Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

So pleased for you name!

I didn't know you were doing the Freedom Programme! What's it like?

Yes, I am doing the Freedom Programme, I started 4 weeks ago. I was very apprehensive about going, as I was sure my abuse was not serious enough, and I would be in a room of scared, timid women who are beaten every day (I hope I don't offend anyone with that statement, I just mean I had a very stereotypical view of abused wives).

I found it quite slow going to begin with - it's based on the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, which was an eye-opener, but didn't feel like enough substance for a course, or what I was looking for iyswim.

I went again on week 2 which then starts a look at each of the types of abusers in turn. Even with those I didn't think applied to H, I found myself nodding along, and realising how widespread H's tactics were and how poorly he treated me.

Most surprisingly, the other women on the course are all very impressive women - confident, smart, articulate and women you would never imagine to be so browbeaten by a cowardly insecure man.

I've started really looking forward to going each week, I am finding it hugely validating to share my experiences and listen to others and realise we have all been through a similar process, and all of the tiny, subtle things they do to destroy your confidence.

I would recommend it to anyone who is (sadly) going through similar. It's very different to doing the course online, and does make me realise I am not alone in this. If anyone is thinking of going, its also worth knowing that you don't have to attend every week you can go just as and when you want to.

The course facilitator constantly refers to the confusion, the fog and the self-doubting you feel in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was certainly that person, I couldn't trust my thoughts or emotions at all.

As I am learning more and more about H's tactics, e.g. gas lighting, and withholding information as his main source of control over me, the more I am able to handle his tactics, and trust that my emotions and feelings are just as valid as his.

It sounds like an amazing source of support, and I'm so glad that you've got such a group of women to go through this with you.

You sound amazing, NC! Your family are amazing too!

Ugh, not a good morning. I took DDs to school, and my 7yo said:
'mummy, last time we saw daddy, he was crying'

Me: oh no, why? when do you mean?
DD: when he picked us up in the car [this was 3 weekends ago]
Me: Why?
DD: Because he said he hardly ever gets to see us
Me: Well daddy can come and see you any time, he knows that. We could ask him to come down more times?
DD: No its ok, he can't come all of the time because he has got stuff to do, just like we have got stuff to do.

H sees his DC once every 3 weekends at the moment. I don't know what keeps him busy on other weekends, he just does not ask to see them or have them over, and he doesn't phone them either.

He calls them once a week on the same day each week whilst he is driving to work. So he doesn't speak to youngest at all, as she is already at nursery by then. He speaks to the 5 and 7yo for about 10-15 mins in total.

This half-term he is picking them up tomorrow, and said he will bring them back on Tuesday. So he is taking minimal time off work, and not even having the half-term week with them.

The youngest one's nursery manager emailed him to see if he would like nursery emails/newsletters/updates on her development as she is required to do this. He has not responded.

So how can he manipulate our innocent 7yo daughter, who now believes this is all my doing - I shouldn't have left because daddy says he is better now, and they want their old school, and on the phone daddy said to give mummy a kiss, and now this - crying because he can't see them.

Perhaps because I'm just reading a transcript, but that conversation doesn't sound bad.

It is manipulative.

He cries because he can't see his children, but he won't come more often because he has stuff to do. So, he should be at home, right?

He cries because he can't see his children, but he won't come more often because he has stuff to do. So, he should be at home, right?
Yes, that is exactly it. He doesn't come at weekends, yet if they ask him what he has been doing, he says nothing, just at home, fixing the bathroom or whatever.

So on average he sees them one weekend in every 3 weekends. Last time he had he took them to his mums house and he was off out doing DIY on his rental facts. For this half-term he has only asked to have them Sat-Tuesday, so he is taking just only one day off (the Tuesday), and won't consider taking the week off work to spend time with them. This is despite his declarations that this year he had already decided he was going to spend more time with the DC, take some time off work, etc. He is self-employed and his best friend for the past 20years works as his assistant. So he could very easily take time off, but I know him, the loss of earnings would be to much for him.

He never, ever calls them at the weekends, even for a 2 min hello.

DD was upset when relaying this conversation, I asked her what we could do to make this better and she said 'its too difficult' and then her school friend appeared so we stopped the conversation.

But he is making out like he is desperate to see them - if so, why not agree to sell up and buy a house here, or to attend the abusers course and make the marriage work? It's all still about him. And my poor DC are caught up in his games now.

I should add that H used to drive to ILs (3-4 hours away) to work on his rental property, every weekend for a whole year. But he can't manage 1.5h, every other week for his DC.

I have no idea what could be keeping him busy at home, his weekends were spent sleeping, watching TV or washing his beloved sports car.

The tears in front of the DCs sounds horribly manipulative (and the sort of thing that would have sent me into spasms of guilt back when mine were that age) and it doesn't tally with his lack of action re: divorce, what is he trying to achieve here? The DCs are still adjusting to their new life, normal to have a few wobbles, but you can focus on the fun you can have in your new environment.

Isn't he seeing them this weekend? Maybe you should forewarn him that he needs to put their needs before his.

Sounds like my exH.

