HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Understood

Rant alert, feel free to ignore my venting

Well I have no such qualms about putting on here exactly what I feel. And today, the twunt's birthday, I absolutely hate him with a passion. How fucking dare he shack up with someone who has caused immeasurable damage to this family even before that, and then expect me to maintain some charade of civility! How dare he bloody well delay on working towards a financial settlement when I asked him at the end of the year! How dare he use this address to get a bloody permit when he no longer resides in the area! How dare he tell me who should pay the bills, what info I should send to him! How dare he leave me with a mountain of work on the former marital home and yet do work round her house! How dare he out me through all those years of torture. And most of all how fucking dare he put my sons through it all and hardly see them AND blame me for his lack of contact with them beyond texting. Mostly, how fucking dare he still be walking this earth anywhere near us.

I decided yesterday I would text him happy birthday, well it's just meaningless words! Im only doing it so he can't get any upper hand on me. But it sticks in my throat to do it, all the same, knowing that he likes the veneer of civility. I have no intention of ever being his friend, I don't care what he wants, how he views it all. You cannot downgrade a marriage to a friendship unless both parties agree. And friends don't leave people in the shit with all the stuff he did, and all the arsey emails and financial control.

This morning I actually felt a bit sad just for a minute. Then this afternoon I started making a list of things that will need to be divvied out. And that's why I hate him. He left for no good reason. He didn't leave to be with her, he walked out because he wasn't man enough to deal with the issues created. And we all pay a very heavy price

He's one year closer to death today, and there's another 6 months accruing in his pension pot since he left. I have no idea if the kids remember it's his birthday. But as I've been accused of trying to turn them against him, yes two fucking adult sons, then I will take a leaf from his PA stance and not mention it to them.

I'm going out for a meal with a friend tonight. Hopefully the date will show on the credit card bill which he will see.

Tomorrow I hope I will be a bit more back to normal. For now, rant over

Exactly

Izzie I think you and I must be married to clones. This is extract from a text I know I shouldn't have sent this morning but did because I'm sick to death of him giving me bloody instructions whilst doing exactly as he pleases himself.

"You no longer have any right at all to tell me what to do, say or anything else. I feel liberated having always needed to justify things and literally do as you 'command'. You talk about being friends but that's not how friendship works. Friends are kind, compassionate, considerate and there for each other. It's an equal arrangement not an arrangement where one person lords it over another and then buggers off out of their life breaking a lifetime of promises and leaving them to pick up the pieces."

Tough times out their at the moment for many by the sounds of it. Hope you're ok drifted?

Bobs My home similar, all DC revising. Chemistry tomorrow for one and another having a minor breakdown over uni exams. One chilled though and gently winding others up. Aagh. I love them dearly but not easy. Oldest 2 back to uni at weekend though. It's tough keeping things normal in front of them. They've not said much but......

to all who need them xx

1 that text sums it up very well. And you know what, why should we always have to maintain a dignified silence when their behaviour is anything but? You are just telling it as it is

I guess you're right izzie - sometimes I just can't help myself. He's also telling me he thinks he's clinically depressed. I've been telling him for months that he needs a doctor but he won't listen and now I don't care.

frizzy I think it was you who mentioned this also - why are they 'depressed' when they are getting what they wanted?? When I say that to him, it's not what he 'wants' apparently - he has no "option." What???? No option???? It's unfathomable.

I've just thought. He doesn't have an option now. He's going to get what he did or didn't want with bloody bells on the end of it. What's the saying? Be careful what you wish for it might actually happen....

Ditto well texted 1 succinct and to the point with a swear word in there for emphasis

why is it that as soon as I have to deal with the twunt I end up being back in that place where I am banging my head against the wall.

Today he has been to see our GP about DS and about getting him referred again to CAHMS -does he bother to include me in this - no - he tells me afterwards - I am so angry with him - I asked him to let me know what he was doing and again he just ignores me - now I will have to see GP to make sure that I am included in all discussions.

Second he has made arrangements for kids birthday completely going against what he has proposed via his solicitor with the contact contract ie all arrangements to be agreed before firm plans are made. Also he has money available to do this but has given me no extra money.

It is the same old story one rule for him another for me - do as I say not as I do - I havent felt like this for months - I recognise this feeling as how I often felt during the marriage - just want to crawl into bed and shut the world out or get some more ADs to dull the pain in my head -
because it doesn't matter what I do he always has to have the final say!

