Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

How did it go with the police today freckles? X

Oh boy, Name, that is just gratuitously nasty. I don't have words to dscribe him. I bet he pretended it was a joke, or that he completely minimised it. I hope dd wasn't too upset by it.

Freckles, hope it was OK yesterday.

........It was a Thai curry. He gave me a spoonful to try, so I did. Then he told me it had meat in it. I'm a vegetarian....

I'm just sitting here mouth wide open! How utterly disrespectful. I babysit a very close friends children all the time, they are Muslim, I am not, I would NEVER EVER feed them pork even though I love bacon! It's about respecting their culture/religion, your ex just didn't give a sh*t about YOU.

Basically your beliefs, life choices, religion etc. meant ZERO to him, why did he get married in the first place?!?!?!?!

He married me because I was a doormat when we were dating and he thought he would be able to control me when we were married. I would look after him and his parents and their needs and wouldn't dare to express any of my own. And he was right, that's exactly what I did do.

No, after 9 years I am standing up for myself and he doesn't like it. He has realised I am not playing ball, so he is no longer arguing with me. Eg this weekend he had the DDs and I said they need to be home by 2pm for their cousin's birthday party. He agreed without argument.

DD1 came home and said daddy had a chat with them and told them they are old enough to start making their own decisions, who do they want to see more, their cousin who they see all of the time, or their dad, who doesn't get to see them.

He told her he is free every weekend, but he can't see them because they always have plans. DD1 asked if this is her fault. He said no, but you need to start making decisions now.

DD came home and was upset, and said she feels like she has to choose between us. I said the right things and reassured her, but he has broken her again this weekend.

I am still looking into counselling but the referrals still have not come back despite me chasing.

DD said she doesn't want to see dad at half term, but she doesn't know how to tell him and is worried about what he will say. She is walking on eggshells with him now, just like i did.

I don't know how else I can help her. He is ruining her self-esteem and any decent relationship they could have had.

She said she wants to speak to someone, like mummy, but not someone in the family as daddy made her promise she wouldn't tell mummy what they talked about, and someone in the family might betray her trust (they absolutely wouldn't, but she does worry).

Don't know what I am looking for here, but any words of comfort or suggestions for dealing with this would be much appreciated. I love her so much and I really don't know what I can do for her.

So sorry he's doing this Name - he's just not arguing because he's circumventing you. As always you are dealing with it brilliantly, but log what he's saying to them with their school and say that you feel he is emotionally abusing and manipulating them - having it on record is important. Depending on what they advise perhaps speak to him (email, rather than talk I mean, so you can set it all out and have a record of it) and suggest mediation as a way forward (you can choose to have shuttle mediation due to his abuse, where you don't sit in the same room and the mediator moves between you). You need to get him to commit to a regular commitment of seeing them, not pick them up as he prefers. for you all.

I'd talk to the school in the first instance to ask where to get help from. They may help or they may suggest somewhere else. You need to make sure your doctor and the school are both aware you're trying to protect your daughter as well as obviously trying to help her deal with this ad best she can.

The thing is I would rather that it is not a regular commitment, as it's just so damaging to them. I would rather leave it open ended and let it fizzle out of its own accord.

DD does not want to see him over half-term, but if it was fixed she would be 'forced' to go regardless.

I did text him today:
Me: DD seemed upset when she got home?
Him: She is fine

I didn't continue, I know what he is like, as he didn't agree and would just get nasty if I disagree with him. I have been speaking to my wonderful SIL who is a counsellor and she thinks we have to just let this play out and for DDs to stop contact of their own accord, rather than forcing him to change and address things as he patently will not do this.

I have spoken to school many times, and again this morning. I am wondering if it is enough though - I need it recorded more formally and in detail but I really don't know how. I will give Women's Aid a call today I think.

Doctor was horrified by this all and referred me to CAHMS. Nothing has come through from them despite me chasing.

School said CAHMS will be unlikely to take her as they only deal with the most severe of cases now due to lack of funding. School did a CAF referral, and we will hopefully get an appt with the Family Solutions team, but I am still waiting for this to come through (only applied last week but it feels like a lifetime of waiting).

I am more than willing and happy to go private for this, but I just need to make sure I have someone good who is appropriate for her needs.

I have had great counselling this year, but they were not specialists in abuse and some of the things they said were not quite right, but I had been doing lots of reading around emotional abuse and so I was ok. I don't want to get the wrong type of help and make it worse for her. I just need something.

i dont like the 'daddy made her promise she wouldnt tell mummy what they talked about'...its up to her what she tell you....im afraid that sentence is rather worrying to me

You're in the right track and doing you're very best to fire fight against an abusive are.

Your daughter is so very lucky to have you as her mum

i dont like the 'daddy made her promise she wouldnt tell mummy what they talked about'...its up to her what she tell you....im afraid that sentence is rather worrying to me

This worries me massively too, but they were very giggly and not being very serious about it and my instincts are they were being lighthearted and exaggerating somehow. But it is the kind of thing H would say and so I have not forgotten about it.

DDs both seem very, very happy today after school, their cousins have come to play and so it's not the right time to discuss it. I got DDs a cute diary with a lock so they can write down their feelings, as per SILs advice.

H has text and said he would like to have the DDs over the half term and has given me dates (half a week, he doesn't want them the whole week despite him telling children he doesn't get to see them enough because they have plans).

