Finally told my physically/emotionally abusive H I am divorcing him...

[Namechanger2015]

I have been posting about my H since Jan. He assaulted me in Dec in front of my DC. I left in late Jan with my DC and we moved in with my parents 1.5h away, close to my family.

Since then he has offered to sell the family home so we can live together close to my parents, and enrol in an abusers course, and has generally seen the error of his ways. Except of course, he hasn't.

He has decided that he likes the house too much to sell it, and is currently enjoying living alone in the 4-bed detached house that I paid towards with my salary, which he would not allow me access to.

He has decided that the abusers course is 'a load of bollocks' and so refuses to do it. I pinned all of my hopes on this course fixing him, and he won't even try. He knows the alternative is divorce and living away from me and his 3 beautiful DC but it seems that is not enough for him. He will not do the course and he will not sell the family house to buy another.

My immediate family know what he has been like over the years and don't ever want to see him again. Some of my extended family know and are 100% behind me as well.

Last week I told him the solicitor will be in touch to start proceedings and end our marriage. It went like this:

(bland conversation about him wanting to attend a family event with me )
Me: I have spoken to solicitor and they will be in touch
Him: To do what?
Me: To end the marriage
Him: There is no end with children involved
Me: Yes. You can see the children anytime you want to.
Him: And you will hide away? We will always see each other. For the rest of our lives. There is no end.

(2 hours later)
Him: Can you let me know the kids half term dates, I'd like to have them stay for a few days if that's ok.
Me: Yes, thats fine.
etc.

So that was it. I told him I want a divorce, and he mustered up 4 sentences in a text. Nothing else. No promising to do the course, even if he did think it was crap, and no promising to sell the house to buy a place together, simply because he loves that house too much to give up.

So my marriage is over, once the exceedingly slow SHL finally serves the papers. And he didn't even fight, get angry, nothing. Just took it in his stride.

It's further proof that he never loved me, but I can't help feeling angry, sad, robbed. I could have had a life with someone else. As it stands, I have 3 young DC and no partner, and just me.

Trying not to feel to sad or worthless. I have had an amazing weekend with family at a wedding, the DC and I loved it, and my extended family are simply amazing. I could have lived in the wedding hotel with them all for ever, we have so much love between us all.

But I don't have a spouse. After 9 years of marriage. I did it all alone, nobody to chitter about what the food was like, or that I liked the brides dress, or whether the DC enjoyed it. I know the whole experience would have been different with him there, and probably not in a good way. But it was lonely, and a bit of a wake-up call.

I'm not even worth selling a house or attending a crappy course for. He would rather let me go than do that for me, after 9 years and 3 children.

I am actually shocked, surprised and hurt at how little I meant to him by the end of our marriage.

School were great today. They will allocate a time for DD1 to go sit and talk to welfare/safeguarding teacher once a week and will document everything. They will only flag with me if it's a safeguarding concern.

I explained about the secret, and they agree that it's worrying, so will keep an eye on that and also discuss good secrets and bad secrets during class time.

I think I will give DD a few more days and if she doesn't want to see dad she doesn't have to.

DD was adamant she wanted me to speak to H today. She said she did want to go see him after all, but not at inlaws.

I called him, and she said she wants to see him Fri-Mon. He said fine, but it's not enough time for them to go back to our old marital town (its only 1.5h from my house ffs), so in that case they would have to go to their grandparents house again. He was very keen to go to grandparents as always.

She said fine, she will stay with him till Tuesday so they could go back to old town (missing one day of her holiday club). He was clearly reluctant on the phone and asked why she wants to go back there - she said so we can ride on scooters and visit her old school friends.

He said it's cold outside so they wouldn't be able to go out much, and he wasn't sure about school friends, what was he supposed to do, drop her off to peoples houses? He said we will work something out.

