HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

hobbit such a relief for you. Wow Well done.

drifted a fab post. I too am off dog walking after a sleepless night. Thank goodness for our furry friends.

Hope everyone has a good day. HRT heading off now until Friday. Thank The Lord. KOKO xx

Morning lovely people

The sun is shining and is a new day, I have a friend coming round for lunch and I going to try my best to not dwell. I think a Facebook hiatus is on the cards

drifted that was a great post.
Thank you all for your kind words, they mean so much. People in RL see a very well held together and coping woman, it's good to be able to vent on here. I was holding it together pretty good yesterday till my mum phoned and said the fateful 4 words "witch, are you alright?" Well that opened the floodgate

Positive today though!! and positive thoughts to all of you x

I will never ever ever understand women who take on other men's children. Never in a million years will I get my head around this one.
The first time I saw it up close and personal was when I lived with grandmother for 6 months before I got married. Her son (my uncle) used to take care of his 8 year old daughter. My grandma (not my uncle!) used to fly to fetch her and bring her to her house. Why my grandma's house and not my uncle's? Good question. It was because my uncle couldn't be arsed, or literally couldn't take care of the child himself.
NOw there's nothing too weird about a grandma taking care of a child instead of the father. But my grandma was pretty old and my uncle liked going to the pub a lot, so he would enlist his girlfriend to do most of the childcare.
To me this wouldn't be such a problem if it wasn't for the fact he FOUGHT the child's mother. WIthout the girlfriend around the child wouldn't have been fed. She is a teen now and we chat sometimes and she told me this was the case.
Funny thing is he remarried recently but not the girlfriend who had put so much work into his child. He married a different woman. The girlfriend was pretty devastated and she and my cousin still get along well.

Taking a child off their mother and then palming it off onto another woman is one of the worst evils in my opinion. It's because it creates suffering to women-- to the mother who wants her child with her, and to the woman who is being used.

Grandma used to fly by plane, obviously. Not on a broomstick or anything!

Morning everyone, hi drifted my love, nice post, I was up at 4am yesterday as well, today it was 7-45 am, I wonder why?

bobs , sorry just read through again and saw your question, and my answer is, don't know! Percentage perschmentage! I was just happy he finally moved away from the 'fair and equitable' script, although he did mention it once, as he did the ' don't know if I'll live to see my pension' malarkey.

I hope he doesent pop his clogs now obviously, I have my joint lives maintenance to consider, [grin grin grin ]

I do expect a crash in the next few days, WWK my love, in fact I had one the other day after his phone call, explaining his new proposal, but I didn't know the full details.

I think because I know it's coming to absolute now, and that's a big deal, after 28 years together. It's scary to be set adrift, but hopefully the waters will be calmer now I have some measure of certainty that I won't be in the gutter, but looking at the stars.

Tee HEE, that's enough navel gazing for me, the mans still a cunt, just a bit more of a reasonable one, KOKO all, xx

Hobbit I think that calls for a pic of Jess gazing at the stars

I asked as it was a different way of doing it than I have been doing. My proposal works out in that I get 57% of the house proceeds, I get pretty well all of the savings (in my name anyway as inherited) and he gets his pension. Plus he pays maintenance for DD2 till end of uni. This is in place of spousal in my eyes. I know darn well that he would play silly buggers with any longterm ongoing payments to me and I don't want the hassle. That is why I am going for the clean break option.

Thanks God you have a reasonable cunt Just need to get it all signed and sealed now...

Anyway, after my phone call with sol on Monday, and in the knowledge that Twunt will by now have received our letter, I can now reveal what one does with an uncooperative procratinating twat...

1. Last week he was asked to agree to continue paying child maintenance for DD till after uni, or I would apply for interim spousal.
2. He now has 2 weeks to agree to one of the following:

a) my proposal b) arbitration c) if none of the above, then I issue Form A "without further notice"

My sol has also made his new sol fully aware of all the goings on over the past 1.5 years

Anyone care to place any bets as to which option he will choose? The winner gets to spend an evening in Drifting's hot tub before we all descend on him (if he ever gets his finger out and gets one installed)

'tis now officially exam season - DD2 has 1st A Level exam today, and DD1 busy doing her dissertation. Both stressed enough without all this shit going on!

Here she is looking at the 'star' ha ha, or alternatively the sausage! ,

The 'star'

And no, I am not drinking wine at 11 o'clock in the morning,
< but hell , why not, > but I'm off to work now, and didn't have time for another photo, laters...... Ladies, xx

Morning everyone. Hope today is a good day.

Bobs I guess he will chose Option D. His own suggestion which makes no sense. Then you can do Option C anyway. Hope exam goes well today.

