HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

No, I haven't actually< sniff>
I'm just naturally 'outgoing'

oh why sending you loads of hugs He really is being a manipulative twat isn't he and trying to cause maximum fuckwittery.

I remember WWK saying about driving again and going here there and everywhere and wondering how she managed it unscathed. The surreal feelings - I'm guessing that's your brain not being able to cope with all the stress and in effect "shutting down". I had quite a few times of driving and suddenly wondering where I was, or doing something and then doing it again 5 mins later as I'd forgotten I'd done it the first time, or eating lunch and then thinking it must be lunch time an hour later. It's weird

Suicide thoughts were discussed on here a couple of nights ago - and a lot of posters said this had crossed their minds.

You have had a lot of other stuff to cope with as well over that past few months. Have you been to the Doctor? also do you have RL friends you can have a [coffee] with? I found that helped enormously.

As for DD - Ali is going through the same sort of stuff. It's all manipulation and all you can do is be there for her. I agree with not stooping to his level. Hopefully others will have more useful things to say to help

Whyme I know exactly how you're feeling. There are so many lost days and so much loss and destruction, and viciousness to this process, that I too have taken that long hard look at my life and have, at times, just though 'what's the bloody point?'. It's depression and it's hell. You feel like you're fighting on way too many levels and you're just one person.

But you're not alone in how you feel, in fact, you have to believe that this can and does get better - we know this because lots of women come back and say 'I survived', and because I've met some of them, and because we're designed as humans to ultimately heal. I know that some days are harder than others, but sometimes it's just okay. Occasionally it is better than that. THIS SHIT IS HARD.

I know how hard it is to have all these strangers take over your life, and to have everything valued, and have to tell people 'this terrible thing is happening and I have to...' in order to comply with the courts. I have never, ever experienced anything so traumatic in my life as divorce. It was brutal and the consequences remain for a long time. But not forever.

I'm guessing you've got a late date for the financials because the children's matters have to be done first? That's the 'usual' procedure.

As hard as this is: stop feeling like you need to defend yourself all the time. No more contact with him, his family, his friends. Hunker down, make new friends, and focus on getting through today. No more, no less. Let the future take care of itself. You focus on taking care of you. It does get easier. I promise.

whyme you know I'm here for you... Just pm me at any time. You know we have so much in common and right now dd is also with h and she barely spoke to me today. I've said too that I earmarked a tree and we've all said we've thought about it but you know we are needed by our dc and someday soon you and I will have our dd's back and those 2 smelly arsed skunks will be leading sad and miserable lives and have their precious jobs taken from them with age... They'll have sweet fanny all left in their life but regrets at what they threw away. He isn't even something worth scraping off your shoe !!! Please know it can and will get better for us.
I know exactly what you're feeling with your dd and all I can say is we wait and one day hopefully soon we will get the love back ten fold. I think when we've been in EA relationships we get so used to taking the shit that eventually ( like me a but at the minute ) we do just shut down that part of our brains that is screaming "enough, I've fucking had enough"
I've said things to dd as you know to try and make her understand but they won't because at the minute they are being EA themselves. Go back to WA and ask for more help in how to manage dd. I'm really wanting to get stuck into that. My counsellor said alarm bells were ringing with her about my dd and I had to get help to help her. You need to know you are worth a million of him and then some !!!
Just try and her love. I know how hard it is but you and me and we are all survivors .... Big big hugs xxxx

WWK sorry the job offer wasn't suitable but good you know what you need. Hopefully something great will turn up soon. You are cursed with cars! At least you know the people at the garage now I suppose! Hope you get some good luck soon.

"it's not that size matters, but what you do with it." Have you been talking to Sid!

Hobbit pleased you had a reasonable sleep last night. Keep looking at the stars. x

Izzie rant away sweetheart, it does help. Occasions are bloody difficult so not surprising you feel as you do today. Hope you're having/have had a nice evening with your friend. and

Green he sounds like a number 6 alright, sorry he's going against what he should be doing.

What sorry that must have been hard seeing her picture on his phone. It doesn't say much for her though if his favourite photo of her is from 11 years ago!

Ali you're making good progress, you really are. Good you are getting support and help from WA. x

Wise sorry you've been very sad today. Take care.

