HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

yummy welcome, and as you've seen, there are plenty in our situation. You will get a lot of support here, keep posting and reading. They all get arsey after leaving, whatever form that takes. It's basically because they have to somehow justify the unjustifiable, so they will create friction and upset to prove the point....the point being that they are cunts, but obviously they think differently. What he said to you about not finding anybody else, he clearly said that as he probably knows it's your worst fear. It's just a very bitchy comment. Think about it, you asked where your son was.....as he was late.......erm, so that makes you a concerned mother......so no man wants to be with a woman who cares about her kids, right?? What a load of bollocks. And who values the opinion of someone who has behaved in an appalling manner towards his family? You will start to find your anger and then your strength and see these comments for what they are. At the moment your self confidence is shot to pieces. If you can recognise that, it will help. I'm sure others will be along with more advice, including the legal stuff, which isn't my forte. KOKO babe, stay here. A number of posters have called this thread their life saver, me included. It really does help to be with others who understand what you are going through, who have got further down the line in some cases too x

1 yes! not doing the maintenance on the house is the start to emotionally detaching. It's a huge wrench. The house I'm in is being decorated,by me, as you know, and it's changing quite a bit in the process, so was lots of wood, and now all white and dark flooring, so it doesn't feel the same place anyway. I'm becoming a bit more attached to it, as it's becoming more as I envisaged it when we started doing it. But I view it as having learned a lot of DIY and practising for where I eventually end up. I don't know whether I will stay here or not, for allsorts of reasons. But it needs doing, one way or another, and it's a big achievement for me to get it done. Ah well, I've had a break, so will go back to work in a minute.

But I view it as having learned a lot of DIY and practising for where I eventually end up.

Great positive attitude, izzie!

Don't know what's wrong with me - have sleeping sickness - slept until 7 this morning and went back to bed at 9.45 and slept until after 11 again! Am on some spray for ears so maybe that is doing it...although I did have a long walk before bedtime last night as son here for the weekend.

wise he dragged me down long enough. I fought hard to get through so much. He's not going to beat me, no bloody way. My kids and I are worth more than that! This is time for recovery and the way to a happier life.

Sounds like that ear spray may be useful for some on the thread who can't sleep

wise ear spray please to:

House of His Royal Twuntness
An Old Barn of a Place
A beautiful part of the world (if HRT didn't live her too)
The Land of our Fathers. x

This track has been dedicated to me at my gym class. I am in turn dedicating it to all those on here as the words are very appropriate to some of us

yummy do you have a solicitor? If so try not to worry about the form E. he can't refuse to do it otherwise eventually he will be facing contempt of court and extra costs and ultimately he stands to lose a lot more by not doing it. Many of them think they can beat the system but they can't. You solicitor will know how to deal with it.

Hello yummy welcome to the bar although sad that you too have to come here.

Okay 'the words in the head' thing - I totally get that. It's a torment. You want to go back and have conversations again and stand up for yourself, or tell them fuck off, or say something profound back at them. But you can't, or rather, if you do - then it escalates things and they say more hateful things back, and on it goes.

So no contact. It drives them crazy and they say and do dreadful things to force you to engage. So you don't engage. It really, really, really pisses them off. Good. Feign indifference until you eventually become indifferent, I think.

It is not you. And the best thing you can do is try your best to stop using them to validate yourself, if that makes sense. They left and they can take their crap morals and shite with them.

I was chatting to MrsC last night and we talked about how in the early days of marriage/living together (with twunts - not each other!) how we'd go out, have a great night, and then come home and they start yelling and arguing with us as soon as we got in. And it's those sorts of things I bring to mind when I'm hankering. I force through the bad memories to remind myself what "I've lost" - which, I didn't, in actual fact, lose: he ran away. I'm forcing myself to feel very grateful for that. If that makes sense.

As for Form E. Yeah, it's hard when they won't co-operate with it all. Have you been on to the land registry for a copy of the deeds? Also the useless pile of shit that is CSM? And been to the CAB to see if you're getting your full entitlements?

Take care. The pain will ease but it's not easy working through it all.

Hi yummy and welcome to the bar. Izzie and WWK said it all really. It's so easy to believe what they say to you even if you know it isn't true. I had it for years and years. I agree with the others in that no contact is the way to go. Absolutely no personal stuff whatsoever, all texts totally business-like.

Don't know where you are in the process. My stbx took over a year to fully disclose as it was all voluntary.

Anyway, hope you have found out all your rights - Tax credits, working credits etc. Also interim spousal?

wwk
"I was chatting to MrsC last night and we talked about how in the early days of marriage/living together (with twunts - not each other!) how we'd go out, have a great night, and then come home and they start yelling and arguing with us as soon as we got in."

