HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Hello Random man I was hoping you would post, we all were. Wise words as ever from you and totally agree why would someone not want to stay on here!

" six months on , yes I am in a better place , emotionally - stronger , more reflective, more able to detach & see the bigger picture. By no means out of the woods but the trees are not as thick IYSWIM? " gosh yes me to a tee at the moment.

Sorry you were rumbled on here and had problems as a result. Hope you're okay.

KOKO and KOP (keep on posting) Not a Liverpool reference Izzie before you get your son interested.

Hello iwas I see you have been reflecting. Read your thread posts. By contrast I'm trying not to reflect, but the thoughts have popped up and I'm desperately trying to stamp on them. Tonight I'm on lager, the drink that always worked as a pick me up. Seems to be doing the trick. I will sleep well later. Especially as I haven't eaten tonight. Well just mini cheddars. Too lazy to cook.

Hello Izzie yes been doing a lot of thinking, pondering and reflecting. It does stir things up a bit and it's hard but it does make me realise I am better off without him and keeps me in meh land.

The thoughts won't go away though will they, even when you want to stamp on them. I meant to reply to your earlier post but DD's had her friend round and they've not left me in peace!

Pleased the lager is working and hope you sleep well. I like mini cheddars. I've done as well as you tonight I've had crisps and chocolate for tea! Couldn't be bothered neither.

Sorry to hear you're not back in the land of meh at the moment. x

It's good if it keeps you in meh land. Usually I'm meh just by focussing on my own stuff. God I'm such a lightweight drinks wise. Considering izzietini is the bar drink. Although of course it's seriously watered down wine the way I drink it. This lager, well it's a big can but I'm under the influence already and I haven't finished drinking it. I think I will head upstairs now though, as I like to be up early. The lager has had the desired effect, I'm seriously knackered now and a bit meh. Hopefully tomorrow I can be meh without a drink. Catch you later x

I need to focus on all the shitty things he has done to keep in meh at the moment. I'm seeing the pleasant, affable side of him still so I need to take my focus away from that.

Pleased the lager has helped with the meh a bit, sleep well. x

Can't seem to stop crying today. A long time ago now I was forced to leave my home because the police didn't protect me properly. All that time I had a small but unrealistic hope that I might get my home back. Now I'm facing up to the reality. It's too big and valuable for me to have it back. I know I'm fortunate compared to many because I will be able to buy a new home and it will be perfectly nice but facing up to the reality and the loss of that small hope that I held onto all that time is very painful.

home for you - this could well be me soon too - been going through paperwork for sols and brings it all home - all the plans we made what for?

X has continued in his controlling manner - thrown court order at me for kids if I do not agree to contact arrangements by wednesday - oh yes kids birthday tomorrow - what is wrong with this FUCK!!

I am going to tell them that their father is prepared to take me to court and give them the option of how I handle this - either I make all arrangements with him & they are no longer involved as he is now putting them in the middle or I continue to discuss things with them but they have to consider taking on some of the responsibility and standing up to him.

I Had to leave the house yesterday as would have gone for him when he brought kids here to collect stuff - the lies and false picture he gives to his sol is beyond belief he must think he is some entitled master of the universe! whats the consensus on this ladies - its his night - he picks the kids up from bus but has to bring them back here to get stuff for weekend - this didnt bother me at the start but now it is - it feels like he is encroaching on my space - been thinking I should tell him this is no longer ok but will impact on kids as usual.

I want him out my life - there will be between us once this is sorted - i have no respect for him whatsoever - how he can treat me like he does in full view of his kids i will never understand - i just have to make sure that they never ever belief that this is right under no circumstances

Home I'm so sorry to hear that. It seems that they take everything from us, one way or another. The only way to look at it, I suppose, is that a new home will be a brand new start for you. A number of divorced women I know say that moving is actually the best thing because there are very clear lines drawn about who steps over the threshold. It is their space, it was never joint space, and never will their exes enter their own sanctuary.

Green he is acting like the kids are young children instead of teenagers. I think somewhere along the line it has to be acknowledged that they have their own ideas of what they want to do I their spare time, and at that age, playing with Disney Dad is not a priority.

Practically speaking there is no easy option around him coming to collect their stuff, although is it not possible for DC to make their own way home, get their stuff together and then he licks them up when they are ready, instead of him hanging around? You did the right thing by getting out of the house.

I too want nothing to do with the ex. In my case it is even more likely to happen as he doesn't even see his sons, despite all his shit about wanting to see them, it doesn't happen, and they are just writing him off. Suits me fine. DS2 is happy until the sperm donor is mentioned. I think that says all I need to know.

Your DC will work out for themselves what he is doing, have faith. The older they get, the less the wool,can be pulled over their eyes.

