Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

he's never had to do the lone parent thing has he?

No, he hasn't. Which is bizarre considering he has lived in a house with his children for the past 7 years. He doesn't really know what they like doing (apart from going to the park), and he has no idea how to entertain them.

He would tell me off for:

• taking them to school friends birthday parties (it's a waste of time)
• for going out with school mums myself (who would you go, who are they to you, they are just nobodies, etc),
• doing a birthday party with school friends (he actually said, in front of mum I was doing joint party with), that parties should just be for families, school friends are not important. I cringed.

So I guess he will now come to realise that by isolating our family from others, our poor DDs end up with nobody to play with. Meanwhile they have a queue of cousins near us now who are waiting for them to come back from their weekend with their dad, so they can have days out, sleepovers etc.

I wouldn't be too surprised if you don't get until Tuesday without a knock on the door and a "er, they were missing you"...
This would not surprise me either. I have no idea what they are doing today but I am not going to call to find out. I hope they are having some fun.

Transparent attempt to trick you into a family day out
Yes, this what he is trying. Yet it was me who took them to a theme park by myself because H had booked himself a holiday away with his friends for a week.

I've been tidying away things today and sorting out our little family break I've booked. It reminded me of our holiday last summer. I have to write this down, because one of my wobbles is due to thinking we will not be able to enjoy days out or holidays as a family anymore. So my memory from my last holiday has to go down to counteract this:

I wanted a holiday abroad - we are lucky in that parents own a holiday home, so very cheap. I know the place well as I have been going since I was a child and once with H (pre-children). I love going as its sunny, very relaxing, and have a fab swimming pool for our private use, it has a good mix of restaurants, beach, shopping, activities, perfect for family hols really.

I wanted to go again once we had our children - he said no, it's too touristy, and too boring. Just same old thing, don't want to go. He had just been on holiday with his friends, and I knew he would not want to take the time off to go again.

He had been making comments about how its boring to go on holiday with me and the kids, because its the same old thing.

I had to go cheap I can't access our 'joint' account (which does not have my name on the account, just my money goes in and he gave me a set amount each month, which I topped up with my savings), so I asked my parents to come along, and they agreed.

We landed at our destination, and I text H to say we landed and it was hot, kids were ok on flight etc. He text back one word - 'thanks'. Which sounds ok from anyone else, but I know what he is like, he only ever, ever says thanks if he is being sarcastic - i.e. I cooked a rubbish meal, he would say 'thanks, that really hit the spot', etc.

We had a lovely, lovely holiday and I called him a few days in so DDs could speak to him. Then I spoke and told him its lots of fun, there are loads of new activities here for the kids to do, things I didn't even know existed etc. He just twisted everything I said - 'oh, so you are saying it wasn't fun before, its only fun now, so you admit it used to be boring before?' etc. I took that to be his usual attitude and ignored it.

When we left we bought him a small present - a coffee mug and a notebook and a hat.

When we got back home, after I had dropped parents home and driven 3/4 hours with all 3 DC, I got home around 8pm. He was in bed watching tv. Did not get up to help me to bring in 6, 4 and 1yo, and did not help to bring in cases, nothing, just stayed in bed, Waited till I got everything in, I bought the suitcases upstairs, and then he let the kids into his bed and talked to them, asked them how it was, etc. Virtually ignored me. I remember being so pissed off and disappointed that I had had a lovely holiday and had now come back home to him.

DC gave him his presents in the kitchen the next day, and I was in and out of their doing things.

He explained to them that he doesn't really need a mug because he has some already, he liked the hat but didn't know when he would wear it, and he didn't need a notebook, I got that for him because I use it to write shopping lists etc.

So he said mummy didn't really buy daddy things that he wanted, she bought things she wanted instead. So the DCs holiday presents to him meant nothing really, and he let them know it.

No more holidays with daddy then, I guess. They seemed like minor annoyances at the time but they were all so draining.

I actually forgot all of this until I saw the holiday hat again this morning. Funny how you forget the crap stuff, or try to anyway.

NC that story about you stbxh's reaction to gifts from his DC, from their lovely holiday with you sums up what a miserable wankbadger he is. You are all best off without his negativity. What an arse he is.

