Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

No wonder he was stalling with taking them back to the house.

Thanks all for your kind words. I feel a bit sick inside, I really don't know why, it's the latest in a long line of shitty behaviour from him. But the thought that there is someone else living inside my lovely house is really hard. I bought all of the little things that made it our home. There are photos of the children and our wedding pics up that must all be packed away now.

All of the lovely things, and the practical things that make a house work, were bought my me. Even the dishwasher was a gift from a friend of mine. It hurts alot that we have lost the house in that way I suppose.

DD2 loved sleeping on the floor, I think it was a bit of an adventure. I don't mind floor-sleeping per se, it's fun and I have done it loads growing up. But not because my dad had intentionally given my bed away.

DD2 has a long-standing health issue, not too serious, but is having a small op next week, which means a 2-day stay in hospital for me and her. So I am just sorting that out - I've booked two days off work as my clients are sending me lovely good luck messages.

My amazing dad is going to pick the other two from school nursery, get them to bed, take them to school the following day etc, he agreed to that before I even asked him. Without blinking. My siblings and SIL also said they will help in any way they can for the 2 days - e.g. help with bedtimes, or take some dinner over for them. It's not necessary but it's so, so appreciated. We are taking care of DDs without him now.

I'll lose 2 days pay as I am self-employed. Just got to let the school know and then it's all sorted and we will be ready for it.

I'm waiting for sol to call me back and will see what he says. I am thinking it must be illegal or something for him to rent the house out without the co-owners knowledge or permission? Who knows.

Bendyboot I am a crap source of inspiration I am afraid! But it is better than being unhappily married to a cruel man, as we have many more opportunities for happiness now. I hope you are ok, and when and if you plan to leave, please do it with the support of MN, it has held me up so much.

I am also hoping he will get bored of seeing the girls, as wrong as that is.

I know I can do this, and I will, but I feel a bit (heart)broken by his latest tactics. But we are going to stay with fantastic friend for a few days, leaving later today, so I will hopefully snap out of this soon.

OP - Just a note of caution regarding the lodgers.

If the house is mortgaged and is in your joint names then you could be in breach of your terms in taking in lodgers even though you no longer live there this link may be helpful.

If you are named on the mortgage I suggest you notify the lender ASAP so you can't be said to be in breach of your conditions.

If the mortgage is in his sole name then you don't need to worry.

Name said the mortgage was in her name, so she'll have to contact the lenders.

Oh, I am so hoping that this is grounds for stopping contact; and also that what he's done is illegal. With luck, this will cause his whole house of cards to tumble.

Have a great time with your friend, Name.

The house is remortgaged, the money is for his business he has invested in with his friend.

My name is on the mortgage.

What will happen if I tell the bank?

I am waiting for sol to call me back.

I called the bank and we are allowed to rent out one room under the mortgage. However I know he is looking to rent out a second room, but this hasn't yet been rented so nothing illegal has taken place. However he didn't ask me for permission and is not sharing the proceeds with me. I wish my sol would call me back!

I hope you've heard from the sol by now, if not, tomorrow. It's horrid waiting for someone to contact you.

Hope you got to your friend OK, and you're having a good old piss up and chin wag having got the children to sleep all sleeping peacefully now.

I am fuming for you but then another part of me is not surprised at all...

He's all about the money isn't he!

Has your solicitor got back to you yet?

Sol has got back to me and said we can write to ExH and ask him for my share of the rent. I've said it would not be worth the paper it's written on as he would ignore it and claim he hadn't received it. So it will be added to our finance claims but that's all.

I'm also within my rights to restrict overnight stays until he has beds for all of the DDs.

This week DD2 and I spent two nights in hospital as DD2 had a medical issue that needed investigating. It's been a stressful week. My lovely parents took care of DD1 and DD3 whilst we were away, did th school runs, breakfast, dinner, putting them to bed, everything.

I did tell H that DD2 had to go in, he asked when and called her before we went in.

The appt wasn't great, they did tests and she has a long-term condition which will require regular monitoring and hospital stays (not sure how regular yet, once or twice a year I would imagine).

I updated H as I think he has a right to know about his children's health. I updated H via text as I was really tired after the overnight stay and reply wasn't up for talking to anyone.

So I told him all of the docs findings, the fact that DD2 will now require ongoing monitoring possibly for the rest of her life, worst case scenario is pretty bad but also very unlikely to happen.