That's a good point Izzie its true he doesn't feel entitled to come in the house I'm renting and looks uncomfortable if he does come in but he would feel very confortable coming into a house he has lived in for many years. Tears have stopped for a bit whilst I ponder that thought. Got to try think of the positives I suppose.

green surely they are too old for a court order to be effective in any meaningful way. Interesting point about getting them to stand up to him themselves though. I said similar to my DS recently. He doesn't want to visit his dad but I get the blame so I told him he needs to speak up for himself and I'm keeping out of it. Maybe they could take a small weekend bag to school on Friday morning and keep it in a locker would that work?

home just thinking on this - somehow we hang on to the sentimental attachment in our heads I think - i know when i have moved house before I have wondered whether I am doing the right thing as I have always "loved" my houses - but once all my belongings have gone and all i see is an empty house with bits of faded walls where photos have hung and marks in carpet where furniture once was it is no longer my home - just an empty house!

I sat in the car on the drive the other morning blubbing - looking at all the work we had done on the garden, all the plants we put in - 2 trees planted for the kids - all done with love at the time and thinking this was it - i cant yet get to where you are in my head as i know i will be exactly the same - there is something to be said for those that do not become attached to "stuff"!

Just back from hairdressers. The subject of him came up. She used to cut his hair but of course he is too much if a coward to show his face there now. She was asking what am I going to do about such and such. I said it wasn't an issue and that he could sort it and face the consequences for a change. She then said but what about if you did so and so. Oh fuck off, why can't people just get the message that I don't bloody care, I'm not going to deal with certain issues, and if will do things in my own time. I need him in my headspace like a hole in the head after recent posts of mine. I look forward to the day when he is no longer part of our lives, when we no longer hold joint finances, so I can see what he has been up to on occasion, and when I'm in danger of running into him. Not that I have so far, but I don't want to be going to the DIY store wondering if he will be there too. A move away will solve all of that. It will be like he never existed. That is my aim. He may think he can rewrite history. I intend to throw away the book.

hi izzie good to see you are spending time on yourself!

its prob OW influence as her kids are that bit younger - the other way round it is i collect them as I do most other nights - but then they might as well be here - i think part of it is he still wants to keep tabs on me if you get what im saying!!

home they still dont want anyone at school to know whats going on - I know this is not "normal" and something I am going to try & address with them in the holidays - yes dd is starting to want to be more social so this is going to put a spanner in the works anyway - he just has no bloody idea!!

On the subject of moving, my brother has always said that it's just bricks and mortar. And that a new set of bricks and mortar will be decorated in the same style as the previous. Thereby you always recreate the old home by furniture and your own particular style. To a certain extent, I agree with that. Ok you need to think about the kitchen and the bathroom in a new place, but the remainder are just blank walls. For me, the kitchen and bathroom has to be to my taste, and I'm a bit particular about window heights. Other than that, I could work with a new place, and I quite relish the challenge. I've looked online at a lot of properties, and visualise how it would suit me or otherwise. I think that helps. Sometimes I've seen properties and though, oh yeah, I actually prefer that place. Yes, my favourite programme is Location Location

Lol izzie so with you on throwing away the book - was only saying yesterday if i have to move i can go anywhere and guess what kids come with me - so is he going to stipulate where i can live too - best thing he could do is bugger off "up north" with his tart!

best get off here for a while - i have plenty to do today -good day allxx

Home a friend of mine is actually encouraging me to move! as she says it's all part of putting the past behind me. Another friend eventually moved because her ex started keeping tabs on her in the old marital home. He used to sit outside when she had a man there, creating about it, despite the fact that he was still with the OW!

Green oh yes I bet he's keeping tabs!!

Yes exactly, he doesn't get to say where I live. Only my sons do. If he doesn't like it, well he could always suggest my sons move in with him and OW!! Even he isn't deluded enough to suggest that

I'm off too now, decorating awaits. Catch up later x

Really fed up, have got very low again after a fairly calm week. More HR stuff. Still waiting for Union to help. Have so much work to do.

Celebrated eldest sons birthdays last night with family. Everyone had left by nine. Sitting here on my own. Is crap. Life is crap. Texted him but of course no response. I did not think I would be alone like this. Too much wine did not help. Jut wanted to shut everything out.

Fuckityfuck.

Trouble is that I lost all my furniture when I left and had to start afresh and my home has a lot of unusual features, it wasn't just blank walls but a new home will be just standard blank walls. That said I sometimes see nice houses for sale sometimes nicer in some ways, although obviously smaller and more traditional.

Crap isn't it Fuckit mind you I normally manage to find some crappy tv to watch after nine always programmes he would not have approved of and moaned about so that's a little bit of guilty pleasure I can now enjoy.

