HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Hi braving, do you know what ? I just can't understand the mindset of some of these twunts on this forum that think they still have the right to dictate what happens in the home they left.

I mean, WTAF are they thinking? They lost the right to have any say surely what you can and can't do, they had an affair, they left to live with the OW, and your ex still thinks his opinion counts for anything!

You're not making any difference to his day to day life by having a dishwasher installed are you? So fuck him and that bitch he rode off on, and you do whatever you please my love.

You sound an amazingly strong lady, and a great mum to your daughter, xx

Holy feck I'm going to have to rummage through about 20 bin bags now... Hadn't figured on him needing it so soon. Yes if he asks I will exercise my right to silence... Although as he might point out, my silence may lead to certain inferences being made re my guilt !
Hobs and Bobs ... You do make me laugh and that's such a tonic.
And Hobs he doesn't wear a string vest but has been bought a bra by his staff on a Christmas occasion for his moobs . In fact I'm quite envious at times as quite frankly they're in better shape and bigger than mine lol !!!

Oh that gives me a great image in my head now Ali
Ta very much< not>

Hobbit Good point well made :) Fuck him.

Braving I agree with Hobbit she talks sense too but puts it so much more eloquently than I ever could

Ali what Braving fuck him! (just act dumb - he thinks you are anyway)

Thanks for the advice and support girls...you are just what I needed. I value everybodys input.

It is comforting to know that the children hopefully will eventually realise what these manipulators have done. It is shocking the extremes that they go to ...I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised by his behaviour and his slanderous solicitors letters. His complete denial of his involvement in the destruction of his childrens world. His complete disregard for the childrens feelings....the OW is funny "you'll like her ...she's a funny lady"...yep funny enough to drop her knickers while she was teaching him to drive fast.

She knew exact what she was getting into and they both didn't give a damn about the fall out. He text me to say that he "couldn't help himself"...yep couldn't take responsibility. His favourite phrase is "life is too short"...well it bloody is but you don't have to rip other peoples lives apart.

green...I understand exactly how you're feeling. I'm not actually sure what tipped me over the edge this time but I just went into free fall and lost me.

You are right...it is abuse and the manipulation of the children is too.

ali...I'm with bobs...I'd just bin it and when he asked where it is...have absolutely no idea.

hobbit...you're right he is the cuntiest cunt in the whole of cuntland. You always make me smile.

big hugs to you all and thanks for holding my hand through all this shit. xxx

ali...don't worry about the bin bags...if he asks for his bags...just say...what bags? Shit we've been robbed! Let the fucker buy new clothes.

braving....get your dishwasher if you want it. However, I'm a fan of paper plates...kids we're having a carpet picnic for tea...plastic tablecloth on floor, disposable cutlery etc and no washing up!

Haha why liking the humour

1nogoingback yes I am young at heart and people usually think I am 5 or even more years younger than I am - inside we are all just the same as when we were young! :-)

It's just been 3 months ( the other day) since he left without telling me and he is coming next week to collect the rest of his stuff. Maybe this is why I feel so down...He totally detached and left and communicates in what he will think is a reasonable manner - office speak! He has just cut me out of our life. (There is no OW. It is all about him and his feelings of unhappiness) It is indeed like we were NEVER married - he makes no reference to it or to us. He has only mentioned our son to me once in all this time. It is like he has taken that memory from me too.

However it is me who is still seeing our son, helping him currently and who is in daily communication whereas he communicates with him only if it something that HE has to tell our son about HIMSELF! He is totally self absorbed. So many people have been utterly shocked by what he did and even have said to me that they hate him for what he has done to me. This is the time when we should have been retiring - I gave up my career for his job ( trailing spouse) - and doing the things that we had talked about all these years - travel etc. Instead I am on my own trying to make sure that I have something to do each day to get me out of bed. I know I am fortunate in that I don't have to work currently.I know it is early days and I need to find my way but it is so very hard.