I was thinking he would call me straight back, but he didn't. He text back: 'OK thanks'.

Nothing since. Didn't speak to DD2 or ask to see her this weekend.

I'm a bit numb and not really thinking about him or all of this this weekend. I'm waiting for Monday so I can get back to work/school routine and things go back to normal.

Wondering if I should start a new thread or leave this now. It's really a helpful vent and so good to have the support. But nothing is changing.

ok thanks????????

There are no words.

Oh and please start a new thread. Venting is part of the process and there are lots of great people here who want to support you.

It sucks but the one good thing about this is that there are no wobbles about getting him out of your life and your dds.

Yes, 'OK thanks'. It was like 'OK thanks for updating me and acknowledging that I need to know, because I am important'.

The C word was mentioned in our conversations (worse case scenario according to the doctors), and I cried when they told me that. Silent crying facing the window as DD2 was in the room. The lovely consultant did silent comforting of me.

So I thought at the mention of that might he might call or ask to see DD2. I worked in a vaguely medical field and he was full of questions and wanting me to look things up when he had a 5-a-side football injury. So I thought he might want to discuss this at least.

I've done lots of reading online and it's extremely unlikely, more of a theroretical risk but the consultant said she has never, ever seen it happen with the condition DD2 has.

So it's definitely unlikely, and does not seem to be regarded as a real possibility. I'm compartmentalising this in my head for now, we will wait for next appt and see what happens next.

In a way it's good to know I am definitely doing this alone/with my family and he will not be supporting or backing us up in anyway.

I knew where I stood with ExH but I can now see where the DDs stand in all of this too. Right next to me.

Sadly you are absolutely right. Any decent parent's first instinct would be to be with their child in a situation like this.
You poor DD.

I am so glad you have such a lovely family there for you and your girls.

for you and your girls, especially dd2.

You are not alone.

I thought he would have called to speak to her at least afterwards, ask if she was ok, tell her she had been brave. The procedure was not nice at all, she vomitted, had bloods taken which she hated as the needle was v painful, and was also under a general anaesthetic. She had not eaten for 24h. She was upset when sleeping so I slept on her bed till she slept. We were up 5/6 times in the night because of the procedure. So it was a rough night. My family have been concerned, asking for updates, treating her kindly. I feel super protective of her now like she is made of China but I know it's an over reaction and will settle down. I can't get enough of her at the moment. I'm glad she hasn't asked for her dad.

Why would she ask for her Dad?

I think the dds probably have an understanding of his disinterest in them. They want it to be different but they increasingly know he is all about himself, they are so much more astute than you give them credit for.

and hugs, keep your family around you and be confident that you have done everything you can for those girls x

He's showing his true colours with his every response, isn't he? And it's a good thing that she isn't asking for him, she knows which parent is there for her and which one isn't. Sad but true.

Do please keep posting here if you have felt it to be helpful so far - you should not have to carry all this alone.

Thanks everyone, your supportive comments are so appreciated. I keep logging on and reading through them.

H is most definitely showing his true colours withevery event, as awful as it seems I wish and hope he will leave us all alone now.

I can't believe this is the man I married and tried to please for so long to save our marriage - one that obviously meant absolutely nothing to him, except perhaps a status symbol to signify his respectability.

He has more and more proved himself to be an utter shit without any feelings or compassion for any of us, and his dismissal of our daughters condition is just unbelievable to me.

I will post again just to vent I'm sure. It's coming up to a year since I left him, and there is only so much I can say about him in real life without driving everyone nuts.

My counselling sessions have come to and end and I've replaced them with exercise sessions so in some ways I am trying to move on, even though a messy divorce still lies ahead.

This time is a difficult time of year for me, we have lots of (fun) religious celebrations coming up, a family wedding and then Christmas. In a way I'd like to fast forward to Feb next year, when my year of firsts is over, and I'm no longer dreading any anniversaries or events.

I can't stop thinking about DD2, but everywhere I have read online points to things being ok in the end.

I'm really not in the mood to, but I'm going to stay strong. It's still better than being married to a shit abusive husband.

... a status symbol to signify his respectability...

Sadly, that is spot on.

KOKO

Is there a new thread for this?

I've just started a new thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2527178-Just-need-a-rant-and-some-support-about-my-abusive-ex-and-Xmas-and-everything?msgid=58069289#58069289

Thank you all for your support. I've gone a month or so without online support and I miss it a lot.