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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife?

190 replies

chasegirl · 12/05/2015 17:27

Dd has a small presentation this weekend for her hobby. its only for her class so maybe 20 children. I let exp kbow and he wants to bring his 6 month pregnant wife. I dont want her there-she was OW and is 20 years younger than me and ex. We broke up 2 years ago.
I want to text him to ask him not to bring her but not sure if that would make him feel smug and that I am still bothered. am not but think it will be just too uncomfortable and a bit humiliating for me given its only a small event.
Plus they will have just returned from holiday so will be all relaxed/tanned etc :-(
What shall I do? Text him or suck it up??

OP posts:

00100001 · 13/05/2015 16:25

oh so it's not possible? Because you say so??

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 16:36

No 001 Not because daffs says so but because you are being ridiculous. You are extrapolating and making wild assumptions. That's why.

00100001 · 13/05/2015 16:36

so is everybody else!

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 16:40

No 001 Everybody else is either offering constructive advice or speaking about their own experiences to give OP some sort of measure. You (by that very comment) are making totally wild guesses and improbable assumptions.

00100001 · 13/05/2015 16:42

I was just saying there is alot we don't know. It was taken the wrong way by some pople.

I am not the only person to suggest that the OP will have to face this woman and accept that she will be there

The point I made is the OPs feelings aren't the only thing in play here.

HerRoyalNotness · 13/05/2015 16:42

That's so funny daffs!

Sometimes I think it would be easier to meet people in this way, perfect strangers, having a chat, as there would be no preconceptions, or building it up in your head to a big thing. You probably felt very relaxed, whereas she was in a frenzy as she knew exactly who you were. I would have loved to see that!

Nolim · 13/05/2015 16:44

What is the wild assumption tbat binary is making? I missed that post.

Mumfun · 13/05/2015 16:46

OW and FW were selfish when they had the affair and are being selfish still. She has no business coming to the performance . Selfish and inappropriate still.

But not much you can do.

And as Regina said they will get their comeuppance. He ll cheat on her at some point and/or when he is 70 and ageing she will leave him and go off with someone else. They are both fundamentally untrustworthy and they both know it hence will insist on keeping tabs on each other.

When your DD is too young to know the situation it is difficult and I think you just have to let it go on this occasion. Wish it was otherwise.

00100001 · 13/05/2015 16:47

So did I nolim....

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 16:51

Not actually sure I gave any good advice I was just angry on OP's behalf

FantasticButtocks · 13/05/2015 17:09

The reason to not ask him to keep his wife away, is so that you have the upper hand. If they think you give a toss then they have the upper hand and may even relish your discomfort. I wouldn't be giving them that opportunity.
(If it had been two months ago instead of two years, that would be different)
As pp have said, she and he are married and having a child together, so situations like this are very likely to occur throughout future years. So you may as well start as you mean to go on.

You just go and get on with your business, and let ex and his W be gossiped about and judged if they are parading love's young dream about in front of all and sundry. She may feel quite nervous and awkward if she sees you are fine and enjoying yourself while she is being stared at.

Original poster

chasegirl · 13/05/2015 18:49

I have decided not to ask him. I will be the bigger person and go and sit as far away as I can from them and try my best to avoid them.
I am going shoping tomorrow to get a new outfit and will put my face on Saturday.
Ex was never very sensitive towards other people and has skin like a rhino. He would probably love it if I asked him not to bring wife he would get really smug. She may well be similar.
I do wonder hiw long they will last-he might find himself in my position which would be interesting!!
I am still single very happily so!

OP posts:

Nolim · 13/05/2015 18:59

Good luck op.

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 19:07

Seconded here with the best wishes OP! Remember the three C's:
-Cool
-Calm
-Collected

You put the war paint on if you feel you need to and go shopping to get that great out fit as you intend! Make sure to smile and act as if you couldn't give a shit in the world!