Sounds familiar here too. I do exactly that when I'm wavering - remember the times when I thought I was going round the bend and cried myself to sleep over an argument I believed I somehow caused over something he thought I'd done/said/hadn't done/hadn't said/had said but unintentionally/had intentionally said but obviously shouldn't have/what I wore/didn't wear/should have worn/how I drove/didn't drive when I should have/went when I shouldn't have/stayed home when I shouldn't have/ got lost on the way/ been late/early/criticised him/ not stood up for him/ laughed at a joke/ not laughed at his joke/chatted someone up/ ignored him/ sat next to him/didn't sit next to him/drank too much/didn't drink enough/ over friendly/ not friendly enough etc etc etc. WHAT WAS I THINKING????

bobs great song x

Ps he's stuck in traffic - bless

Sounds familiar here too. I do exactly that when I'm wavering - remember the times when I thought I was going round the bend and cried myself to sleep over an argument I believed I somehow caused over something he thought I'd done/said/hadn't done/hadn't said/had said but unintentionally/had intentionally said but obviously shouldn't have/what I wore/didn't wear/should have worn/how I drove/didn't drive when I should have/went when I shouldn't have/stayed home when I shouldn't have/ got lost on the way/ been late/early/criticised him/ not stood up for him/ laughed at a joke/ not laughed at his joke/chatted someone up/ ignored him/ sat next to him/didn't sit next to him/drank too much/didn't drink enough/ over friendly/ not friendly enough etc etc etc. WHAT WAS I THINKING????

Me too. In fact it's uncanny reading that. I could have written that exact post. I'm surprised I didn't go insane. People (RL) tell me I'm doing so well and they only know the smallest, smallest fraction of what I've survived.

I just wish I hadn't put up with it for so long

Sounds familiar here too. I do exactly that when I'm wavering - remember the times when I thought I was going round the bend and cried myself to sleep over an argument I believed I somehow caused over something he thought I'd done/said/hadn't done/hadn't said/had said but unintentionally/had intentionally said but obviously shouldn't have/what I wore/didn't wear/should have worn/how I drove/didn't drive when I should have/went when I shouldn't have/stayed home when I shouldn't have/ got lost on the way/ been late/early/criticised him/ not stood up for him/ laughed at a joke/ not laughed at his joke/chatted someone up/ ignored him/ sat next to him/didn't sit next to him/drank too much/didn't drink enough/ over friendly/ not friendly enough etc etc etc. WHAT WAS I THINKING????

That is the best summary I have ever read/heard about what a mindfuck it all is!

That's why we weren't thinking because we were too busy thinking!

I wish I hadn't either in many ways. It's so complicated - he does have a few good traits although I'm struggling to think of them at the moment. He's always provided I guess ....... Does that count??

When our children were little my m
and d had a holiday home and we used to go on holiday there with them. I remember that my mum used to say that when she woke up in the morning she'd breathe a sign of relief if the sun was shining as H made her feel responsible for the weather! She reminded me of that recently. I used to tell her not to be silly and make a joke of it but she's right. He was unbearable on family holidays if it rained.

Yes wwk you're right. No bloody wonder we couldn't work out what they were doing to us - we were too busy thinking about what to say/do next. A lifetime spent trying to preempt instead of just being.

He's just turned up - like a bad penny. Deep breath.

That's why we weren't thinking because we were too busy thinking!

Exactly. Exhausting, wasn't it?

Some really good stuff being written on here - well done 1 yes I relate to a lot of it, but the only thing that really springs to mind when I look back is a little voice in my ear (his) just as I was falling asleep saying "you're not happy" y'know, just in case I might be wondering whether I was or not Thank god DDs and I don't have to listen to that shit any more.

1 I should give him a couple of beers after his long hard drive, then pack him off into the garden with some major power tools

wise could be that the early mornings culminating in him picking all his stuff up have caught up with you. It might just be your body relaxing. Just go with what it tells you

Ha ha bobs he's walking about with the hedge cutter as I type . Going to indulge in a spot of retail therapy while the joint bank account is still up and running...

Catch up later all x

Hello yummy my darling, welcome,
He's a cunt, end of,
Succinct and to the point, that's ol hobbit
Or Fanny Lumpyfoof, as my alter ego is better known.

Hello my lovely girls, you'll be glad to know I haven't had wine,

I'm saving myself for Eurovision tonight with my buddies, Jess is putting up the bunting as we speak, and I've created a special cocktail in honour of all our twunts called the < you've guessed it> Cuntastictini!

Ha ha 1 my love, I'm doing that as well, getting new glasses and contacts, new sunglasses, filling up the oil tank and log shed, buying new towels and bedding, and clothes and shoes of course!

Haha Hobbit makes no difference whether you've had wine or not- you're bonkers either way liking the sound of the cocktail - took a few goes to pronounce it though - luckily to an empty room

Our mascot getting in the mood for this evening, c' mon uk!

It's delish, bobs my love, gin, sloe gin, prosecco and lemon juice,
Equals= Cuntastictini!