Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

He does not see his actions as being that bad. I am worse for breaking up the family apparently.

Yeah, mine was that I called the police. Go figure. I wonder what goes through their minds. Do they actually think they are not to blame? (not that it matters)

You need to tell the truth to your children in an age appropriate way.

I have done this. The DC all saw what he did, my eldest really remembers this and said just today that she understands why we can't live together. I did tell them that if a husband hits a wife then she has to leave, even though it is hard its the best thing to do because nobody should ever live like that.

I don't bitch about her daddy to her at all, but I did present her that in a very matter of fact way - its just the way things are, even if daddy says he is going to be better it doesn't change what he did. But he loves you and you will always see him, etc. I have not pointed out that he doesn't seem to see them very much, but sadly I think they will come to figure this out for themselves over the years.

He has had ten years to sort himself out, he didnt bother because he enjoyed bullying you too much

Yes, this angers me too. He is not changing because he realised he was playing a part in our bad marriage. He was not changing after he hit me, but is only pledging to do so now I have left him, and it's apparent that a divorce is going through. If I took that threat away he would be back to his old ways in no time. I loved him so much, but he just can't be the man I wanted him to be, and tried to help him to be. He enjoyed the power and the control and continued to abuse me with it.

He would be the same with his DDs once they are older I am sure.

Lweji - Do they actually think they are not to blame?

Yes, I think H truly believes this. I am sure he will tell his family this, which is fine by me as long as I am out of the situation. But I am beginning to see that he will never accept what he did as wrong, and says it was a symptom of our underlying unhappiness, but yet he did nothing to make the marriage better.

So if it happened again it would be my fault again, for slipping back into my old ways, i.e. asking him where he was going, or paying my children more attention than him, etc. I would never win because he believes he is always right.

Name I've read your entire thread. You are an AMAZING mom. You are doing so very well. You are also teaching your DC valuable life lessons.

He is insisting the cause of our problems is us not communicating enough

Well, I guess insisting is all he has left.

Please be careful as he realises power is slipping from his grasp. Don't forget that he is a violent man.

Thanks Beyonce, I really don't feel like a good mum at the moment at all, but your kind words are appreciated. I do hope me and my children are ok in the future, and that this will all be ok in the end.

I just want them to from up happy and protected and feeling as important as every other child or adult that they know. They just cannot grow up being second-best to me, H or our screwed up relationship.

Please be careful as he realises power is slipping from his grasp.

I'm not looking forward to this - he is dropping DC off to me on Tuesday, and I am expecting some more emotional pressure from him then.
Next week he has a family wedding to attend, which, funny enough, he did not ask to take the DC to. Yet he wanted to turn up uninvited to my family wedding last weekend - he wants the DC there when I am there and it's easy to see them, but doesn't want to have sole responsibility for them at an event by himself. I really hope this quest for 50/50 custody fizzles out quickly.

You said it's predictable - is this a standard thing that men demand once their little kingdom is under threat? SHL is on annual leave over the half term, but I am dying to discuss it with him.

It's all part of the script.

ExH didn't ask for 50-50 because I had offered it initially (before it all hit the fan). So, he threatened to go for full custody and to leave with DS. Whatever hits you the worst.

That must have been worrying Lweji? How did he go from requesting full custody to just having restricted access?

H would not be able to look after the DC himself as he works all week, and so cannot do school pick ups - at a stretch he could drop off DC, and then have them in after-school club every day till 6pm and then pick up, but even then he would struggle to do this. Plus it would mean uprooting the DC again back to their old city and school, this time without me to support them.

He would probably get the ILs to come and live with him so they can do drop-offs and pick ups, so that would solve that problem entirely.

I have always worked my hours around the children and still do all drop offs and pickups as I did before, and look after them by myself. I'm far more capable of parenting them than he is.

I walked out with DS and eventually put a residency petition to the court, as well as a request for supervised contact only. At the moment it's under his appeal, but the court basically gave me free reign over contact. In this case, court delays work on my (actually DS's) favour.

But the point is that he never actually wanted full responsibility over DS. It was just a threat.
He didn't take him from school, or applied to court, even discussed residency very much. He is not very reliable with contact (got better) and just wants to take him on holiday.

