Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife?

[chasegirl]

Dd has a small presentation this weekend for her hobby. its only for her class so maybe 20 children. I let exp kbow and he wants to bring his 6 month pregnant wife. I dont want her there-she was OW and is 20 years younger than me and ex. We broke up 2 years ago.
I want to text him to ask him not to bring her but not sure if that would make him feel smug and that I am still bothered. am not but think it will be just too uncomfortable and a bit humiliating for me given its only a small event.
Plus they will have just returned from holiday so will be all relaxed/tanned etc :-(
What shall I do? Text him or suck it up??

Oops that should say paint the OW as the virginal angel

You will have to grin and bear it but comfort yourself that the OW surely knows he left you when you had a small child - and it could well happen to her.

She may be insisting on coming as she is worried he might head off to you while she is pregnant - as she knows full well he has form for being unfaithful.

I'd advise against asking him not to bring her. It might make him actually more determined to bring her and proceed to make a show of it during the event and after presentation drinks etc. If you can bring a friend that DD knows then do that I'll even come with you
Be dignified, calm and collected.
In my opinion his new wife has made a rod for her own back. You come across very measured. I recall raging at OW.

Oops that should say paint the OW as the virginal angel

The stepmum is definitely not a virgin and probably not an angel but probably not a demon either. And as painful as it may be it is in dd best interests for her mum and the mum of her half sibling to be in the same room and tolerate each other.

nobody is painting the new wife as the virginal angel.

If this was weeks, a couple of months down the line then all this vitriol would be justified. But they are two years on, the xh is married to this woman and she is pregnant with his daughter's half sibling.

All this name calling, talk of how the ow should hang her head in shame etc is just projection on the part of individuals who know nothing about the situation.

Relationships end, and unfortunately sometimes they end when one party leaves to be with someone else. It's shit, nobody is disputing that. But to suggest that someone who leaves to be with someone else and who then builds a long term relationship with that person should be held accountable for that for the rest of their lives is ridiculous.

There is a small child in the middle of all this hatred and bitterness who has a relationship with her stepmum whether the op likes that or not. And if this kind of bitterness persists it is not the stepmum who will be held accountable when the dd grows up, but the mother who persisted in her hatred towards the mother of her dd's sibling.

The op has every right not to like the xh's new wife. But she does not have the right to project that on to her dd.

I have so much sympathy for you OP, so much, but there has to be some coping mechanisms here.

Your Ex's new partner is carrying your daughter's half brother or sister. there's going to be more family events and all sorts of things coming up in your child's life where your daughter won't want to be put in the position of choosing parents to attend..

This is going to be awkward, but you do have to establish some kind of relationship.

Get your hair done, take a friend, smile and be polite. It's about your daughter's presentation not you, your ex and his partner.

thank you wannabe

Wannabe the only people talking about the child being caught up in this/asked to choose etc are you and the others who believe that the OW is perfectly entitled to invade whatever aspect of the OPs life she next chooses.
The general gist of this thread, from many people who have been in the same situation as the OP, is to smile gracefully, and suck it up.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's almost as if people who support the OWs actions are disappointed that the OP hasn't been whipped up into a frenzy of rage against the OP because that sits much more comfortably with the OW portrayal of the OP as the bitter, psycho Ex. It's so predictable and pathetic.

Since when is going to a stepchild function being the same as to be entitled to invade whatever aspect of the life of that childs mum?

The child doesn't need to be asked to choose. Some of you are creating a false dichotomy. For the sake of common decency and avoidance of awkwardness, a small family performance is an inappropriate place for them both to attend.

No one knows if the DD would be upset if she weren't there - that's pure projection.

I was in a LTR with a man who had children from his previous relationship. I didn't attend any of their recitals or sports days or parents evenings because they weren't my children. I'm sure it would have pissed his ex off majorly if I had gone even though I had nothing to do with the breakdown of their marriage and I wouldn't have blamed her.