For the people who can't sleep? Try a Zyrteck anti histamine - took one last night ( trying to combat a sinus thing) but boy has it knocked me out today...but if you have time and feel you are sleep deprived...these things are supposed to be non drowsy!

Hi what, go for it girl! But make sure you're safe and protected,

I would wear a floaty cami top, or something similar to cover said muffin,
< mines more of a Victoria sandwich>

Please be careful, you don't know him , gawd, listen to me, I sound like your mother, have a nice time, x

What To be honest, I'd say if you fancy him but he's not second date/relationship material then why not shag him. Especially if he's only 5 mins away, very convenient.

I've signed up to a dating site, I'm getting lots of contacts, but it's quantity over quality.

What Sorry, didn't answer the clothes questions :) Jeans, heeled boots and a nice top sounds perfect, I'd go for something comfortable which for me means long enough so it doesn't ride up.

Something that comes off easy?? Kimono or such? no - jeans, boots and floaty top sound great.

And in the interest of knowing that you are safe I think you should give us updates throughout the evening - or ay the very least the next day

what lets just hope his moobs aren't like my h or you'll not get close enough to do the dirty deed ? See now that image will be in your mind later now And yes jeans, boots floaty number and nat (Belfast speak) your manky grey Bridget Jones, hold me all in knickers ....... Holy Feck !!! That's why he left me It was the knickers that killed it !!!

Bags rummaged through, incriminating shirt has disappeared, almost just as quick as him... It was never there, I haven't seen any such shirt with only one arm and the fancy bit ripped up the front. Nope, no point checking the bin either, who would be so foolish to put such a thing in someone else's bin ?

And as for your sarky text telling me dd was not well enough for school because she couldn't sleep ( like I've been telling you since you fucking did one ) It is actually not because she's worried about her grandparents, it's because you fucked off and ruined her life and blew the idea of family and love out the fucking window, you selfish, abusive, big headed, self righteous big titted arse ... Meh

I have just collected X form E - he is well and truly out to stitch me up - good job I collected the stuff off Twittwoo as funny how none of his extra activities appear to have gone through his bank account - unless of course she has paid for it all but as he employs her this is academic! or is he using company money to fund this!

Still claiming there is no money but manages to shop at Waitrose - oh & where is the money from the sale of your car - seems to have disappeared and yes he wants the house sold but can continue to pay rent of £1400 per month.

makes my blood boil - cant shout No 6 loudly enough

- lvvl how this seems to have turned into a dating chat forum now - what i second go for it - i dont go with "rules" either go by what I feel - and should have paid far more attention to my gut 18 months ago as I was bang on!

gut feeling now still being emotionally and financially manipulated by a cunt who has no balls or morals and will see his kids out of the family home rather than face up to what he has done - even got his shit of a father involved who too is abusive and manipulative. To think I once loved this specimen - actually this is wrong I didn't love the real him it was the fake I loved - because the real person who has shown his true colours is someone I despise more than I can say

Hopefully you can query those thing green it makes you mad doesn't it. We complete our form Es honestly and they make themselves look like lying deceitful greedy bastards. I for one certainly hope the judges can see through it.

Ali thank you for your lovely comments and I laughed so much at the posh shirt with no arms. I expect your DD will be unsettled when she gets back and she may be angry if he's been feeding her a lot of lies and not really know how to cope with it. With my DS I've been trying to judge by his actions rather than his words. Presumably she could stay with him if she really wanted to but she's coming home so that's a small positive to hang onto.

Still thinking of you girls (and guys) and cheering you on, mostly lurking these days as don't have an awful lot to add.. KOKO

Here you go what - for your delectation!!! form E

It's basically where you fill in all your disclosure. I haven't as yet had the joy of filling one in per se as ex didn't want to do it that way. We just gave a list of our assets etc and it was all put on a spreadsheet by the solicitors (hence Izzie calling me Spreadheet Bobs!!!)

Good luck at sol's tomorrow. If you skim through the attachment above it will give you idea of what info will eventually be required. The actual divorce is a separate application, but can be done at the same time.