I thought you had court in June? Was this for the DC? How can he change the dates - you say again?

Hobs I'll lend you a box to jump from .... Get that panty girdle ready for the light of day

Why sweetheart I'm sorry you're still having such a bloody hard time. I felt like I was on autopilot for a long time. I got to the point where I had had enough, it was just one thing after another and it was too much. I don't think I was suicidal as such I just wanted it to stop and go away.

You are not doing anything weird, it's perfectly normal to feel the way you do when you are experiencing hell as traumatic as this. Don't beat yourself up about it, be kind to yourself because you deserve it.

Sorry you're having problems with your daughter, girls seem to find it harder to accept their dad is a shit. Look after yourself xx and hugs

Ali lovely post to Why x

Thanks girls...really appreciate all your kind words and support. It is so lonely sitting here but when I open up to you I know I have friends who just get what I'm feeling.

bobs...I've got a Dr's appointment tomorrow...I think I need my meds increased and my cough has come back so I know my body is telling me to slow down.
I've got some really good friends that I've meet through the Freedom programme and I push myself into going out for coffee during the day.

I started one to one counselling this week and it was tough to start the process ...it's like picking an old scab and then it just doesn't stop bleeding. I say crying in the car park and that was even before I had seen anybody.

WWK...you're right...it is brutal.

I have never, ever experienced anything so traumatic in my life as divorce...you're spot on. I thought when I had my little one and the c-section went wrong (bladder cut in half and stitched up with no anesthetic as spinal block had worn off) that that was the most painful thing ever but I was so wrong.

The childrens stuff does have to be sorted first but he keeps changing the bloody date. If it mattered to him he would take the nearest date but no he has to change everything.

We are dealing with the same twunts Ali. How these men (and I say that lightly) can treat their own children like this is beyond me. I'll keep hanging on.
I will look into getting counselling for my eldest.
Big hugs right back at ya xxx

My little one woke up the other night and she explained she had a nightmare where grandad was hitting daddy! She doesn't know a lot but I think she has the situation sussed.

xxxx

Yep...bobs...we had 16th June, then 9th June and now 30th June...I'm just waiting for the music to stop before I put it in my diary.

Thanks iwas. You're right...I think girls do find it harder...I suppose it doesn't help with his job as well. She knows right from wrong but just can't accept any wrong in her own dad..who should be protecting her from being hurt not inflicting pain.

Why hopefully the doctor will be able to help a little. Good that you've made some really good friends. Everyone will help and support you sweetheart, but it's still painful nonetheless.

My daughter was devastated by us splitting up and I remember being really upset that I was trying to help and support my daughter in dealing with the pain that her own dad had caused her. The first male to break her heart was her dad and it shouldn't be like that.

Take care xx

iwa The first male to break her heart was her dad and it shouldn't be like that....that's so sad but spot on.

I'm going to try to get some sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better. Thanks girls and night night xxx

whyme I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. Like WWK says it really is such a traumatic experience. I had absolutely no idea, never understood why people had divorce parties. Now I do! You must try to be kind to yourself. You give such good advice and I wish you could take some on board for yourself. It's good you're going to the doctors. Can you get referred for any counselling? I wonder whether talking to someone might help?

iwas yes about not basing our happiness on their sadness and vice versa. We have to detach and carve out our own oath. If / when things implode with them, it won't make any difference apart from perhaps a few practicalities. We wouldn't have them back so it's irrelevant what happens to them.

Hello to everyone else.

Goodnight why and everyone. Hope you get sorted tomorrow and feel better xx

why hope you have a better day today. The advice on this thread is so spot on, heart felt and invaluable. I can't say more than others, except to believe what is said. When I first posted, it was impossible for me to believe that I'd ever feel 'meh' and now sometimes I have good days when I can almost say I feel happy. I've also learnt that there will be 'dips' and not to panic too much on those days when they come along.