And that was that. DD feels very relieved and happy, but doesn't realise that he has manipulated her by making her stay an extra day when she didn't want to, and making her justify her reasons for wanting to go when there was no need. I am not sure my intervening would have been helpful so I stayed out of the conversation. DD now feels back in control and wants to go, so I will let her take the lead on this for now.

Should I have intervened and told him is more than reasonable to take DDs back to our marital house for 4 days, its not necessary that she would have to stay for 5 days at all? DD seemed pleased to give up the Tuesday for him, when previously she didn't want to. It's bugging me.

I guess the answer is that it is not harming her to go for an extra day, and so I should let them be...

I think it's positive that your dd felt able to insist on getting something that she wanted. Yes she compromised but that was something she was willing to do to get what she wanted so it's okay.

Do you think he'll stick to his word?

She did sort of insist, as much as you can with him, but it still felt like he was getting his way more that she was getting hers. I don't know.

I don't feel right letting her be unknowingly manipulated by him - its only 1.5h, 2h tops for him to get here, and even closer if he came straight from work which he could do, so all this talk of 4 day snot being enough time to take her home is just bullshit. He is deliberately misleading her, for his own convenience.

I don't think he will come on Thursday, even though they made a plan he said 'let's see, I'll try and sort something out', so was as vague and noncommittal as ever.

I think he will decide Thursday is too difficult and will pick them up on Friday. He will most likely also tell me I have to meet him halfway to pick the girls up from him, which I have no intention of doing this time. I did it last time, and I'm not picking up his slack any more.

The sol has drafted a letter to send him re finances, request for child maintenance to be paid, and threats of freezing his accounts since he is playing silly buggers our marital finances. It'll be the first official time he will hear of finances coming into play, and its going to be a real shock. I am hoping this will not impact his behaviour with the children.

Application for bailiff to deliver papers - sent! Hopefully served soon and we can get things moving.

The school referral came through, I spoke to a lovely lady who is coming round for a home visit next week.

The school welfare teacher and let DD know she has a regular slot booked in when she can go to the office and talk about anything that is worrying here.

Things are finally happening!

NC can I suggest that the letter from the solicitor, and any bailiff action, take place at a time when he will definitely not have the girls with him?

The letter about finances, in particular I think, could trigger a rage.

Hi pocket, hmm, I agree. I do think the finances letter may be the one that lights the fuse.

When I spoke with the courts they said the bailiff would call me directly and we would then liaise on the next time for him to deliver the papers (i.e. morning or evening).

I'll make sure it's when DDs are not about, I think you are right and that could really aggravate him. The courts have a backlog, so it should be after DDs are back with me, but I think I will have to call them tomorrow and double check.

Things are beginning to move at last!

They are Jux. And it feels great that we are getting away from him.

I can see his manipulating of the children so clearly now - guilt trips and exaggerations and outright lies - exactly what he did to me. It's outrageous we lived with that for so long and didn't even realise it.

I'm so glad to be leaving him behind. My DDs are too, although they love him their lives are so much better without him controlling every move.

I'm feeling really uneasy about this and need to let it out.

DDs have gone to stay with ExH for a few days as its half term. As described above he is still being quite manipulative.

In the days before he left, DD1 told me she wants to take off her religious jewellery before she goes - it's very small and inexpensive but something DDs and I and my whole family wear, it means a lot to me. I said that's fine, she can take it off and leave it with me, and I asked why as she was quite keen to have it previously.

She said when she daddy sees it he gets annoyed with her and asks why she isn't wearing jewellery from his religion instead (maybe because they don't own any because he has never bought any for them?!)

She also asked to take her own spending money. I said no and said they don't need money (as they are only 8, 6 and 3) and daddy will buy them things if they need it.

6yo said 'Daddy won't buy us things we have to use our money. We went to the park and there was a bouncy castle. Daddy said we can't go on it. But I said I have my own money, so he said ok then'

Eldest then said something similar later in the day, so I have let them take their pocket money purses now.

