music on and sat down and chatted. At one point one of the dogs went into the porch and because they will chew up any shoe they find I followed them in - and got the shock of my life. Ex-DH was standing in the porch, black raincoat on with the hood up, just glaring at me. I asked him wtf he was doing and he said "It's your fault, you left the door open." Friend hadn't pushed it shut properly. He then started ranting and raving about what he'd heard, saying that he knew the truth now, etc., etc. All absolute rubbish and it came across as a bit of an act. He left in the end after arguing with my friend who was defending me against him. I honestly cannot describe the utter contempt ex-DH seems to have for me.

And this weekend things have come to a head. I asked him to wait to pick DC1 up because I had family down and they wanted to see her, he ignored me and went to the school, picked her up and took her. Didn't even text me, ignored my calls and then when I was frantic with worry he texted and said "What? DC1 didn't want to stay." She's young and should not have been put in the position of having to choose. It's making life for her stressful and she gets tearful because she feels the pressure. Ex-DH is oblivious to this and so utterly self-centered that he seems to believe that he can do no wrong.

I've ended up tonight just feeling anxious and tearful. I have no idea where his next 'attack' will come from and I can't trust him with my DC. I can't trust that he will behave in their best interests. I can't relax, I can't concentrate and I have no idea where to go from here. He has this horrible, threatening look in his eyes when he talks to me and I don't know how to cope with him. I don't know where to go from here. I feel cowed in fear and I have no idea how to deal with SS, what he might say in the future, what he might do with the DC. I don't trust him with my DC and that's awful.

Can anyone advise? Am I being stupid about the whole thing? I'm just desperate for advice and guidance. I was so pathetically grateful when my friend defended me against exDH - it showed me that I wasn't over-reacting. I have no one to talk to in RL and no partner so shouldering the strain is hard. I want to keep things amicable, I want to be friendly - if not friends - I want to hand the DC over with confidence but honestly this weekend I have caught myself wondering whether he's planning to commit suicide and take them with him. It's the sort of thing he would do and all the stories in the press recently have scared me. It's got the point where I'm scared if I don't hear from him and yet my adrenaline shoots through the roof when his name flashes up on my phone. He seems hellbent on hurting me and I don't know how to stop him. What can I do????

Sorry this is so long.

You aren't overreacting. It's not normal. He's wearing away at you so that you become accepting of he way he is treating you.

You need an injunction to keep him away from you. Ice no idea why you think he should have access to your phone that's madness. If it's a joint house you can't do anything about the keys however Id it's in your name change the locks. I'd severe contact and only liaise via email or a third party. This man thrives on control and he has it over you. You must stand up to him he is a bully.

Thank you so much for all responses - you've made me cry! I think I've become accustomed to his behaviour so it doesn't feel as bad to me - but you have all put it into perspective for me. I am scared of him and for my DC.

On the surface you would never guess. He accuses me of lying about EVERYTHING - even when I refute things he just takes no notice.

The other thing I forgot to mention is that he admitted to me recently that he's used cocaine. I told him that was an absolute deal breaker as far as contact with the DC is concerned. He just ignored me. And I don't know when or how much so SS wouldn't be interested. And this may out me but I think it's relevant - he's a magistrate. Which might possibly be when some of his power complex comes from, I don't know.

I feel so sad when I hear of friends DH being sweet and loving and protecting. Why does he wish me so much harm??

I'm not allowed legally to change the locks because it's a jointly-owned house but I think I'm going to anyway. I feel a bit silly telling the police... I don't really know what I'd say. When he was in the porch that night he also said he'd been spying on us through the window and saw that I'd ignored his calls on my phone. It was just horrifically invasive.

They've been separated 2.5 years. He lives somewhere else and has no excuse to come in. Surely most people would have lost their keys by now and had new locks. OP whoops - you've lost your keys! Time for a change.

It's nothing to do with you as a person, Chopin, that he wishes you harm, and everything to do with him. I knew he would have some kind of powerful job. This man should not be a magistrate. He's an abusive, misogynist bastard. So sorry for you being so frightened by his behaviour.

Got a tad carried away then, admittedly. Of course, locksmith first thing in the morning. Until then, leave key in lock and deadbolt everything.

Women's aid is a yes yes. Phone them. Engage as much help as possible.
So you have any suspicions that he has entered your home while you were out? What's his job OP?

He is trying to take you apart piece by small piece. Start fighting.

Can I ask why you separated?

I think he saw how fearful you were immediately when he started his nasty games spreading rumours, and got off on the power it gave him. The man shouldn't go near your DC. Contact SS tomorrow too - show them your OP if it's easier.

We are behind you.

Aswell as all the other advice I would suggest keeping a detailed log of all his behaviour, and keep all text and e-mails.
Dont feel silly about contacting the police, his behaviour sounds like stalking to me (?)

Thank you, thank you everyone. Yes, will sort locks tomorrow.

I really don't understand the nastiness. He said the other night (when we were out) that I looked like someone from the Jeremy Kyle show I really didn't.

Sorry - slow typist.
Christ on a Bike OP.
Get this ball rolling and start fighting.

Yes, you have 'lost' your keys.
Do you know anyone techie minded? I'd considering installing CCTV around your property. Is your phone a smart phone? Is it possible he's connected you to his devices/his iCloud? I am a total novice but can anyone advise her on how to check for this?

Nasty, nasty fucker.
He knows he's hurting you and he is getting off on it.
Build your defences, starting now and start getting angry.
How DARE he bully you like this.