I asked him what his plans are with DDs for half term and he doesn't yet know. I've told him DD does not want to go to inlaws house again, and wants to go back to our old marital city instead, and he has stopped communicating. I won't make a decision about half term without discussion and agreement from DD now.

If he has decided she is old enough to make her own decisions I will let her decide whichever way she pleases this time.

You're in the right track and doing you're very best to fire fight against an abusive are

Thanks Joysmum. He is an abusive arse, but I feel like I am not doing enough and am worried I won't be able to prove any of this in court if it comes to it. I am still scared of him and of confrontation with him, which is odd since he no longer argues with me. Its really horrible and my worst fear to see my DD walking on eggshells with him in the same way that I did.

Can you ask your counsellor is she can recommend someone for dd?

A diary is not evidence as such, but counts for a lot nevertheless. Keep a diary of everything. Write down the time of contact between you as well as the date. Also, try to make notes on what and when the dd's say anything about it, and what state they are in when they return from contact.

Maybe even note down when emails were sent and recieved - any legal people about, who can say if that's going over the top?

One important thing to teach your all your dc is that they do not keep secrets from you, they can keep surprises like birthday presents but that no-one should tell them to keep secrets. You are their Mum and you will always be their for them and they can trust you with ANYTHING.

Hugs & sadly I'm not surprised he has started these tactics. He doesn't care about having a relationship with them it's about putting you in your place and make your life as unpleasant as possible

daddy made her promise she wouldn't tell mummy what they talked about

Wrong on oh sooo many levels, I freaked out reading that sentence! Random is right in what she has said.

He said no, but you need to start making decisions now.

Well seeing that he's encouraging them to make their own decisions, he now needs to start respecting their decision not to see him or spend all of half term at their grand parents!

The keeping secrets thing is massively wrong I agree, I really don't know what that was about. I'm going to quiz DDs about that some more today or tomorrow when I can.

DD1 and I had another chat last night. She said she is worrying about how to tell dad she doesn't want to go to see him in the half term. I have text him and told him she wants to go to old marital house/city, and true to style he has not replied so
I have no idea what he is thinking. DD2 also said she does not want to go over half term.

He is telling them they need to make decisions but only if the decisions suit him. He won't take this well at all.

I'm going to speak to sol and see if it's a legally wise move to not send them. Don't want to play games with the DDs and keep them away from him but it doesn't suit anybody for them to go if they don't want to. Should I send so they can maintain a relationship with their dad or is it ok to just protect them from him for a bit?

When did I become such a doormat that I can't make these decisions on my own?

Why don't you have a conversation with both of them about secrets - you don't have to mention your EX at all. Just ask them when its good to keep secrets if ever (birthday presents?), about respect for personal privacy, and when you have to share secrets regardless. It's a good thing for them to get straight in their minds. For example if they talk to an adult at school/clubs etc. that adult should always tell them that they will respect a confidence but might have to talk to someone else about it if anyone is in danger or being harmed.

Getting proper legal advice is not being a doormat. You just need to make sure you don't do anything which could come and bite you later.

Had a chat with them this morning and I explained that a good secret is when you are planning something fun, or that mummy would find out about it later. A bad secret is when someone tells you something and tells you to never, ever tell mum about it. That seemed to shock them a bit, it felt like that was exactly what he must have said to them.

DD2 said she forgot what the secret was (this is quite believable as she doesn't pay masses of attention to whats being said). DD1 said she didn't want to talk about it, and she couldn't remember anyway.

H called them this morning - once weekly call, always when I am dropping DD3 to nursery. It was a missed call, I was about to ring him back but both DDs said they don't want to speak to him at all. DD1 said mummy you tell him that I don't want to come at half term. I said fine, you can talk about other things now? She said no, she doesn't want to talk to him at all.

I'm applying to courts for a bailiff service today, so they can deliver divorce papers to him in person this time. They will also be delivering a request for maintenance payments to start now. Bailiffs will mean that he can't deny receiving the papers this time. Third time lucky.

You know, sometimes I am so proud of my girls and where we are now. They are finding the courage to stand up to him and his shitty guilt-trips. They are realising they can come to mum, uncles, aunties, grandparents and we will all fix this for them. They have an army of us supporting them.

You could talk to their school about this. I'm sure "secrets" must be part of PSE, and schools I know do quite often rejig their PSE program to re-enforce messages that are relevant (eg. Cyber bullying).

Hold on to that feeling name you're doing so well in the face of his twattishness

maybe im barking up the wrong tree here.....but this secret stuff is just alarming....they cant or dont want to remember....they dont want to go again....want you to tell him..they seem scared for some reason....big alarm bells are ringing for me.....i dont know you or your husband, i dont want to put ideas in your head.....but i would be looking at supervised visitation if it was me....just to be on the safe side

I think that, short of a court order, you can refuse contact and there is very little he can do about it. That is what I was told by my solicitor, although we were already divorced.

There is no harm in allowing the children to decide how much or how little they want to see him, especially when there is abuse on the table. You are allowing them to set the pace and the contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the children, not the adults. You bending over backwards to facilitate his relationship with them only suits him. So just stop if you feel that is best.

im sorry if i worried you.....but you say yourself....it doesnt sit right with you.....from what you say hes never had much input with the children....maybe its just alien to them and feels strange...maybe not...if it was me i couldnt ignore it....read up about safeguarding of children.....'the welfare of children is paramount'...if the school is becoming involved read up on the info available....good luck x