On the DD front, mine is older now at the grand old age of 21. I know she loves her father but she's not deluded about him and stands up for me in front of him. At 14/15 she was not easy and her dad could do no wrong in her eyes. I was mum, home every night, taxi service for one or the other pretty much every night (my dd had a horse too - been there and got the t-shirt), my job, their homework etc etc. Was I the perfect mother - probably not. Was I there, consistent and mostly loving every single day - yes. I remember feeling so undermined and frankly upset when H rocked home from work all calm and acting reasonably. He literally could do no wrong at those moments - even though the stark reality was that he was much less tolerant of them as teenagers than me when he had to actually spend time with them on family hols etc. She gets it now. Give your DD's time. She's my ultimate defender now but this was definitely not the case a few years ago. Hang on in there. I think there's some truth in the saying that a 'daughter is a daughter all of her life' (should have added except when a teenager with a Disney dad)!!

izzie Hope you had a good evening.

wise 60 isn't old anymore. You sound young at heart too from your posts. I'm 49 and when ladies who are nearly a decade younger post, I sometimes wish that I had been in this situation a few years earlier too and there would then have been more life left to have a different life in - does that make sense?? However, young children must make divorce much more stressful. Yes, you're older but in many ways that's a good thing perhaps. You sound as if you wouldn't really want him back? (Sorry if I've 'read' the situation incorrectly) You also seem to be getting out and about a fair bit? You've inspired me to join 'meet up'. Haven't actually gone to any yet but will one day I'm sure. I think that's where green met Mr SB too. I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this post except that you sound like a great lady and I'm sure the other ladies here would agree that we can see a worthwhile life ahead for you even if you can't see it for yourself at the moment.

KOKO all. Another day, another dog walk and then another dollar. x

Hello everyone tabby here I have NC. I have been lurking but not posting for a while as my FH is very close has it has been occupying a lot of my time and thoughts.

Can I firstly say that 1 and others with older DC your account of the difference between your 14/15 year old who worships abusive dad and your 21 year old who sees everything clearly is hugely helpful and I hope the same applies to sons as well as daughters. I have to say that recently I have seen some very encouraging signs that my DS begins to see through his dad's manipulation. It baffles me how some of these men my ex included meet OW then immediately start a mission to destroy their wife's relationship with the DC. You would have thought they would feel guilty and try to be as decent as possible to the family they have left. I do believe that ultimately the bond between a mum and her DC is so strong that in the end another person will not be able to break it.

There's a little bit of me that's terrified about the FH because there's no way the judge will be mean enough to me to satisfy my ex and in the past he has threatened me with violence so it's in the back of my mind that I could be in danger in the immediate aftermath. However that's not going to stop me from trying to get the best possible outcome for me and ultimately for DS since he lives with me and rarely sees his dad any more.

When I stopped posting I was also worried that because i am a few years further on from seperation than most of you my advice may be coming from a place of extreme emotional detachment and therefore not really practical advice for many of you who are recently separated. The flip side is that it may help you all to know that in a couple of years time you will reach the mecca of Meh. KOKO

morning all - why - I really feel for you - I was concerned about you a week or so ago - what has happened - it seems that all the emphasis has shifted onto the kids - both my two are going to need help on this - X is nearly a year gone and neither of them have yet told anyone. My mood has dropped - could sense it happening - and timing is great from X - just before birthdays for me & kids. I am having trouble with DD too - i told her last night she is being a bitch to me- my two are constantly switching - one ok the other not - never both ok! they get a breather I dont - she has apologised though so well see. All the way through this I have been doing everything for the kids - X does nothing mostly and then steps in at last minute and takes over - I am going to see my GP today to get this put straight - no doubt X will have given him his version. If every professional I have spoken to is agreeing I am being abused I am not making this up - so is X's behaviour likely to be different with the kids when he doesnt think there is a problem - think not!

ladies - just want to add - am thinking of you all even when dont respond to you directly - just find it difficult to keep up with everyone - I can tell I have made some progress but my head is a long way off being able to cope as it did prior to all this and i think the shutting down is protective hobbit - well done on your negotiations

