Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

Name I'm sorry to read about the difficult time your DD is having (((CUDDLES))) to you both. You are doing a FAB job raising them. Never blame yourself, you've come a long way.

I'm a child of divorce, it was tough on me too, so I can relate to how your DD is feeling. I too cried a lot, became very emotional in general, I did find it difficult not seeing my daddy all the time. Coincidentally my dad was physically abusive to my mother too. In the end though, after a very very bitter divorce, it all worked out fine. Once the dust settled I continued to see my dad, and I'm a happy emotionally well adjusted adult.

The support, love and patience you are showing your children will help them transition and eventually the dust will settle down.

Thanks Beyoncé, I remember you saying your dad would come and see you every evening and you would sit in his car and chat. That sounds like a lovely memory for you

DD had a good weekend does seem a little happier but she is still emotionally fragile.

I've been trying to look into our finances again - it appears that H moved our company accounts to a new accountant. This was done in August, I only just find out from calling our old accountants.

I have no idea who the knew accountants are, and can only assume he is doing this to hide funds. Still. It paid a penny towards our children. It's been 9 months.

That should say 'still not paid a penny towards our children'.

I have no idea who the new accountant is and so I can't access any of the company accounts. Am looking into it this afternoon. I cannot believe how sly and underhanded he is.

Hi Namechanger, how are things today?
I'd be mad if my h stopped any contributions, especially as he seems to be doing quite well for himself. Hope you get all this sorted out as soon as possible so you and the kids can move on.
I'm the opposite of Beyoncé. I'm a child of very unhappily married parents and had a rough time all the way through really. My mum tells me now, she wished she'd left him back then. (my dad died a few years ago but put my mum through a lot as well as us kids) My dad was very EA which is probably why I've ended up here.
I don't want my children to go through what we went through.
The horrible glares, scowls, tension and stress is crippling for any child.
I never felt loved. I saw my parents as guardians rather than parents.
I don't recall a loving hug or kiss. (that wasn't forced out of us), I don't recall just being free and totally happy.
I remember a lot of misery, my sister crying and me not knowing why, my brothers arguing with my dad, my mum stressed all the time.
You are doing the right thing and I know the kids will be hurt at the moment but as my older sister said, when she divorced, she's glad she did it when they were young as apparently much harder the older they get. X

And Beyoncé, that's not to compare with what you went through at all, I just wanted to add the other side of staying in a bad relationship.
I'm really worried how my kids will react. Luckily, still young like yours but the eldest (coming up to 6) has never really had much of a relationship with him anyway. When we stayed at my mums for a few weeks last summer, she didn't mention him at all, my middle one (4) did but she didn't get upset. That's not to say it will be different for a longer period of time.

Freckles, sorry to hear you had such a difficult childhood and your poor mum for going through that.

The tension in our house was also palpable, I didn't realise how bad it was till we left. I do tell my children they are loved everyday, but it's very difficult to walk the fine line between having them accept that dad is not living with us and yet not feeling his loss too much.

They spoke to him again this morning (very unusual to speak more than one a week), and he sounded very bored by DD1, but was telling DD3 how much he loved her and missed her.

I am very anxious about finances now, I have no idea what he is hiding or moving or what games he is playing. I think him moving the company accountant without telling me may be illegal as I am a co-director on that business. I am waiting to hear what SHL says about it. Tempted to go all out and just freeze his accounts now, but I will wait for legal advice.

It did hit my DDs a lot later down the line than I thought it would. I had spoken to their school before we left, and headteacher and ed psych there said that children will typically feel the effects around 6 months after an event - this was certainly true for mine, they were totally fine in the beginning and then 'crashed'.

Advice I was given both here and from professionals was to be honest and straightforward with them, explain we had split and the reasons why but to keep it brief and age-appropriate.

So DDs do know that we will not be living together and daddy hurt mummy and we were making each other sad. I think if we are the consistent figures in their lives this helps them. I did find this book quite helpful in this regard.