8yo asked to take her iPad (the family iPad, not hers exclusively) with her to dads, I said no as I know she will be on it the whole time, and as its linked to my Amazon account I worry that H would see some of the books I have bought (eg Lundy Bancroft).

I told her to take other things - eg her new book etc, but she said she wants her iPad so she can email me. I told her she can always call me instead but she said dad won't let her. If she asks me says no, and if she says why he says 'because I said so'.

I called them (ExH mobile) yesterday and he didn't pick up and didn't call back. Same again this morning. From experience I know that I will have to keep calling and maybe one call in 4 or 5 he would answer - this was certainly the case last time he had them anyway.

I don't want to be continuously calling, I find it hard enough to keep busy and distracted when they are away and constant calling makes me feel really uneasy and worried about them.

I always either answer his calls or call him straight back when he wants to speak to the DDs, I never bad mouth him etc but he seems to be playing this horrible parental alienation thing. I hate it.

I have got plenty to do today which is good but I feel sick at not being able to speak to them. A bit of an over reaction and I'm sure over time I'll get used it this.

But right now I feel I dont want them to see him again if this is how he will behave. Xmas holidays are looming and I don't want to do this again.

We are not speaking, we haven't done in months unless it's to do with the DDs. I will see how they are when they come back and I'll take it from there. I hate this.

Hugs NC he really is an awful man who doesn't love his dds

It' Sunday now. They left on Thursday and I haven't been able to speak to them since they left. I have no idea if they will be asking to call me or not, or just enjoying their time with dad. I would have thought I have a right to speak to them though?

There is no point talking to him about it as it really goes in one ear and out of the other, he is a classic narc who thinks only of his own needs and not of the children's. I'm sure they will be having a lovely time but its unnerving when I am not being allowed to speak with them. I just want them home now.

When are they due back? Sounds like it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to be busy or unable to answer when he calls a few times. Maybe have them available to speak to at a set time eg 5-6 but otherwise you don't hear the phone? Not as a game but as a way of calming the nerves of him always being able to rattle you by ringing. Your poor dc having to go through his games.

They are not due back until Tuesday evening. Even then, I will get one word text on the day: Left. And so I will plan their arrival around that - I'll estimate the traffic and what time they will arrive, and I will guess as to whether they have eaten any dinner or not. He could return them at 5pm or midnight, I really don't know.

I have set time with him in the past and he ignores them. I have said things like 'they need to back by 5pm ready for dance class' and he says 'ok' and then he takes it out on the children, particularly my 8yo, telling them they should decide what is more important, dance or spending time with daddy.

He only calls them once a week only (his choice), always on his drive to work on a Tuesday morning. My nerves are frayed enough waiting for that call, but he never ever calls again during the week or weekend, so that makes it easier for me and the DDs at least. They certainly seem more settled when they are not seeing him, and DD is always upset for a week or so after she has seen him, and trickles out little stories of what has been said or done that weekend.

On every pick up and drop off he tells me to drop the DDs off to him and pick them up from him - I have learned to say no to this. This Thursday he wanted to fetch them from school and nursery and drive them to his work place, 2.5h away. I said no. He persisted, and I said no again.

Last time he had them, he told me there was a motorway accident at his drop-off time, and I would have to meet him at the services instead to pick up DDs. So I went. There was no accident. It was just an easier journey for him.

I've booked my car in for a service on Tuesday and so I will not be able to go to him and pick up the DDs, he will have to bring them to me.

I really don't want to play games, but he lies and twists and manipulates everything he can. If not controlling over me, then over our children.

I feel really uneasy thinking the kids might want to speak to me and he is denying them this.

I don't have the courage to deny him contact altogether, I think DDs will come to this decision themselves and that will be better for them in the long run. But this is hard.

From now one ensure that there visits with him are much, much shorter. For all the dds would rather go to the former marital home perhaps it's better off when they are with their grandparents because it dilutes his influence?

