Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Urgh I really would just make it impossible for them to go for longer than a couple of days.

How he treats them is so awful

Well it appears he does know how to use his phone after all. He has just text me and asked me to meet him halfway between his and mine to pick up the girls from him, so he doesn't have to drive all the way to mine. So predictable.

If he was semi-decent to me, was accommodating around their needs etc I would be happy to compromise too. But it's always him getting/wanting an easy life and to hell with the rest of us.

What a shame you can't

So predictable isn't he!!!!!

Sadly my car is in the garage. Otherwise I would have loved to help him out.

exactly, you are even 2 steps ahead of him these days, how far you have come...

You just need to practice "No, that doesn't work for me"

Oh! You are right, I didn't even think of it like that!

The 'No's are getting easier to say, especially as I can now see from a distance how controlling he is, and how little power he actually has. I was terrified of his threats to 'not mess with him'.

I have been exercising with a personal trainer at a local gym, and I'm loving it. He keeps pushing me but he is really great at telling me how well I am doing even though I have 3 stone to lose and it feels SO good to have someone compliment me for my attempts at exercise.

If I go running, I am no longer hearing 'You must be really slow, I could probably run faster than you, even with my bad knee' or hearing 'Jesus, look at the size of that arse in those leggings' when I set off.

My family are being super supportive of my healthy eating attempts. I'm no longer hearing 'So what if you lost 2 stone? The question is why did you get so fat in the first place?' or 'well you lost it with diet, not exercise, that's not good anyway'

He hated me helping on the school PTA, as I was 'Wasting my time when there are other things that need doing at home'. I am now chair of the PTA at my DDs new school.

ExH is not going to defeat me, or my DDs. I can't believe how much our lives have changed in less than a year.

Gonward and upward, Name, onward and upward! You are brilliant and deserve the best, never forget that!

Can you get him served with the divorce papers at work.

He works on a couple of different sites, I have never been to any of them (although I could google their addresses), and from what I can gather he doesn't really have a set pattern of days at each site.

I have put in an application for a court bailiff to serve him the papers at home, before he leaves for work. This can take 8-12 weeks to action.

Then it's finances, and we have a court order in place to force him to produce finances. It's all very slow going.

I saw my lovely nieces this morning, they are only little (8 and 5) and they said they like playing with my DDs but they don't have anywhere to play, because our room (shared between me, DD1 and DD3) is too little and doesn't have any toys or games for them.

We also can't fit in a desk anywhere for the girls to do their homework on, which is something I would love to have. Cannot wait to have our own place again one day.

Be ready for the questions about what is wrong with the car, is it safe etc etc.

My car is genuinely at the garage - I purposely booked it in for today so I wouldn't be tempted into driving up and meeting him halfway - so when he gets here he will see I don't have it.

He doesn't speak to me AT ALL during drop-off or pick up, no eye contact, will stand as far away as possible, etc. Just pretends I am not there, like he is blanking me.

I have now started making a point of going out and facing him, saying hello to the DDs and making a tiny fraction of conversation (e.g. 'Is DDs jacket still in the car?') just to make him respond.

I recognise now that this is what I did throughout our marriage - he went quiet or silent or had the sulks and I was always trying to break the ice and make things better again.

Except now I am doing it to show him I am not scared of him. It's definitely a 'fake it till you make it' tactic from me, but it does work.

I hope I don't sound cocky or arrogant on this thread. I am always full of ups and downs, but it's so nice to feel like things are getting better and we are getting somewhere.

I don't think I have commented before but as soon as I saw your last post I felt I had to write...

Cocky or arrogant?

NO

You are: decent, kind, generous and finally finding your feet after being ground down by a dickhead. Seeing you blossom and move away from his control is amazing.

He'll always be like that. You'll look back in a few years and say: 'Is he still doing that?' and yes, he will be. You, on the other hand, will be confident, happy and free and your DCs will be benefitting from a Mum who is leading her life on her own terms. A fantastic role model.

You're amazing and don't forget it.

No, my lovely, you are not cocky or arrogant. The very idea, pshaw, as they used to say! Nevergrowingup has described how you come across here rather well. - definitely NOT passive agressive smile there. I am actually smiling at the idea of you being cocky or arrogant, it's so unlike you!

