Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Mine sabotaged every big event, bestfriend's hen night, gig, you name it, he threw a hissy fit or 'suddenly put his back out' (meaning I would have to come back and look after the dc). Just goes to show how ground down I was.

Can't believe I didn't see that for what it was.

'In the meantime, we are awesome. We left. We did not put up with this shit.'

Amen to that.

Weed yes! Are you me? My 7yo also says she misses us living together.

My birthdays were horrendous. I never received presents for it, but on his I would bake a cake and get him thoughtful gifts, which he complained about.

For my 40th birthday, I did get presents. The main present was bought off ebay, second-hand, I later found out. The present he gave from the kids was a free bottle of perfume he got from work. It had a tester sticker on the front of it. No card, no cake, no restaurant booking. But he did drink too much at the party I organised myself, and then vomitted in the bed after. Which I cleaned up.

For his 40th he bought himself a sports car, out of our joint account.

I got 'told off' because although I organised Xmas single-handedly, he felt forgotten and neglected because I didn't pay him enough attention when my sis, BIL, bro, 2 nieces and 2 nephews came to stay .

How trying to make a marriage with someone who hits you, controls you, gaslights you and seems intent on making you miserable is just an impossible task flowers Indeed.

Handy and name madness! Yep every single gig I attended without him was ruined because the build up was awful and I'd get bollocked or a smack afterwards, dependent how drunk he was, so I just ended up not going. I was a shadow of my former self.

I'm going to three festivals and 3 live gigs in the next 3 months and I will REVEL in the Freedom. He's making me come back a day early from one so he can go on a bike ride but the fact that I'm even going us a big fuck you to him.

We should put this slogan on our fridge:
In the meantime, we are awesome. We left. We did not put up with this shit.'

I'm not letting that bastard take another day of my life away from me. (I say this now, tomorrow I'll be weeping and feeling sorry for myself again!)

Do they read a guide for abusers do you think?

Mine sabotaged every big event, bestfriend's hen night, gig, you name it, he threw a hissy fit or 'suddenly put his back out' (meaning I would have to come back and look after the dc). Just goes to show how ground down I was.
Yes! He always, always came home from work just a little bit later on the days I wanted to go out, so I couldn't make it or would be late. Or suddenly had plans later on on the same night, so I could only go out for a bit and would have to come home early so he could go out later.

Obviously I meant he said people who go to university (like I did) are sheep
Yes again! I have a degree and a PhD. This is a bad thing, as (according to him) I am a bookworm, always have my head stuck in a book. He would get annoyed on motorway journeys that I would want to read and not look at the scenery. This was on the M40. At night.

He went on holiday once with my family and because they had bacon sandwiches for breakfast instead of his preferred cereal, he sat in our room sulking reading all day and then went home. He had the cereal but he was annoyed that we didn't!
Argh, just nuts. That feeling of knowing, no matter what you are doing or how perfectly you are behaving, you will still be doing something wrong. Mine was annoyed I got his dad a birthday present, because I bought it on impulse when out shopping, and didn't consult him. It didn't matter that H had no intention of buying anything at all.

In the meantime, we are awesome. We left. We did not put up with this shit
Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I agree with pocket and handywoman. I divorced my exH over 12 years ago. I still get text messages now and then and have been contacted via Friends Reunited (where he must have gone into my old school listing to actually find me!) Basically he's just asking how I am, would love to speak to me, hoping life is treating me well and how he 'often thinks of the good times we had together' and that he 'misses me'. I ignore every bloody one. If I were interested I would still be with him. I left him because of 13 years of DV, am happily married and have no interest in my ex whatsoever. He is also remarried and I'd love to know what his wife thinks about his texting his ex wife with those messages! Good luck to her as she'll need it I think!

