Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

only you can gauge what to say to the kids, based on their characters. i think you can say "daddy made mummy sad and now mummy is happy". as for why they rarely see him, just back up his story that hes busy working. with time they will suss him out.

I agree that it's a difficult balance to get right. They need to make their own mind up, but they also need reassurance that their feelings are ok.

I think it's a credit to both you and your daughter that she felt able to mention something to you that hasn't quite made sense and has been playing on her mind. She's right to wonder why dad is crying on the one hand, but not seeing her on the other hand. Secondly, I thought your response was the right one - you calmly pointed out that he is welcome and able to see her far more than he does.

Of course, it shows that he's a self-centred manipulator, but we knew that already. You've already taken steps to protect her from this.

They saw him with his hand around my throat,

I don't think I've read that from you before. Did you know it is generally seen as a greater indicator than punching?

midori I hope you are ok I'm sorry to hear you are going through similar.

I googled the Freedom Programme and found one around 40mins away. They had daytime and evening options which was very handy.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

They deliberately don't put up very many details on the site - no time or exact place - to keep you safe.

It's not the 'cure' or fix to the situation but I have found this, and the book 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft very useful in understand H's behaviour. I hope it's helpful to you.

i think you can say "daddy made mummy sad and now mummy is happy'

It's only really my eldest who questions and challenges why I left, the 5 and 2yo have just accepted it immediately and don't ever ask. sadly my eldest saw it all and does understand/remember this.

It's horrible that she saw it but I hope when she is only she will understand by decision, and will make the same decision herself if she ever finds herself in a bad relationship.

as for why they rarely see him, just back up his story that hes busy working. with time they will suss him out.

They have already started making very small comments - asked H why they always have to go to his mums house and why he doesn't ever take them back to our old house. Also complained that they went to the same park every day with either him or his mum and didn't do anything else all week long.

But I don't know if this is just children complaining for the sake of it iyswim?

Seeing them for just 3 days over half term is pretty rubbish imo, esp when I see so many other dads taking this week off, and going away with their children etc, whereas mine can't even muster up the cash or enthusiasm to do this when he is not living with them. I think DD did also notice this, it's horrible for her to think she doesn't matter enough to him.

They saw him with his hand around my throat

I don't think I've read that from you before. Did you know it is generally seen as a greater indicator than punching?

Yes, he did do this, and the police didn't take any pics, I didn't either which I really regret. Two good bits of advice if anyone is physically hurt - take pics of all of your injuries, scratches, cuts, bruises, even if the police don't do this, and also go to the gp and get the injuries recorded straight away, even if you aren't going to do anything with this. I only thought to do this because of MN and it was a bit late as my neck scratches and cuts had healed but he did record my bruises.

Sorry if I am being dense, but what is the hand around the throat an indicator of? Not of wanting to kill me? He was angry but not to that extent. I am by excusing him at all but I think it was his natural reaction to grab me my neck rather than deleibrately picking that area iyswim. Why is it worse than punching do you think?

Going for the neck is to kill, or at least to leave that impression on the victim.

Punching is very aggressive, and it can kill too (where I live a man was recently convicted of killing his partner as a consequence of a hard slap...), but the neck is a particularly sensitive area and where you actually kill with your bare hands. No other area of the body guarantees it.
And it only takes a bit longer of pressing the neck to kill someone.

I missed that bit last night, but what the children have witnessed is quite serious. Despite the lack of evidence, have you tried to talk to professionals and get them support? They shouldn't have to handle this alone and at some point he may well turn on them, when they challenge him, and are stroppy and so on.

Yeah, what Lweji said, all of it.

It's horrible that she saw it but I hope when she is only she will understand by decision, and will make the same decision herself if she ever finds herself in a bad relationship.

I'd present it less as your decision and more as a fact. "When a man attacks you like that, even if you love him, you have to leave him and not be in a relationship with him any more".

Add, "That's just the way it is, even if it makes us a bit sad at times. Now, shall we...[something lovely]".

Also what Vivacia said.

It is what I tell DS, as he also witnessed violence from exH on me and it was the ultimate reason I left him.

At the time I consulted a psychologist, who made an assessment and thought DS was handling it well, and had the tools to healthily deal with it.

4 years down the line he is doing very well, but contact with his dad has been supervised, mostly online actually, with a no nonsense approach from me, and very strict boundaries.
I put myself a court action to get residency legally recognised and visitation regulated.

Hmmm... just back from dropping off the DC to him. I wanted to see him and face him and not just 'hide away' like he suggested I would. I am glad I did this.