So just be prepared for a fall out later down the line, it can be tough and you don't want to be caught off-guard.

Hi Freckles.....yes I agree, Name and you shouldn't stay in bad relationships (I've read your post). I wasn't advocating OP stays just trying to comfort her if that makes sense?

Name I say FREEZE IT ALL! The F*cker! I'm amused that he really thinks he's above the law?!?!?!? I hope when you eventually get to court the judge throws the book at him and he will have to disclose EVERYTHING!

Beyonce, I can only hope he will have to disclose the lot!

SHL seems to think his bad behaviour really will not be helping his case - courts look very badly on fathers who don't support their children, and one who is moving assets, accountants and generally arising about with due legal process will be frowned upon.

I don't know when things will get moving, the divorce papers/decree nisi is due to arrive at the end of next week assuming everything is in order. Then I can serve papers and demand financial disclosure (I think).

Very angry that his is sitting on my money, and ultimately my children's money, and not sharing a penny of it.

I am resisting the urge to splash his actions all over my FB page so everyone can see what he is like!

Have just spoken to 2 mortgage brokers, and based on my circumstances neither would be willing to offer me any sort of mortgage whatsoever. So I am going to be utterly reliant on what H provides for our children's housing. Shit.

Is the mortgage thing due to you being self-employed specifically, or based on your earnings? Could you look to rent while the financial settlement is pending? Although I think you are in London, so with him not giving you a penny it's going to be tough.

Has your SHL suggested getting onto the CSA about him paying child support?

The mortgage thing is because we still have a joint remortgage on the family home - the house he lives in, and the proceeds of which have gone straight into H's solo business deals.

Even without this, because of my earnings and the nature of my work, I'd be looking at a mortgage of around 300K max, but this would require several changes to my working contract which are just not going to happen.

Houses with 3/4 bedrooms - enough for us to live in long term - go at around 550-600K where I am currently living. It's near my parents and family and school, and realistically I will need to stay living here to be able to raise the children and still work, as parents help with children.

SHL has suggested asking him for a voluntary contribution first - we have drafted a letter to send him and I'm just waiting for sol to send it. If he declines (which I am pretty sure he will), then we will go to the CSA.

Beyoncé, no worries, think I worded it wrong as was shattered last night
Name, I read or heard bat too. If he tries to hide his assets he will come off worse in the long run.
Inhope you get everything you are entitled to. The kids deserve a decent place to live as do you.

I don't know what difference him hiding the assets makes really apart from a slur on his character. Am hoping it means he pays more of the legal costs and I get a better settlement. It's going to be a long battle.

Think of it this way. It'll be shorter than the battle you'd have if you were staying with him until you are old!

Freckles - yes! I have been told it could take up to a year, but that means that in one year and one days time from now I will be truly free of him!

I keep noticing all of the lovely houses on sale when I'm doing the school run. Ridiculously expensive of course but I can dream. I hope he gets what's coming to him.

Not sure if I mentioned on here but my mum has put an offer on a 3 bed house down near where she lives. We'll 'rent' off her and if I get anything I'll put most of it into the house as a kind of share. (if that will work?!) At least we have somewhere decent to go now. (survey next week, hoping completion in 8 weeks) My mum is a bit impulsive We were really struggling to find anywhere to rent down where she is.

Oh that's fantastic! Will your mum be living with you or would it be your place? I bet you can't wait to go!
Have you told your H? How has he reacted?

No, she has her own place name.
Errmm, no, I've not told him exactly......[embarrassed]
I'm waiting until half term to change schools.
Haven't seen him in a few days as I've gone up to my room early and he's not been in until 9ish as usual.
I'm not sure when to tell him exactly.

Sorry embarrassed should be

Don't be embarrassed, it's a difficult decision to make. It might be easier to spend this time detaching from him and observing/realising how bad his behaviour is, and instead tell him a few days before you leave? That way he can't spend the next few weeks persuading you to stay, or that he has changed, etc.

