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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife?

190 replies

chasegirl · 12/05/2015 17:27

Dd has a small presentation this weekend for her hobby. its only for her class so maybe 20 children. I let exp kbow and he wants to bring his 6 month pregnant wife. I dont want her there-she was OW and is 20 years younger than me and ex. We broke up 2 years ago.
I want to text him to ask him not to bring her but not sure if that would make him feel smug and that I am still bothered. am not but think it will be just too uncomfortable and a bit humiliating for me given its only a small event.
Plus they will have just returned from holiday so will be all relaxed/tanned etc :-(
What shall I do? Text him or suck it up??

OP posts:
00100001 · 13/05/2015 07:28

And "they don't deserve it" is not helpful. If the child wants the SM there and the only reason SM " can't go" is because Mum doesn't like her (for good reason) or eant to taln to her, then it's not a reason to disappoint and upset the child.

Sometimes we all have to do things wed rather not, but you sometimes have little choice

00100001 · 13/05/2015 07:29

And this is an issue between the parents, its not the child's fault so she shouldnt be 'punished' by not having her SM present

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 07:35

It's a good thing that she cares about the DD and wants to celebrate her achievements at school. Imagine if the stepmum hated the child and didn't care.

Did the last few posters miss the part where OP says dd doesn't like this woman??

00100001 · 13/05/2015 07:52

Errrr Walter where does it say that? The OP says "Sge [sic] does get on with his wife"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2015 07:58

Sadly yes, you have to just put up with it. Best defence is to show you absolutely don't give a shit. Dress yourself up to look your best, get your hair done, the works - but not too obviously! Make sure you look immaculate and wear high heels.

With a bit of luck she'll have morning sickness, bedraggled hair, look dreadfully frumpy etc.

IF you end up having to actually speak to them (and I admit I'd try to avoid this if possible) then just do the tinkly laugh thing about how happy you are that you're not the pregnant one, it's such a drag and the piles! plus all the horrors of childbirth.

Hardest thing in the world to have your replacement shoved in your face like that - but rise above, rise above. Smile and wave!

I don't suppose there's a friend you could take with you, is there?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2015 07:59

Oh - and she might be sunburnt to fuck as well. AND peeling.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 08:00

I assumed she was referring to her dd not getting on with OW. Apologies if I'm wrong.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2015 08:12

You're misreading it Walter - OP says her DD does get on with the new wife, there's no "not" in there.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 08:15

Sorry! Smile

oddfodd · 13/05/2015 08:16

It's inappropriate for the SM to be there but in my experience, those that think affairs are acceptable often don't give a shiny shit about any one else's feelings or point of view.

Head held high, best fuck you smile on OP.

Spotifymuse · 13/05/2015 08:22

What Oddfodd said. It's interesting how people talk about the OW feeling uncomfortable. Women who place themselves in the centre of someone else's family rarely have the empathy or insight to enable them to feel self conscious or 'embarrassed'. It's part of the OW script. Her rights to be in the front row at the school play trump the feelings of any child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/05/2015 08:36

Yes, I' agree with that too.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 08:44

What a horrivle situation for you OP

Can you take a friend with you. One that will talk animatedly to you?

Hope it goes OK for you either way. What a pair of insensitive arseholes your ex and OW are

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 08:44

If you're in Essex I'll come with you! Smile

PontyGirl · 13/05/2015 08:49

op I'm sorry you've even had to write this thread, it's a shit situation for you Thanks Brew

I agree with pps: dignity, dignity, dignity.

And if you need something to smile about - do you remember how god-awful those newborn early days can be?! Grin

ShaynePunim · 13/05/2015 09:10

I feel your pain, but both for your DD and for your own sake, smile and be gracious. At least you'll feel good about yourself that way, and you'll have nothing to be ashamed of.

ShaynePunim · 13/05/2015 09:13

Also meant to add, please don't ask exP not to bring OW...this will only open the door to more shit coming your way...they'll forever use it as an excuse to be arseholes and make it sound like you started it.

KERALA1 · 13/05/2015 09:15

If I were a random other parent if I were judging anyone it wouldn't be you op.

00100001 · 13/05/2015 09:21

oddfodd I don't think anyone here is saying the affair was acceptable.

They're saying that the situation now stands that she is the Step-Mum (regardless of this woman entered the DDs life) and it may well be important to the child that SM is present at things like this.

So, the Mum will have to accept that the SM will be around from time to time, and she will have to deal with that,

Spotifymuse · 13/05/2015 09:28

And nobody has said anything other that that.
You almost seem disappointed that people aren't whipping the OP up into a hysterical ultimatum about OW not being allowed to attend Hmm

Rebecca2014 · 13/05/2015 09:30

I would lie and say there are only two tickets available. Sorry but why should the mother feel uncomfortable? this is a moment she will cherish forever, the step mother is there for status and I am sure attending this class is not going be a big moment in the step mum life.

OP I would say there is only two tickets for each child and if they find out the truth, so what? fuck them.

oddfodd · 13/05/2015 09:32

I didn't say (or even imply) that anyone did, binary :)

I just don't believe the new wife wants to be there because she's terribly proud of the child - why would she be? She's not her DD. She may not even particularly want to be there but she's going because they are making a point.

And the point of the event should be about celebrating the DD's achievement, not about them.

wannaBe · 13/05/2015 09:38

she's not the ow any more she is your xh's wife and is expecting his child - your dd's half sibling.

As hard as that is this is the reality, and soon enough your dd's sibling will want to attend events where his/her big sister is.

Given you have already been to events where she has been present it would be petty now to start insisting she not be there. You couldn't possibly justify it given she's been at other events in the past.

ShaynePunim · 13/05/2015 09:40

I don't think it's necessarily true that the new wife would come along only to make a point.

I totally empathise with OP (I have DCs and exDH has a new wife) but I think we have to be careful not to demonise the new wife when we know nothing about her...for all we know she might (awkwardly) trying to be a good person by encouraging/supporting OP's DD.

But even if her reasons for wanting to come are honourable (she might genuinely be fond and proud of her stepdaughter), it is still very painful for OP. Hope it all goes well, OP. Flowers

OffTheBackOfALaurie · 13/05/2015 09:49

She's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't - look at the pastings MN-er step-mums get if they don't show a great interest and give support to their DH's children.

It is in your DD's interests, especially with a half sibling on the way, that she feels appreciated by her father's partner.

You will always be her Mum, nothing can change that. her achievements are as a result of your parenting.

And think of it from OW's pov: she is more likely to be thinking 'god I look like the side of a house' than wearing her pg as a trophy.

Of course it is uncomfortable and awkward for you, but no-one else at the school - No-ONE - will see you as having been humiliated or in a humiliating position, especially if you hold your head high and adopts a breezy attitude.