He is a wankbadger, I need to remember this when him and DC are begging me to go and live with him again so we can be a family.

The guilt and the hope that they will realise what he is like is huge!

What a twat he is.

When are the children due back?

They are due back tomorrow, I assumed tomorrow evening but it might be daytime I guess if he runs out of things to do with them.

I'm missing them, but keeping busy and getting jobs done.

What a horrible father! Who says and does that to his own children, something seriously wrong with him!

He was (is) doing more harm than good OP! Thankfully contact with him is limited. I personally wouldn't want my children exposed to such a horrible person, but I guess you are stuck and don't really want to stop them seeing their father.

Oh NC, what vile excuse for a human he is. He is the last thing anyone needs in their lives, least of all children! They will get what he is like. It's early days yet, and he's probably being Disney Dad, and also telling them how lovely it would be if mummy could be here too, so as to twist and guilt trip you.

Be honest with them. Remind them that you can't live together any more because of what daddy did. They will understand eventually.

What are you planning for the next few days? Are you having a special dinner for when the children return (thinks: duvets, sofa, pizza, films)?

I feel like I am nit-picking when I remember these small stories, but I am beginning to realise it really was a case of death by a thousand paper cuts. Every day with him just wore me down. I would not be leaving him if things were not so unbearably bad. From the big nasty events to the small every day complaints, life was just miserable with him.

Now he has a weekend with the children and his nastiness/apathy is coming back to bite him. He no longer has a wife to keep the children entertained. He doesn't have a close enough connection with his children to know what they would like to do, or where they would like to go.

He dismissed their school friends as irrelevant and so they cannot help to entertain either. He dismissed my friends as 'not his kind of people' and so is missing out on a great network of friends for him and his children by doing so.

His family seem to function on a 'take care of number 1 first' attitude, and don't really help/support each there as they should. So although he has cousins with children, and his sister living nearby, they are all too busy to see him, and his children. He is reaping what he has sown over all of these years.

Be honest with them. Remind them that you can't live together any more because of what daddy did. They will understand eventually

I do say to them that we can't live with daddy because of what daddy did. And that you must never live with someone who does that to you. They don't really buy that as a good enough reason just yet, but they are emotionally intelligent children and so they will get it when older. He is trying to be Disney dad but doesn't really have the skills for this, yet. This may change over time, who knows.

I'd be interested to know when he wants to see the DC next - after having them for a long weekend he won't want them again next weekend, and who knows about the weekend after. I can't see the 50/50 custody working out well in practice.

What are you planning for the next few days? Are you having a special dinner for when the children return (thinks: duvets, sofa, pizza, films)?

Nothing big planned, but I will be having my nephews over tomorrow so the DC will be really pleased to see them in the evening. I'll do a nice dinner for us all.

But Weds is holiday clubs as I am working, which they love, so hopefully it's business as usual nice and quickly.

H will be bringing down their bikes from our marital home as he still has them there, so we will be bike riding and doing cakes at the weekend. The DDs two favourite activities.

I'm trying not to make a big deal about them going and how much I missed them etc, as I don't want them to start worrying or feeling quilty at leaving me at home. The daily niceties are enough to keep them feeling happy and secure in their new lives, I hope.

yes when you finally get space from an abuser, what you thought were little things come back to haunt you. his 'boredom' at spending time with you and his beautiful children tells me he is a very damaged man. your kids have had a rocky few years but im so glad you and your family are putting that right.

NC you sound like a wonderful woman and an amazing mother to your girls. I am so happy you have finally broken free. Tough times ahead for sure but nothing you cannot handle and you are already realizing how much nicer a life without him in it, is. Keep going.

I'd be interested to know when he wants to see the DC next - after having them for a long weekend he won't want them again next weekend, and who knows about the weekend after. I can't see the 50/50 custody working out well in practice.

Have you got any plans for mediation or other formal ways of agreeing this?

I don't think it's death by 1000 cuts at all! Just horribly abusive. I would have been heartbroken if my husband had dismissed those lovely little presents to my children like that! Utterly cruel.

I have SHL working for me, and this is one of the things we will reach an agreement on.

I don't think H has any legal support as yet.

Have seen a pic of DC at our old family home, and I must admit it's very difficult to see my old lovely house again. I worry that the DC will find it hard to leave there and come back to their new uncertain and unsettled life here.