And also I would get a PAYG SIM - and cheap handset. Give him that as your new number. And then leave it switched off. Only check once a day or even less. Same for email - get a new email address and use it solely for him. And if he needs to communicate it is only via text or email - and obvs don't delete any of it. And he only speaks to you re contact. This talking to you, telling you stuff, engaging on any level with you stops now.

Yikes OP - that is really horrid, and as others have said more, you certainly need to start getting some external help to get his boundries back in place - he won't start to behave normally on his own. Police 101 and Women's Aid, and just tell them what you've told us and I'm sure you'll get good support.

One practical thing - do you not have a passlock code set on your phone? Make it impossible for him to access your phone - if he asks for the code, just say you don't think that's appropriate any more. Its a first step whilst you work on reclaiming the door keys!

Where are you up to ito legal separation? Are you divorced? What's the deal with the house.

I'd also suggest you keep rebuilding your support network. It's great that you were there with a friend who supported you - be honest with her, and I'm sure she'll continue her support. Don't be afraid to open up a little to people, and try and keep getting 'out there' whether it's talking to other mums at the park or meeting up for drinks/having them round to your house in the eve. The more support you have, the better.

He needs to be stopped asap. He is vile. He said that you looked like someone from the JK show fucking idiot. Clearly do not entertain any response to him he has a tiny brain! He sounds unstable and shouldn't be around dc on his own. It's hard but never ever show him that you fear him. He is an overgrown school boy bully and karma is a bitch when it comes knocking for him

I think u have done well to put up with this for so long. Please tell us what the police/ss advise - make it soon. Thoughts are with you.

I change the code on my phone regularly but the DC know it because they play games on it so he just asks them - or he watches me put the code in when I need to use it.

Chopin, until this is sorted, the your phone is out of bounds. You must tell your DC that. YY to a PAYG phone and he can contact you via that. Keep it switched off and check it just once a day.

Why did you split OP? If that's too intrusive a question then don't answer. I'm just trying to figure this man out.

You think he has power because he's a magistrate.... He also has a lot to lose and as an officer of the court he is bound by all manner of rules, which he is more than likely breaking.

Report his ass to the Police.

Not intrusive Hex
We split because I basically felt like he was just another child. He had no emotional control, his moods dominated the household. I have quite a traditional view of marriage and I would spend hours in the evenings just waiting for him to pay attention to me - he never did. I'd ask and he'd reply with yes, Im here, what else do you want??

Our house also had/has a real mould problem. It spread everywhere like wildfire within six months of moving in. But he never did a thing about it. I begged for seven years for help to sort it, I was petrified about mould spores. One DC has asthma and another is immuno-compromised, but he just ignored me. I couldn't do anything myself because he wouldn't let me have a bank account. I didn't even have his bank card to use until 5 years into the marriage.

Oh and he didn't drive. Wouldn't learn. I drove myself to the hospital to have dc2 - and home again. After a c-section. My respect for him just eroded.

He didn't feel like my partner, he really felt like a child. So I told him it was over.

Can you get a second hand mobile cheaply off eBay for kids to play with?

Keep yours with you at all times & change the code on it and don't input code in front of your ex.

I would change locks and put deadbolts on doors.

He sounds like a psycho.

So he was emotionally abusive and controlling, no surprise there then!

I understand that you feel it's too insignificant to tell the police and you don't know what to say - but so many people on this thread have given it to you as an option. It IS serious, he's committed actual crimes here. I know there is a bit of a joke on MN about "calling 101" for every little thing, but this really isn't that. It needs reporting because he is actually threatening you and harassing you and this is a crime. He doesn't have the right to make you feel frightened and stressed out like this, and he's wasting the time and money of social services too which are a very strained organisation at the moment.

You can google the phone number of your local station or walk in if you don't want to call. Write everything down so that you can read off the list, or even just give them the list. They will take you seriously, I promise. Hopefully a MNer who is a police officer or whose DH is a police officer might be along as some point to confirm this - I know there are a few on here. I think this is really important, though - firstly they might actually be able to do something proactive such as banning him from coming near the house, it doesn't matter if it's jointly owned (and yes, change the locks anyway).

I would tell them this, in this order:

• He has made a malicious, untrue allegation about you to social services. He also contacted your partner at the time and several members of your family in order to further this allegation which caused you significant distress.
• Recently he followed you home, took advantage of a door which might have been left open and stood, uninvited, in your porch for (x amount of time). When he was discovered he acted in a threatening manner and was verbally abusive and only left because your friend asked him to leave.

You could also mention that he generally acts threatening and nastily towards you, if this is true.

It's really not insignificant.

Bloody hell op

This is serious! You've been abused for years and this last lot is him ramping it up.

• Police, asap. Tell them what you've said here - they will immediately recognise it as (worrying) abuse
• Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247. Call at night, 7pm-7am, as lines busy during the day. Or email this thread to them
• Do the Freedom Programme - Google Freedom Programme, click 'find a course' - hopefully you're in the UK? If so there should be a course near you that you can start immediately - it will open your eyes.

You have enough clear evidence to get legal protection from him re a restraining order. I am not a lawyer but I imagine there is clear evidence to get him convicted.

I'm talking over my words here I'm so astounded at the level of intimidation. You must get the police onto this. He's made you think it's normal yet your terror indicates it's anything but.

Keep going, lovely xx

Falling over my words!

His behaviour now sounds just like the way my dad was to us when he split from my mum. Don't feel silly contacting the police, please do it. I have memories of barracading ourselves in a bedroom to escape him as he'd got into our house again. He followed my mum, spread lies about her, screamed abuse down the phone and through the letter box. It ended eventually once my mum was able to get an injunction but it has scarred my family. I'm sorry you are suffering.

And yes as others have said - document everything.