Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

It sounds like she needed to know it was OK to be sad about her old life before she could move on. You must be so relieved that she's able to tell you, and that she is accepting the changes to her life now. It's probably not over yet, but I hope you have a bit more confidence in yourself and in how to handle the future. I am sure you will handle your path through whatever knotty problems you each encounter with the grace, fundamental sense and kindness you have so far.

How are you doing namechanger?
Glad the kids are a little better.

hello! DD1 is defiantly getting better, she is talking alot more about the break up again, but it feels different, like she is trying to make sense of why it happened, rather than just feeling sad about it per se.

She asked if it was because daddy hit me, but then she said she doesn't want to talk about that any more because it 'freaks me out that someone would do that, especially to my own mum'

I have been following everyone's great advice and keeping things age appropriate without blame, except for the hitting where I have said 'grown ups shouldn't do that to each other and if someone does that to you you should leave'

Followed by their being lots of grown up things that were making mum sad. She asked: 'Was it because daddy used to drag us out of bed in the mornings and you didn't like it?' and 'Was it because he didn't like us going to our friends birthday parties?' and 'Was it because daddy used to go to parties and then drink that stuff and get silly?'

I've never discussed those things with her, or even said them out loud with my siblings etc, so I am 99% certain she has remembered these things for herself and is beginning to put the pieces together. I am neither encouraging nor discouraging her to do this, will let her figure it out herself and answer questions if needed.

My counselling sessions ended this week (block booking was for 21 sessions). I am doing this on my own now.

The divorce petition came through today, so paperwork/finances-wise things will get moving now. I am definitely getting a divorce. It was a bit of a shock and I shook a bit, but it's fine, and has to be done.

H called the DDs today, his once weekly call, too late to speak to DD3 as she was already at nursery (I can get me and 3 DDs out of the door earlier than he can get himself out?! And yet he used to say I and the children were the reason he got to work later every day?!)

They spoke and had a lovely conversation for 10-15 mins, they all laughed and really got on. He didn't talk about seeing them this weekend, which will be the 3rd weekend in a row, so a month without seeing them, at his choice. Definitely doing the right thing in divorcing him.

How are you doing Freckles? X

I'm so glad that your DD1 is happier and feels free to talk to you about these things.

You seem to be slowly realising just how abusive your STBXH really was.

KOKO

Thanks Random.

I still feel sick and shaky whenever I get a text or any communication with him, but that feeling will go eventually I suppose.

Working and meeting a friend for lovely pub lunch today. Am keeping on..

Great update Name. Sorry that you're still shaky and sick, stay strong. You've come such a long way.

Interesting to note how your DD1 saw more than you thought she saw, thankfully you've now removed her/them from that environment. KOKO

Name, that is really good news. It must be really difficult for you when dd1 says things like to stop yourself running away screaming, which would be how I would feel.

Yes so much of me wants to just say to him he can never see the children again, he is harming them so much just by being him.

Yesterday he text me to ask if they have plans this weekend. I said just Saturday morning. He didn't reply. Today he asks what the plans are.

So he is obviously considering seeing them this weekend but hasn't quite made up his might whether he cba. No doubt he won't decide until he wakes on Saturday and decides whether he wants to drive down or not. I'll tell him I need a decision by tonight.

It feels very unreasonable to keep them away from him if we don't have other plans, but the other part of me wants to say never, ever again.

Don't blame you at all. He's not a trustworthy type, is he?

Hey namechanger love, how are you? Sorry haven't been on this thread. Keeping a watchful eye.
Glad your divorce is moving along and glad dd is a bit better.
What a horrible journey to have to go through.
It's a shame he doesn't want to see them more but if that's the way he is, the kids won't thank him for it when they are older.

I'm leaving at half term name, the house is going through ok.
I can't wait to leave.
Have told the teachers at school and we're going down this weekend to have a look.
I've told h what we're doing. Last night he seemed ok but how long that will last I'm not sure!
He's not talking of selling this house yet.

Something nasty happened yesterday with a neighbour (wrote post in R about it) which was the last straw and I just want out right now!

I imagine my h will eventually be like yours (not bothering to visit etc) as they are so similar!
Are you finding the divorce paperwork hard?
Is it as stressful as people make out or is it more the emotional turmoil?

Oh Freckles I didn't realise that was you. I'm even more pleased you are leaving soon.

Name I'm so pleased about your DD.

Oh yes mummytime, it's all happening here
I did ask for a 'sign' mummy!!

Oh and how have you handled his family that you knew?
Did you stop communicating.
Someone called me from abroad (country where his family are) this morning but I didn't answer.
I've also deleted off fb.

Hi Freckles,

I read your other thread, how horrible for you! I hope you are ok It is a real sign that you should leave, I agree, and hopefully a new place to live will take your mind off everything. How is your H being? Is he supportive of whats been going on, and your plans to move?