My ex didn't make a murmur when we were divorcing when we separated he left me messages on my voicemail calling me an f-ing bitch and I realised then he would never change so started the official divorce), he didn't contest anything. But within 3 weeks of the final papers being signed he was texting, went round to my best friend's house asking her to intercede to get me back (she told him where to go in no uncertain terms), went round to my sister's (same outcome). The finality of it made him realise he didn't have a relationship anymore and he couldn't accept it. Took a year to settle down. Then he found out I was remarried with a DS (stupid of me to go onto Friends Reunited but I refuse to live my life under his control when I don't even live with him anymore) so the text started.

These people are all about control. I now know there's only one person who should control me - and she's typing this post!

Good luck. You're doing the right thing. I know exH and I had some good times but I remember being in my little flat just after the divorce. I realised on that day that I never again had to wait to hear the key in the lock, nor had to judge what mood he'd be in before he got into the room where I was and have to change my behaviour to suit that mood. Boy was it liberating! With my DH I look forward to hearing the door go, because, even if he's had a shitty day, it's the day at fault - not me. That's a normal relationship and one I treasure.

He wouldn't get up till 7.30am, and if kids were not awake he would literally drag them out of bed, by feet, shouting at them.

WTAF? I am so proud of you for protecting your daughters from this kind of childhood.

Oh and the thing about half term dates - get out of the habit of doing his parenting for them. Tell him the school provides those.

Annie leaving after 23 years - that must have been so hard. How did you adjust to being single? And how did your children cope?

23 years, well, depends how you count it. We did a year's courting, married, I called time 23 years later, spent 2 years organising the divorce during which we lived together (not recommended!) and then a few more months selling the house before we finally moved apart. So we were together 23, 24, 25 or 26 years. I tend to think of it as 23 years of proper married life. By the time I moved into my own house I'd had a couple of years to observe him from an outsider's perspective, as it were, and it definitely cured me of any wistfulness about our relationship ending.

How did I adjust? Not sure I did - I'm not the world's most adjusted person It was weird for me because I had never lived on my own before. I did have a bad-tempered little parakeet for company but it's not quite the same! It has since died and been replaced by two cats.

DS4 was the only one who was technically a child when we split. We had joint residency at first, a week with each by turns (so I was really only alone every other week), but that ended when the school, backed up by SS, took an interest and he came to live with me permanently. DS1 left to get married, 2 and 3 stayed with their dad at first because, they said, he needed them more, but eventually couldn't stand it and joined us. (They've since moved out again for work, I miss them but they are doing so well in life I can't be sorry.)

My sister and brother were both tremendously supportive and I had some brilliant friends (one of whom introduced me to Mumsnet, for which I shall forever be grateful). I turned up at my bro's doorstep with an overnight bag one time and he and the excellent Mrs Bro just let me in, no questions, spare bed made up, cup of tea and box of tissues at the ready. They also lent me money to keep the divorce running. It was my bro who linked a page about emotional abuse that gave me the lightbulb moment - so that's why I was never happy for long! It kind of gave me external permission to leave and let me stop torturing myself with doubt and guilt. It's only when you LTB that people let you know what they really think IMO. And they all think I left him about 25 years later than I should have.

Hi, just wanted to say that going on holidays/ going to weddings alone and seeing other couples around and it making you miss what you could have had, really resonates with me. In the past month I have been on holidays to friends and been to a wedding alone (that my ex was invited to as we were still together at the time invites were issued) (and ended up having a blast at both). At first I was getting a bit lost in the IF ONLY's.

But, what you have to do is think of the ACTUAL'S - you wouldn't have had a uniformly lovely holiday/wedding with ex due to sulks/ "shyness"/ only happy when I'm waiting on him hand and foot and things going his way/ waiting on eggshells for something to go wrong.

You COULD have lovely coupley-time with someone in the future - but NOT WITH THEM - as they are incapable of it.

This is really important to remember and took me ages to crack - don't waste time seeing them as they could be/ you wish they could be, see them AS THEY ARE. Painful it is but at least it allows you to move on and realise it is not your responsibility or gift to make them happy/ love you.

Also, rather than spend years of your life trying to do the impossible, if you leave you at least give yourself the chance to find someone possibly in the future that you could have a nice time with - not because you've pleased them/ done everything they want/ wore a green dress and blue hat but because THEY WANT TO, because that's HOW THEY ARE and it's NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU DID OR DID'NT DO.