Come back and let us know how it went. We're rooting for you! And best of luck to little DD too! She's the here!

Spotifymuse · 13/05/2015 19:11

Yay go OP
Hope you and Dd have a lovely time.

Husbanddoestheironing · 13/05/2015 19:17

Good luck, it sounds like a good plan, and I'm sure you will look great- ten to one she will be feeling like an elephant and all those other things that are annoying by six months. Think of a couple of good lines too just in case you can't avoid them completely- 'oh I do hope the birth isn't toooo awful, you just never know' and similar. On the plus side she will soon be far too busy to butt into come to anything else for a while, and will probably be less inclined to want to.

OVienna · 13/05/2015 19:23

How old is your DCs OP?

This - 100%:

PeruvianFoodLover · 13/05/2015 19:29

I think it's a bit short sighted to hope that the OW is eventually cheated on in same way.
Not only will that impact any DCs she may have, but it also creates a second split family for the DCs of the origional partnership - who will undoubtedly be disrupted and hurt by the separation of their father from their step mum and half sibs.

The best-case scenario for the DCs is that the adult relationships remain stable, surely?

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 19:42

Peruvian I'd like to think that no-one was explicitly hoping that OW would find herself in the same situation. However, it must be pointed out as the saying goes 'When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy'. Not only is she nearly 20 years younger than him and therefore could take off at leisure without a backward glance, he was unfaithful to his (first) wife and therefore it is in his capacity to do it again.

Husband I hope she has better come backs than that. Being PA isn't the way to go, I'd much rather she complemented her as it will catch her off guard. They would be expecting OP to be bitter, they'd probably hope she was, but she's not going to be... I hope.

The OW might well enjoy being stared at and love being the centre of attention. Equally she could feel awkward and nervous. We don't know. But OP will do just fine with a smile and a relaxed attitude.

OP, if you feel yourself having a wobble on the day don't hesitate to post. We'll be here!

theaftermath · 13/05/2015 20:09

It's your DDs choice who goes and although it hurts you should let her decide. As other people have said at least her stepmum shows an interest.

My DPs ex made loads of comments about me to her DCs and tbh all it did was fuck them up. She didn't have the emotional intelligence to see it would mess with their heads as they felt so divided.

It must be so painful for you but try and be the bigger person... He left you so screw him, you don't want to be with someone who'd do that to you.

You will have to accept your ex's partner into your life though and the baby (hard as that will be) as it will be DDs bro or sis...

Sorry though, it must be shite x

Original poster

chasegirl · 13/05/2015 20:10

Thank you all. Will get an early night too so I dont look like my normal tired self
Dd is 7. Will let you know how it goes. Thank you all again

OP posts:

theaftermath · 13/05/2015 20:10

Btw... She's not the OW, she's your ex's wife.... I don't think it will help you to harbour the OW label

theaftermath · 13/05/2015 20:29

Apologies OP, just realised it's not you calling her the OW. Sorry!

TheHumblePotato · 13/05/2015 20:39

aftermath whoever is calling her OW is very right. She is the OW, plain and simple. She's the carbon copy. Even if it's not OP using that term (although OP did refer to her as "she was OW" in her post), I see no reason to not call a spade a spade.
Just because you call it what it is doesn't mean you are 'harbouring' things. It just means you see things for what they are. That woman is an OW however you want to view the situation. Even if this was 14 years from now and DD was graduating from Uni and the discussion was about whether or not OW should come to the ceremony then that woman would still be an OW.. She will carry that title for life IMHO.

Vivvya2015 · 13/05/2015 20:48

Hi OP, I have only read the first page of this thread.mbut just wanted to say, if OW does come, everyone will look at her and think UGH. And think your ex h is a dick.

Rise above it. She shouldn't come. She should stay out of it. But if she does, just rise above it. Real beauty has nothing to do with youth or tans or whatever. It comes from living through the crap you have and coming out with grace and dignity and kindness.

You should give zero fucks.

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