We met at a local cafe DC really like and had breakfast and a quick chat. Basics were that he wants us to try mediation/counselling. I said these are different things but he has been in touch with someone who said they can help. I said I don't want this.

He said he will attend the abusers course, but believes they are money-grabbing and very unprofessional, but will do so if it makes me happy, and will sell the marital home, even though he thinks this is a bad idea and will lose us money in the long run.

He doesn't know why I am willing to throw away 10 years of marriage so quickly and easily, and how I can rip apart the girls lives, whilst only thinking of myself in the process.

I asked if he was thinking in the girls best interest when he grabbed me by throat, hit my head, pulled me onto the floor by my leg and ordered me into the baby's room so he could continue. He said he stopped immediately when I said 'don't do this in front of the children' (he didn't).

He agreed that he showed no remorse for the effects of his actions on me or the kids for the remaining 3 weeks I stayed with him, and that his aggression and anger got worse, not better. But he said he did not want to discuss this now, and would only do so with the mediator present. I said I don't want mediation.

He offered me a straight split of assets, 50/50, which would give me enough cash for a 1-2 bed flat at the most. But he was pushing me to name a figure, which I did not do.

He said he will be fighting for the kids, and wants 50/50 access, and seeing them once every 3 weeks is not enough for him. (I have never restricted access to him, he chooses when he sees them and I always agree).

His thoughts are that as his job is based 1.5h away, and I work from home, the courts will make me live closer to him and the kids will stay with us one week/month each alternatively. If not, he will buy a flat close to where we live now, round the corner from me, and he will have the kids to stay with him that way.

I said nothing. i was calm throughout. Did not argue. I am digesting this. The nice, loving part of me wanted to say great, I will give this a go, and we can make this work, but the truth is my head is no longer in that place of wanting to make this work. At least not today! I kept firm, no commitments, and stated clearly that I didn't want to do mediation or for the marriage to continue. I was friendly/civil throughout.

I wish deeply we were not putting our DDs through this. They were very happy to see him, and said how they missed him and missed our family being all together, and if they had one wish it would to be together again. I didn't comment on this. I told him crying infront of the DC was not acceptable, he said he can't help this. I said if I can keep my emotions under check infront of them then so can he. He said it's easier for me because I have them all of the time, unlike him.

When he left he asked if I wanted to join them on a day out on Monday, I said I will have a think. He also asked for the keys to our marital house, I refused to give them.

Afterwards, he started contacting my uncle again via text. My uncle kept it brief but suggested that as I have made up my mind, he should perhaps consider that this is over and think about moving on. My uncle asked H if he has received the divorce papers yet. H said no. He didn't say 'oh, when did she serve them/i haven't checked my post yet/how sad'. Just one word, no. So he is lying again. He has the papers.

They are back home with me on Tuesday, I will do something nice with them then.

Just wanted to get this down whilst I remembered the conversation.

Lweji I'm glad your son is doing ok

I have spoken to school welfare officer about DD1 and her concerns and we are looking into doing a CAF referral for her.

Namechanger, have you had any legal advice?

If he sees the kids once every 3 weeks, you are entitled to more than 50% of the assets, surely.

Please stop engaging with this abuser and, for the benefit of your dc, get what you are entitled to. If this man had his hands round your throat in front of the dc you don't even owe him the time of day, let alone a chat about the merits if perpetrator courses, and certainly not half the marital assets.

They are so predictable aren't they? "I want 50-50"

I think that you handled this really well. A few weeks ago I think you'd have been sucked in to AllAboutHim and being compliant. You're now calm and assertive.

Why did you want to have a chat with him in the cafe though?

I remember your thread.

He may seem reasonable now, but I'd strongly advise you against believing it.

He has shown you how he is. You shouldn't have said "don't do it in front of the children". He simply shouldn't have done it in the first place!!!

I doubt any courts will force you to live closer to his work.

Good for you for standing your ground and not giving the keys. I wouldn't join them in a family day. It will just confuse the children.

He is using him getting contact with them to manipulate you into going back to him. Well done for being strong. No more chats in future. Lawyer only I reckon.

Good for you, NC. I see why you wanted to go face to face with him, just to show yourself you could, and you did. Your handling of that situation was impeccable. You don't need to do it again, though. And you definitely shouldn't be joining any "happy family" nonsense. That will only confuse your children more and raise their hopes unnecessarily - prolong the agony. Let them get used to the reality, you and dad are no longer together.