Just saw your last post! A thought: is he actually living the life of riley now with no encumbrances and the big house all to himself? Hmmm. Still seems like it's all about him and you are having to do all the legwork. What would you say if he suddenly did want to make things work, go on the abuser's course? Just a thought... not suggesting that you get caught up in trying to repair things but he seems to want to portray himself as the victim here which sort of works in his favour, doesn't it?

Be glad he isn't going on that abusers course to try and save your marriage. They rarely work. You'd just feel obliged to keep trying and be stuck in a shitty marriage with a shitty abusive man even longer.

It's your pride talking when you are upset that he isnt 'fighting' for you. It's not a matter of pride - you ARE worth being in a relationship with, you sound fab, and your kids, and you are doing great. Pride is a fucker - it can tie you into situations against your own best interests.

Some twat not 'fighting' for you is a good thing, not a bad thing. He's recognised that you are too good and too strong for him and he hasn't got a chance. He'll go off and find someone else to abuse: you'll go off and have a great life, promise.

I think he is living the life he wanted really. He didn't enjoy having me around, I was ignored or criticised, and he did as he pleased. He can do that even more so now without me or the DC in the house.

I have no idea how he could be passing time each weekend, that is one thing that really puzzles me unless he has another woman already.

He loves that house as he did a lot of the DIY in it and basically built/decorated it to his tastes. Loves it too much to sell it for a new family home with us, even if that means losing is marriage over.

If he did sell the house, and did do the abusers course it might possibly show me he is serious about wanting to change and wanting to do whatever it takes to make this work. But as it is all he has shown me is that he can talk the talk but he has not backed this up with any action at all.

It's not fair on the DDs at all, particularly my eldest, to have to deal with her father's sadness/manipulative behaviour aged 7.

Thankyou for posting. Your OP felt so familiar when I read it. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one.

I've heard if the freedom course, how did you get on it?

I hope you're feeling ok this afternoon? I too find the DC's sadness one of the hardest things.

Quite agree that crying in front of the children is manipulative and dishonest. He 'has stuff to do' means he doesn't have stuff to do, but he wants to make sure the children think he would like to see more of them but also that they're not important enough for him to free up time for. He is abusing them this way.

He is also abusing you by allowing the children to think that it's all your fault, of course, and that if you had just stayed in your nice little box and not been annoying by expecting a bit more than that, then you would all be a happy little family.

And of course, you wouldn't be a happy ittle family. You would be oppressed and downtrodden, your children would grow up knowing that beside their incredibly i,portant dad they counted for nothing.

Sadly, your children are too young to see the dynamics or understand what he's doing.

Keep notes. Saturday 16th, pick up: dad crying. Tells children ......
Thursday, 21st, children tell me they think I should have stayed with daddy so he can see them more and won't be sad..... Etc etc

He's a nasty piece of work.

the freedom programme does a chapter on the effect abusing mum has on kids. you are a fab mum for removing your kids from this. sadly his abuse will shift now your not his victim anymore. you are doing so well and i agree the women you meeton the course do not fit the 'stereotype' i had in my mind.

Do you think the abuse of the children will continue? That is my greatest fear, it's the reason I didn't ever want to leave him in the first place, until the violence forced me to.

If it does, then restrict contact. Make sure it's supervised, and cut it as soon as it gets manipulative.
Don't chase it, let it be as little as he wants. But impose rules and set times.

Let him complain and go to court if he wants to.

Give the children the tools to distance themselves. If he cries and complains that he can't see them, but he does fuck all to contact them, them point that out to them.

That's why you have to keep good notes, NC. Sadly, there is no reason this sort of behaviour would stop, without some outside agency to ensure it does, and for that to happen you have to keep notes.

sadly i think he will continue to manipulate the kids in order to abuse you. dont forget however that the kids have rights and i second the advice that you keep a diary. dont doubt your decision to leave him, he was killing you emotionally and your kids deserve a happy mum.

If he cries and complains that he can't see them, but he does fuck all to contact them, them point that out to them.

This is what I would like to do, but I think they are too young to have to deal with this age 7, 5 and 2. Maybe as they get older they will start to realise for themselves what he is like. In the meantime I'm really not comfortable saying bad things about their daddy to them, they need to feel like they are free to see him whenever they want to, without being caught between the two of us.

dont doubt your decision to leave him, he was killing you emotionally and your kids deserve a happy mum.

This is exactly what he is trying to achieve, badgering me into staying by using the kids, and not really caring about their needs or mine. They saw him with his hand around my throat, hitting me around the head. They cried and they were terrified. I will never forgive him for that.

He was killing us all emotionally with his lack of interest and total lack of regard for our feelings, or our needs. Always about him.

your children would grow up knowing that beside their incredibly important dad they counted for nothing.

This was exactly how I felt, aged 40, so the effect on the children will have been far worse, and something that would be reinforced throughout their lives. Daddy comes first and we all come second.

I just hope and pray that the children are ok after all of this upheaval and irreparable change to their lives. I hope they grow up and can understand why I did this. I really hope they can see that it was such an unhealthy way to live, and the life we had now, which is amazing, would never, ever have even been even close to this with H. The girls are surrounded by family and friends, people who care about them, and let them be children.

I just hope this is all sorted quickly and fairly and DDs and I have a house of our own.