The difference for me and my children has been immense. The tension and blaming has totally gone when I left, and I actually love the fact that if the girls drop some dinner on their clothes or spill something we just kind of say 'oh, OK' and then clean it up. No blaming and lectures about being more careful when accidents happen. It sounds ridiculous but it makes a huge difference.

One winter my car wouldn't start, H took a look and realised battery was dead and we had to push start it. He went inside the house after and told the girls (aged 5, 4 and 1) that it was their fault the car would t start because they must have been playing with the interior light and left it on.

The same thing has happened again since leaving but I have been able to treat it totally different and as a family we know we have to keep an eye on turning off the interior light properly. There's no blame, we just see it as a quirk of the car.

I've also noticed I can tell DD off for a particular thing (eg not listening to me) and she is fine with it. I explain why I am telling her off and what I'm trying to do and she is fine. She was taking blame (and shame) onto herself everytime she was told before, as H had this horrible habit of assigning blame for every minor mishap.

Anyway, point being it will be lovely to be in your own home.

Is the school place sorted/going through now?

That's what I'm afraid of. He started buying me chocolates last week!
Yes, I'm going to look at two schools as soon as possible. Maybe next weekend. (my home maintenance money is running out this weekend )
I've started buying things for the new place and hiding them in my room.
H also has a mean way with the kids. It's too much for them at this age.
They treat them like little adults.

Did your ex have 'empathy'? Btw?
I don't feel mine has any.
If you were ill for example or one of the kids was upset ect?

Oh that's exciting to be stashing things for new house! Be careful he doesn't find them, maybe shift them to your mums place when you can. Also get your DC something new and interesting for their rooms so they have a treat item. Will help keep them positive (helped mine anyway!).

YY to the little adults thing. I remember him screaming at DD when she wet herself in the bathroom. She was 3. I had to make him stop and calm her down and keep him away from her. He still treats them like mini adults and has no issues with them watching 15 rated films or listening to questionable songs with dodgy lyrics etc.

No empathy at all. No hug or asking if I am ok after my c-sections, or at other times. I have a list as long as my arm of the times he let me down when I was ill or pregnant or both!

The most recent being an op last year. I was going under general anaesthetic and was anxious. Asked him to come with me to the op and he said no, why was I making it sound like such a big deal when it's only an op.

I asked him to work from home the day after the op as I'd had the general anaesthetic and Drs said I should not be left alone for 24h. He refused to work from home, even though he could. He left me alone.

Just a quick update for anyone who might still be following this thread (I hope you are because you are all my lifeline at the moment!)

DD seems much better already! We haven't yet had the GP letter for the CAHMS referral, but a few days after the gp appt she went to bed and said 'mummy, I think I do like my school now'. Just this week she said 'oh X doesn't like going to ballet now. It's like me, I didn't use to like school but I do now'

And today we were singing along to bloody Frozen and she said mum Elsa is singing my words - 'I've left my life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve' this is just like me, I've left my old live behind but I am happy in my new life.

It was GREAT to hear her say that. I think just the relief of 'confessing' to me that she was unhappy, (and having her fears acknowledged maybe?) seem to have made a huge difference.

They haven't seen H for 2 weeks now which seems to help them as well.

They now have quite a good if busy weekend routine. Sat mornings is a relax/tv or homework, then gymnastics and then pop out to park or cousins. Tonight I let them stay up and watch Strictly as well which they loved. Massive change from living with H where we would only watch what he wanted to.

Sunday is swimming in the morning and a local dance class in the evening for a show taking place in Dec.

I worry a bit that this full on but they seem to really enjoy it. I am thinking about how tough it will be for them to miss their weekend routine when with H but will cross that bridge when it comes.

Shattered today and had a stressful day as always, but it ended so nicely watching SCD with 3 little girls in my bed!

Glad eldest is feeling heard/understood/loved and happier

Well done you