I am doing ok - H would have got divorce papers last week but is not acknowledging them, so we plough on regardless. He didn't see the children at the weekend, but wants them this coming weekend as his brother is visiting from abroad. He's not seen them in 4 weekends/5 weeks.

His brother is quite a similar personality to H, so I can't imagine DDs having a fun weekend, but they are missing their dad so it's only right they go see him. I will just keep a close check on them when they are back as will the school, I think they will need to go through the process of detaching from him (if thats what they want), in their own time, horrible as it is.

Divorce paperwork has not been difficult to complete, the emotional side of it has been much harder and caused all of my delays so far. I do feel a huge sense of relief now things are moving, and it's made easier for me in a way because H pretends its not happening, and seems to have detached enough to not give me much grief over things by getting angry on the phone etc. I wonder if he has another woman now

I knew his family - I really loved his parents, and found his dad's behaviour in supporting him quite disappointing. I know it's understandable and to be expected that he would stand up for his son, but he promised to protect me after H hit me, and I guess I can now see how empty that promise is, particularly as he is helping H dispose of assets - which takes away security from his grandchildren. Like father like son maybe.

His sister called me, I did pick up and and she was very nice, said she was sad for both of us and hoped the children could all stay in touch. She had seen me cry over H's behaviour during our marriage, as well as seen the good times, so I think inside she knows how difficult her brother can be.

H's best friend also text me a few times and said they consider me a friend and wished me all the best etc. So I feel a bit better knowing they liked me, and I was not as bad as H was telling me/everyone else I was.

I've stayed friends with his family and friends on FB, I don't think he has told his family that we have left, as a few have text me about everyday mundane things, and I have text them back nicely, like I always did. I don't update my FB regularly anyway, so I have just stopped it now. Occasionally one of my friends or relatives will post a photo of DDs, which is taken in our new city, so maybe his family know that I have moved away?

I am not fussed tbh. If I saw them on the street I would be quite happy to show them photos of my bruises or give them the crime reference number for the assault, I don't feel like I have done anything wrong anymore.

I can't believe I am actually saying/thinking these things. I am a different person to who I have been all of these years, and H is getting more and more left behind. The DDs had yet another lovely weekend with my family, they are loved and busy and have a fulfilling life here. This feeling might change, but for now I am finding more and more good days, and very very few bad days. Life is changing for the better, yours will too.

I am counting down the days until you move out

Omg namechanger. It's just the last straw. The police are coming here on Tuesday to pick up a report.
I told h, wish I hadn't. At first he was 'oh gosh, that's terrible, needs to be dealt with and he was going to see the man and his son together and give him a blocking....ect ect....
As always he didn't keep to his word. Went outside to have a quick chat to the old guy for about 2 mins and came back almost smiling, They both think it's all 'ok' now and that's the end of it. I didn't tell him I'd called the police so they both have another thing coming!!

Can't wait to leave this horrible partnof my life behind.
I'm just gong to bath dd before nursery and I''' finish my reply!

Two quick memories whilst I am here, I am in a good place, but little things remind me every day of what I have left behind.

1 - its cold today and I put the heating on. Reminded me of a really cold winter when DD2 was 5 months old. We were living in a rented house (his friends property, which he rented without telling me, so I had to move in with our 2yo and 5 month old, no choice about it).

The house was really old Victorian properties, with single glazed windows and high ceilings, it was really cold anyway, but it was also harsh snowy winter. No parking on the road so I would park a few roads down and navigate slippery roads with DDs. H's best friend owned the house and was redecorating it to rent out, so would be in and out unannounced every single day. If it was messy (i.e. toys left out or dishes not in sink) H would blast me, saying it looks bad in front of his friend. Absolutely hated living there.

Anyway, H had a week off at Xmas time, and the heating was on full blast all week - 24 degrees, so quite hot compared to the 18degrees we usually go with. I thought it was unusual of H to do that, but great as it was freezing and DDs were so young.

The next week he went back to work and so whenever I was at home I kept the house heated as before. He said nothing. Then one day he flipped at me for wasting money by unnecessarily having the heating on. I told him I was only doing what he had done the week before.

But it turned out he had reconnected the gas supply to outside the meter and so heating was free for that week! Now he had gone back to work he had connected the gas supply properly again, and so was angry at me for heating the house / costing money. I had no idea he had disconnected or reconnected, yet I should have known and acted accordingly. And who the fuck denies heating for their young children?? Or plumbs it in illegally?

2 - Reading the TMI thread about forgotten tampons reminded me after I gave birth the second time. I had a horrible birth with eldest, long labour and then an emergency c-section. DD2 was easier, a 7.5h natural birth and so he felt I had it easy, no sympathy at all second time round. I was going through the post-birth bleeding phase, and was bleeding heavily for ages. I couldn't wear tampons because of birth, and so I was using pads, and lots of them. H shouted at me saying I smell worse that the babies nappies. I used to wrap them in nappy bags so he couldn't smell them and get angry again. I know it's not pleasant but ffs he could have been nicer about it.

frecklesandspecs Good on you for calling the police - its really scary taking things into your own hands instead of letting H deal with things in a half-arsed manner. What do you think he said to the old man? Why on earth would they be smiling?

