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Original poster

Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife?

190 replies

chasegirl · 12/05/2015 17:27

Dd has a small presentation this weekend for her hobby. its only for her class so maybe 20 children. I let exp kbow and he wants to bring his 6 month pregnant wife. I dont want her there-she was OW and is 20 years younger than me and ex. We broke up 2 years ago.
I want to text him to ask him not to bring her but not sure if that would make him feel smug and that I am still bothered. am not but think it will be just too uncomfortable and a bit humiliating for me given its only a small event.
Plus they will have just returned from holiday so will be all relaxed/tanned etc :-(
What shall I do? Text him or suck it up??

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 09:59

I honestly believe that the ex can reserve the right to hate the ow. It's healthy.

Not forever, mind. But still - it's ok not to be the bigger person when the woman who fucked your husband is playing happy families!

00100001 · 13/05/2015 10:03

walter of course she can reserve that right, but that hate and dislike shouldn't interfere with child's relationship with the Step Mum :)

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 10:07

I'm not sure the two go hand in hand though.

When my sdd was younger, dh often went to things alone. It didn't mean that I didn't care about her, but we had dc together and I thought it would be nice for her to see that dad is there to focus exclusively on her.

I was by no means the other woman (came along 9 years after they'd split) but I know his ex appreciated that I didn't plant myself in the middle of everything from the off.

Toughasoldboots · 13/05/2015 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toughasoldboots · 13/05/2015 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spaghettio · 13/05/2015 10:17

There is a mum at our school in this situation. We all know that her husband left her for the younger model. There are frequent situations when they are all at school functions/football events etc etc.

All of us other mums and dads know exactly where our loyalties lie and it isn't with the cheating husband and young ow. The mum is such a lovely person and we don't think anything bad of her. She has maintained a dignified stance since it all happened and we all think she is amazing.

Good luck OP.

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 10:31

OP you have every right to ask that she not attend. He probably won't care but you do have a right to state how you feel.

He is a complete shit and she is a bitch. Fact.

I think all you can do is if she turns up with her hold your head high and remain indifferent to her presence. Remember why you are there and remember that luckily the cheating fuck is no longer your problem and the OW will probably spend the rest of her life worrying that he will cheat on her at some point. It is probably the reason why she wants to attend as she doesn't trust the cheating scumbag.

Nolim · 13/05/2015 10:36

t is probably the reason why she wants to attend as she doesn't trust the cheating scumbag.

So a stepparent attends their stepkids functions because they distrust their partner?

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 10:37

I think she means OW attend functions because they don't trust their partners.

00100001 · 13/05/2015 10:38

"OP you have every right to ask that she not attend. He probably won't care but you do have a right to state how you feel."

Why has she got 'every right'? Confused

She has every right to feel awful, but not to restrict where the woman can and can't go if the daughter would like her there!

00100001 · 13/05/2015 10:39

"she is a bitch. Fact" - you don't know that either, how do you know the OW didn't know about the OP? You don't, so it's not 'fact' it's conjecture.

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 10:47

She slept with a married man. She is attending an event she does not need to attend with the full knowledge that the OP will be there. I can see no reason why she is not a bitch.

In regards to the OP having every right to request she not be there she does. This women should hang her head in shame at the damage she has had a hand in. I will never be on the side of the OW or OM if they knowingly entered in to a relationship with a married person. Yes the one who is married takes the majority of the blame and rightly so but to then put yourself in a position where you are rubbing the exes face in it .....bitch.

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 10:49

I think she means OW attend functions because they don't trust their partners.

Yes that is what I meant more so events where the ex wife will be Smile

Pantone363 · 13/05/2015 10:54

Just go and inwardly cringe at what a embarrassing cliche he is

00100001 · 13/05/2015 11:06

regina You don't know she knew about his marriage. You're presuming she knew and carried on. So that's all irrelevant.

All that matters now really is this girl and her step-mum. We don't know the relationship they have, it might be marvellous, it might not.

Maybe SM doesn't 'need' to attend this event, but for example, if the daughter asked her step-mum to go, why should she not attend just because the mother doesn't like SM?

What would feel if you were the little girl? " I know you want SM there, but I've decided that SM can't come because I don't like SM"

A child shouldn't like/love parents/step-parents/whoever on the basis of how someone else feels... :/

KERALA1 · 13/05/2015 11:20

Why is there no agency where one can hire George clooney types to escort you in situations like this?

00100001 · 13/05/2015 11:21

I think there is.... ! Grin

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 11:25

I am a SM and have been for 14 years. I was not OW but I had enough respect for their mother not to just turn up at events. I was asked and made excuses to the boys in the first few years as frankly it was not my place.

I was invited to their 16th birthday party ( I had known them 3 years) by their mum and I happily attended. She greeted me warmly and said later in the evening that she very much appreciated the distance I kept at "family" events and that my DH's previous GF had forced herself on to every event regarding the boys and it felt like an intrusion as she was not their parent.

The boys are now 28 yo and they have said that my respectful distance made life easier for them as they could enjoy key events with the full focus of their parents. I have a fantastic relationship with both my DSS and their mother and I believe that is because I didn't force my way into their parenting. I knew when to be a SM and I knew when to back off.

The fact that his new wife is the OW makes the OP's position so much more painful and given the pain they have already put her through why is it right that she endure more. Do her feelings not matter in this? Does she have to feel constantly punished because her DH was a cheat?

00100001 · 13/05/2015 11:39

"Do her feelings not matter in this?" of course they do, but sometimes you have to suck it up and accept that this woman will be present in her child's life. :/

Your personal feelings should decide whether the woman attends any events.

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 11:51

But why should she have to suck it up?

She didn't cause this mess she didn't make him cheat yet she is the one that has to suck it up.

How about the OW sucks it up and sees she has already done enough damage and caused enough pain so maybe it is time to stop putting the boot in.

The OP has to spend time with cheating scumbag as they have a DD to parent however the OW has no place attending such events she is not the parent.

I just can't see why in these circumstances the wronged spouse always has to just put up with it.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 13/05/2015 11:54

You need to ask dd what she wants, or rather get her dad to ask if sm can attend also.
If dd doesn't want the woman there then she should have the say in it. Not the mother asking for her not to attend, and not the father assuming it's ok for her to come.
and if dd wants her there then just rise above it all with grace and dignity knowing she will be pooing on the delivery bed in a few months

00100001 · 13/05/2015 11:56

She has to suck it up because the child's needs/wants are important too.

Why should the child be punished for the behaviour of adults?

IrianofWay · 13/05/2015 12:01

Who knows if the girl wants her father's wife to attend? She might not give a shiny shit one way or the other. Perhaps ask your DD what she wants OP.

Reginafalangie · 13/05/2015 12:05

Yes they are but Dd onky asked if her Dad was coming.

No mention of SM coming. Which leads me to believe that the SM attending is the choice of the adults not the child. Sometimes it is not all about the children either the SM has no right to be there and the mother has every right to be able to celebrate her DD without being made to feel like this.

Spotifymuse · 13/05/2015 12:08

You're quite determined to paint the OP as a virginal angel 001... Grin