For me it's always the garden I know I will make a rod for my own back but I'm always attracted to a large garden, not too overlooked, some trees, maybe a corner plot so you can sit somewhere that nobody can see you. However I'm no gardener I can just about manage to mow but that's a chore. Never mind I shall get a fit young gardener to do it for me. Actually forget mowing I'm envisaging Poldark cutting my lawn with his scythe whilst I sit in the sunshine sipping a glass of sparkling wine.

Hi just stumbled across this thread saying a tentative hello. These idiot men are all the same. I really thought i was the only one whose ex after a 20 yr relationship managed to impregnate the ow a month after leaving and whilst still married to me. And then launched a court order forcing my very young children to meet his ho and illegitimate child. Which caused them upset but of course he doesn't care about that

I have struggled with the pain up and down. Latest is he was late dropping son back yest and i txtd to ask where he was he didn't like it got stressed and was oh no wonder no one wants to be with you. It hurt as its my worst fear is not finding anyone. But he just has to try to bring me down. I am beyond distraught and am convinced its me and I will be forever alone

And he is refusing to give his form e hiding assets he has brought new house with the ho and is trying to say he can't pay much for us as he has a new family. I only work part time so struggle a lot and don't eat much money goes on bills and food for kids

My head is so fucked up i just think he is having fun with new woman has comfort intimacy after putting us through hell with physical and emotional abuse and we are suffering

I can't take the pain any more his bad words keep going in my head. Please how can I forget his bad words

izzie I like the idea of throwing he book away.

Well, had a cry - just a small one -over something small. Am now going to busy myself.

On the house front, I'm not even trying to hold onto mine. I feel guilty because the DC will hate not living here but to me it would be too painful on a day to day basis. All the memories, the plans - oh gawd - crying again.

Our house is an old barn of a place with a wood, field etc and will always have a precious place in my heart but I'm going to try and get somewhere the complete opposite. Modern, no garden, walking distance to a shop etc. I might hate it, who knows. I'm definitely taking my piano but the way I'm feeling at the moment I need a fresh start if I'm ever going to recover - funnily enough I've already started caring less about the house on the maintenance side of things. Anything goes wrong I just leave it for him to sort. Can barely be bothered to change a bulb.

fuckit glad you are still with us. Oh, the curse of the late night texts strikes again. We've all been there and regretted it but at least it shows we cared. When I do it, I delete and move on. Is happening less and less although have risen to the bait today. HRT en route home - oh joy!

KOKO all. Will catch up later.

izzie funnily enough, I'm dreading telling hairdresser.....Might have to go somewhere different.

yummy My goodness you've been through a lot. You've come to the right place - believe me. There are lots of lovely ladies and a random man who I'm sure will be along soon and offer good words of advice and a shoulder to cry on. The things the ex Hs say are horrendous. Several ladies have suggested that it's the way they off load their guilt. How can they justify their actions and sleep at night if they are the ones in the wrong? The rewriting of history and telling us we were crap wives, mothers, housekeepers, cooks etc etc is the way they cope. It's nothing to do with us.

fuckit has the OW baby nightmare going on and will I'm sure hold your hand on that front. ( feel guilty putting nightmare and baby in same sentence but you know what I mean - they are of course the poor innocents on all this).

on their way through cyber space. Hang on in there and keep leaning on the bar of this lovely establishment.

Home "I'm envisaging Poldark cutting my lawn with his scythe whilst I sit in the sunshine sipping a glass of sparkling wine." You must be a bit better Hope you get some good advice from WWK and feel free to PM if you want a rant It's so stressful when you are approaching key times in the process, especially when you have no control.

I agree houses are just bricks and mortar. It's who is in them that counts. Although it left me in a bad position I sold up as the family house cost a lot to maintain and he would have stopped any contributions straight away. Also got no furniture other than my desk, a couple of old sofas (one is 30 yrs old) and a bookcase. Everything else given away on Freecycle as no time to sell it. Even the mattress is my childhood one from my Mum's house and must be over 40 yrs old.

Re kids, I agree, if they are teenagers they should definitely be included in the discussions re access. If they have it decided for them they will resent it. You are involving them as you want to do what is in their best interests, which is more important than the interests of the parents. As they get older and more independent they will want to do stuff with friends at the weekends.

I would love somewhere with a nice sunny private garden (love gardening) Not too big, nice borders, no big trees (had them, they were a pain). North facing kitchen, south facing sitting room, not too big, not too small. I can dream...

Izzie new haircut too It's off that those who give advice are the ones you don't want to hear it from, and vice versa. A lot of people say nothing, simply because they don't know what to say!

DD2 off to the races today as part of a friends birthday - think there's a limo involved somewhere and a meal after. School has finished for ever bar the exams so should be fun