I hope it goes well with the police tomorrow. How are you feeling today?

What will you do if he keeps ignoring the papers OP?
What happens then?
I see he wants them when it's 'convenient' for him!
Do you take them down or does he collect?
If they did have other women op, it might make it easier I guess practically? (horrid maybe emotionally though)
I couldn't wait any longer and told h what I was doing last weekend. He seemed eerily ok about it so I wondered the same thing. BUT, just remember OP how all that being calm and collected can turn into the crape anytime.
It might just be a set up. I never trust h when he's like this.
I'm so glad you are moving upwards and onwards. We are proving we can do it.

About the heating..... had that two. Why are they so weird?!
I bought him a floor lamp for his b'day once and he wouldn't use it as it took up too much electricity!!! He even bought one of these electricity metre things you can use to monitor how much you are using!!
I'm taking said ffcking lamp to my new place with me. It's really quite nice!!!

All this is PA behaviour though I think.
Saying one thing, then another to throw it back in your face.
The tricks are unbelievable!

The nappy thing is horrible OP. He was trying to make you feel shame.

Namechanger, he twisted the whole saga I think.
First he made me feel 'secure' making me feel he would deal with it all and he was so angry with the guy etc ect....
Then he knocks me down again by basically not giving a shit or dealing with it properly, making me feel like I've blown it all out f proportion and I should just forget it.
Him smiling just said to me ' ok, well, it's kind of funny and I really don't care about your feelings'

My brother, for example would have gone around and fucking knocked his block off told him to keep the hell away from me and if he didn't he'd be in deep shit.

What we all know in dealing with a manipulative PA is that people who have not dealt with their games will find it all baffling or just unable to understand.

Hiya freckles he has two weeks to acknowledge the papers (one week has already passed). After that I will get them served in person by a bailiff type officer which he then cannot dispute. It prolongs the process and adds costs, which courts take a dim view of. I have to ask him for money towards children which he will probably ignore as well.

Glad you said that about picking kids up when convenient - it really winds me up that he does this but it sounds so petty to say it out loud! He has not set up any regular schedule of seeing them, just does it on a whim which I am trying my best to control. He usually picks them up, once or twice he has demanded I pick them up/drop them off which I have done or refused to depending on circumstances. This is the first time he has given me this much notice period which is good as I can give the DDs a firm plan for this week which they really need. He has also agreed to bring them back by 2pm on Sunday but I will believe it when I see it. Fingers crossed he is being reasonable, for a while anyway.

I totally get what you are saying about not trusting him when he is being calm, I am exactly the same as I know even when he is acting calm and being ok he will still be storing things up to throw back at me later.

Heating - he installed underfloor heating in our lovely new kitchen and then refused to turn it on as its too expensive! Even when it was winter and kids were walking on freezing tiles - I must have used it twice max in the whole 3 years we had it. He also got an electricity thingy so he could monitor use, even though it was me paying the bills! We had a portable thermostat for the radiators, he would carry his from room to room and adjust the temp according to whether he was hot or cold. It would go down to the living room with him if he was watching tv, and then he would keep it next to his bed so he could adjust at night time and in the morning. Didn't matter if me or DDs were hot or cold, he was the man and he ruled.

Your H smiling definitely shows a total lack of respect for your feelings and a totally minimises how distressing you found it. Like he is looking down on you and your petty problems which he has had to go and fix for you. I am annoyed for you!

My brother is as lovely as yours . When H has been making me question things or feel like I am the bad guy I always use my brothers as the yardstick - would they say or do whatever H was doing? Invariably it's a no. They are decent men and not arrogant controlling shitbags.

What we all know in dealing with a manipulative PA is that people who have not dealt with their games will find it all baffling or just unable to understand.

Absolutely. It's very subtle and confusing. Other people just don't get it. I didn't understand it was happening myself for 8/9 years of our marriage.

Those are horrid memories, Name He was and is an arse, and don't believe for a minute that he has or will change. I feel sorry for the next woman he hooks up with because she will get the same as you had, but I also hope he does find one soon as I think that may make things easier for you.

Freckles, yours is an arse too! I'm so glad you called the cops. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Thanks Jux, I really don't think he will change either.

I remember him making dinner one night when we first married (didn't do it after the first year at all). It was a Thai curry. He gave me a spoonful to try, so I did. Then he told me it had meat in it. I'm a vegetarian.

A few years later he did the same to DD, then aged 6 and also vegetarian.

Every day I am glad I am no longer married to him.