It doesn't have to be bitter at all and to avoid things becoming bitter, it's very helpful if the people who have behaved badly act sensitively and with a modicum of respect for everyone involved. That way it's much easier to move on.

I would totally brazen this out and go. You are the mother, and you are going to watch your DD's event. If it was me I would be overly friendly towards ex's wife, and at the same time I would put her in her place, perhaps introduce her to people as 'the current Mrs ex'. Make it look like you were done with him anyway and are relieved and glad he's moved on.

But most of all, enjoy your DD's event and don't let them think you give a shit whether new wife is there or not. Why the hell should you care? she is the one people will be talking about and looking at, and she will probably find it quite awkward. If she does, she may be less keen to come next time.

But most of all, enjoy your DD's event

I think that we all can agree to this.

All this name calling, talk of how the ow should hang her head in shame etc is just projection on the part of individuals who know nothing about the situation.

Not projection on my part I have never been in a relationship where my partner had an affair.
I am just sick to death of how the spouse left behind always has to be the bigger person/keep face/remain dignified/suck it up. Some posts on here do read in favour of the OW and fuck wit exh why is that?

The DD does not have to be involved in any discussions and by the sounds of it the OP is doing a fantastic job at hiding her pain when OW has rocked up to other events.

Oh and yes they should both hang their heads in shame because it is their deceitfulness and affair that lead the OP to suffer and they continue to make her suffer by turning up together at events the SM has no right to be at.

This is my opinion I don't think it is better than anyone else's but it is how I see it.

Reginafalangie
I am just sick to death of how the spouse left behind always has to be the bigger person/keep face/remain dignified/suck it up. Some posts on here do read in favour of the OW and fuck wit exh why is that

No-one on here has ever come out in favour of the OW in my experience of this board.

But what on earth do you mean by asking why the spouse that is left behind should be the bigger person. What should they do? What is the alternative? Go round screaming and shouting like a banshee. Declaring war on their ex Partners?

Spouses that have been left behind often will suffer a blow to their self-esteem and confidence. They need to preserve themselves. Even if the dignified act is just an act, then so be it. I don't think by asking OP to maintain a level-headed appearance even if she is crumbling on the inside is odd nor is it to the benefit of the cheating spouse.

In my own personal experience, the only thing I regret was not holding my head high when my exP walked out on me. I quite literally went ape-shit and it even provided more evidence for his case that walking out on me suddenly was the right thing to do. I wish I could turn back time and behave with some dignity - even if I was dying on the inside.

We all support the OP, but we understand that sometimes you have to grin and bear it. And as someone else points out, the OW is pregnant with the potential half brother/sister of OP's dd. It is inevitable that she will have to face her at some point, so we are just saying maintain your dignity while doing so. That is by no means an endorsement for the OW.

I also stated she should hold her head up high in my first post I think all you can do if she turns up is hold your head high and remain indifferent to her presence so no I don't think she should run around screaming like a banshee.

I just don't see why she cannot ask the fuckwit to not bring OW as she has no purpose being there. Which is exactly what the OP was asking in her post Would I be wise to ask exp not to bring his wife? Why shouldn't she ask? She has a right to ask. SM is not DD's parent there is absolutely no reason for her to be there it would be like the OP turning up at the OW child's school events, I bet that would go down a treat

The new wife has nothing to do with the OP and her child. The Ex husband has signed up to be with this marriage wrecking person and not the OP or her child. That's my opinion. Suck it up and act dignified. No way. She has every right not to want this woman at any event to do with her child.

SM is not DD's parent there is absolutely no reason for her to be there it would be like the OP turning up at the OW child's school events

No, it would be as if op went to the events of her stepchildren with her partner, the parent of those kids. I dont know if op has a partner or stepkids but if she had she will probably be part of their lives.

But why should any SP attended such events unless specifically invited by the child? I as a SM never wanted to turn up at events that were aimed at the PARENTS of my step children. I am not their parent I am only in their life because I married their father. I was respectful of the boundaries and personally I think OW and fuck wit are being unbelievably cruel.

