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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife?

190 replies

chasegirl · 12/05/2015 17:27

Dd has a small presentation this weekend for her hobby. its only for her class so maybe 20 children. I let exp kbow and he wants to bring his 6 month pregnant wife. I dont want her there-she was OW and is 20 years younger than me and ex. We broke up 2 years ago.
I want to text him to ask him not to bring her but not sure if that would make him feel smug and that I am still bothered. am not but think it will be just too uncomfortable and a bit humiliating for me given its only a small event.
Plus they will have just returned from holiday so will be all relaxed/tanned etc :-(
What shall I do? Text him or suck it up??

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 12/05/2015 19:50

Can't you just tell ex that it's only 2 tickets per family and you're having one of them?
His wife could drop him off, have an hour or so to herself, then meet you all for a meal later. You'll only have to grit your teeth for an hour or so (admittedly hard while eating Grin) and pg wife can help celebrate award without actually being present at the event.

Original poster
chasegirl · 12/05/2015 19:51

Thank you all for the support and advice. I always get that on this board which is why I still post x

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 12/05/2015 19:54

Sorry op it's understandable regarding how your marriage broke up. The only thing you have to do is just go there with your head held up high and with dignity. You have done nothing wrong. Just use these small events as experience to getting used to seeing her around. Good luck.

Lovemylittlebear · 12/05/2015 20:00

Get a good spray tan, take a friend and have a mental image of OW taking a massive crap infront of the whole room...or just take heart inthe fact that she's a DICK and you are not. Sorry it sounds like it will be a tough morning...but your daughter will appreciate you going to things like that when she is old enough to understand how tricky things are for you ATM. All the best xx

steelchic · 12/05/2015 20:00

So sorry you're going through this OP, my ExH also left for a younger woman and they now have a baby. So far OW hasn't been interested in going to any events involving my DC's (school , clubs etc) She and your ex should have the decency to not even consider her going. How hurtful for you. She may think she is Queen Bee with your Ex and new baby on the way but in reality if she does go everyone will know what he/she did to you. So keep to your head held high and if poss take a friend or another family member with you for support x

Paddlingduck · 12/05/2015 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 12/05/2015 20:11

I can see why you don't want her there, but I think id suck it up. If you ask him not to bring her you look like you're still bothered (which of course you are but you don't want them to know!). If you've got the time/money id have my hair blow dried, have a spray tan, but on my best casual outfit and act all calm and breezy!

FelicityGubbins · 12/05/2015 20:16

Time is the best revenge op, in another 6 months she will have a new baby and look like total shit (as we all do) and you can float round with a tan/nails done/ no baby sick coated tops etc..

Sickoffrozen · 12/05/2015 20:32

Yep....and after a couple of years of post baby boredom he will probably be shagging someone else!

DowntownFunk · 12/05/2015 20:47

You could ask him not to bring her but if he does anyway be completely unbothered as per PP.

They're the bellends, not you.

lunar1 · 12/05/2015 20:54

They are a pair of twats, you know it and everybody there will know it. She doesn't deserve the title of step mum and really should just fuck off. Sadly people with such low morals won't be self aware enough to realise how inappropriate here being there is.

WastingMyYoungYears · 12/05/2015 20:54

They should be ashamed, while you can revel in your clean conscience. Good luck.

Walkacrossthesand · 12/05/2015 21:28

Can you make an arrangement with one friend to sit with her & her DH, so you have someone to talk to during the refreshments? I'd be dreading sitting alone while ex and OW swanned about all couply.

Toughasoldboots · 12/05/2015 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 12/05/2015 23:24

Why shouldn't you be jealous/show your anger? It is immaterial what they think, their opinion is hardly valuable.

Of course I don't mean you let dd see or know but, come on, they're the criminals who committed the crime, why should you pretend they didn't?

You could say it is grossly inappropriate for her to be there at such a small event - you don't have to cover the truth. He only has the 'right' be there because of biology, anyway.

Fleecyleesy · 12/05/2015 23:32

Agree with those who said brazen it out with the pair of them there. He's the one who should be embarrassed, leaving his family for a 20 years younger OW. I doubt anyone will be judging you for his actions, probably they will sympathise.

Viviennemary · 12/05/2015 23:38

If you don't want her there then she shouldn't be. It's your DD getting the award. Nothing to do with her. But tactically whether or not you should let him know you're bother is another matter. If she had any decency she'd stay away. But she obviously hasn't being the OW.

AliceAnneB · 12/05/2015 23:51

This must be hard for you but I think for your Dd's sake you shouldn't try to exclude her stepmother. How it all happened won't matter to a kid. She is going to have a new 1/2 brother or sister soon and the more cohesive her family is the better. I'm sure the stepmother isn't exactly doing cartwheels over coming either.

Soon enough the new sibling will want to come see his or her big sis at events like these. It's best to find a way to deal with it now.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 23:59

You could always discreetly tell people she's his oldest daughter?

mojo17 · 13/05/2015 00:03

Horrible for you
The only text I would send would be to point out that it would be awkward embarrassing for your his dad and you're sure you don't want to upset her even more than he already has and suggest for this occasion for ow to stay at home
Put it all about your lovely dd

honeyroar · 13/05/2015 00:03

I love it when people say it's nothing to do with the stepmum. Of course it is, it's her husband's daughter.. Like it or not the woman is part of the dd's family. It's a good thing that she cares about the DD and wants to celebrate her achievements at school. Imagine if the stepmum hated the child and didn't care. Surely that would be worse? A food stepmum should be interested and happy for the child on special occasions. I'm a stepmum. I wouldn't ever want to be his mum or muscle in on parent's evening etc, but I have been to various school prize givings etc. We usually sit with DH's ex. It's probably nice for DSS.

OP I feel for you and understand, but you need to be able to ignore it. Try and focus on your daughter. Think that the OW will probably be feeling awkward too, and fat perhaps if in the second half of her pregnancy. Try and sit with friends away from them and enjoy yourself.

DistanceCall · 13/05/2015 00:10

The thing is, your ex's wife is a part of your child's life now. In the best-case scenario, she will get on well with your daughter. So I wouldn't want to disrupt that by asking for her to be excluded, etc. (particularly given that she is now pregnant with your daughter's half-sibling).

It's going to awkward, but for her too, as the PP said. I would personally try to behave as naturally as possible, and brush it off.

Viviennemary · 13/05/2015 00:14

Good idea saying two tickets only. And I don't see why the OP should suck it up and be nice. It's up to her of course. I wouldn't cut them any slack tbh. They don't deserve it. Outraged on your behalf OP!

Coyoacan · 13/05/2015 05:20

But whatever happens don't even feel humiliated by their presence. Handsome is as handsome does.

00100001 · 13/05/2015 07:24

I don't think she should lie about two tickets, that would be easily found out.

The little girl might adore this woman and want her there, it would be hard for the girl to understand why the step-mum isn't there.

This isn't going to be the last time the SM will be present for things.

If they had separated amiably and this SM was around for events there wouldn't be much question about her presence, in fact it would look bad if she wasn't there sometimes.

So, yes, unfortunately, the OP noy wanting the SM there is the OPs problem, she's the only one that doesn't want her there because of her own personal dislike of the lady

OP has to find a way to deal with this now and in the future, and if that means pleasantries a few times a year for the sake if DD then that's how it must be :/

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