But, I got stung badly before for underestimating him in many aspects, so I'm definitely not giving any chances unless I feel he can be trusted. And DS is old enough to make his own choices.

My blood ran cold with his "there is no end" comment. What a controlling bastard.

I'm not looking forward to this - he is dropping DC off to me on Tuesday, and I am expecting some more emotional pressure from him then.

So don't be there!

SHL is on annual leave over the half term, but I am dying to discuss it with him.

I read once about not treating your divorce lawyer as a counsellor - it's far too expensive! I'm not saying you're doing that, but just thought I'd mention it.

i agree with vivaca, dont be there. get a family member to do the handover. any contact with you feeds his belief that he is making inroads to getting you back under his control. i know you are feeling strong but he has too much to lose.

Argh, he is messaging me today. I can't stop contact because he has the children. He was planning to take them to a theme park tomorrow with his friend and children, but they can't make it now, and so they have backed out. He asked if I would like to come instead - the DC would absolutely love it, I'm sure, but I said No, I can't make it.

He doesn't know what to do with them or where to take them. I suggested a few things and have left it at that. He is messaging me - I can't take them swimming because I don't have a hairdryer. I can't take them to the park because it's raining etc.

He is starting to see what it is like to be a parent. And is actually attempting to entertain them for the first time ever. They did park and movie/pizza night yesterday so he is out of options already.

I wonder what he is thinking about 50/50 custody now.

I read once about not treating your divorce lawyer as a counsellor - it's far too expensive! I'm not saying you're doing that, but just thought I'd mention it.

Good point Vivacia, you are so right about this. I will try to step away. I feel like MN is my counsellor at the moment. Please don't ask for payment, I'd owe you a fortune with my continual ramblings!

Disengage!!

Thank you Vivacia! I am doing so now, I promise. No replying to messages today unless it's a child-related emergency.

Am going to start enjoying my weekend off instead of hovering over them.

Oh, and just booked a second v cheap week away with children over the summer hols.

Sounds like a productive start! What else have you got planned?

Nothing! I had dinner and drinks with sis and nephews yesterday, supposed to watch a film but nattered till late instead.

Had a lie in today, now I am working so next week is a bit easier for me (and I have some money to pay for the holidays!)

It's actually lovely and very relaxing to just work and know it's not a case of cramming everything in ready to leave for school run - I can work at my own pace till late if I want to without interruption apart from my constant MNing.

I am not seeing anyone today but might pop out and say hello to sis/cousins/someone later if I fancy it. But otherwise I'll get stuff done on my loooong to-do list, far quicker and easier without the little ones about, and then movie and bed and another lie-in tomorrow morning. Bliss.

I never thought I would enjoy this, but I am already loving it. Maybe because I know it's only for a few days.

I think that's definitely the reason.

It sounds lovely.

he's never had to do the lone parent thing has he? glad youre enjoying your time off - you deserve it. i dont know you but i feel proud of you. your kids are lucky to have such a great mum x

I wouldn't be too surprised if you don't get until Tuesday without a knock on the door and a "er, they were missing you"...

Transparent attempt to trick you into a family day out, eh? Well done on not falling for that. You can just imagine the amount of "isn't this nice eh girls, you see if we lived together we could do this all the time" that would go on. #shudder#

Well done on saying no to the keys, too. Wtf does he need keys for anyway? Apart from rifling through your papers while you're out, oh and preventing you from sleeping peacefully in case he decides to pay you a visit in the middle of the night

I can't imagine a court would require you to move closer to his work. I used to commute for longer than 1.5 hours on a daily basis, as many other people do.

Oh NC, you are wonderful.

You do absolutely the right thing with your children - they are so lucky to have you, showing them the way.

Keep all the texts, emails etc. You never know when you may need them.

I second the suggestion that you get someone else to do handover on Tuesday. Maybe one of your relatives could at least be ther with you, standing at your shoulder at the door? Better would be if they open the door and you call the children in from the sitting room while your relative blocks the door to him. I am assuming he's bringing them back to your home? (Could you rearrange it so handover happens somewhere else?)