It's ridiculous to miss a house so much but I really loved my home, and we had lots of memories there. I would love to be living there again, and I'm sure DC will be enjoying their time there too.

H will drag his heels over the divorce and so it will mean many more months of uncertainty before we have finally settled into a new house. Of course, he won't care about this or the impact it will be having on the DC.

I'm not feeling as strong as I did yesterday and and find myself constantly questioning if it was all that bad. I know it was, but the self-doubt still exists.

I don't think it's death by 1000 cuts at all! Just horribly abusive. I would have been heartbroken if my husband had dismissed those lovely little presents to my children like that! Utterly cruel.

I definitely normalised this behaviour from him, and so did the DC. They think it's normal to be criticised and belittled in this way. And that very important daddy rules over us all.

Please don't doubt yourself! Your children (girls, yes?) NEED to grow up without his malign influence over you. What is it telling them when they see and hear their father treating their mother like that? Of course you are doing the right thing.

And you know what? Children don't need material things, they need parents who put them first, and listen to them. That's all they need. Your STBXH will never do that. Long term - that will be his loss.

The crazy thing is, neither of us were bought up with lots of material goods. I am not hugely materialistic - I do work hard and I like to have money for days out etc, but H is very materialistic, he loves money for moneys sake and will earn, but not spend unless it's on himself. I guess we both reacted to quite poor childhoods in different ways.

Now were are working and have money I like to use that to create lovely memories for the DC - holidays, outings, birthday parties, etc. We still don't buy them very many things.

But H's attitude was very much that he didn't grow up with parties, or days out, and the DC should have the same upbringing he did. I remember asking him to come to DD2's nativity play, and he didn't want to.

It would be totally fine if he couldn't make it, but he argued that his parents never came to his shows, and it didn't bother him, so why would it bother the DC. We argued about this, and eventually he did come. DDs were so happy with him for coming.

But I don't know why I had to persuade him to do this, and he didn't want to come of his own accord and see his children perform?

Similarly they did a ballet show recently, I was so proud and they loved it, but he said he didn't see the point of be running around to rehearsals and doing this.

Name I'm not feeling as strong as I did yesterday and and find myself constantly questioning if it was all that bad. I know it was, but the self-doubt still exists.

1. He wouldn't get up till 7.30am, and if kids were not awake he would literally drag them out of bed, by feet, shouting at them.

2. They saw him with his hand around my throat, hitting me around the head. They cried and they were terrified. I will never forgive him for that.

Keep rereading 1 & 2 when you start doubting yourself. If your daughters were telling you this about their husbands what would you say to them?

Stay strong! Take it one day at a time (((CUDDLES)))

I grew up surrounded by family - siblings, cousins, aunties and uncles and all of my memories were things we did for free, but we always had love and attention.

My aunts and uncles are like second sets of parents to me, and I can go visit any at any time and they will always still give me time and attention. they are the same with my DDs, they adore them.

H's family just didn't want to see us. They would travel for 3/4 hours to our city to visit other relatives and never come over, even when our children were born. I just could not understand this.

DD just called me they are at H's sisters house. She lived 20 mins from us, but we saw each other once every 3/4 months at the most. She would refuse if I asked if girls could come play, but would ask us to have her 3 DC stay at ours.

Apparently (according to H), this was because of me. I gave out a 'vibe' that I didn't like people coming over, and I didn't like going out to other peoples houses.

Thanks Beyonce (two words I never thought I would be saying!).

I seem to have forgotten about the bigger things and am now navel-gazing over the minor aspects of our relationship. Too much time on my own to think I suspect.

A tiny part of me thinks what if this was the wake up call he needed, and he will now change? Except of course I know he won't. I need to stop this!

If anyone else is going through the same I would recommend this keeping a diary approach. It's a good way to get through the wobbles.

So if this was indeed the wakeup call he needed, would you still go back? After all that, because to me he's crossed the line soooo many times, there is just no going back!

Plus would you then spend the rest of your lives looking over your shoulder waiting for him to slip up? Can you imagine the daily anxiety you and your girls would have to live with for the rest of your lives? Is that even worth it?

I just think he's damaged goods, he needs to sort himself out.