I FUCKING HATE THE CUNT!

green me too. Yours, mine, everyone's or or both! x

Just caught up with posts and so many to read and digest. The best thing though is that Hobs Massively good news with your settlement and really pleased for you.
My head is pretty full of stuff so don't think I can give much advice but for those of you who roughly know my story, some more than others, the Women's Aid meeting was today after solicitor yesterday. I am still going through this phase of numbness. WA lady thinks short term it is good but not long term. She thinks that the sustained level of mental cruelty has more or less made my brain shut down or block it out. That's mostly to do with dd going to h for a while. I can see her struggling but can't do a thing for her other than offer my love. WA think she is being MA by h but I'm not so sure. I think she just is in denial that her dd has any faults. In fact I think I carry a lot of the blame and regardless of what they tell me I still blame myself and wonder 'was it me ' ? Why would she want him more than me when today I collected her and she could barely speak. Perhaps I have been a shit mother. I am seeing a counsellor next week in WA to get some advice on dealing with her feelings, especially how to try and help me turn things around when he fucks off for nearly 2 weeks.
Anyway, maybe it's just a phase or maybe it's not but I've gone from almost desperation and wanting him back to feeling a big lot of nothing towards him. At the minute it's like our marriage never existed and he is now a stranger. I want my daughter back but I do not want my h back, in fact I just want dd to be happy and if that means she lives with him then so be it. However I need time in this house to put things in place and prepare for a new home. I won't just roll over for him. I will make him pay dearly either by having this house sold and him taking on debts or he can move in and pay me what I am owed for setting him up and supporting him through each promotion. I will fight and most importantly I will fight even harder for my dc. He can go and rot in the smelly, badly decorated attic room of his bastarding cunt of a mother's house !

what Good.

I'm not sure which is more pathetic her giving him a 11 year old photo or him putting it on his phone.

ali "At the minute it's like our marriage never existed and he is now a stranger."

This is how I feel. Today I have been very sad - went to the cinema early evening to see Far From the Madding Crowd - even the stupid sheep made me want to cry... great film though! Don't usually feel tearful but do...I just feel this empty lonely old age yawning out before me. Needing more He is moving into some sad flat out of the relative's house - was life with me really that bad?

PS ali love the last sentence above

hallo everyone too lazy to name everyone but have read all the posts - always do....

oh and by the way I saw the Spooks film the other day too..now then just when Poldark goes off temporarily , what do we have here???

wise I just don't get it ... How can they prefer being sad lonely bastards ? was life with me really that bad I totally get that and am questioning and dissecting the marriage. 45 and starting again is scary but if it involved him above, can't remember his real name... Jon Snow from GofT I think I'd get by !!
Thinking about you all whatever you may be doing x

It's Kit Harrington, he's a bit of alright isn't he?

Obviously he's a bit young for me, but I'd manage

Tough times tonight for some, chin up my lovelies, you are all s in my eyes.

Oh go on then I'll force myself. He looks like he could do with an older woman

Ooh get you Hobs with your hot man knowledge . I think even if you needed a help on you'd manage that alright lol

Also while we are on the subject.... You know the way they say 'you can't miss something you've never had' .... Well I didn't 'have' a lot but for some reason I'm missing it more than I ever wanted it .... If you know what I'm saying ???? Is that odd ?

Sorry but now you've got me started .... One of these obviously wouldn't be up to it now but boy he was fit !

Family your post last night "he might have a really happy life and I can't live mine waiting around for it all to go wrong" That is something I've realised, I'm a lot more meh now about my ex-DH being with the OW although it's still hard. I found to start with that I was desperate for them to split up and I thought they would and people said it wouldn't last. But, unfortunately my ex-DH seems to be happy with OW and sees his future with her so I've realised my future happiness needs to be based on me and my life not his.

I don't want to be with a cheating bastard so hopefully in time I won't care if he's happy or not. Even if he is happy I aim to be happier and I don't need a man to achieve that even if he needs a floozy to be happy, sad bastard

Ali , 'a help on' ya cheeky caahhhh...

I'm climb him like a tree Timberrrr....

Hobbit might you perchance have had

Hi girls (and Drifted) sorry I've been awol for a bit.....had various meltdowns and just could not take it all anymore.

I've done weird things...it's like I'm fighting with somebody in my head all the time and then the voice just went silent...it couldn't take it anymore...I was looking in on my life but things were on auto pilot. It was really surreal. I feel like I actually lost a couple of days...I know I functioned and got the children to school etc but i can't actually remember getting them there.

I've had awful thoughts too. Someone got killed on a level crossing a few months back and I kept thinking that that would be a quick way to go. As on a previous thread...it's not that I want to die but I just don't want the life I have. I haven't told anybody about these thoughts. I feel like my life is an avalanche I'm just being carried along and I have no control. Just as I dig myself out of one hole I get buried again.

How could this person I loved turn so vicious. Why can't he see the damage that he's done?

My eldest girl has also been really difficult and I have told her things that I regret. I know he has told her all sorts of stuff and she believes him totally but I didn't want to stoop to his level. She's still not talking me. When he rings she's all happy and then she looks at me like I'm something on her shoe.

I've also sent the weasel texts that I don't remember writing. I even drove over to his parents house and spoke to them for an hour without getting emotional. I haven't spoken to them for months. I told them how he has behaved and obviously they have only seen his side.
This visit will probably be twisted by him and I expect a solicitors letter later this week accusing me of something or other.

The weasel has also changed the next court date for the children again.

I'm also trawling through my form E but my court date for the financials isn't until September. Even my solicitor was surprise by the date.

I've had to get valuations for the house and one of the Estate Agents actually did a valuation in June 2014 because we had been looking at moving. The weasel changed his life plan so quickly...one min we're moving and then 6 weeks later it's just him moving and as fast as his feet could carry him.

Sorry for rambling.