big hugs to everyonexx

homestraight your advice is even more relevant to me/us because you have come through it and survived ! I know that I need to know the stages, the dips, the highs and that I can come out the other side. You are invaluable x
green we are not the same as these men, they are master manipulators ! As my h said to me the other week " sure I could go to the police and tell them 'any old shit' like you and they'd have to believe me " .... They are relentless bullies and we believe them/ our dc believe them because they've been at it so long. The other day when dd wanted to be "rescued" by him, he told me "that's why I believe dd should live with me, because you don't parent her the same way as I do, You don't know how to !"
So for her 15 odd years, the majority of which she was with me, she came to me when she fell down, she sat on my knee kissing my face constantly telling me I was her princess and still comes into me in the middle of the night when she feels ill or has a bad dream ( her father used to sleep through this ) .... Yes they are angry with us now but I hope and pray that is because they don't feel they can be angry with those creeps because they don't feel secure enough. My dd is coming home tonight, she has hardly spoken whilst with him so instead of being hurt, I need to welcome her home with open arms and let her know that she is loved unconditionally.lets just try and stay positive ... Now there's a word J never thought would come out of my mouth ever positive -just saying it out loud to make sure I know how to pronounce it- lol

Hi Home not long now Glad you are seeing signs that DS is seeing through him.

There is never a good time for DC to witness the divorce of their parents. I was hoping to split after DD2 had done A Levels, but it got moved up a year. As teens, DD1 used to have a go at both of us. As she got older she just had a go at him - and gave him enough ammunition (in his eyes) for him to have nothing more to do with her. DD1 just said nothing. Stbx hated that as he couldn't find a reason not to have anything to do with her (we were all still in the same house at the time). He resorted to saying he could see her "malevolent, cunning" brain ticking away. The one time she spoke out, it was in a reasoned way, without being rude at all. That was enough for him - he knew how she thought now.

The long term effect of this is they worked out for themselves what they thought of their Dad. But this came at a cost as they both ended up on ADs and DD2 counselling. However DD2 is almost off the meds after a year and DD1 will be winding them down this summer. There is an end to all this. Just how prolonged it will be I don't know...

Just thought I'd give you all a little giggle. As you know Super Twunt is due to go across the Atlantic on a work thing. Well I forgot that h will be needing his dress suit ( in a bag in the garage presently ) ... Well it might have to stay temporarily out of my head that his dress shirt met with an unfortunate accident . Thing is, as we are getting near departure, he still hasn't come looking for it ( too fecking scared to ask for it ) and well the dilemma was ... Should I tell him so that he can go buy another one before he leaves on said trip ... Or do we wait until he rummages through the various bin bags and to his horror find that his expensive dress shirt is now .... Without arms ???!!!!
A. Tell him and listen to his bitching
B. Don't tell him and make sure I'm out that night.
C. Set up a video to catch his reaction when he finds it armless
Meh

Naaah too easy Ali he will still be able to wear it - just not take his jacket off! Although funny, if it met with it's "accident" through coming into contact with a pair of scissors, you'd do better to just bin the shirt and "know nothing" rather than descending to his level. No need to openly wind him up more than necessary. Wait till all is sorted first x

Sorry I couldn't post anything before why my love, sodding Internet went down, I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I have felt the same 'disconnection ' from reality you describe, like you are playing a role, or standing on the outside looking in. It's just a symptom of the terrible stress you're dealing with, it will pass, but it's a horrible feeling just the same.

This shit is so hard, and your fool of a ex seems determined to make it as long and drawn out as possible. Probably in the expectation that you will just give in to his proposals because you are so worn down by the process.

We are all here for you, KOKO, the man is an evil cunt,
< there I go with my potty mouth again, but he really is the cuntiest cunt in the whole of cuntland>

Sending you every good thing, and love and strength, x

Can I ask, there are things I want to do around the house, getting a dishwasher being one (for some reason washing dishes is really bugging me now) having one installed will involve moving another appliance. H has been annoyed by things I've done already, so do I wait just to keep the peace or do I say fuck him and do what I want?

There are quite a few things I want to do now he doesn't have a say, but I'm not going to do anything that might increase the value yet, there are some maintenance things I need to do that might make a difference and some decorating which will have to wait.

I have no intention of moving, whatever he might think.

Yep, I agree with bobs , ali my darling, < she does talk sense occasionally>

Just deny all knowledge of the existence and/ or whereabouts of said shirt, they have shops in Canada don't they?
Otherwise he can just wear his string vest can't he? Entitled arsewipe that he is, and you won't get labeled as the psycho ex.

In the meantime, burn the fucking thing, < evil cackle>