I'd be tempted to ask one of my ds friends to go with me. One who is about 25 and really fit.
That should do it.

Reginafalangie
I just don't see why she cannot ask the fuckwit to not bring OW as she has no purpose being there. Which is exactly what the OP was asking in her post

I see where you're coming from. And indeed your first post in which you pointed out that if OW does turn up then all OP can do is hold her head up high and be dignified.

I however went on to point out in my first post that if she did ask fuckwit to not bring OW then he might actually make it a goal to do so and make a show of it. The OW is 20 years his junior and is pregnant with his child. Given the opportunity, I'm sure he'd love to showcase her around as if she was a precious stone.
By OP even mentioning to him that she doesn't want OW there, even if it had not occurred to him, risks him bringing her nonetheless and making it his business to flaunt her about infront of OP. We already know that this man cannot be trusted and is not a decent man, he left his wife and young child to gallivant with a young woman, why all of a sudden would he think "oh gosh, I really won't make chasegirl's life more difficult."

"I am just sick to death of how the spouse left behind always has to be the bigger person/keep face/remain dignified/suck it up. Some posts on here do read in favour of the OW and fuck wit exh why is that?" Nobody has posted in favour of the ow. And actually, she is no longer the ow - she is now the ex's wife.

Of course it's shit for the partner left behind, but reality is that at some point the partner left behind does need to move on with their own life, as much for themselves as anything else. And the child in all this has a relationship with the new wife as well now, and even more so in coming months since she will be giving birth to her sibling. those relationships will remain for life because the new partner and the dd will be connected through that sibling even if she and the xh don't stay together.
And the stepmum has already been to events - it would be unreasonable of the op to suddenly start demanding she not go when she previously has said nothing.

These people are now in a long term relationship and expecting a child. Of course the way that came about is horrible and nobody would dispute that. but there comes a point when all parties need to move on with their lives, and if the two parties stay together yes, accept the situation because the children will have a relationship with them.

And ime no, other people generally do not care several years on how a couple got together, and if they do they certainly won't be expressing those thoughts because people are human beings and we are not defined by one action in our lives.

I suppose you are correct but in the same vain fuck it if he is going to bring her anyway which he probably will I would have to say something to him as I couldn't just sit back and do nothing.

They are disgusting the pair of them and I hope fuck wit does the same to her.
I don't care how many years down the line or how many children later she would always be OW and he will always be fuck wit

I read so many distressing posts on here of how the wife has to struggle and brave it out while deep down she is crumbling. It is so sad then we have posts like the OP's where they are parading around like the love story of the century it really does sicken me. I suppose I am feeling particularly angry about it today.

Reginafalangie Glad we reached an accord!

It is truly awful how he has behaved and as I said, OW has made a rod for her own back. Your words "parading around like the love story of the century" is very true of many threads on here with a cheating spouse. Usually prefaced with 'I never truly loved you' or some other variation of now 'feeling alive' or the script.
I was just strongly advocating that OP keep her head up high under any circumstances as they are all now linked - for better or for worse. My regrets are only based on how I behaved as we cannot control the actions of others, but we can control our own.

The little girl might adore this woman

Fucksake 001. Graduate of tact school are we

I switched off to anything you had to say after this prize gem

Fwiw I have a ridiculous tale to tell on this front: ds had a school event and he asked that ex's wife (not OW) not attend. I relayed info to ex. She came anyway - but I didn't know this. I arrived and sat down right next to her, just me and her in the row, unknowingly as I'd never met her. She was behaving so oddly I thought I'd sat next to Mrs mh but was my usual friendly self. Ex had been off somewhere talking to a teacher, turned around and his face was a picture. As I had long since learned to tune out his weirdness I took no notice and carried on blithely chatting away. As he approached she fair leapt out of her seat and fled out of the hall, with him scurrying behind her. Ridiculous - odd pair, frankly. They came back in and sat off to the side - I know exactly where as her eyes bored into me the entire performance: she was fixated.