I love that you are forcing him into awareness of your presence. I think that's a fab thing to do! Enough to irritate but not enough to push him into action without appearing totally unreasonable, and he knows it! As my uncle used to say, Splendid Japes

I need to get this down because I am fucking raging. DDs came back tonight. He refused to answer my text about what time they would be here, and so they just arrived at 8.30pm.

I've just finished feeding them and getting them to bed.

• DD asked to call me on Monday night to have her private chat - dad said no

• one night they went to SILs house for dinner. SILs daughter aged 10 said to my 8yo 'your daddy has been drinking beer, that means you must be having sleepover because he can't drive now, its against the law'. He drove home anyway. DD asked him in the car if he had a beer and he said yes. She wanted to ask if it was against the law but said she didn't incase he would get angry

• He is 'sharing' my brothers Netflix account rather than pay for his own. DD knows this because she went onto Netflix this weekend and said all the recently watched films at home were showing on his netflix, and it has my brothers name at login.

• DD asked dad what time he was dropping the back to me. H said to DD 'why do I have to do all the dropping off. Your mum should be dropping you off or picking you up'

• DD asked if she could see her friend. H said 'where does she live?' DD said I don't know, but we can call mum and find out. H did not respond.

• When they got to the house there was a lady there. She was nice and said hello. She slept in DD2's room. DD2 has been sleeping on the floor in her dad's room. Not on an air bed, on a blanket on the floor, since Thursday night.

• Turns out she is a lodger. He has rented out DDs bedroom, and I just looked online and saw he has an advert online for another of the DDs bedrooms. He is charging £450 per bedroom and this has been going on since August at least.

My child has slept on the floor since Thursday night.

On Monday night he went to play football. He left his lodger to babysit my girls.

Oh Name, I've been silently following you from the beginning. He's an utter tosser. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you and your girls.

I can't believe he has done this. All for more money. The kids don't even have their own bedrooms in their own house anymore.

And who the hell was taking care of my children whilst he went to play football?

At least I know he was never serious about wanting custody of the kids.

How dare he let his 6yo daughter sleep on a blanket the floor for 5 nights. Whilst he is tucked up in his bed.

Thank you ejay. I need a hug. And for the first time in months I need to cry again.

I don't think I have commented before on your thread but cannot believe he has let his own daughter sleep on the floor! And he has plans to let another bedroom?? I am generally pro-access for the nrp as my DP has a now grown up son from previous relationship but I can't understand how a father could do that. Taking into account everything, he is an atrocious cunt. I hate that c-word but it is the only way to adequately describe your ex. Sending you a hug and strength to deal with him.

Jesus there is always a way for him to add or top his last act of twattishness deletes autocorrect of tatties

if there is no longer a bed for her is overnight contact really suitable anymore? Get screen shots if you can and also make a note of the extra money for financial disclosures.

I'd suggest from a safeguarding perspective that you'd have reasonable grounds to withdraw overnights, but maybe check with solicitor.

I have printed out the advert and saved it, and sent it all to my solicitor this evening, and asked him for a chat.

Our daughter is 6 years old. She is petite, very loud and very smiley and massively intelligent. She likes dressing in sparkly things all the time, her favourite food is pasta, and she loves apple juice. She is really looking forward to Halloween as we will be face painting. She is in the Peacocks set at school along with her two best friends V and P. She is my baby.

She slept on the floor for 5 nights whilst her dad slept on the bed next to her.

The room has been rented since early August, so its been 2 months for that one tenant already. That's £900. I am entitled to half of that seeing as it's my name on the mortgage papers.

He took them swimming and did DDs homework, I actually thought things were smoothing over.

He is 'sharing' my brothers Netflix account rather than pay for his own. DD knows this because she went onto Netflix this weekend and said all the recently watched films at home were showing on his netflix, and it has my brothers name at login. I hope you have told your brother to change his login details so he can not use anymore, cheapskate.

That's made me cry. That fucking bastard. Your beautiful baby. Yes tell solicitor everything. How dare he! ! He has the house and EVERYTHING and you are struggling yet he let's a 6 year old sleep on the floor.

Never thought I'd say this but I hope he gets bored /too much hassle and doesn't want to see them anymore.

You are my inspiration at the moment. I admire you more then you know. So from a faceless person who is stuck in an unhappy marriage you are AMAZING!

I'm so sorry that he's behaving like this. What did your solicitor say?