Your SHL will ensure you get what is fair (more likely 60/40 or even 70/30) and if a Court orders that he has to sell the house and give you all the assets, then that's what he'll have to do.

I hope that the CAF meeting happens, and that in the end he gets only supervised contact. He is not a good person for them to be around.

Meanwhile, enjoy your weekend.

He's trying to scare you in to getting back together with all that drivel.
It's him that needs to be very careful, because he could very likely end up with supervised visits only, because of what he did to you.

Here I may get flamed.

I would be absolutely horrified if you attempted to take your children back into the environment that you described above.

Whilst I do not know if you have explained to your eldest what her dad did was wrong, I certainly hope you did or do.

Your children need to know his behaviour was wrong & illegal and that's why he no longer lives with them.

You need to tell the truth to your children in an age appropriate way.

Cafes, breakfasts.......why? The man is dysfunctional.....

He will never be normal. He did that in front of his own child. A bastard of the worst sort.....

well done nc. no counsellor will work with a couple where there has been physical violence. vivaca is right about the neck throttling, it puts you at high risk of being killed according to the wa scale. do not let him minimise the seriousnesd of this. keep your boundaries clear and do not join in a family day put. he is subtly trying to find an opening with you. you were strong at the cafe but if he gets you on a weak day, you may falter. dont let him have any false hope. he has had ten years to sort himself out, he didnt bother because he enjoyed bullying you too much.

have you had any legal advice? If he sees the kids once every 3 weeks, you are entitled to more than 50% of the assets, surely.

I do have legal advice, I have a barrister I am using. H doesn't have any legal advice as yet (I think), and so he is just repeated things he has read online. I am absolutely certain I would get more than 50%, however, as I am now living close to family/parents/siblings in London I would need 100% of the assets to be able to afford even a 3 bed flat/house in this area. I really don;t want to live further away from them as it will be hard as a single parent and I will be relying on their emotional and practical support. So my worry is not getting enough of our assets from him.

They are so predictable aren't they? "I want 50-50" hmm. I think that you handled this really well. A few weeks ago I think you'd have been sucked in to AllAboutHim and being compliant. You're now calm and assertive.

Yes, I would have been totally sucked in a few weeks ago. Today I was telling myself, it's fine to feel sorry for him when he is speaking to me, just don't make any promises and see how I feel once I am away from him. And when I left I realised I still have to leave and any promises of change just aren't sincere enough to guarantee any change. He is insisting the cause of our problems is us not communicating enough, but I have tried so hard to do this over the years of our marriage and he has always deliberately resisted with one word answers. So I am not prepared to keep putting myself through this any more.

He went out one day (after he hit me, in the final 3 weeks of our marriage) and wouldn't say where. He came back with a dress for our 5yo. She said to me 'Ah, mummy, that means daddy must have gone out shopping then'. This really, really angers me, she should not have to be second guessing where her daddy has gone.

He may seem reasonable now, but I'd strongly advise you against believing it.

I don't believe it anymore, even though I would really, really love it for his words to be true. It would take him a couple of weeks max to go back to his old hard-wired ways of treating a woman as his property and not his equal. I cannot do this to my children, or to me anymore.

He has shown you how he is. You shouldn't have said "don't do it in front of the children". He simply shouldn't have done it in the first place!!!

this is the problem, he sees what he did was a one off, and he was wrong, he needs to control his temper better, and we need to communicate better. Yet he was never sorry that he hit me. And I just don't know any other man that would even think of doing that to his wife. He does not see his actions as being that bad. I am worse for breaking up the family apparently.

I doubt any courts will force you to live closer to his work.
I really, really hope not. SHL seems to think they wouldn't as DC are now settled in school and would be uprooted. I don't know who is giving him these ideas.

Good for you for standing your ground and not giving the keys. I wouldn't join them in a family day. It will just confuse the children.

Thank you - it was difficult to not give him keys, and I realised that I will always be fighting him in this was - his instinct is always to bully me into things. I text him and said I can't do family day on Monday. Esp as the day trip is planned with his best friend, wife and children, and I would be tagging along and being polite, and kids would remember what its like to have mummy and daddy together again. Not fair on them at all.

Good for you, NC. I see why you wanted to go face to face with him, just to show yourself you could, and you did. Your handling of that situation was impeccable. You don't need to do it again, though.

Yes, I needed to show him I am not scared of him and I will not be hiding away. I am really glad I did this and gained confidence from handling it well without going into meltdown. I will get better at this over time, but for now he knows I am strong and my mind is made up even though I am feeling sad it's over.