Sorry for caps, not shouting, but just wanted to emphasise what it took me so long to realise and what's keeping me strong. OP also, I think you're doing great

Oh, meant to say this earlier, referring to your OP. You pinned hopes on the course fixing him. Sadly I fear it is your ex who is right about this, it is a load of bollocks because no course can fix a person who does not want to be fixed. If he went there intending to engage with it to help him to be a better partner and father then there would be some point and it might indeed have been very helpful, but if he went there as some kind of "look what I put myself through for you" he might as well not go at all. You'd never have heard the last of it, which is kind of missing the whole point of going on an abuser's course in the first place.

Ignore the sinister-sounding bit about having to see each other for ever and ever because you have kids. You may not be able to avoid ever seeing him again, but the important thing is that most of your life will be a wanker-free zone.

I definitely thought the course would fix him, and it was only after speaking to my counsellor that I had my lightbulb moment and realised it would never work because he doesn't want to change.

My solicitor served him papers yesterday via email, and he has not mentioned or acknowledged these in any way - I think he will say he did not receive them. Still playing games.

I don't even mind seeing him again in the future, we do have a to of shared history and our 3 DC together, but I just don't want to live with him again. So I'll continue being civil for now, whilst pushing ahead with the divorce.

I realised on that day that I never again had to wait to hear the key in the lock, nor had to judge what mood he'd be in before he got into the room where I was and have to change my behaviour to suit that mood I remember that feeling, every single day. I thought it was normal, I didn't realise that I should be able to just breathe, and be me.

I've taken on the challenge of my first holiday alone. Booked for August this year, my first ever caravan holiday with my 3, my best friend and her 2, and her parents who I have known for 30 years. Kids will love it!

I am not going to feel sad that I am partnerless, as he would never have agreed to come anyway!

Sounds like fun :)

Yes, I am looking forward to it. The holidaying alone worry has really been playing on my mind, but hopefully it won't have to be that way. I feel more confident about that now.

How did you adjust to living alone Annie? I am busy MNing working and then after-school madness with the DC, and the evenings are lovely and quiet and relaxing at the mo. I'm not sure how long it will take me to start struggling with that quiet time.

I am trying to resist evenings full of tv and comfort eating, but not doing very well on that front.

I'm so glad you're back posting name. I don't know if you stopped for a bit or if I just couldn't find you.

The holiday sounds fabulous. My friend is in a terrible relationship and more than anything would like to book a holiday. I asked for them to come away with us, and at first she said yes and how excited her and her DC were. Then her DH decided he'd rather they go away separately rather than with us. Fair enough, only it's not been booked. I know it won't get booked at all now.

I have a heavy computer habit, as you can probably tell I spend a lot of time on MN and another talkboard as well as playing online games. It's more absorbing than TV IMO because it's interactive and there are other adults you can hold a sensible, or the right kind of silly, conversation with. Other activities include something creative (I used to knit and do cross-stitch; do you have a crafty bent at all, as it were?) while listening to your favourite music or something not too heavy on the radio. I'm an avid reader, and I like crossword puzzles. Home study courses and, when the DC get older or you have babysitting available, evening classes fill in time productively as well. With that lot you'll be quite glad of the occasional evening just slumping in front of the TV! Is there anything you ever felt you'd really like/ought to read but never had the time? Now you do!

(I do eat like a pig as well, though.)

Hi Vivacia its so lovely to have your support again, you have seen me through this whole process so far and it's very much appreciated. I did stop posting for a bit, but I have found so much strength and insight from posting I thought I would continue.

I know I would not ever have left H if it were not the autobots on MN encouraging me and propping me up along the way.

I sympathise with your poor friend - H never wanted to go on holiday with anyone else - I dragged him along with family a few times, and then with friends, and each time he said it was rubbish and wouldn't go again.

My last holiday was me and the DC going abroad with my parents, because H said it was too boring. Instead he went to Las Vegas with his friends, and came back and said that was boring too.

