Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife?

[chasegirl]

Dd has a small presentation this weekend for her hobby. its only for her class so maybe 20 children. I let exp kbow and he wants to bring his 6 month pregnant wife. I dont want her there-she was OW and is 20 years younger than me and ex. We broke up 2 years ago.
I want to text him to ask him not to bring her but not sure if that would make him feel smug and that I am still bothered. am not but think it will be just too uncomfortable and a bit humiliating for me given its only a small event.
Plus they will have just returned from holiday so will be all relaxed/tanned etc :-(
What shall I do? Text him or suck it up??

Good work chase :)

Oh well done you complete star!

I often find the run-up to dreaded things is often the worse bit - when the moment comes, you step out into the lights and fear propels you forward somehow. It's a massive shot in the arm to get through it with grace.

Bloody well done

Well done Chase. A major first hurdle done. Go girl!

I don't think it's necessary or appropriate to have more than two parents present at something like this and I think you should just tell him that. It's not like you are banning her from your DD's wedding, is it?

I think as she was the OW it's pretty shit of him and her to not recognise that there are times when it would be the decent thing for her to to stay politely in the background, to allow you to enjoy family events without being made to feel uncomfortable by her presence. It really isn't necessary for her to be encroaching on your territory for something so trivial and she's hardly going to be heartbroken if she can't go, whereas you may well be upset if she does. Is she going to turn up to every parents-teacher consultation as well?

God - dressing up to the nines when ex comes round. How pathetic! Do these women not have anything better to do with their time?!

I don't think going to a parents evening is the same as going to these types of things at all. I would never dream of going to my partners kids parents evenings but they always ask me to go to their birthdays, plays etc. DPs ex didn't want me at their last bday party so I pretended I couldn't make it as didn't want her to feel uncomfortable but tbh I hated pretending and thought it was a shame for the dd.

Likewise with performances to date I haven't gone but the kids ask for me to go. It's tricky. We've said now that if they want me to go I will go and the ex will have to find a way to deal with it for the kids as I will be in their lives.

I think it sounds like you did amazingly :) and shame on them for turning up late!! You will look totally like the bigger person (and better parent). It will get easier as time goes by. Best wishes to you

I agree it IS pathetic to make yourself look really nice when the ExH comes round to pick up the kids, but two of my divorcee friends are known to do this. . I got the impression it happens a lot
I get the feeling, they don't want their EX's back, but like to mess with their heads
Like one said to me: ''It's as if the tables have turned - the new wife has become the humdrum, nagging, boring, one and I'm now the exciting one that is seen occasionally, so he sees me in a new light''.

I think the patheticness depends on the reason for it, tbh.
If they're dressing up to the nines to show the ex what he gave up, or to try and draw him back, then I'd go with pathetic.
BUT if it's just to show that actually, life goes on and you can still look great despite him having fucked off, then fine. Not pathetic, sensible and good for self-esteem and dignity in general.
"Messing with their heads" - again, depends on preferred outcome - if it's to show them that you're getting on with life, great; if trying to show them what they're missing, not so much.

Gosh donemekmelarf what a shame your friend still has that much emotional energy available for her ex, especially when he's chosen to spend his life with someone else.

He probably rolls his eyes at her and has a little chuckle inside.

I know we do this about my partners ex. She is forever sending texts to "make a point" about her new life and he could not be less bothered. TBH I think it reflects really badly on the ex wife... making them seem like they still care what they're ex thinks of them. If she has a new partner I'd bet he finds it a bit odd if she's hanging out in trackies and then gets all dolled up just before her ex is coming round...

Agree that getting dressed up for self esteem in general is good but just think its a little sad if it's just reserved for the ex's eyes....

No, aftermath, to the contrary, she has a very full life and has moved on from her exH.
But, she says he often has a little glint in his eye when he comes round.
I think she enjoys messing with him

I understand the dressing up thing. I don;t think it's pathetic, especially not in view of the fact that almost every bloke who ever ran off with an OW in has at trotted out the line 'she never wanted sex, she let herself go, turned into a killjoy and a nag, she became a mother and stopped caring about being my wife.' etc, etc, ad nauseum.

It's not about wanting him back or not wanting him back or trying to make yourself look better than the OW. It's about putting your best food forward, having some pride and self esteem even when inside you might feel really fragile.

It's holding your head up, your shoulders back and your chin out, and striding around look fabulous and in control like Nigella going into court each day. It's not about what going inside, it's about saying 'Fuck You, I'm strong and fabulous and you I won't let you or what you've done make me feel otherwise' on the outside.

Even if you put your nightie on and have a cry once he's gone.

foot not food!

I agree, ItsRaining, the exW isn't 'dressing up' as such, (that was a poor choice of words) - Its more a case of a woman taking pride in her appearance and getting on with her life, but, at the same time, having a little fun by letting him know what he's missing and was so quick to throw away.

As you say, when the affair is going on, the wife gets accused of being a drudge 'letting herself go, being a nag etc'.
But the tables turn - the mistress ends up takes on the role of the wife, who he's seeing day in and day out and the exW, who he only sees occasionally, becomes the 'interesting' 'together' one.

There is almost a complete role reversal.

If I am going into ANY situation where I'm nervous or apprehensive or feel on the back foot, i make a concerted effort to look as good as I can. It's not about sticking it to anyone else, it's about giving myself the best shot of feeling confident and in control.

I wouldn't do that for my exH though. If he sees me dressed up he'll say "you look nice.going so where nice?" It wouldn't cross my mind to "mess with his head"

I would find this hard if I was in your position, but thinking of your DD it is important that she builds a relationship of her own with her step-mother, and this is an important time with a half-sibling on the way.

Therefore I think it is in your DD's best interests that the OW is there, taking an interest in your DD.