I stupidly read some old emails earlier which were sent within weeks of me kicking him out. He was vicious, it took my breath away reading them again. I don't know why I did it, it's almost a form of self harm and I should have stopped. Has left me feeling very weak and wanting to curl up in a ball. The difference now is there is a glimmer of anger mixed in there too. How dare he treat me like that after everything he put me through. Urgh.

family I think that we try to rationalise why our relationships have finished, especially if we are the ones that did the finishing. and sometimes we back pedal by reading old shit.

I used to write stuff down to try to understand why he did what he did and hide it cookery books, along with his letters of apology. (shame I didn't date them as they go back years) I reread them last week. I also googled passive aggressive, gaslighting and psychological manipulation. For me it just made me angry I didn't start this process earlier.

Option D...hmmm...not sure he's bright enough to have one Just hoping is sol steers him in the right direction with a bloody long pole!!!

Let's hope so. I hope my ex's solicitor does the same. I get the impression they enjoy having him as a client because he has wasted so much money.

My situation is different I guess. I had no idea what was going on, only that he was 'ill'. Even when it all came out, he continued to deny it for two weeks before I eventually found out the truth. He was lying to her just as much as me but she apparently doesn't care about that. Gas lighting and psychological manipulation = yes! It's so hard to get my head around. These emails were so full of venom yet he had apparently never been happy with me and was now with the person he was meant to be with. Why be so horrible then??

Do you really need ole hobbity chops to come in here;
< does anyway>
Because he's a complete cunt, family my darling , and because he can, don't torture yourself looking at those , xx

I know. It was stupid.

I was just about to ask but what if he's a great partner to her etc and then I remembered Izzie's picture of the leopard. It hurts like hell that he might be a good man for her but not for me.

Anyway. I will get myself out of the pit!!

family Mine is also a cunt who put his own wishes above everyone else's, because he could. He's now up shit Creek without benefit of a paddle and I'm waving him off. It's not worth the energy and head space to try to analyse these men. We're all well rid. Plan for the future.

Family It'll be the same shit different woman.

Family I drove mine to drink apparently. 'Tis merely ironic we met in a bar...

...I just accept everything is all my fault. It always has been, it always will be. In the interim I remain my delusional self by not trying to figure him out. He's a cunt, as Hobbit says.

There are some, MrSW being one, yours being another, who seemingly want to make all the decisions and leave you to take all the consequences.

The thing to remember is that if they can behave that badly when taking the decisions, and then heap all the blame on you, you have to learn to live with the knowledge that they could radically improve their lives by not making bad decisions in the first place.

But since they fucked off, it's not your place to tell them that now. As I say...I'll happily accept all the blame, as long as he permanently fucks off, and when he gets there....

Good point WWK. And even if he did radically improve his life (which there is no evidence of) it wouldn't make any difference to me would it. I just wish there was a way to know everything was going to be ok. For the children but also for me too. I hope I could learn to love and trust again one day. It all just feels so bleak at the moment. He has left, treated me appallingly and now I have to pay him a load of money. If I knew I would be ok it would be easier to digest I think.

Anyway enough about me.

Braving like the idea of waving him off. He really isn't worth this anguish. None of them are.

Just had a row with wankchops, he is so agitated when I have to speak to him, if I here one more time " I'm suffering too" I'm going to fucking explode, just pointed out to him that he got exactly what he wanted so needs to get a grip and stop talking to me like shit as I still feel I'm treading on eggshells all the time, I also mentioned that I'm the one who was left but am still trying to be the bigger person by trying to include him, he must be so full of self loathing or just a selfish pric, this all started because DS doesn't want to play cricket on Friday, he's obviously panic stricken that his only social outlet is going down the pan, eldest DS also wants to play more golf and less cricket, so fucking what, also pointed out that maybe the children were feeling considerably demotivated due to the fact there father has just fucked off, what did I get " I'm struggling as well and they need an outlet bla bla fucking bla, in between all this his work phone rang, he obviously felt that far more important as per usual, as he answered it, " I am at work etc" still more important than the woman who has given him half her life and his children, I pray he wakes up one day and regrets all of this, and I pray even harder that if that happens I tell him to go fuck himself

All deleted my post . Because to be honest I have had a blip. The betrayal of trust hurts me terribly.

I know what she has done. We all do. Why does it hurt me though ? I didn't do anything wrong. I have even recognised its a blip. BUt still I wonder where it all went wrong.

The post was deleted because sometimes when I spill out my heart on here its too graphic for my own good & protection. IYSWIM.

Will drop by again soon . KOKO . xxx.

Aww Drifting it was a very insightful post. It's only by writing stuff down sometimes that you can get to grips with your feelings - even if you delete it after