Name, can you not give your daughter a mobile phone for them to call you when they are with him (it will drive him mad, but then at least you can talk to them whilst they are away)? He's awful, just awful! My heart goes out to you and your babies....why can't you simply go no contact? Surely there are grounds?!?!?!

I second giving them a cheap PAYG mobile with credit on it and your number(s) programmed in. Your DDs should be allowed to contact you whenever they want to. Your STBXH is an atrocious cunt.

I get the feeling that he would confiscate a mobile phone as it's "his" time with them and they shouldn't be thinking about or speaking to name. It's nonsense but I reckon close to his thought process unfortunately

He may well do that, but if it gets to court then that kind of behaviour will look very bad, especially if the children, through an independant assesor, say that they want, but are not allowed, to contact their mother.

he would have confiscated the tablet too the presumably?

Finally spoke to them! They were in the car on their way to swimming, so it was easy enough for him to hand the phone over. They are ok and they are happy, thank goodness, I was starting to have a little panic.

It was exactly the same over the summer when they stayed with him for 2 weeks. He would not return any missed calls, and I eventually spoke to them when they were in the car on their way to the park. So it was lucky timing again this time.

My heart goes out to you and your babies....why can't you simply go no contact? Surely there are grounds?!?!?!

I can't go no contact, they do enjoy their time with him, and as much as he manipulates them, I really believe I need to let them make this decision by themselves as they get older, instead of forcing no-contact upon them. They would hate me for it later, and deservedly so IMO.

Your STBXH is an atrocious cunt.

Yes. When I was married to him I thought it was all about understanding his POV more, and was so utterly programmed to put him first, I didn't even see it myself. The more distance I have the more I can see that yes, he is exactly that, and more. And worse, my DDs are mimicking my compliant behaviour because he is doing the same to them.

I get the feeling that he would confiscate a mobile phone as it's "his" time with them and they shouldn't be thinking about or speaking to name

He would definitely confiscate the phone and say they are too young, and ask them 'Whats more important? Calling mummy who you see all of the time, or spending time with daddy?'

I think will let her take her Kindle next time, as she can email me before she goes to bed or whatever, and I don't think he would confiscate it as it keeps her busy online.

My only concern is that she said she has a question to ask me, but not in front of her sisters, and wants to ask me later in private, so she is going to call me later on tonight. It's got to be something exH has put her up to, as he would not be letting her call me otherwise.

I think she will say she wants to stay there for an extra day. Hmm. I really don't want it. But not sure I can say no.

Thank you for your handholding. I still can't manage this or him without you all to stop me sliding back.

Have something arranged that they HAVE to come back for then you can justifiably so no.

I have tried that - they have had to be back for various birthday parties and weekend classes, but he just expects them to miss out on going, because they 'should be spending time with daddy'

When we were married he shouted at me in the street for taking my 5yo daughter to her classmates birthday party, saying 'haven't you got anything better to do with your time?' and 'these people are nobodies, and you are just off spending time with them'. DD1 still remembers that. When we held a joint party for DD2 with her best friend from school, he told the friends parents that he didn't believe in doing parties with school friends as they are nobodies, and parties should be with family only

He even argued when I said DD had to be back for a hospital appt, I sent him a photo of the appt letter and he still kicked up a fuss (although he did drop her off to me).

He is just impossible to work with, he doesn't budge an inch, and if he doesn't like what is being said, he just pretends it's not been said.

I have been trying to serve divorce papers on him since May, and he still will say he doesn't know what I am talking about, and he has never received the papers. This is despite the solicitor sending them 3 times via email, me telling him on the phone that they are in his inbox and spelling my solicitors name for him, and the court also issuing him the papers.

If he doesn't like what's being said, he just won't respond.

Thank goodness they are back tomorrow evening.

She hasn't yet called, will see if daddy lets her. I just realised he won't be wanting them to stay an extra day because that would mean he would need to take an extra day off work to look after them.