I hope your friend manages to get a break, its so sad for her DC to miss out because of a thoughtless H.

Annie before I got married I did a GSCE whilst working, in a bit of a specialist topic I was always interested in, and I did do evening courses too, I love learning.

At the moment I also tend to work in the evenings, as I am obsessively worrying about how I will support the DDs, but apart from that it has been nice to just switch off from the day and potter about till bedtime.

I do feel TV all the time is a waste of my life, and like doing other things - so glad I don't have to live with H and his 3-hours-of-tv-a-night habit.

As far as the learning goes, I'd reccommend Future Learn - they have all sorts of courses, many quite short. The one we did was delivered weekly but even if you fell behind there were still other students as far behind to join in on the discussion forum. It's not much faff to log on and is pretty well done.

Congratulations, Name!

I was going to suggest pretty well everything that Annie suggested! I lived alone for years before marrying, and I really miss the quiet evenings studying, and going to evening classes in things I had no need to know like Latin, or Rennaissance Music etc. You never know where those things will lead or in what small ways just knowing something will enhance your life a tiny bit!

Thank you, these ideas look great! I remember how I used to be involved in local charities in my 20s, there are loads of great community initiatives in the area, I will look into joining one I think.

Whilst married, I was involved with an organisation called Free Cakes For Kids, and I made free birthday cakes for children living in women's refuges. I loved it as it really challenged my cake-making skills, which were poor at best, but also gave me a warm fuzzy glow of doing something nice! But I would only bake on the days I knew H would be out, as he didn't like me baking, and especially not if it was for free. The irony!

The FutureLearn website looks fab, thank you for that pointer.

Tonight I am working, MNing and whatsapping my cousins as we organise a night out.

I realised that I have always liked working/doing non-TV stuff in the evenings, and have done so for years.

This was on H's list of complaints. He had to watch TV alone from 8pm everyday (!!) because I neglected him by working in the evenings (or 'tapping away on her computer' as he called it). Apparently it left him feeling lost, hurt and confused.

After he hit me, his sister said that this was because I worked too much and neglected him, and I should realise that money isn't everything, and I should be spending more time with him, making him feel loved and supported. So giving up my PTA volunteering, and should be watching Eastenders 4 times a week instead I already do this.

Except he didn't talk to me or share anything with me, we just watched TV and discussed the program together. And then I couldn't get anything else done. Just another argument I never would have won!

oh hon the best bit of being alone is not having to give him all your attention. i rememer that so well and i sigh with relief. i live alone, no kids. i do voluntary work, go to meet ups, have friends over, cook really posh meals just for me. i watch tv, nothing wrong with that, keeps you in touch with whats going on in the world. i am never lonely on my own but i'm sometimes lonely around people. well done on the holiday x

Oh yes, did NOT mean to suggest there is anything wrong with tv, I love it, but not all day every day iyswim.

the best bit of being alone is not having to give him all your attention this is very relaxing! Just being me in the evenings, and not being watched or judged for daring to work or read a book in the evenings.

I have signed up for one of those future learn courses. I can't remember which one though There were a few that made me think "oh that's a bit interesting". As they're only 6 weeks long it's not a massive commitment and if you find you're actually not very interested then it's not a great waste. The last time I started a short course like this, I wound up doing a few years' worth of OU maths! No idea why, but it was fun ( until it got too hard for me )

Coursera offer free online courses too. They are great, and are repeated often so if you miss out on one it will come up again at some point.

What a marvellous day! I bumped into auntie, uncle and gran this morning, as they live very close by.

Then school run, then drove to Freedom Programme course, which is a really great supportive environment. Then my sisters house for lunch.

Now DC are relaxing, watching a bit of tv before bed. They have had dance classes and a visit from by brother to say hello and invite us for dinner tomorrow.

I have cold beers in the fridge and intend to watch tv and have a relaxing evening off from work, chores, everything.

My sister, cousin and I have drinks planned for the weekend with DC are with H.

Life is good. I'm not quite sure why, or what has changed, but life is good.

We are awesome.